[ys] To Find You (6/10)
A/N: !triggerwarning! This chapter (and the following chapters) get darker - mentions of sexual harrassment, office bullying/abuse. Please do not read on if you're not comfortable with the above.
Also, if you've ever been a victim of sexual harrassment in anyway, please know that my heart goes out to you and I stand with you.
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Joo-hyun should have known that it was too good to last.
The Monday after Yong-hwa’s birthday, Joo-hyun finds herself back outside Manager Kim’s office, checking the accounts before lunch. She does pause to give herself the usual pep talk before knocking: it’ll be okay; it’s been three weeks and he hasn’t done anything out of the ordinary, the accounts have to be submitted this Wednesday and I’ll soon be free of this.
It’ll be okay.
With that in mind, she knocks and enters. Manager Kim points her to a stack of files on Soo-jin’s desk and she settles in to her usual work; entering numbers carefully as she skims her fingr down the long list of entries.
But today, Joo-hyun frowns. Her finger pauses at a particular entry. It’s a payment of 500,000 won, made to a company called AJ Enterprise. According to past records, it’s the security company which their factory currently employs. But that’s not what puzzles Joo-hyun - it’s the amount paid to them, which has been increasing steadily over 6 months from the original sum of 100,000 won.
The first time she’d seen the increase, Manager Kim had told her that there had been a hike in the security fees and that the headquarters had agreed to it. But surely there couldn’t be that many increases in the span of less than a year?
She gets up, heading towards the bank of cupboards located on the right hand side of the office. She’s rooting through the files, when Manager Kim’s voice comes from behind her. “What are you looking for?”
Joo-hyun jumps a little at the loudness of his voice; he’d been sitting at his desk when she came over here and now he stands behind her, hands on his hips, looking at her expectantly. She straightens up deferentially, “I was wondering,” She says tentatively. “That company, AJ Enterprise…”
Manager Kim raises an eyebrow.
For some reason, this flusters Joo-hyun. “I know you said that it’s our new security company for this quarter.” She says hastily. “But their prices have kept increasing steadily since April. I just wanted to see if this was filed anywhere - the reasons for the price hikes… I don’t want this to be flagged up by the headquarters unnecessarily.”
Manager Kim is still, unflinching at her long, rambling explanation. Too still, too quiet - and just like that, Joo-hyun feels her anxiety spike sharply within her, throwing her heartbeat into a frantic thumping.
And then Manager Kim closes the distance between them in a few steps; so quick that Joo-hyun only has time to inhale sharply and he is right there, so close to her that Joo-hyun can see the nick in his chin where he cut himself shaving this morning.
Joo-hyun’s whole body tenses and dread begins to flood her stomach.
Before she can say anything, do anything, Manager Kim lifts a hand, brushes the edge of Joo-hyun’s chin in what is unmistakably a caress.
Joo-hyun’s body shudders and she presses herself back further against the cupboard. She would close her eyes, but that might be even more terrifying - not being able to see what’s coming - so she forces her eyes open.
“What a clever girl you are, Seo-hyun.” Manager Kim’s hand comes up to skate across her cheekbones, across her eyelashes and Joo-hyun takes another step back into the cupboard even though there isn’t any physical space left to do so. The cold metal of the cupboard seeps through her blouse, into her skin, and Joo-hyun’s fear and dread coil up from her stomach and into her throat, choking her of words. “Such a bright, pretty thing you are.”
Even though she tells herself that she must sound strong and unaffected, even she can tell that her words are weak, afraid. “Wha - what are you doing?”
Manager Kim laughs softly; the sound of it sends fear skittering up her spine and her panic escalates to a sudden climax; giving her the last burst of energy to push his hand away and dart out of that tight spot.
For a moment, both of them stare at each other - Joo-hyun, heaving with sick fear, and Manager Kim, brushing down his shirt like he’s spotted a speck of dirt on it.
When he looks up at her, his tone is business-like, his eyes cool. “AJ is our security company, Seo-hyun.” He says evenly, but Joo-hyun doesn’t miss the dangerous edge to his words. “I’ve told you that.”
He smiles, suddenly, startling Joo-hyun into another step back, away from him, towards safety. “You’re a good girl to be concerned about the company. About me.”
