Agatha Heterodyne and the Ravening Monster Part 1
When a monster goes berserk in Castle Heterodyne Agatha and her team must track it down.
On a bright day in early summer the ominous two-tone wailing of the Monster Siren rang out across Mechanicsburg. Every settlement in Europa living in the shadow of the Spark has such an alarm to alert the townsfolk when a dangerous creature escapes from the Castle and goes on the rampage. When the people hear the warning they know it is time to put up the shutters, lock the door (and not open it if anyone knocks, despite what you may have seen in the Heterodyne shows) and cower in the cellar, although in Mechanicsburg the fear is tempered by a certain amount of civic pride. Meanwhile their Lord the Spark musters his forces to hunt down the Abomination that has resulted from the unfortunate unforeseeable side-effects of his latest experiment - or possibly he takes the good brandy, cigars and a powerful telescope up to a suitably high and secure Castle balcony with a view of the town to enjoy an evening of free entertainment. It has to be said that since Agatha Heterodyne has been Master of Mechanicsburg the Monster Alarm has hardly sounded at all; no more than once a month. It also has to be said that some of the older residents shake their heads at this and wonder if the new Heterodyne is really trying hard enough.
Inside Castle Heterodyne, Agatha, Krosp, Violetta and General Zog viewed a scene of total devastation. The walls, floor and even the ceiling of the room were splattered with blood that a short time before had been inside the Jäger whose shredded remains lay scattered amidst the overturned furniture. Despite her extensive medical experience working on constructs, Jägers and normal humans, Agatha felt slightly nauseous.
“What was his name?” she asked the General.
“Dot vas Berndt.” replied Zog in his gruff voice, prodding an unidentifiable piece of internal organ with his boot. “Alvays laffink, de life und sole ov de party. Alvays a great vun vit de chokes.”
Agatha was deeply disturbed by such extreme violence in the heart of her stronghold. “How could this happen? How could one of my minions have suddenly gone so berserk as to actually kill a Jäger?” She turned and addressed the ceiling, its Baroque paintings of fanged and tentacled cherubs ruined by arterial spray. “And how could the creature just escape? Why didn't you activate any death traps? Usually you don't need any excuse to start trying to hurt people.”
“Well, it was just a Jäger fight.” replied Castle Heterodyne. “Much as I'd like to join in every time the Jägers start a brawl, you always scold me when I try to be proactive.”
“Yes, but this is different! Berndt's been killed!”
“So… you can't fix him then?” the Castle enquired innocently.
“Fix him?! He's been torn limb from limb and plastered all round the room!”
The Castle gave a supercilious sniff, a clever trick for a mechanism without a nose. “Well, it's not my place to pass comment of course, but the Old Masters would have regarded that as an opportunity, rather than a problem.”
“We are so not going there. The Jägerdraft may mean they are tough and heal fast, but there are limits, OK? This Jäger is quite definitely dead! Anyway, there aren't any salvageable parts.”
Agatha turned to Krosp, who was standing on a window alcove to avoid getting any blood on his fur.
“Can you tell me why this happened? When this wolf construct came to us I had grave reservations about taking in one of Dr Vapnoople's creations, but you promised me there would be no danger. I seem to remember taking on the new minion against my better judgement.”
The cat drew himself up to his full height. Having his decisions questioned was an affront to his pride.
“Clearly this was one of Papa's early works and rather less controlled than his later, superior achievements, such as myself. You can hardly blame me if there were flaws in the design. The donor creature was a mere wolf. It was unrealistic of you to expect it to be as rational and civilised as a cat. Now, focus on what's important. You must kill this construct and kill it quickly.”
“What about all the sibling bonding that you told me about after we found out that this was a surviving intelligent construct created by your Papa?”
Krosp scowled. “That was before Papa's creation became a threat to me.”
“But there's no threat to you here in the Castle.” Violetta assured him. “The Castle reports that the construct has already escaped from the City and has been tracked to one of its defensive installations in the hills.”
“The threat here is to my reputation. If one of Dr Vapnoople's creations can become a ravening monster, then people will start to wonder if the other one might go the same way. We need to hunt the creature down as soon as possible with the minimum of fuss, then burn the body and forget this Abomination ever existed, before anyone makes a connection to me.”
“By 'we' I take it you mean ‘me’?” Agatha asked him sardonically.
“I'm the strategist. I leave you to take care of the details. Now, you're wasting time. Get out there and put your famous monster hunting skills to good use before anyone else dies.”
He turned away, looking through the shattered window from which the construct had escaped to the distant mountains beyond. With his hands clasped behind his back in his best ‘Emperor’ pose he projected the image of a great mind devising stratagems to crush the enemies of Mechanicsburg. Actually, he was thinking what he would like for lunch. The smell of all that blood had made him hungry again.
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Zeetha climbed the hill swiftly, but with caution. Although hot on the trail, she knew not to rush headlong in pursuit. A hunter must always be wary of a wounded animal turning on its pursuers without warning. As soon as the alarm had sounded she had run straight to the scene of the carnage and begun monster hunting. The trail of blood left by her quarry was easy to track through the streets of Mechanicsburg and up into the hills beyond. Zeetha wasn't sure if the monster was injured or if it was dripping with blood from the dismembered Jäger. Judging by the carnage, it was probably both. She followed the trail up a short but steep hill outside Mechanicsburg, towards a small ruined cottage; an ideal place for a wounded monster to hide. As she neared the top she heard voices and cresting the brow was surprised to see Moloch Von Zinzer and Fraulein Snaug with a four legged pack clank weighed down with equipment. Steam rose from the joints of the pack clank, as though it had been driven hard. Fraulein Snaug was busy unloading it, laying out the various weapons and other Spark-created mechanisms in neat and ordered rows in the best tradition of the well trained minion. Von Zinzer was peering uncertainly into the single entrance to the ruin. He jumped when Zeetha came up behind him.
