do you remember me
she is coming back and i dont know whether i should cry or laugh. im more frightened then anything though. what if she has forgotten our promises and art/ideas... our relationship??? i kind of just want to break down and cry because ive missed her so much for so long and suddenly she's just coming back in less then a month! its overwhelming me and i dont think i can take this sudden rush of emotions that are suddenly being blasted into my face. last night i stayed up until 5:12 am thinking about it then today i woke up at 8:22 still thinking about it. i dont think she realizes how much a care for her even though she killed me in so many ways.
i just hope she doesnt go back to how she was just before she left. that wasnt real and the people she was "with" didnt really care. she hardly even spoke to me the last few days she was here... but i think that is just as much my fault because i couldnt even look at her with out crying. i had to write about 3-4 different notes because each one honestly became soggy and illedgable from my tears. i would even sit in the middle of a class crying and trying to write to her. i dont think anything has ever had this much of an affect on me. i remember sitting in my creative writing class and just crying and no one knew why or bothered to even find out, and even though i LOVED that class and everything about it i could have easily failed it b/c i didnt do any work. i just sat there with my head smashed into my desk wishing my soul would just evaporate along with the rest of my tears. even after several months passed, i would still read something that she wrote to me and i would break down. i had never been so depressed in my life. i even started to carve myself hoping i could drown her memory with my blood. but it never left me. i started drinking more and contemplating the use of sex and drugs so i could further attempt to forget her. im just thankful that i didnt resort to that and i stopped the cutting and drinking. but i still fear what is going to happen when she returns. i have less then a month to figure myself out along with figuring out her. buddah, black madonna, earth, universe, something! help me get through this without breaking again. help me find her love again, help me find my own love again.
olivia