day number seven
the seventh day without a tv. even as i type that, it seems silly that i even need to give the thing that much attention.
...
..
...
..
...
..
...but i feel that i should. just so that one day i can look back and remember where i am...
for those of you who don't know the story: in January, the Lord told me that i needed to reevaluate my outlook on purity. the Bible is smattered with references to how pure and holy God is... that's not just for us to know how He is, but also to use as a benchmark for our own behavior...
in my life, the biggest [intangible] source of worldliness is my own rotten heart. no matter how i try to subdue it, my flesh leaps at the thought of carnal things. somehow, i fool myself into believing that i can be secular and holy at the same time. just as long as my worldliness is [safe]... as long as i'm not breaking any laws and not offending anybody, i'm okay.
but
that's
not
what
the
Lord
wants
from
me.
even that statement [as long as i'm not breaking any laws and not offending anybody, i'm okay] oozes carnality. i mean, isn't that what all "good people" in this world think? am i not supposed to be more than that? Jesus came to this earth and [to His praise and my gain] He was not satisfied with just being a "good person". is He not my example? are we not called to be a holy priesthood; a people set apart? i know all these things...and yet. and yet...
my flesh. i wish that i could just cut it off. sometimes i begin to understand why these extreme religious sects tell their followers to beat themselves. {sigh} if only that would work, we'd all be bruised but blameless. sometimes i just get so tired just fighting my self...
all these thoughts run through my brain and then the Lord takes me to the next logical step. beloved, if you know that you struggle so, why do you needlessly aggravate the situation? you see, i'm sick. knowing the colossal struggle i would have with my flesh
if
i
isolated
me
in
a
cardboard box
with
no
outside
stimuli
(and the struggle would indeed be colossal),
i habitually betray the desires of my spirit, cross the line and play for the opposing team. my flesh clamors for things of this world and i just take a big ol' shovel and load it on up. worse then that, i work all day and then i spend the fruits of my labor on buying things to feed it. more horrible still, i have stockpiled this filth in my house [RIGHT WHERE I LIVE.]; shelves [dedicated shelves] in my house just to hold the muck. who in their right mind would do that? you don't harbor the enemy...
you
kill
it.
so, in January, the Lord told me all these things and i felt the need for purity...for holiness. to be righteous. to be more than i was.
but then that feeling came and went. my self told me that i was being legalistic, ridiculous. i mean, how much is too much? where do you draw the line? if you start getting rid of the tv and stuff, then what about other things? how can you say this much, no more? plus, you know this is just going to be a phase - you'll end up having to re-buy all that stuff later. i mean, how long are you really going to live without a TV? not forever. and what about all my friends who have tvs and movies and secular music and magazines and books and trinkets and stuff? on the one hand, you never want to be the only one moving forward cos more than it being scary, it's just lonely, but on the other hand, who are you to tell everyone else that they have to get rid of their stuff just because you're going to?
boy, was that a stumbling block.
so i didn't do anything and then He called me to do it again...and again, i did nothing.
but then last friday, He called me once more. and mostly out of fear rather than desire, i made the decision to ask Kelly if we could do it. i mean, when God calls you to do something three times...can you deny that? i guess you could, but it wouldn't be the smartest thing... after all, He is God.
anyway, making the decision to talk to Kelly was the hardest thing. making the decision to put my shoulder to the thing and push; to get it rolling - that was the hard part. after that, to God's glory, it was [and has been] effortless.
i have to believe that something happens when you obey. that something up there gets unlocked and moved or grows or... not really because you understand the thing He's telling you to do; not because you grasp the scope of it... but simply because you obey.
what happened to all my concerns? He answered them. as long as i remain Spirit-led, i will know where to draw my line. i smashed up the TV, the VCR and the DVD player and then we went to Sears and bought a new stereo. i scratched up most of my DVDs but not all of them. i'm still watching LOST, but after going to the movie theater a few days ago, i'm finding out that my heart is changing. i don't have desire for movies like i used to. i still have all of my secular CDs - although i don't know how long that will last. He will tell me what needs to go when. and i know that most likely, this WILL be a phase. i hope not, but like i said earlier, the struggle with my flesh is colossal. and even if i end up re-buying stuff, at least i'll be able to look back and see that i did it right once. maybe that will help me do it again. maybe i'll learn better that way. and as far as everybody else goes... i'm not trying to convict anybody. as is evidenced in my life, God is more than able to turn hearts in their season. plus, it's not my example that matters anyway. it's His. so, if you're still reading this *miracle*, please do not look on my life as anything - either to encourage or to discourage. look to the Lord; He is the only model.
but i am asking you to pray for me; i'm making this entry as transparent as possible so that you would know my struggles... i need help. i'm tired of sitting around looking for things to amuse. i'm tired of the mentality that says "i just need a break." i'm young and [relatively] strong. the Lord has gifted me with abilities to make a difference in this life. to change things for His glory. i'm sick of sitting in the nursery; i'm tired of preschool. i'm over myself already. i need to move.