“Hi Moloch.” she said in her best reassuring voice. “You sure the monster is there?” She didn't really need to ask. The smeared bloody footprints on the threshold were hard to miss. “Don't worry. I can take it from here.” She drew her two swords and tried to walk past Von Zinzer, but was surprised when he moved to stop her.
“No” he told her. “No, this is something I have to do myself. Come away from the entrance.” Intrigued, Zeetha allowed herself to be led away from the doorway. Nevertheless she kept a close eye on the exit with her swords drawn in case the monster suddenly burst out. Von Zinzer leaned in close and spoke with unusual intensity.
“Please, I have to go in first. This is one of my team we are talking about, do you understand? I'm Head Minion and this is one of my people. My responsibility. I have to go in there and see what is wrong. I can't believe that this is a ravening monster. Something happened in that room back at the Castle and I want to know what before I let you just go in there and start butchering.”
Zeetha gaped at Von Zinzer as though he had just grown another head. Actually, having been around Agatha and Mechanicsburg for some time, she would have been less surprised if he really had grown an extra head. It took all her warrior training to keep her amazement under control and focus on the matter in hand.
“Wha.... I mean, I respect your decision and your concern. But you realise you are taking a terrible risk? That thing could rip your head off.”
“Don't worry Moloch.” shouted Fraulein Snaug. “If you do get your head ripped off I've brought all the equipment I need to stick it back on again - and I can make improvements! Muhahahahaha!!”.
Zeetha raised an eyebrow “She's been working on the maniacal laughter. At least she's brought a good selection of weapons for you. I would recommend that M41A Pulse Rifle. It’s got a reputation for being pretty effective against monsters even if you haven’t had any military training, so you stand at least an even chance of stopping the monster before it gets you.”
“I don't need weapons.” Von Zinzer reassured Zeetha. “I have this.” He indicated a bulging brown paper bag in his pocket. Zeetha couldn't see what it contained. She rather didn’t want to know what Spark-created Abomination of Science could be more effective than the array of weaponry laid out on the grass. “If you're sure, well, good luck, but I still think you are taking an insane risk. Do you know the ground plan in there?”
“Yes, it’s a single corridor with a closed windowless room with no exits at the end. It looks like a ruin, but in fact you can see its part of the Castle's outer defences. It's a big booby trap.”
“Could we use that to catch the monster?”
“The Castle reports that it’s been recently deactivated. That's how I knew this was the place to come.”
“If you need help, just scream. I'll be right here to back you up.”
“No, that won't be necessary. I know I'm in no danger.” Von Zinzer reassured her, his voice trembling. Zeetha made a mental note to invite Von Zinzer to the Friday night poker sessions; if he lived that long.
Von Zinzer squared his shoulders and walked towards the entrance, but then paused to watch Fraulein Snaug as she continued unpacking all manner of unreasonable machinery from the pack-clank, giggling insanely all the while. He turned and walked back to Zeetha. In a way she was a little disappointed that his nerve had failed him, but at least he had the humility to step away from danger, rather than allowing his pride to lead him to an unnecessary and horrible death. He came close to her and whispered to her so that Snaug would not hear.
“Look, Zeetha, can I ask a favour? It could be dangerous, but please, do this last thing for me. Promise me if …something bad happens to me in there, you won’t let Fraulein Snaug try and put me back together.”
Zeetha smiled. “Of course. I promise I will give my life to make sure you stay dead. Naturally, you want to make sure no-one works on you but Agatha.”
Von Zinzer’s expression went from very scared to absolutely terrified. “Gear grit, no! I hadn’t thought she might be after me too!” he squeaked, pulling a large wax-sealed envelope from an inside pocket. “Look, here’s my ‘Do Not Resurrect’ Notice, all signed and witnessed. If I die in there, just make sure I do not donate any parts of my body to science.” Zeetha nodded and clasped his shoulder in reassurance. She was not surprised to find Von Zinzer was trembling. With a deep breath the Head Minion turned and without a backward glance walked into the dark entrance to face whatever lay within.
Zeetha walked over to the Fraulein Snaug, who had finished unpacking and arranging the terrifying pieces of apparatus. It was difficult for Zeetha's untrained eye to tell if some of them were weapons, instruments of torture or medical devices. Knowing Mechanicsburg, it was likely that they could be used for all three purposes, possibly at the same time.
“Von Zinzer must think very highly of this minion to take such a risk to try and save him.” she said. “What is his name?” Fraulein Snaug gave a snort of disgust, her good humour replaced in an instant by resentful rage.
“Oh yes, I’m sure they get on very well together and he thinks very highly of it indeed.” she sneered through clenched teeth. “And that bitch's name is Florence.”
“Oh my.” Zeetha's face was suddenly foolish with understanding. “Oh, I see.”
