(no subject)
Why does sleep have to be so elusive in the absence of weed, pills, or sleeping every other night? I finally show some signs of being a little bit tired at 4am, so I hop in bed and what happens? I go on an hour long thinking spree about art, my ceramics class, jeremy, my psych class (specifically the sexuality related things we talked about today, and what I wish I had the balls to say to that class on those and other topics), the usual pondering on my dichotamous personality and thought processes, my old dog, writing this LJ post, you name it. Ah well, I suppose it doesn't matter much since I have no school or anything Fridays. Not that Caitlin would let me sleep during the day anyway, lol.
My interest and tastes in music have been changing a lot. It's interesting really ... everything about me and how I live my life has been changing a lot, yet in many ways nothing at all has changed I just started thinking more again. Jeremy has really inspired me to at least consider a life of art. I love his passion for wanting to have as little as possible to do with the system, America's assembly line schools and jobs. I agree with that, but he doesn't have the fear of the unkown that I do. Or maybe he does, he's just not as much of a fucking pussy when it comes to expressing what I really want compared to what seems to be the easy route. Since my wants are so contradictory, I'm afraid that if I act on them I'll wake up and realize I've seriously fucked up and not know how to fix it. Same concept of me not ever wanting a tattoo (well, I have another reason or two for that but nevermind): I don't trust my judgement, because it'll be different soon enough.
So do I continue the path I am (or at least thought I was) on? Take the "normal" classes, go to a university and pick some stupid major, and work up to some stupid career I may or may not have any interest in? I know there are things out there that interest me ... I just can't seem to pin any single one of them down. Knowledge in general interests me ... many different facets of science such as various forms of anthropology (not including forensic and linguistic), chemistry, physics (though I am not sure on this one, since I havn't had a straight physics class yet), ... teaching might be interesting. I go through phases of loving literature and writing, but it's been awhile I guess. Psychology is interesting to me, especially abnormal psychology and such. Anyway my point is, what the fuck do I want to do with my life? People say oh you don't need to know yet, most people don't know until they've gotten a major, worked awhile, decided they hated it, went back to school or something, etc. Okay, then, where do I start? SPS is almost 1/3 over with and it feels like I have barely started there. The time to move on is coming up, fast.
I suppose I have started to find my true self a lot this past year. I got out of my stupid stoner rut hanging out with willfully ignorant, prejudiced people. That was making me crazy, I just didn't know who else to spend time with. Now that I've found a better group of people, things have changed a lot. I'm more epxressive of how I feel and what I think, which is pretty big for me. I think every phase for me I become more true to myself. I rekindled my love of art ... music, drawing, ceramics, whatever ... at least a bit. I really want to learn how to blow glass. Sooner or later. I want to become better at ceramics ... learn how to better control the form of the clay, better express things through texture and contrast, color and balance. Learn different firing techniques eventually. I think that would be awesome. So I have interest in art, then, and I never really considered just being an artist until lately. So much uncertainty, but I really want to try and break out of my shell of fear preventing me from doing stuff like that.
Though, is this new self I've found really more true to who I am? I suppose I take on the characteristics of those I am around a good deal, if I look at what I've done in the past. Maybe I just really havn't found myself at all yet and this art phase is inspired by others and not by myself. How is anyone able to tell such things?
But blah, this LJ has heard this crap before. Probably a few times. I apologize, then, it is only through five am wandering mind syndrome that these contemplations spring forth. Where are some other thoughts to share?
Music. I really don't know what I like anymore. I'm glad no one has posed to me the question of favorite music lately, because I have no idea how I'd respond. Mostly I'm just downloading/borrowing/burning anything that sparks any interest at all, exploring it, and deciding it sucks and I'll hardly ever listen to it. Some really interesting stuff out there, though. Tom Waits is interesting every once in awhile, has an atmosphere I think so many have tried and failed to capture, making it unique and yet classic in a way. At least, for me. Dub Side of the Moon is my latest find, a reggae Pink Floyd cover album. Great stuff. Porcupine Tree has some good stuff, but a lot of not-so-good stuff I just havn't had the motivation to sort through yet. A lot of things I've downloaded lately are like that, I will just download the entire discography and only like parts of it, but am too lazy to go through with a sieve of sorts, purifying my winamp playlist. Winds is an interesting group, I can't decide if I like it or not ... I think I do, but it's not something to listen to very often or in the wrong mood. I want to check out their other cd (might be two others, I don't remember), but can't seem to find it to download. Anyway enough about music, what else is on my mind?
I think I convinced a good deal of people in my psych class yesterday that I am some sort of sex freak. They are all just too shy, inexperienced, or closed minded to openly express tolerance of sexual maturity. Or maybe that's just how I put it to make myself feel better (probably). I don't claim to be particularly experienced or out of the ordinary ... I just have talked a lot with people and thought a lot about various aspects of sexuality and am comfortable with my own and other's. Why is that so damn hard for people? Why do I ask questions I know the answers to?