Joo-hyun feels her stomach churn physically; the taste of bile, bitter and heavy, coats her mouth.
“Go and have an early lunch.” Manager Kim says genially, as if this is just another office day, as if nothing out of the ordinary had happened. “You’ve earned it.”
Joo-hyun hates what she does next; hates herself, but he is her superior, her manager, her boss, and so she bows shortly in farewell, as is her usual custom.
The look on his face - smug with a hint of feverish excitement - sets her stomach rolling.
Then she forces herself to walk through the office door, like nothing out of the ordinary happened. She will not give him any further satisfaction in seeing her run like an animal.
But the minute the door closes behind her, Joo-hyun bolts for the nearest toilet, barely making it, as her stomach turns and she retches into the toilet bowl, over and over again, the sound long and awful in her ears.
She throws up violently, once, twice before the contents of her stomach are exhausted and even then she heaves up liquid and air, gasping as involuntary tears stream down her face.
Joo-hyun slides down, leaning against the cubicle wall. Dimly, outside, she hears the lunch bell go; hears the sound of doors opening and other girls coming in, chattering as they wait to use the washroom.
Girls are starting to bang on the door of her cubicle, yelling at her to hurry up, but Joo-hyun ignores all of them; drawing her legs up to her chest, burying her face in her arms, blocking out everything.
+++
She somehow manages to pull it together by the time the second bell goes, signaling a return to shift work. She doesn’t quite know how she does it - doesn’t know how she manages a smile for Tae-yeon unnie, reassures her that she missed lunch because she was doing the accounts, and yes, nothing happened, she is fine.
After that, Joo-hyun is glad to lose herself for once in the repetitive monotony of the calculator line. She focuses on aligning the pieces in the calculator just right, making sure that each corner is perfect, before turning her attention to the next calculator. The process repeats itself, over and over, until Joo-hyun’s mind is far away from this afternoon and confined only to the next calculator, sliding up the line towards her.
It’s only when Joo-hyun takes her hands off the conveyor belt that she realizes that her fingers are stiff and cramped from tensing over the past 5 hours.
She pretends not to see Tae-yeon’s worried look; waves farewell at her and slips out. But she forgets about Yong-hwa until she spots him waiting with his bicycle at the front gates.
Joo-hyun halts abruptly. She wonders if she can slip out another way; pretend she missed him for some reason.
But Yong-hwa spots her, and the easy grin that splits his face at the sight of her brings a lump to Joo-hyun’s throat, because she wants that back - that easiness, that happiness that Yong-hwa represents, but it’s all tainted in her mind now. She’s tainted.
Joo-hyun grips her bag a little tighter, walking over to Yong-hwa.
Yong-hwa’s voice, familiar and cheerful, makes her eyes water a little, and so she ducks her head even as he swings his leg over his bike. “How was your day, Hyun?”
She hesitates for a second, but makes herself climb up behind him. She doesn’t cling on to his sides like she usually does, however, and Yong-hwa turns his head, a faint crease appearing between his brows. “You okay, Hyun?”
I’m doing a terrible job of hiding this, Joo-hyun thinks desperately, and perhaps it is desperation that forces her to make a weak attempt at a smile and an answer. “I’m fine,” She says, pitching her voice low, so that Yong-hwa won’t be able to hear anything untoward in it. “Just tired.”
Yong-hwa doesn’t look convinced, but he steps on the pedals anyway, and Joo-hyun stares out unseeingly at the fields that zoom past. She watches, numbly, as twilight is swallowed up by darkness, shrouding the harvest in shadows.
When they reach her house, Joo-hyun slips off the back of the bike, hoping to beat a hasty retreat, but Yong-hwa is not so easily pacified.
He hops off the bike; catching hold of her wrist before she can enter the house. “Joo-hyun,” He says, serious. The crease is back; more pronounced now and Joo-hyun knows that Yong-hwa isn’t going to just let this go, not like this. “What’s wrong?”
She disentangles her wrist from him, none too gently; because God help her, but she just wants to be alone, doesn’t want to field twenty questions anymore because she thinks she might truly break down if another person asks her that. “I’m fine.” She says, looking anywhere but him - the grass, the dirt, his beat up sneakers.