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Von Zinzer advanced slowly down the dark corridor, trying to move as stealthily as possible. Rationally, he knew this to be pointless. Even in the unlikely event that Florence did not hear him, she would still smell him coming. He tried to remember if she had enhanced night vision. Probably not; she didn’t see colours well. He also remembered that she found creatures injured or in distress rather appetising. All in all it seemed best to just stride confidently down the corridor as though he were alpha minion. He reached the end of the corridor where it entered the room. The control panel for the trap mechanism in the doorway had been dismantled and deactivated. Not ripped apart or destroyed by weapons fire, but carefully disassembled by an engineer who had every intention that it should go back together again. It gave him hope that perhaps the Florence he knew was still in there somewhere. Of course this also meant that the windowless room containing a fast, strong apex predator was in darkness. He pulled a small aether lantern from his pocket to illuminate the first few feet in front of him. From the far side of the room the light reflected back from a pair of red eyes. ‘That’s just the reflection from her retinas’, Von Zinzer told himself; ‘her eyes aren't really glowing’. The light also glistened on a row of bared sharp teeth in a mouth too wide and too long for any human face. There was a long, low growl. Von Zinzer concentrated on keeping his voice calm and confident. Despite all the practice he had had in the last few years, he still wasn’t getting much better at it.
“Hello Florence.” He pulled the bag from his pocket and rustled the paper encouragingly. “I brought doggy treats.”
The growling was replaced by a soft snuffling and the reflections from the teeth vanished. There was a soft thump in the darkness; the sound of some stiff but soft object striking the floor. It sounded again and again, slowly building up in speed and intensity. For a moment Von Zinzer held his breath. What other creature was moving in the dark? Then, with relief, he realised it was Florence wagging her tail. Everything was going to be all right, at least for the next five minutes.
“Moloch?” whimpered a female voice in the darkness. “I’ve been bad.” He crossed the room in rapid strides to where the wolf-woman was crouching, held her in his arms and gave her a doggy treat. They always seemed to make things better. The thumping of Florence’s tail against the floor grew faster and louder.
“I’m so sorry.” she whispered as he pressed her head against his shoulder. “I didn’t mean to become a monster.”
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Florence was a wolf human hybrid created by the Mad Scientist, talented Spark, Dr Dmitri Vapnoople, the last of the vast army that had dominated hundreds of square kilometres until they had finally challenged Baron Klaus Wulfenbach. It had taken 3 years for the Empire at the very height of its power to defeat them. Dr Vapnoople had been recruited by the Baron, for whom he continued to create animal constructs, including Krosp, with mixed success. You can read more about his subsequent career in Lady Heterodyne’s official biography. Normally the Baron recruited the creations of a defeated Spark into the Empire’s army but the wolfmen of Dr Vapnoople had proved so loyal to their creator that they had to be destroyed. Florence had not been captured with the other members of her pack but after a series of improbable adventures had ended up as a minion working for Agatha Heterodyne in Mechanicsburg, where lost souls were always welcomed and monsters commonplace.
Florence was a construct, a wolf with highly modified hips and shoulders that enabled her to walk upright like a human. Her head was distinctly canine, with a muzzle and pointed wolf ears, but she had fine dark brown hair and her face was far more expressive and human than any wolf or dog. Her front paws had been replaced with fur-covered human hands. She walked on her hind legs, but preferred to run on all fours. She was covered in fur, reddish brown over most of her body but white on her chest and abdomen. She invariably wore one piece Arbeitsanzug overalls, modified at the back for her long waggley tail. By Mechanicsburg standards, where far more outlandish constructs pulled delivery carts, Florence hardly qualified as a monster at all. There was one other factor that made Florence instantly accepted in Mechanicsburg; she was an expert, hardworking and conscientious technician and in Mechanicsburg that made her a valued member of society, whatever the colour of her fur. Moloch Von Zinzer, who had more than a passing hand in recruiting her (see Moloch von Zinzer and the Revolting Minions) was surprised to find that she was completely grounded. In fact, apart from himself, she was the sanest minion he had ever met. Once he had got used to the enormous row of sharp pointy teeth, which he later learned was Florence’s attempt at a friendly smile, he found himself spending much of his rare leisure time in her company, taking long walks in the hills and hunting deer. For some reason he had never quite understood, Fraulein Snaug, Sanaa Tryggvasson and Violetta all hated her guts.
-----------------------*
Outside the ruin, Zeetha, worried by the continued silence, was about to mount a rescue, when Agatha and Violetta arrived at the top of the hill. Agatha was carrying her latest death ray.
“Have you run it to ground? Is it in there?” she asked the Skifanderian.
“Yes, I'm pretty sure she’s there. Von Zinzer has just gone in there after her.”
“What! On his own? Has he gone completely mad?”
“Almost certainly. He seemed to think that as it was one of his own people, he had a duty to find out what the problem was rather than just letting me kill her. You do realise he just called himself Head Minion?”
Violetta looked at her with undisguised astonishment. “Seriously? You sure it’s really him?”
Zeetha shrugged. “Whatever the reason why he wants to save that wolf, it’s pretty strong if he forgets himself as much as that. It's too quiet in there and he’s been gone too long. I'm going in.”
“No!” Agatha pushed in front of her. “This is my minion and my responsibility. You all stay here and get ready to back me up. I'm going in.” She pushed a large button on her death ray and various dynamos spun up to speed with an cacophony of ominous rising howls and whines. A powerful floodlight mounted under the barrel snapped on and illuminated the corridor. She strode into the building to face the ravening monster.
“Oi!” Zeetha shouted after her. “There's a queue here!”
“I should drop it.” whispered Violetta. “That's a new death ray. I say we give her 30 seconds to try it out and then go in to help.”
As Agatha strode into the chamber the light from her gun revealed Von Zinzer and Florence standing together on the far side of the room. She shouted at her head minion.
