I am the last in line...
Even with as many good things as have happened lately, even with as much reason as I have to rejoice, I keep feeling down. I keep getting upset. I just don't understand why I am such a blind, helpless fool. I've done so much, worked so hard, and I'm falling so far behind. Further and further...
Today, I was having trouble with my synthesis, and no one else was around but Anna, and she offered to help me... And I thought that would be all right. Even though she's just a sophomore and it's such a high-level synthesis, she knows what she's doing now, and I thought that would be fine. And it was fine. In fact, it came out better than I've ever done it. And I should be happy for that, because I'm sure I've learnt something from watching her do it. That should be a good thing. That should be satisfying. I shouldn't be unhappy about that. But I am.
Anna's only thirteen. Thirteen, and she's better at alchemy than I am. And she doesn't even know if she wants to be an alchemist. I've spent my whole life trying to do this, and I can't even do better than someone who never laid eyes on a cauldron until last year. And if it were just her, maybe I wouldn't be making such a fuss-- maybe she's a prodigy, maybe she's special, maybe she's secretly an artificial Mana and nobody knows it. But the thing is, it's not just Anna, it's everyone.
Everyone else in my class... everyone who's graduating, they're so close. So close to transcendence. I can feel it. They're shining... they're understanding... they're doing so well. Something's happening to all of them, and it's not happening to me. I'm not there yet. I'm so far, far behind them all... Why am I so far behind? When I've worked so hard? Am I an utterly inept waste of a human being with no talent whatsoever? And if not, why am I not getting there? WHY AM I THE ONLY ONE SO FAR BEHIND?