...
..
...
..
...
..
...but i feel that i should. just so that one day i can look back and remember where i am...
for those of you who don't know the story: in January, the Lord told me that i needed to reevaluate my outlook on purity. the Bible is smattered with references to how pure and holy God is... that's not just for us to know how He is, but also to use as a benchmark for our own behavior...
in my life, the biggest [intangible] source of worldliness is my own rotten heart. no matter how i try to subdue it, my flesh leaps at the thought of carnal things. somehow, i fool myself into believing that i can be secular and holy at the same time. just as long as my worldliness is [safe]... as long as i'm not breaking any laws and not offending anybody, i'm okay.
but
that's
not
what
the
Lord
wants
from
me.
even that statement [as long as i'm not breaking any laws and not offending anybody, i'm okay] oozes carnality. i mean, isn't that what all "good people" in this world think? am i not supposed to be more than that? Jesus came to this earth and [to His praise and my gain] He was not satisfied with just being a "good person". is He not my example? are we not called to be a holy priesthood; a people set apart? i know all these things...and yet. and yet...
my flesh. i wish that i could just cut it off. sometimes i begin to understand why these extreme religious sects tell their followers to beat themselves. {sigh} if only that would work, we'd all be bruised but blameless. sometimes i just get so tired just fighting my self...
all these thoughts run through my brain and then the Lord takes me to the next logical step. beloved, if you know that you struggle so, why do you needlessly aggravate the situation? you see, i'm sick. knowing the colossal struggle i would have with my flesh
if
i
isolated
me
in
a
cardboard box
with
no
outside
stimuli
(and the struggle would indeed be colossal),
i habitually betray the desires of my spirit, cross the line and play for the opposing team. my flesh clamors for things of this world and i just take a big ol' shovel and load it on up. worse then that, i work all day and then i spend the fruits of my labor on buying things to feed it. more horrible still, i have stockpiled this filth in my house [RIGHT WHERE I LIVE.]; shelves [dedicated shelves] in my house just to hold the muck. who in their right mind would do that? you don't harbor the enemy...
you
kill
it.
so, in January, the Lord told me all these things and i felt the need for purity...for holiness. to be righteous. to be more than i was.
but then that feeling came and went. my self told me that i was being legalistic, ridiculous. i mean, how much is too much? where do you draw the line? if you start getting rid of the tv and stuff, then what about other things? how can you say this much, no more? plus, you know this is just going to be a phase - you'll end up having to re-buy all that stuff later. i mean, how long are you really going to live without a TV? not forever. and what about all my friends who have tvs and movies and secular music and magazines and books and trinkets and stuff? on the one hand, you never want to be the only one moving forward cos more than it being scary, it's just lonely, but on the other hand, who are you to tell everyone else that they have to get rid of their stuff just because you're going to?
boy, was that a stumbling block.
so i didn't do anything and then He called me to do it again...and again, i did nothing.
but then last friday, He called me once more. and mostly out of fear rather than desire, i made the decision to ask Kelly if we could do it. i mean, when God calls you to do something three times...can you deny that? i guess you could, but it wouldn't be the smartest thing... after all, He is God.
anyway, making the decision to talk to Kelly was the hardest thing. making the decision to put my shoulder to the thing and push; to get it rolling - that was the hard part. after that, to God's glory, it was [and has been] effortless.
i have to believe that something happens when you obey. that something up there gets unlocked and moved or grows or... not really because you understand the thing He's telling you to do; not because you grasp the scope of it... but simply because you obey.
what happened to all my concerns? He answered them. as long as i remain Spirit-led, i will know where to draw my line. i smashed up the TV, the VCR and the DVD player and then we went to Sears and bought a new stereo. i scratched up most of my DVDs but not all of them. i'm still watching LOST, but after going to the movie theater a few days ago, i'm finding out that my heart is changing. i don't have desire for movies like i used to. i still have all of my secular CDs - although i don't know how long that will last. He will tell me what needs to go when. and i know that most likely, this WILL be a phase. i hope not, but like i said earlier, the struggle with my flesh is colossal. and even if i end up re-buying stuff, at least i'll be able to look back and see that i did it right once. maybe that will help me do it again. maybe i'll learn better that way. and as far as everybody else goes... i'm not trying to convict anybody. as is evidenced in my life, God is more than able to turn hearts in their season. plus, it's not my example that matters anyway. it's His. so, if you're still reading this *miracle*, please do not look on my life as anything - either to encourage or to discourage. look to the Lord; He is the only model.
but i am asking you to pray for me; i'm making this entry as transparent as possible so that you would know my struggles... i need help. i'm tired of sitting around looking for things to amuse. i'm tired of the mentality that says "i just need a break." i'm young and [relatively] strong. the Lord has gifted me with abilities to make a difference in this life. to change things for His glory. i'm sick of sitting in the nursery; i'm tired of preschool. i'm over myself already. i need to move.