“Von Zinzer. Get out of the way! I’m going to shoot that cow!”
Moloch stood his ground. He pushed Florence behind him, putting himself between the wolf and the death ray, backing them both into a corner of the room.
Agatha looked bemused. “What are you doing you idiot? Get out of the way! Get out of the way so I can get a clear shot!”
“Stay behind me.” he told Florence, hoping she would be obedient. “STAY!”
Puffing out his chest and pulling his shoulders back, he looked the Heterodyne in the eye and addressed her in his best Sergeant’s voice.
“You want Florence?! You’ll have to go through me first. No-one kills my wolf while I am alive!” He pointed to the centre of his chest. “Go on! Aim here!”
Taking his words literally, the aiming mechanism of the gun gave a series of clicks and whirs. Three red targeting spots converged on Moloch and came together in a cluster about three centimetres apart directly over his heart. There was a happy peep-peep sound to indicate a positive lock. As Moloch moved, so the gyros in the gun kept it pointing straight at him.
“Er… There isn’t the least chance that your gun doesn’t shoot straight is there?” he asked Agatha.
“No. none whatsoever. Now get out of my way so I can blow her head off.”
“No, I… I won’t let you. It isn’t fair. You can’t just shoot her like a d.. like a rat in a hole. You’ve got to hear her side of the story.”
As he talked, Agatha was pressing various buttons on her gun to get the targeting mechanism to re-focus on Florence. Each time it happily locked back onto Von Zinzer, the obvious target. It occurred to Moloch that if Agatha had a simple rifle with an aperture sight she could probably have just shot Florence the old fashioned way; there was no way he could be perfectly shielding his wolf. It also occurred to him that one of Agatha’s guns would probably be powerful enough to blast a hole through him and Florence and then take out a chunk of the wall behind them.
Zeetha and Violetta entered the room behind Agatha. Zeetha had both her swords drawn, while Violetta had selected a batna, a huge Spark-enhanced two-handed sword unique to Mechanicsburg, from the pack clank’s weapons stash. Behind them in the entrance Fraulein Snaug reconnected one of the disconnected components and the room was suddenly illuminated by the dim ceiling lights.
Violetta surveyed the scene in amazement. “What on earth? Von Zinzer, what are you doing you idiot? Are you a hostage? Don’t worry, I’ll save you!”
“She isn’t a monster.” Von Zinzer told her desperately. “I’m not getting out of the way.”
“Oh that won’t be necessary,” the Smoke Knight told him casually, leaning against the wall. “She can’t hide behind you all day.”
Something hard pushed against Von Zinzer’s back. Looking over his shoulder he saw Violetta’s batna slowly toppling into the corner of the room behind him. There was a startled ‘Yip’. Turning he saw Florence on the far side of the room in front of him, with Violetta hanging on to her with both hands as they struggled. No matter how many times he saw it, he just had to be impressed by the Smoke Knight’s sleight of hand.
Violetta was having trouble holding Florence. “Now my Lady! What are you waiting for! Shoot her! SHOOT! HER!”.
Agatha aimed her gun at point blank range as the targeting mechanism obediently focussed in on the wolf’s forehead and gave its happy little peep-peep. Florence stopped struggling and crouched down on all fours in a submissive posture, with Violetta on top of her holding firmly on to her hair. Von Zinzer knew he only had seconds to save the wolf's life.
“Wait!” he called desperately “Florence, explain what you have been doing at the Castle yesterday. “Go on, speak!”
Florence looked between Agatha and him uncertainly. “Yesterday? Well... I refuelled all the vrilium cylinders in the Large Victim Medical Lab. I serviced the orgone energy accumulators for the City APNHAD and I filed off a burr on the rotator cuff in one of the legs of a medium duty warehouse clank that I noticed wasn't moving as well as it should have been.”
“Listen, Lady Heterodyne, Agatha.” Von Zinzer was pleading. “Listen to her. Please That is not an insane, ravening monster talking now is it? That is a sane, rational, thinking creature.”
“Sane?” Agatha was incredulous. “She just ripped a Jäger to pieces! Small pieces! With her bare claws and teeth!”
“OK, OK, just hear me out. We not arguing about that. It’s all a question of whether she is a monster or not. If she was an insane, ravening monster, fine, shoot her. But she isn’t. Look at her. She’s a person. A rational being. You can’t just shoot her without at least hearing her side of the story. Not even Baron Wulfenbach would have done that.”
Agatha gave a sharp intake of breath. For a horrible moment Von Zinzer thought he had just gotten them both killed. Before Agatha could pull the trigger, Zeetha laid a calming hand on her arm.
“Zumil, listen. Rather than let me come in and kill it, Moloch insisted on coming in here, unarmed, on his own, to talk to this wolf, even though he was terrified. For that at least he deserves to be heard. This woman, whatever she has done, is not insane and mindless. She should be judged in the daylight, in the open, not just killed in the dark.”
Agatha looked disappointed. “Aw, but I haven’t shot any monsters with my new death ray yet.”
“Don’t worry.” said Zeetha reassured her. “There’s always Fraulein Snaug… Joking. No! I’m joking!”
With reluctance, Agatha powered down the gun. Violetta looked unhappy and kept hold of Florence’s hair. Her other hand held a knife at the wolf’s throat. “It would be safer to just kill it now.”
Agatha looked at the creature crouched before her and suddenly saw not a ravening wolf construct, but a terrified young woman. “No! No, we’ll take her back to Mechanicsburg and hear what she has to say for herself. But she’s going on the lead.”