“No, you’re not.” Yong-hwa sounds frustrated, and before she can stop him, his hand is on her chin, tipping her face up to meet his gaze head on.
Joo-hyun has a sudden flash of a hand; a different one, brushing across her chin, her cheek and instinctively, her body shudders violently. It is suddenly cold, so cold; and she feels distinctly, goosebumps sprouting across her skin.
With that, comes a new thought, a horrifying one - why am I confusing Yong-hwa with… with what happened today? Yong-hwa and… and Manager Kim are two different people. I like Yong-hwa oppa. I feel safe with him, and… and…
What if I can’t tell them apart? Why am I so afraid?
What if I never stop being afraid?
“You’re shivering, Joo-hyun,” Yong-hwa presses his hand to her forehead. His hand is hot, but Joo-hyun can only think of this afternoon; of another man, of touches that made her skin crawl, rather than making her heart sing; and fear and shame lick at her, like a hungry fire.
If Yong-hwa keeps asking her questions like this, she knows she is going to break.
“I’m fine.” She says this softly, but Yong-hwa must either not hear her or ignore her. “You’re so pale and so cold.” He says, and even to Joo-hyun’s ears, she can hear the real worry threading through it. “Maybe it’s the flu. Let me take you to a doctor - ”
Panic and sick anxiety well up in Joo-hyun - why can’t he just leave me alone - and she shoves his hand away fiercely, “I said, I’m fine!”
Yong-hwa reels back from the unexpected force in it, stumbling slightly backwards from her. Joo-hyun breathes a little easier at his distance, but the fog of fear also dissipates just enough to allow in clarity, and with it - guilt. He doesn’t know what happened. He doesn’t know why I’m like this, and I lashed out at him.
For a moment, Yong-hwa looks at her, and for the first time in a long while, Joo-hyun can’t read the emotions that flicker across his face. She doesn’t dare to.
She knows she should apologize, knows she should explain; but she is just so exhausted, so dangerously close to the breaking point. If Yong-hwa presses her again, the whole story might just come spilling out of her. He must never know, Joo-hyun thinks, desperation solidifying into something like determination in her. He must never know what happened to me.
“I’m fine.” She repeats with finality, trying to affect a calmness she doesn’t feel, avoiding his watchful eye. “Goodnight.”
Also, if you've ever been a victim of sexual harrassment in anyway, please know that my heart goes out to you and I stand with you.
+++
Joo-hyun should have known that it was too good to last.
The Monday after Yong-hwa’s birthday, Joo-hyun finds herself back outside Manager Kim’s office, checking the accounts before lunch. She does pause to give herself the usual pep talk before knocking: it’ll be okay; it’s been three weeks and he hasn’t done anything out of the ordinary, the accounts have to be submitted this Wednesday and I’ll soon be free of this.
It’ll be okay.
With that in mind, she knocks and enters. Manager Kim points her to a stack of files on Soo-jin’s desk and she settles in to her usual work; entering numbers carefully as she skims her fingr down the long list of entries.
But today, Joo-hyun frowns. Her finger pauses at a particular entry. It’s a payment of 500,000 won, made to a company called AJ Enterprise. According to past records, it’s the security company which their factory currently employs. But that’s not what puzzles Joo-hyun - it’s the amount paid to them, which has been increasing steadily over 6 months from the original sum of 100,000 won.
The first time she’d seen the increase, Manager Kim had told her that there had been a hike in the security fees and that the headquarters had agreed to it. But surely there couldn’t be that many increases in the span of less than a year?
She gets up, heading towards the bank of cupboards located on the right hand side of the office. She’s rooting through the files, when Manager Kim’s voice comes from behind her. “What are you looking for?”
Joo-hyun jumps a little at the loudness of his voice; he’d been sitting at his desk when she came over here and now he stands behind her, hands on his hips, looking at her expectantly. She straightens up deferentially, “I was wondering,” She says tentatively. “That company, AJ Enterprise…”
Manager Kim raises an eyebrow.
For some reason, this flusters Joo-hyun. “I know you said that it’s our new security company for this quarter.” She says hastily. “But their prices have kept increasing steadily since April. I just wanted to see if this was filed anywhere - the reasons for the price hikes… I don’t want this to be flagged up by the headquarters unnecessarily.”
