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i haven't slept a single night in over a month,
not even once it started to make sense to me.
this is exactly how i feel at the moment. my emoness has not ended yet, sadly. im very uncontent with my life being the way it is. looking at it makes me wanna puke, actually. it feels like my heart gets ripped out every time i think of the good times i had in america. maybe thinking of you and not letting go or starting to accept that im back in germany, makes living here so much harder. it's like i dont give people the chance to get to know me because i always compare them, it's like nothing is ever as good as you are, it's like i never had such good companionship in my life. and the worst part of it all: it's like i never will again. being myself has become such a hard task. sometimes i hate myself so much for doing things that i shouldn't.
this is fact not fiction.
for the first time in years.
i'm lost. it feels like i never will get on the right way again, the happy way. i know life is never 100 %-happy-times and i dont expect it to. but being it -100%-happy-times, i gave up hope. i know a lot of times you think of me, but i don't think that you can imagine of how much i think of you. i dont care for anything anymore, but for seeing you again. i realised i dont like changes. being away from my bestest friends and the most wonderful family i could have imagined for, is the biggest change ive ever had. and it makes me so incredibly sad being as far away as i am. being able to become such good friends with you means everything to me. i went to america without any expectation on friendships and such. but meeting such amazing souldmates was more than i ever wished for in my life.god, i miss you.
so pack a change of clothes,
cuz it's time to move on
i guess it is time to move on and i know i should. im scared though. scared to lose touch, scared to forget what you look like, your laugh, your face full of tears, moments, us. maybe im just holding on. on a 100%-happy-times. maybe im just obsessive, maybe im lost or depressed. i dont know, i dont want to know. i know i want you to be here, or me being wherever you are.
and when i see you,
i really see you upside down,
but my brain knows better,
it picks you up and turns you around, turns you around, turns you around.
if you feel discouraged,
when there's a lack of color here.
please don't worry lover.
i love you, with all my heart, with everything i have. with me being sad, you happy. with me being here and you there. with us being such good freinds as we are. unforgettable times i'd say. <3