“That’s not fair!” protested Von Zinzer. “You can’t humiliate her like that!”
“Really, it’s alright.” said Florence. “I’ve been bad and deserve to be punished. It’s not safe for me to be free.”
Von Zinzer was still unhappy. “All right then, but I’m holding the lead.”
“Fine.” Violetta told him. “But just remember I’m holding the knife.”
Agatha looked at the wolf seriously. “No Florence, you aren’t safe. And know this. We will want to know why you did what you did, and if I find that you are a ravening monster I will put you down. Do you understand?”
Florence nodded in submission, her head bowed. She allowed a collar to be fastened around her neck and a stout lead attached, with Moloch Von Zinzer clutching the other end tightly in both hands. They left a happy Fraulein Snaug to pack away all the equipment and follow on the pack clank and then, under the close guard of Violetta, Zeetha and Agatha, one man and his wolf began the long, slow walk back to Mechanicsburg and judgement.
Is Florence really a Ravening Monster? Will Von Zinzer’s heroics be in vain? Why the Hell is he taking such insane risks anyway? Don’t miss the next exciting episode of ‘Agatha Heterodyne and the Ravening Monster’!
Florence is the incarnation in the Girl Genius Universe of Florence Ambrose from the excellent webcomic Freefall. The wolf-human hybrids of Dr Vapnoople are mentioned in an extra scene in the novelisation Agatha H. and the Airship City which does not appear in the webcomic.
On a bright day in early summer the ominous two-tone wailing of the Monster Siren rang out across Mechanicsburg. Every settlement in Europa living in the shadow of the Spark has such an alarm to alert the townsfolk when a dangerous creature escapes from the Castle and goes on the rampage. When the people hear the warning they know it is time to put up the shutters, lock the door (and not open it if anyone knocks, despite what you may have seen in the Heterodyne shows) and cower in the cellar, although in Mechanicsburg the fear is tempered by a certain amount of civic pride. Meanwhile their Lord the Spark musters his forces to hunt down the Abomination that has resulted from the unfortunate unforeseeable side-effects of his latest experiment - or possibly he takes the good brandy, cigars and a powerful telescope up to a suitably high and secure Castle balcony with a view of the town to enjoy an evening of free entertainment. It has to be said that since Agatha Heterodyne has been Master of Mechanicsburg the Monster Alarm has hardly sounded at all; no more than once a month. It also has to be said that some of the older residents shake their heads at this and wonder if the new Heterodyne is really trying hard enough.
Inside Castle Heterodyne, Agatha, Krosp, Violetta and General Zog viewed a scene of total devastation. The walls, floor and even the ceiling of the room were splattered with blood that a short time before had been inside the Jäger whose shredded remains lay scattered amidst the overturned furniture. Despite her extensive medical experience working on constructs, Jägers and normal humans, Agatha felt slightly nauseous.
“What was his name?” she asked the General.
“Dot vas Berndt.” replied Zog in his gruff voice, prodding an unidentifiable piece of internal organ with his boot. “Alvays laffink, de life und sole ov de party. Alvays a great vun vit de chokes.”
Agatha was deeply disturbed by such extreme violence in the heart of her stronghold. “How could this happen? How could one of my minions have suddenly gone so berserk as to actually kill a Jäger?” She turned and addressed the ceiling, its Baroque paintings of fanged and tentacled cherubs ruined by arterial spray. “And how could the creature just escape? Why didn't you activate any death traps? Usually you don't need any excuse to start trying to hurt people.”
“Well, it was just a Jäger fight.” replied Castle Heterodyne. “Much as I'd like to join in every time the Jägers start a brawl, you always scold me when I try to be proactive.”
“Yes, but this is different! Berndt's been killed!”
“So… you can't fix him then?” the Castle enquired innocently.
“Fix him?! He's been torn limb from limb and plastered all round the room!”
The Castle gave a supercilious sniff, a clever trick for a mechanism without a nose. “Well, it's not my place to pass comment of course, but the Old Masters would have regarded that as an opportunity, rather than a problem.”
“We are so not going there. The Jägerdraft may mean they are tough and heal fast, but there are limits, OK? This Jäger is quite definitely dead! Anyway, there aren't any salvageable parts.”
Agatha turned to Krosp, who was standing on a window alcove to avoid getting any blood on his fur.
“Can you tell me why this happened? When this wolf construct came to us I had grave reservations about taking in one of Dr Vapnoople's creations, but you promised me there would be no danger. I seem to remember taking on the new minion against my better judgement.”
The cat drew himself up to his full height. Having his decisions questioned was an affront to his pride.
“Clearly this was one of Papa's early works and rather less controlled than his later, superior achievements, such as myself. You can hardly blame me if there were flaws in the design. The donor creature was a mere wolf. It was unrealistic of you to expect it to be as rational and civilised as a cat. Now, focus on what's important. You must kill this construct and kill it quickly.”
“What about all the sibling bonding that you told me about after we found out that this was a surviving intelligent construct created by your Papa?”
Krosp scowled. “That was before Papa's creation became a threat to me.”
“But there's no threat to you here in the Castle.” Violetta assured him. “The Castle reports that the construct has already escaped from the City and has been tracked to one of its defensive installations in the hills.”
“The threat here is to my reputation. If one of Dr Vapnoople's creations can become a ravening monster, then people will start to wonder if the other one might go the same way. We need to hunt the creature down as soon as possible with the minimum of fuss, then burn the body and forget this Abomination ever existed, before anyone makes a connection to me.”