*sigh*
Haha, I am reminded of the only good quote I am aware of ever coming out of a Will Smith movie (not exact, I don't remember): A person is smart, clever, and kind ... people are stupid, panicky, ignorant animals.
Suppose I'll leave tonight's ramblings at that. I want someone to talk to. :\
I should write a book of stupid ramblings. No one would read it, but that's alright. I would.
My interest and tastes in music have been changing a lot. It's interesting really ... everything about me and how I live my life has been changing a lot, yet in many ways nothing at all has changed I just started thinking more again. Jeremy has really inspired me to at least consider a life of art. I love his passion for wanting to have as little as possible to do with the system, America's assembly line schools and jobs. I agree with that, but he doesn't have the fear of the unkown that I do. Or maybe he does, he's just not as much of a fucking pussy when it comes to expressing what I really want compared to what seems to be the easy route. Since my wants are so contradictory, I'm afraid that if I act on them I'll wake up and realize I've seriously fucked up and not know how to fix it. Same concept of me not ever wanting a tattoo (well, I have another reason or two for that but nevermind): I don't trust my judgement, because it'll be different soon enough.
So do I continue the path I am (or at least thought I was) on? Take the "normal" classes, go to a university and pick some stupid major, and work up to some stupid career I may or may not have any interest in? I know there are things out there that interest me ... I just can't seem to pin any single one of them down. Knowledge in general interests me ... many different facets of science such as various forms of anthropology (not including forensic and linguistic), chemistry, physics (though I am not sure on this one, since I havn't had a straight physics class yet), ... teaching might be interesting. I go through phases of loving literature and writing, but it's been awhile I guess. Psychology is interesting to me, especially abnormal psychology and such. Anyway my point is, what the fuck do I want to do with my life? People say oh you don't need to know yet, most people don't know until they've gotten a major, worked awhile, decided they hated it, went back to school or something, etc. Okay, then, where do I start? SPS is almost 1/3 over with and it feels like I have barely started there. The time to move on is coming up, fast.
I suppose I have started to find my true self a lot this past year. I got out of my stupid stoner rut hanging out with willfully ignorant, prejudiced people. That was making me crazy, I just didn't know who else to spend time with. Now that I've found a better group of people, things have changed a lot. I'm more epxressive of how I feel and what I think, which is pretty big for me. I think every phase for me I become more true to myself. I rekindled my love of art ... music, drawing, ceramics, whatever ... at least a bit. I really want to learn how to blow glass. Sooner or later. I want to become better at ceramics ... learn how to better control the form of the clay, better express things through texture and contrast, color and balance. Learn different firing techniques eventually. I think that would be awesome. So I have interest in art, then, and I never really considered just being an artist until lately. So much uncertainty, but I really want to try and break out of my shell of fear preventing me from doing stuff like that.
Though, is this new self I've found really more true to who I am? I suppose I take on the characteristics of those I am around a good deal, if I look at what I've done in the past. Maybe I just really havn't found myself at all yet and this art phase is inspired by others and not by myself. How is anyone able to tell such things?
But blah, this LJ has heard this crap before. Probably a few times. I apologize, then, it is only through five am wandering mind syndrome that these contemplations spring forth. Where are some other thoughts to share?
Music. I really don't know what I like anymore. I'm glad no one has posed to me the question of favorite music lately, because I have no idea how I'd respond. Mostly I'm just downloading/borrowing/burning anything that sparks any interest at all, exploring it, and deciding it sucks and I'll hardly ever listen to it. Some really interesting stuff out there, though. Tom Waits is interesting every once in awhile, has an atmosphere I think so many have tried and failed to capture, making it unique and yet classic in a way. At least, for me. Dub Side of the Moon is my latest find, a reggae Pink Floyd cover album. Great stuff. Porcupine Tree has some good stuff, but a lot of not-so-good stuff I just havn't had the motivation to sort through yet. A lot of things I've downloaded lately are like that, I will just download the entire discography and only like parts of it, but am too lazy to go through with a sieve of sorts, purifying my winamp playlist. Winds is an interesting group, I can't decide if I like it or not ... I think I do, but it's not something to listen to very often or in the wrong mood. I want to check out their other cd (might be two others, I don't remember), but can't seem to find it to download. Anyway enough about music, what else is on my mind?
I think I convinced a good deal of people in my psych class yesterday that I am some sort of sex freak. They are all just too shy, inexperienced, or closed minded to openly express tolerance of sexual maturity. Or maybe that's just how I put it to make myself feel better (probably). I don't claim to be particularly experienced or out of the ordinary ... I just have talked a lot with people and thought a lot about various aspects of sexuality and am comfortable with my own and other's. Why is that so damn hard for people? Why do I ask questions I know the answers to?
*sigh*
Haha, I am reminded of the only good quote I am aware of ever coming out of a Will Smith movie (not exact, I don't remember): A person is smart, clever, and kind ... people are stupid, panicky, ignorant animals.
Suppose I'll leave tonight's ramblings at that. I want someone to talk to. :\
I should write a book of stupid ramblings. No one would read it, but that's alright. I would.