(no subject)
i'm home! King's Island was lots of fun. i hope that i either go there or skydiving again sometime soon, i've just gotta do something with Paul and Shane at least before the summer's over and i'm without anyone.
i just feel like i got hit with a freight train with "REALITY" printed in big letters on every cart the train is towing.
Train 1: my sister has met a guy. that scares me because she's the closest person to me, yet it's difficult enough having her 1600 miles away from me. now that she's met a guy in Utah, it will be a matter of weeks before i feel like she's gone forever, although yes, she won't, and soon i will be too, but this is my sister, you'd be scared too if someone so close to you got swept off her feet. it's like i'm her parent with the way that i'm so worried and missing her already.
Train 2: i can't meet a girl. there are so many out there, but i only attract the weird ones. then there are the girls that i know i would be so comfortable with because of who they are and what they mean to me, yet there's no way for me to convince them that i'm a guy they would want to be with. and here's another problem. all the girls that would be best are in relationships with either the wrong guy or a temporary guy. not like i would be the right one or a permanent guy, but i would treat them better and have little/no expectations. i feel like a sqashed bug in this situation. how do i get you to recognize me or to just feel the way that i do?
Train 3: my self-esteem has gone down. i look at myself and don't see the guy that i wanted to be. instead, i see someone that will have a hard time getting into college when the time comes, have a hard time getting a life started, have a hard time finding a wife, have a hard time making a living, and worst, have a hard time getting into a music school with caliper that fulfills my dreams and wants of becoming a music teacher.
Train 4: my mission. i am going on a mission and am as excited as can be. i will be gone two years from the world and have very litle contact with it. i can write and call my family on mother's day and christmas. preparing for it, financial wise i'm covered, i will have more than enough saved up with the job i have (which is train 5), but everything else like the priesthood, the dental and phyisical exams, the wisdom teeth (scheduled), and all the interviews will take a lot of time, especially with everything that i've got planned and work. it's enough to make me go insane. but i'm not gonna work on this too much because The Lord is on my side, He is helping me through this, and He is calming me down, assuiring and helping me through this one. It's a reality He's already uncovered, but it's still a hot one to handle with my hands, i need His help and have His help.
Train 5: work work work work. that's all i do. i have monday off, which means i have 4 days to get 5 days of work done. it's possible, but difficult, very difficult. i just hope that one, the guy replacing paul isn't with me, cause he'll slow me down, and two, that i don't screw up as much as i did last week. i'm so tired, it's so hard, it's a job only for those who are diciplined to do it. it's not something so easy to do, it sounds like sitting on a lawn mower is not that bad. it really is though, it's hard, and it's stressful. 7:30 every morning until almost 7:00 at night, come home and your family either doesn't care or is busy themselves. that's why i need a girl right now. they'd understand and they'd comfort, something my friends could do if they weren't busy or out having fun. and they know i'm busy, which makes me feel forgotten. of course, they think i've forgotten them by being too busy. it's another thing i'll have to handle.
this isn't complaining and i am not looking for "sorry that you're so stressed out, can i help?" if you feel like there's anything you can do to help, do whatever you want without asking me. if you don't do anything, i don't care, you're not expected to, it's not like i know who reads these things anyways. but if you do something, i will surely recognize it, and i know it'll be you inspired to help. i could use it, but i'm not asking for it. thank you for reading, and i hope i don't sound whiny. In the words of Everclear, "You say there is no perfect place, I say I know this is true. I'm just learning how to smile and that’s not easy to do."
catch ya later!
Benny