Agatha Heterodyne and the Mechanical Cleric
Agatha Heterodyne encounters a small communication problem
Dr Yglyn looked at the clank. The clank looked at Dr Yglyn. Agatha Heterodyne looked at them both in anticipation.
“Well?” she asked the Curate of the Great Cathedral of Mechanicsburg. “Does my new clank meet your requirements? It’s really important that we bring the defences of the Cathedral back up to strength. Your request was a bit vague, but I did some research and I’m pretty sure it will be just very perfect.”
Dr Yglyn fidgeted uncomfortably. “Yes, it is… it is very nice.” he said uncertainly.
The clank was humanoid, a little over two metres tall. Rather than having bodywork shaped to resemble an infantryman, as was usual for battle clanks, the plates of this machine had been shaped to imitate the vestments of a priest, complete with cassock and bands. A small mitre replaced the traditional shako. It carried a metal staff that resembled a bludgeon as much as a symbol of holy orders. As the curate watched in mounting horror it raised its hand in blessing and began to chant softly in Latin.
“It will do everything you need.” enthused Agatha. “I've loaded it with all the Orders of Service of the Church, with variations used by all the Popes, that odd version they have over in Britain, all of the um...unique Heterodyne rituals and even Presbyterianism, God help us. It'll be able to assist you in christenings, marriages and funerals for any denomination. It will sit on the Chapter of the Cathedral and be completely impartial in all its decision making, or you can tell it what the decisions are you want it to reach and it will work backwards to justify them using the available facts; a clever idea I picked up when I was in Britain. Also, it can give spiritual guidance and moral advice - actually those algorithms may still need some work - and it can give a sermon lasting from between 5 minutes to 3 hours based on any passage in the Bible at the touch of a button. It has an excellent singing voice to lead the congregation and it knows the words to all the hymns. It's even armoured and able to defend the Cathedral. I know all about clerics not being allowed to draw blood so I've designed it to use only bludgeoning weapons. Really, it is everything a priest should be.”
“Er.. thank you Lady Heterodyne.” said Dr Yglyn, eyeing the available exits. “It really is...is quite... unique. I'm truly delighted with your wonderful creation.”
Agatha gave him a stern look. “No you’re not.” she snapped. “Don’t think I can’t tell when you’re lying. I’ve been taking lessons from Tarvek. You have the exact facial twitching, fixed grin, shifty eye movements and defensive body language of someone who has just opened a Christmas present containing a truly horrible jumper but is determined to be polite and say how much they like it. Now, tell me. What is wrong with my clank?”
Dr Yglyn started to prevaricate.
“My lady, I can assure that there is absolutely nothing wrong with…”
Agatha sighed in frustration. Although she had done her best to introduce modern management techniques, some of the older citizens of Mechanicsburg still responded better to the more traditional methods. She grabbed the little man by the cassock and lifted him off his feet so they were face to face:
“TREMBLE AND OBEY!” she snarled.
Dr Yglyn trembled and obeyed. There didn’t seem to be any other option but to own up and hope Lady Heterodyne would kill him reasonably quickly and painlessly.
“Er, well to be honest, Lady Heterodyne, it is rather my fault. You see I’m not all that good a typist, so when I made up my list of requirements for repairs to the defences of the Cathedral, I’m afraid I misspelled one of the words. Such a silly, embarrassing mistake too. You see I left out an important ‘n’. All I wanted was a big gun to replace one damaged in the great siege of Mechanicsburg. What I meant to ask for was a machine cannon.”
Dr Yglyn looked at the clank. The clank looked at Dr Yglyn. Agatha Heterodyne looked at them both in anticipation.
“Well?” she asked the Curate of the Great Cathedral of Mechanicsburg. “Does my new clank meet your requirements? It’s really important that we bring the defences of the Cathedral back up to strength. Your request was a bit vague, but I did some research and I’m pretty sure it will be just very perfect.”
Dr Yglyn fidgeted uncomfortably. “Yes, it is… it is very nice.” he said uncertainly.
The clank was humanoid, a little over two metres tall. Rather than having bodywork shaped to resemble an infantryman, as was usual for battle clanks, the plates of this machine had been shaped to imitate the vestments of a priest, complete with cassock and bands. A small mitre replaced the traditional shako. It carried a metal staff that resembled a bludgeon as much as a symbol of holy orders. As the curate watched in mounting horror it raised its hand in blessing and began to chant softly in Latin.
“It will do everything you need.” enthused Agatha. “I've loaded it with all the Orders of Service of the Church, with variations used by all the Popes, that odd version they have over in Britain, all of the um...unique Heterodyne rituals and even Presbyterianism, God help us. It'll be able to assist you in christenings, marriages and funerals for any denomination. It will sit on the Chapter of the Cathedral and be completely impartial in all its decision making, or you can tell it what the decisions are you want it to reach and it will work backwards to justify them using the available facts; a clever idea I picked up when I was in Britain. Also, it can give spiritual guidance and moral advice - actually those algorithms may still need some work - and it can give a sermon lasting from between 5 minutes to 3 hours based on any passage in the Bible at the touch of a button. It has an excellent singing voice to lead the congregation and it knows the words to all the hymns. It's even armoured and able to defend the Cathedral. I know all about clerics not being allowed to draw blood so I've designed it to use only bludgeoning weapons. Really, it is everything a priest should be.”
“Er.. thank you Lady Heterodyne.” said Dr Yglyn, eyeing the available exits. “It really is...is quite... unique. I'm truly delighted with your wonderful creation.”
Agatha gave him a stern look. “No you’re not.” she snapped. “Don’t think I can’t tell when you’re lying. I’ve been taking lessons from Tarvek. You have the exact facial twitching, fixed grin, shifty eye movements and defensive body language of someone who has just opened a Christmas present containing a truly horrible jumper but is determined to be polite and say how much they like it. Now, tell me. What is wrong with my clank?”
Dr Yglyn started to prevaricate.
“My lady, I can assure that there is absolutely nothing wrong with…”
Agatha sighed in frustration. Although she had done her best to introduce modern management techniques, some of the older citizens of Mechanicsburg still responded better to the more traditional methods. She grabbed the little man by the cassock and lifted him off his feet so they were face to face:
“TREMBLE AND OBEY!” she snarled.
Dr Yglyn trembled and obeyed. There didn’t seem to be any other option but to own up and hope Lady Heterodyne would kill him reasonably quickly and painlessly.
“Er, well to be honest, Lady Heterodyne, it is rather my fault. You see I’m not all that good a typist, so when I made up my list of requirements for repairs to the defences of the Cathedral, I’m afraid I misspelled one of the words. Such a silly, embarrassing mistake too. You see I left out an important ‘n’. All I wanted was a big gun to replace one damaged in the great siege of Mechanicsburg. What I meant to ask for was a machine cannon.”