(no subject)
edit:I realized that this was accidently made a private post, so I reposted it.
Here you go Bree
May 1st
Hey Lamos,
So my shitty weekend has carried on in to my week.
Last night I couldnt sleep due to anxiety and spending to much time in front of the sunlamp.
I'm not one to go to school when I'll just be falling asleep on my work, so mom let me stay home today as long as I didnt some schoolwork.
I should really stop missing school, I've missed alot this quarter and we're not even halfway through this week.
The thought of going back is nearly unbearble.
I can hardly handle lying in bed doing nothing anymore.
Theres so much going on inside my head right now, I dont know how I'm expected to deal with real life as well as whats inside my head.
It would seem that while pmsing is not the ideal time to withdraw from antidepressants.
Same with quitting therapy right now. Never have I needed an educated adult to listen to my problems, in and outside of my head and give me feedback now. Too bad my therapist is totally incompetant.
I feel like I'm back in middle school again.
All I want to do is cry and write shitty poetry and hit my head with things.
Eli would say this is existential angst and while thats funny and hes absolutely right, its still the most unpleasant feeling imagineable.
Once again I'm stuck feeling alone while surrounded by people that love me.
I am a slave to a reality that I dont believe in.
And this is totally cliche but no one understands.
I know everyone goes through depression and that many peoples are similar but the fact that no one can ever experience anything exactlly as I do kills me.
I'm all about brotherhood and shit, the only reason I can make it through every day life is by knowing that people have my back and that people care and understand.
But I'm not sure if they do anymore and I'm not sure that if they did it would make a difference.
No one is ever going to save me and no one is ever going to sort through my shit and tell me whats right.
I am alone is absolutely everything I do and every mistake I make is my own fault.
Really all anyone can do is make my physical life comfortable and say "there there".
I wish there were words.
I wish I was coming to some deep and life changing conclusions but I'm not, and thats really frusterating.
I am not using my feelings to create beautiful art or poetry and I am absolutely useless.
I am useless in my head and I am useless in everything I do outside of it.
Everyone goes through their shit, I know I'm not the only one, I know my "problems" are uncomparable to those of others.
But with all this bridges we cross, what makes it all worth it?
I dont think even the happiest person in the world can actually answer that. Everyday is spent doing shit we dont even know why we're doing.
We (I) cant justify nearly everything I do.
It takes so much to make me happy and happieness does not come guilt-free.
Life is so godamn unsatisfactory I would be better off never leaving the couch, watching Sex and the City and eating myself to death.
So why not lock myself in my room like I really want to and contemplate me until I make sense to myself.
Because that would fuck up life outside my head, and that is what I'm supposed to have "control" over.
There is no time to find the answers unless your willing to make sacrafices and why make sacrafices when you have no idea how things will turn out?
I have no idea.
I feel a little bit better for getting that all off my chest.
Thank you to anyone who gave enough of a fuck to read it all.
Anywayssss, this day is not about me, it's about Bree, cause its her birthday!!!!
YAYYYYYY!!!!!
So happy birthday Bree, you are fabulous and shouldnt need to be reminded of it!
I hope the rest of your 17th year is significantly less rainy!
I hope everyone is warm and not being rained on.
Much love, B
Here you go Bree
May 1st
Hey Lamos,
So my shitty weekend has carried on in to my week.
Last night I couldnt sleep due to anxiety and spending to much time in front of the sunlamp.
I'm not one to go to school when I'll just be falling asleep on my work, so mom let me stay home today as long as I didnt some schoolwork.
I should really stop missing school, I've missed alot this quarter and we're not even halfway through this week.
The thought of going back is nearly unbearble.
I can hardly handle lying in bed doing nothing anymore.
Theres so much going on inside my head right now, I dont know how I'm expected to deal with real life as well as whats inside my head.
It would seem that while pmsing is not the ideal time to withdraw from antidepressants.
Same with quitting therapy right now. Never have I needed an educated adult to listen to my problems, in and outside of my head and give me feedback now. Too bad my therapist is totally incompetant.
I feel like I'm back in middle school again.
All I want to do is cry and write shitty poetry and hit my head with things.
Eli would say this is existential angst and while thats funny and hes absolutely right, its still the most unpleasant feeling imagineable.
Once again I'm stuck feeling alone while surrounded by people that love me.
I am a slave to a reality that I dont believe in.
And this is totally cliche but no one understands.
I know everyone goes through depression and that many peoples are similar but the fact that no one can ever experience anything exactlly as I do kills me.
I'm all about brotherhood and shit, the only reason I can make it through every day life is by knowing that people have my back and that people care and understand.
But I'm not sure if they do anymore and I'm not sure that if they did it would make a difference.
No one is ever going to save me and no one is ever going to sort through my shit and tell me whats right.
I am alone is absolutely everything I do and every mistake I make is my own fault.
Really all anyone can do is make my physical life comfortable and say "there there".
I wish there were words.
I wish I was coming to some deep and life changing conclusions but I'm not, and thats really frusterating.
I am not using my feelings to create beautiful art or poetry and I am absolutely useless.
I am useless in my head and I am useless in everything I do outside of it.
Everyone goes through their shit, I know I'm not the only one, I know my "problems" are uncomparable to those of others.
But with all this bridges we cross, what makes it all worth it?
I dont think even the happiest person in the world can actually answer that. Everyday is spent doing shit we dont even know why we're doing.
We (I) cant justify nearly everything I do.
It takes so much to make me happy and happieness does not come guilt-free.
Life is so godamn unsatisfactory I would be better off never leaving the couch, watching Sex and the City and eating myself to death.
So why not lock myself in my room like I really want to and contemplate me until I make sense to myself.
Because that would fuck up life outside my head, and that is what I'm supposed to have "control" over.
There is no time to find the answers unless your willing to make sacrafices and why make sacrafices when you have no idea how things will turn out?
I have no idea.
I feel a little bit better for getting that all off my chest.
Thank you to anyone who gave enough of a fuck to read it all.
Anywayssss, this day is not about me, it's about Bree, cause its her birthday!!!!
YAYYYYYY!!!!!
So happy birthday Bree, you are fabulous and shouldnt need to be reminded of it!
I hope the rest of your 17th year is significantly less rainy!
I hope everyone is warm and not being rained on.
Much love, B