“By 'we' I take it you mean ‘me’?” Agatha asked him sardonically.
“I'm the strategist. I leave you to take care of the details. Now, you're wasting time. Get out there and put your famous monster hunting skills to good use before anyone else dies.”
He turned away, looking through the shattered window from which the construct had escaped to the distant mountains beyond. With his hands clasped behind his back in his best ‘Emperor’ pose he projected the image of a great mind devising stratagems to crush the enemies of Mechanicsburg. Actually, he was thinking what he would like for lunch. The smell of all that blood had made him hungry again.
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Zeetha climbed the hill swiftly, but with caution. Although hot on the trail, she knew not to rush headlong in pursuit. A hunter must always be wary of a wounded animal turning on its pursuers without warning. As soon as the alarm had sounded she had run straight to the scene of the carnage and begun monster hunting. The trail of blood left by her quarry was easy to track through the streets of Mechanicsburg and up into the hills beyond. Zeetha wasn't sure if the monster was injured or if it was dripping with blood from the dismembered Jäger. Judging by the carnage, it was probably both. She followed the trail up a short but steep hill outside Mechanicsburg, towards a small ruined cottage; an ideal place for a wounded monster to hide. As she neared the top she heard voices and cresting the brow was surprised to see Moloch Von Zinzer and Fraulein Snaug with a four legged pack clank weighed down with equipment. Steam rose from the joints of the pack clank, as though it had been driven hard. Fraulein Snaug was busy unloading it, laying out the various weapons and other Spark-created mechanisms in neat and ordered rows in the best tradition of the well trained minion. Von Zinzer was peering uncertainly into the single entrance to the ruin. He jumped when Zeetha came up behind him.
“Hi Moloch.” she said in her best reassuring voice. “You sure the monster is there?” She didn't really need to ask. The smeared bloody footprints on the threshold were hard to miss. “Don't worry. I can take it from here.” She drew her two swords and tried to walk past Von Zinzer, but was surprised when he moved to stop her.
“No” he told her. “No, this is something I have to do myself. Come away from the entrance.” Intrigued, Zeetha allowed herself to be led away from the doorway. Nevertheless she kept a close eye on the exit with her swords drawn in case the monster suddenly burst out. Von Zinzer leaned in close and spoke with unusual intensity.
“Please, I have to go in first. This is one of my team we are talking about, do you understand? I'm Head Minion and this is one of my people. My responsibility. I have to go in there and see what is wrong. I can't believe that this is a ravening monster. Something happened in that room back at the Castle and I want to know what before I let you just go in there and start butchering.”
Zeetha gaped at Von Zinzer as though he had just grown another head. Actually, having been around Agatha and Mechanicsburg for some time, she would have been less surprised if he really had grown an extra head. It took all her warrior training to keep her amazement under control and focus on the matter in hand.
“Wha.... I mean, I respect your decision and your concern. But you realise you are taking a terrible risk? That thing could rip your head off.”
“Don't worry Moloch.” shouted Fraulein Snaug. “If you do get your head ripped off I've brought all the equipment I need to stick it back on again - and I can make improvements! Muhahahahaha!!”.
Zeetha raised an eyebrow “She's been working on the maniacal laughter. At least she's brought a good selection of weapons for you. I would recommend that M41A Pulse Rifle. It’s got a reputation for being pretty effective against monsters even if you haven’t had any military training, so you stand at least an even chance of stopping the monster before it gets you.”
“I don't need weapons.” Von Zinzer reassured Zeetha. “I have this.” He indicated a bulging brown paper bag in his pocket. Zeetha couldn't see what it contained. She rather didn’t want to know what Spark-created Abomination of Science could be more effective than the array of weaponry laid out on the grass. “If you're sure, well, good luck, but I still think you are taking an insane risk. Do you know the ground plan in there?”
“Yes, it’s a single corridor with a closed windowless room with no exits at the end. It looks like a ruin, but in fact you can see its part of the Castle's outer defences. It's a big booby trap.”
“Could we use that to catch the monster?”
“The Castle reports that it’s been recently deactivated. That's how I knew this was the place to come.”
“If you need help, just scream. I'll be right here to back you up.”
“No, that won't be necessary. I know I'm in no danger.” Von Zinzer reassured her, his voice trembling. Zeetha made a mental note to invite Von Zinzer to the Friday night poker sessions; if he lived that long.
Von Zinzer squared his shoulders and walked towards the entrance, but then paused to watch Fraulein Snaug as she continued unpacking all manner of unreasonable machinery from the pack-clank, giggling insanely all the while. He turned and walked back to Zeetha. In a way she was a little disappointed that his nerve had failed him, but at least he had the humility to step away from danger, rather than allowing his pride to lead him to an unnecessary and horrible death. He came close to her and whispered to her so that Snaug would not hear.
“Look, Zeetha, can I ask a favour? It could be dangerous, but please, do this last thing for me. Promise me if …something bad happens to me in there, you won’t let Fraulein Snaug try and put me back together.”
Zeetha smiled. “Of course. I promise I will give my life to make sure you stay dead. Naturally, you want to make sure no-one works on you but Agatha.”
Von Zinzer’s expression went from very scared to absolutely terrified. “Gear grit, no! I hadn’t thought she might be after me too!” he squeaked, pulling a large wax-sealed envelope from an inside pocket. “Look, here’s my ‘Do Not Resurrect’ Notice, all signed and witnessed. If I die in there, just make sure I do not donate any parts of my body to science.” Zeetha nodded and clasped his shoulder in reassurance. She was not surprised to find Von Zinzer was trembling. With a deep breath the Head Minion turned and without a backward glance walked into the dark entrance to face whatever lay within.
