06 March 1983
Yesterday was Lorna and Lily's birthday. I sent Lily a card. I took Lorna flowers. I remember three years ago when Mary Frobisher and Lorna got so drunk for their birthdays they could barely see straight.
That was before Mary and Archer found out about Leah.
That was before Lorna lived with me.
That was before I got tortured.
That was before Brion McKinnon died.
That feels like a lifetime ago, but it was just three years ago. I feel so old sometimes, I'm not old, I'm 26, but I feel so old. Sometimes I look in the mirror and I'm surprised at how young I look. I don't know what 26 is supposed to feel like, but I know I don't feel like that's my age.
But anyway, I went to their birthday party, we ALL went to it and they got so drunk, but those were the days when we thought that we were going to die any moment. That feeling is gone. I still wake up in a cold sweat in the middle of the night sometimes.
Of everyone, if I could pick someone to go back and save, I think it would be Lorna. I don't know why I miss her so much this year but I do. I lost both parents in the war, Monica's parents and my mother went in the same few months, I remember the fuzz I was in, I think I would have been more out of it if we hadn't all been so afraid.
I shouldn't have gone to Hogwarts.
It isn't healthy to blame yourself.
But I shouldn't have gone to Hogwarts and then she would have had someone with her the entire time.
I'm tired. The last two nights, I kept dreaming that I got lost in a maze and I could hear people trying to help me out of it, but I couldn't understand them, they were speaking English but I couldn't understand their words. I think this is a sign that I probably need to sleep more but I don't sleep well so it usually means that I wind up spending the entire night tossing and turning.
Benjy's birthday is this month and I couldn't save him either.
He was right there. RIGHT THERE. There were three DEATH EATERS, RIGHT THERE. We never found out who murdered him or Lorna or anyone else. I tried to help Aingeal and Wei, I should have worked harder and longer, I should have done something else, something more to help Aingeal with her - anything.
I should ask Aingeal what she's going to do with the baby. I would help her with it but I don't want people to think that I'm crossing any sort of friendship line because I don't think about Aingeal like that, but it's easy to get emotionally attached to someone of the opposite sex and I'm married. I just think it's a kind of cheating, I'm probably the only one, but it's a line that I don't want to cross. But I'll ask Aingeal what she's doing about the baby.
Lisa is still getting married a that the end of the month. I reckon that isn't anything compared to everything else that I've written. I just hope she's sure. I hope she's really sure that she wants to spend the rest of her natural life as Lisa Gumboil. I don't want her to get married and have any regrets and I am just worried. I know they've been together for a while, but I just want her to be sure Completely sure. That's it. I don't want her to be miserable and be married.
Melisande is marrying the Marchbanks. I don't understand that one. But Melisande must fancy him if they're getting married. I agree with Padraic Ockley, but it wasn't my battle to fight and fighting with someone who thinks that they're a gift from the heavens because they've got pure blood just isn't worth it to me, but Ockley's a pureblood too, so maybe it was more worth it for him than it was for me, I don't know. It isn't my place to say anything, I don't know Melisande that well, I just did anything anyone else would do for her. But I think that she should sit and think about if that is really what she wants. I don't trust purebloods in general anyway. Some of them I do, but a as a rule I don't.
I've written loads in here and most of it is complete shit.
Happy Birthday yesterday Lily, I hope you got my post.
Anyway, loads of people were born this month and I'm not a walking date book, so Happy Birthday to everyone else born in March. Hope it's brill.
My sister is getting married at the end of the month and from what I've been told it seems like everything is getting into order.