Comments | stupidphuck: (без темы)

stupidphuck

(Untitled)

Jan 31, 2007 13:33

in the midst of the mist ( Read more... )

Comments 13

autumnsea January 31 2007, 21:00:35 UTC

The second half of the poem with the rhyme felt like part of a song because the lines are succinct and of course have that definite lyrical feel.

My favourite parts of this are:

And I reach for a star
All I see is its ray
an unbelieveable change ...

I've never seen a cotton cloud.
I've only felt the ones with the rain
adding the prospects but nothing was gained

It's interesting you started off more free verse with mild rhyme and then in the middle changed it stylistically and back to free verse at the end. Did you mean to do it this way? The middle section almost resembles the chorus of a song. :)

The whole piece resembles a modern day soliloquy in that I can see a man off in the corner of a stage in shadow speaking these words as if questioning himself will make the difference. Does that makes sense? :)

stupidphuck February 1 2007, 20:32:12 UTC

yes, that makes sense. I had that feeling when I wrote it... and I agree about that middle section, lol. I meant to do it that way, but I didn't know it would be such a stark difference.

it does kind of remind me of a song.

autumnsea February 1 2007, 20:53:00 UTC

It wasn't a criticism of your writing, I hope you know that. I just like talking to people about their writing. I hope that's ok. :)

stupidphuck February 1 2007, 21:00:03 UTC

No no, I never took it wrongly. I like it when you respond to my stuff. It's certainly ok, lol. :)

Thread 7

loree_elle February 1 2007, 01:41:36 UTC

I wish I was educated to point out all the things in this that blow me away by proper name...but I'm not. This is just a passionate and magnificent write to the average every day me. "the midst of the mist" the "step for a man, stumble of mankind" and how that is like a bridge is in a song...then the rhyming stanzas..."walk along the edge of this life" "in my chest it never feels right"...then what is it when you have all the "s" words in one place (it's ok to laugh!!) but I love that...but I love what it says too. "it sucks to be you, but who is me? Woe, I see" read literally or spoken can go another way, yes? gosh...and "NO, I mean, no, I dream" man, I love that too! "sins of sins are friends" "ends and means are enemies"

gosh this piece just covers so much...I don't know much, but to read it - I feel it.

thanks for letting me see...

stupidphuck February 1 2007, 20:36:11 UTC

Wow, thanks for reading. I've never had anyone like something I wrote as much as you did, lol.

Using all "s" sounds (or any other letter) is called consonance. It's a specific kind of alliteration. If you used vowel sounds, it's called assonance. (Don't worry, I didn't laugh :P)

thank you for liking it so much, it made my day, lol.

shiiiit this what i been workign on that shit originalgabe February 1 2007, 06:17:15 UTC

you think we the same no im on a different level
its like i went and made a deal with teh motherfucking devil
im steel and your metal im real and your not
so stop or get dropped quicker than a hot pot

Re: shiiiit this what i been workign on that shit stupidphuck February 1 2007, 20:58:54 UTC

you must be on that treble 'cause you don't have no basis
face it, your act is basic like a raptor's ancient
you're as tasteless as a desperately sex-crazed rapist
i'm sacred, with my raving raging scripts, i make you flip
with the sickly significant flow I made you know I bring
I throw lightning like Zeus and leave you twice as bruised
as Robin Givens when Mike was through, would you like me to?
just wait - peeps will buy my shit more than Nike shoes

Re: shiiiit this what i been workign on that shit originalgabe February 2 2007, 05:41:29 UTC

ahahahaha ok ok let me see wahts up

jamese15 February 2 2007, 06:23:38 UTC

wow thats a cool poem my friend. someday you will become a great poet and I will say that I used to live with that guy. you will have to better explain this poem to me sometime.