Manager Kim is still, unflinching at her long, rambling explanation. Too still, too quiet - and just like that, Joo-hyun feels her anxiety spike sharply within her, throwing her heartbeat into a frantic thumping.
And then Manager Kim closes the distance between them in a few steps; so quick that Joo-hyun only has time to inhale sharply and he is right there, so close to her that Joo-hyun can see the nick in his chin where he cut himself shaving this morning.
Joo-hyun’s whole body tenses and dread begins to flood her stomach.
Before she can say anything, do anything, Manager Kim lifts a hand, brushes the edge of Joo-hyun’s chin in what is unmistakably a caress.
Joo-hyun’s body shudders and she presses herself back further against the cupboard. She would close her eyes, but that might be even more terrifying - not being able to see what’s coming - so she forces her eyes open.
“What a clever girl you are, Seo-hyun.” Manager Kim’s hand comes up to skate across her cheekbones, across her eyelashes and Joo-hyun takes another step back into the cupboard even though there isn’t any physical space left to do so. The cold metal of the cupboard seeps through her blouse, into her skin, and Joo-hyun’s fear and dread coil up from her stomach and into her throat, choking her of words. “Such a bright, pretty thing you are.”
Even though she tells herself that she must sound strong and unaffected, even she can tell that her words are weak, afraid. “Wha - what are you doing?”
Manager Kim laughs softly; the sound of it sends fear skittering up her spine and her panic escalates to a sudden climax; giving her the last burst of energy to push his hand away and dart out of that tight spot.
For a moment, both of them stare at each other - Joo-hyun, heaving with sick fear, and Manager Kim, brushing down his shirt like he’s spotted a speck of dirt on it.
When he looks up at her, his tone is business-like, his eyes cool. “AJ is our security company, Seo-hyun.” He says evenly, but Joo-hyun doesn’t miss the dangerous edge to his words. “I’ve told you that.”
He smiles, suddenly, startling Joo-hyun into another step back, away from him, towards safety. “You’re a good girl to be concerned about the company. About me.”
Joo-hyun feels her stomach churn physically; the taste of bile, bitter and heavy, coats her mouth.
“Go and have an early lunch.” Manager Kim says genially, as if this is just another office day, as if nothing out of the ordinary had happened. “You’ve earned it.”
Joo-hyun hates what she does next; hates herself, but he is her superior, her manager, her boss, and so she bows shortly in farewell, as is her usual custom.
The look on his face - smug with a hint of feverish excitement - sets her stomach rolling.
Then she forces herself to walk through the office door, like nothing out of the ordinary happened. She will not give him any further satisfaction in seeing her run like an animal.
But the minute the door closes behind her, Joo-hyun bolts for the nearest toilet, barely making it, as her stomach turns and she retches into the toilet bowl, over and over again, the sound long and awful in her ears.
She throws up violently, once, twice before the contents of her stomach are exhausted and even then she heaves up liquid and air, gasping as involuntary tears stream down her face.
Joo-hyun slides down, leaning against the cubicle wall. Dimly, outside, she hears the lunch bell go; hears the sound of doors opening and other girls coming in, chattering as they wait to use the washroom.
Girls are starting to bang on the door of her cubicle, yelling at her to hurry up, but Joo-hyun ignores all of them; drawing her legs up to her chest, burying her face in her arms, blocking out everything.
+++
She somehow manages to pull it together by the time the second bell goes, signaling a return to shift work. She doesn’t quite know how she does it - doesn’t know how she manages a smile for Tae-yeon unnie, reassures her that she missed lunch because she was doing the accounts, and yes, nothing happened, she is fine.
After that, Joo-hyun is glad to lose herself for once in the repetitive monotony of the calculator line. She focuses on aligning the pieces in the calculator just right, making sure that each corner is perfect, before turning her attention to the next calculator. The process repeats itself, over and over, until Joo-hyun’s mind is far away from this afternoon and confined only to the next calculator, sliding up the line towards her.
It’s only when Joo-hyun takes her hands off the conveyor belt that she realizes that her fingers are stiff and cramped from tensing over the past 5 hours.
She pretends not to see Tae-yeon’s worried look; waves farewell at her and slips out. But she forgets about Yong-hwa until she spots him waiting with his bicycle at the front gates.