Zeetha walked over to the Fraulein Snaug, who had finished unpacking and arranging the terrifying pieces of apparatus. It was difficult for Zeetha's untrained eye to tell if some of them were weapons, instruments of torture or medical devices. Knowing Mechanicsburg, it was likely that they could be used for all three purposes, possibly at the same time.
“Von Zinzer must think very highly of this minion to take such a risk to try and save him.” she said. “What is his name?” Fraulein Snaug gave a snort of disgust, her good humour replaced in an instant by resentful rage.
“Oh yes, I’m sure they get on very well together and he thinks very highly of it indeed.” she sneered through clenched teeth. “And that bitch's name is Florence.”
“Oh my.” Zeetha's face was suddenly foolish with understanding. “Oh, I see.”
--------------------------*
Von Zinzer advanced slowly down the dark corridor, trying to move as stealthily as possible. Rationally, he knew this to be pointless. Even in the unlikely event that Florence did not hear him, she would still smell him coming. He tried to remember if she had enhanced night vision. Probably not; she didn’t see colours well. He also remembered that she found creatures injured or in distress rather appetising. All in all it seemed best to just stride confidently down the corridor as though he were alpha minion. He reached the end of the corridor where it entered the room. The control panel for the trap mechanism in the doorway had been dismantled and deactivated. Not ripped apart or destroyed by weapons fire, but carefully disassembled by an engineer who had every intention that it should go back together again. It gave him hope that perhaps the Florence he knew was still in there somewhere. Of course this also meant that the windowless room containing a fast, strong apex predator was in darkness. He pulled a small aether lantern from his pocket to illuminate the first few feet in front of him. From the far side of the room the light reflected back from a pair of red eyes. ‘That’s just the reflection from her retinas’, Von Zinzer told himself; ‘her eyes aren't really glowing’. The light also glistened on a row of bared sharp teeth in a mouth too wide and too long for any human face. There was a long, low growl. Von Zinzer concentrated on keeping his voice calm and confident. Despite all the practice he had had in the last few years, he still wasn’t getting much better at it.
“Hello Florence.” He pulled the bag from his pocket and rustled the paper encouragingly. “I brought doggy treats.”
The growling was replaced by a soft snuffling and the reflections from the teeth vanished. There was a soft thump in the darkness; the sound of some stiff but soft object striking the floor. It sounded again and again, slowly building up in speed and intensity. For a moment Von Zinzer held his breath. What other creature was moving in the dark? Then, with relief, he realised it was Florence wagging her tail. Everything was going to be all right, at least for the next five minutes.
“Moloch?” whimpered a female voice in the darkness. “I’ve been bad.” He crossed the room in rapid strides to where the wolf-woman was crouching, held her in his arms and gave her a doggy treat. They always seemed to make things better. The thumping of Florence’s tail against the floor grew faster and louder.
“I’m so sorry.” she whispered as he pressed her head against his shoulder. “I didn’t mean to become a monster.”
-----------------------*
Florence was a wolf human hybrid created by the Mad Scientist, talented Spark, Dr Dmitri Vapnoople, the last of the vast army that had dominated hundreds of square kilometres until they had finally challenged Baron Klaus Wulfenbach. It had taken 3 years for the Empire at the very height of its power to defeat them. Dr Vapnoople had been recruited by the Baron, for whom he continued to create animal constructs, including Krosp, with mixed success. You can read more about his subsequent career in Lady Heterodyne’s official biography. Normally the Baron recruited the creations of a defeated Spark into the Empire’s army but the wolfmen of Dr Vapnoople had proved so loyal to their creator that they had to be destroyed. Florence had not been captured with the other members of her pack but after a series of improbable adventures had ended up as a minion working for Agatha Heterodyne in Mechanicsburg, where lost souls were always welcomed and monsters commonplace.
Florence was a construct, a wolf with highly modified hips and shoulders that enabled her to walk upright like a human. Her head was distinctly canine, with a muzzle and pointed wolf ears, but she had fine dark brown hair and her face was far more expressive and human than any wolf or dog. Her front paws had been replaced with fur-covered human hands. She walked on her hind legs, but preferred to run on all fours. She was covered in fur, reddish brown over most of her body but white on her chest and abdomen. She invariably wore one piece Arbeitsanzug overalls, modified at the back for her long waggley tail. By Mechanicsburg standards, where far more outlandish constructs pulled delivery carts, Florence hardly qualified as a monster at all. There was one other factor that made Florence instantly accepted in Mechanicsburg; she was an expert, hardworking and conscientious technician and in Mechanicsburg that made her a valued member of society, whatever the colour of her fur. Moloch Von Zinzer, who had more than a passing hand in recruiting her (see Moloch von Zinzer and the Revolting Minions) was surprised to find that she was completely grounded. In fact, apart from himself, she was the sanest minion he had ever met. Once he had got used to the enormous row of sharp pointy teeth, which he later learned was Florence’s attempt at a friendly smile, he found himself spending much of his rare leisure time in her company, taking long walks in the hills and hunting deer. For some reason he had never quite understood, Fraulein Snaug, Sanaa Tryggvasson and Violetta all hated her guts.
-----------------------*
Outside the ruin, Zeetha, worried by the continued silence, was about to mount a rescue, when Agatha and Violetta arrived at the top of the hill. Agatha was carrying her latest death ray.
“Have you run it to ground? Is it in there?” she asked the Skifanderian.