Joo-hyun halts abruptly. She wonders if she can slip out another way; pretend she missed him for some reason.
But Yong-hwa spots her, and the easy grin that splits his face at the sight of her brings a lump to Joo-hyun’s throat, because she wants that back - that easiness, that happiness that Yong-hwa represents, but it’s all tainted in her mind now. She’s tainted.
Joo-hyun grips her bag a little tighter, walking over to Yong-hwa.
Yong-hwa’s voice, familiar and cheerful, makes her eyes water a little, and so she ducks her head even as he swings his leg over his bike. “How was your day, Hyun?”
She hesitates for a second, but makes herself climb up behind him. She doesn’t cling on to his sides like she usually does, however, and Yong-hwa turns his head, a faint crease appearing between his brows. “You okay, Hyun?”
I’m doing a terrible job of hiding this, Joo-hyun thinks desperately, and perhaps it is desperation that forces her to make a weak attempt at a smile and an answer. “I’m fine,” She says, pitching her voice low, so that Yong-hwa won’t be able to hear anything untoward in it. “Just tired.”
Yong-hwa doesn’t look convinced, but he steps on the pedals anyway, and Joo-hyun stares out unseeingly at the fields that zoom past. She watches, numbly, as twilight is swallowed up by darkness, shrouding the harvest in shadows.
When they reach her house, Joo-hyun slips off the back of the bike, hoping to beat a hasty retreat, but Yong-hwa is not so easily pacified.
He hops off the bike; catching hold of her wrist before she can enter the house. “Joo-hyun,” He says, serious. The crease is back; more pronounced now and Joo-hyun knows that Yong-hwa isn’t going to just let this go, not like this. “What’s wrong?”
She disentangles her wrist from him, none too gently; because God help her, but she just wants to be alone, doesn’t want to field twenty questions anymore because she thinks she might truly break down if another person asks her that. “I’m fine.” She says, looking anywhere but him - the grass, the dirt, his beat up sneakers.
“No, you’re not.” Yong-hwa sounds frustrated, and before she can stop him, his hand is on her chin, tipping her face up to meet his gaze head on.
Joo-hyun has a sudden flash of a hand; a different one, brushing across her chin, her cheek and instinctively, her body shudders violently. It is suddenly cold, so cold; and she feels distinctly, goosebumps sprouting across her skin.
With that, comes a new thought, a horrifying one - why am I confusing Yong-hwa with… with what happened today? Yong-hwa and… and Manager Kim are two different people. I like Yong-hwa oppa. I feel safe with him, and… and…
What if I can’t tell them apart? Why am I so afraid?
What if I never stop being afraid?
“You’re shivering, Joo-hyun,” Yong-hwa presses his hand to her forehead. His hand is hot, but Joo-hyun can only think of this afternoon; of another man, of touches that made her skin crawl, rather than making her heart sing; and fear and shame lick at her, like a hungry fire.
If Yong-hwa keeps asking her questions like this, she knows she is going to break.
“I’m fine.” She says this softly, but Yong-hwa must either not hear her or ignore her. “You’re so pale and so cold.” He says, and even to Joo-hyun’s ears, she can hear the real worry threading through it. “Maybe it’s the flu. Let me take you to a doctor - ”
Panic and sick anxiety well up in Joo-hyun - why can’t he just leave me alone - and she shoves his hand away fiercely, “I said, I’m fine!”
Yong-hwa reels back from the unexpected force in it, stumbling slightly backwards from her. Joo-hyun breathes a little easier at his distance, but the fog of fear also dissipates just enough to allow in clarity, and with it - guilt. He doesn’t know what happened. He doesn’t know why I’m like this, and I lashed out at him.
For a moment, Yong-hwa looks at her, and for the first time in a long while, Joo-hyun can’t read the emotions that flicker across his face. She doesn’t dare to.
She knows she should apologize, knows she should explain; but she is just so exhausted, so dangerously close to the breaking point. If Yong-hwa presses her again, the whole story might just come spilling out of her. He must never know, Joo-hyun thinks, desperation solidifying into something like determination in her. He must never know what happened to me.
“I’m fine.” She repeats with finality, trying to affect a calmness she doesn’t feel, avoiding his watchful eye. “Goodnight.”