“Yes, I'm pretty sure she’s there. Von Zinzer has just gone in there after her.”
“What! On his own? Has he gone completely mad?”
“Almost certainly. He seemed to think that as it was one of his own people, he had a duty to find out what the problem was rather than just letting me kill her. You do realise he just called himself Head Minion?”
Violetta looked at her with undisguised astonishment. “Seriously? You sure it’s really him?”
Zeetha shrugged. “Whatever the reason why he wants to save that wolf, it’s pretty strong if he forgets himself as much as that. It's too quiet in there and he’s been gone too long. I'm going in.”
“No!” Agatha pushed in front of her. “This is my minion and my responsibility. You all stay here and get ready to back me up. I'm going in.” She pushed a large button on her death ray and various dynamos spun up to speed with an cacophony of ominous rising howls and whines. A powerful floodlight mounted under the barrel snapped on and illuminated the corridor. She strode into the building to face the ravening monster.
“Oi!” Zeetha shouted after her. “There's a queue here!”
“I should drop it.” whispered Violetta. “That's a new death ray. I say we give her 30 seconds to try it out and then go in to help.”
As Agatha strode into the chamber the light from her gun revealed Von Zinzer and Florence standing together on the far side of the room. She shouted at her head minion.
“Von Zinzer. Get out of the way! I’m going to shoot that cow!”
Moloch stood his ground. He pushed Florence behind him, putting himself between the wolf and the death ray, backing them both into a corner of the room.
Agatha looked bemused. “What are you doing you idiot? Get out of the way! Get out of the way so I can get a clear shot!”
“Stay behind me.” he told Florence, hoping she would be obedient. “STAY!”
Puffing out his chest and pulling his shoulders back, he looked the Heterodyne in the eye and addressed her in his best Sergeant’s voice.
“You want Florence?! You’ll have to go through me first. No-one kills my wolf while I am alive!” He pointed to the centre of his chest. “Go on! Aim here!”
Taking his words literally, the aiming mechanism of the gun gave a series of clicks and whirs. Three red targeting spots converged on Moloch and came together in a cluster about three centimetres apart directly over his heart. There was a happy peep-peep sound to indicate a positive lock. As Moloch moved, so the gyros in the gun kept it pointing straight at him.
“Er… There isn’t the least chance that your gun doesn’t shoot straight is there?” he asked Agatha.
“No. none whatsoever. Now get out of my way so I can blow her head off.”
“No, I… I won’t let you. It isn’t fair. You can’t just shoot her like a d.. like a rat in a hole. You’ve got to hear her side of the story.”
As he talked, Agatha was pressing various buttons on her gun to get the targeting mechanism to re-focus on Florence. Each time it happily locked back onto Von Zinzer, the obvious target. It occurred to Moloch that if Agatha had a simple rifle with an aperture sight she could probably have just shot Florence the old fashioned way; there was no way he could be perfectly shielding his wolf. It also occurred to him that one of Agatha’s guns would probably be powerful enough to blast a hole through him and Florence and then take out a chunk of the wall behind them.
Zeetha and Violetta entered the room behind Agatha. Zeetha had both her swords drawn, while Violetta had selected a batna, a huge Spark-enhanced two-handed sword unique to Mechanicsburg, from the pack clank’s weapons stash. Behind them in the entrance Fraulein Snaug reconnected one of the disconnected components and the room was suddenly illuminated by the dim ceiling lights.
Violetta surveyed the scene in amazement. “What on earth? Von Zinzer, what are you doing you idiot? Are you a hostage? Don’t worry, I’ll save you!”
“She isn’t a monster.” Von Zinzer told her desperately. “I’m not getting out of the way.”
“Oh that won’t be necessary,” the Smoke Knight told him casually, leaning against the wall. “She can’t hide behind you all day.”
Something hard pushed against Von Zinzer’s back. Looking over his shoulder he saw Violetta’s batna slowly toppling into the corner of the room behind him. There was a startled ‘Yip’. Turning he saw Florence on the far side of the room in front of him, with Violetta hanging on to her with both hands as they struggled. No matter how many times he saw it, he just had to be impressed by the Smoke Knight’s sleight of hand.
Violetta was having trouble holding Florence. “Now my Lady! What are you waiting for! Shoot her! SHOOT! HER!”.
Agatha aimed her gun at point blank range as the targeting mechanism obediently focussed in on the wolf’s forehead and gave its happy little peep-peep. Florence stopped struggling and crouched down on all fours in a submissive posture, with Violetta on top of her holding firmly on to her hair. Von Zinzer knew he only had seconds to save the wolf's life.
“Wait!” he called desperately “Florence, explain what you have been doing at the Castle yesterday. “Go on, speak!”
Florence looked between Agatha and him uncertainly. “Yesterday? Well... I refuelled all the vrilium cylinders in the Large Victim Medical Lab. I serviced the orgone energy accumulators for the City APNHAD and I filed off a burr on the rotator cuff in one of the legs of a medium duty warehouse clank that I noticed wasn't moving as well as it should have been.”
“Listen, Lady Heterodyne, Agatha.” Von Zinzer was pleading. “Listen to her. Please That is not an insane, ravening monster talking now is it? That is a sane, rational, thinking creature.”
“Sane?” Agatha was incredulous. “She just ripped a Jäger to pieces! Small pieces! With her bare claws and teeth!”
“OK, OK, just hear me out. We not arguing about that. It’s all a question of whether she is a monster or not. If she was an insane, ravening monster, fine, shoot her. But she isn’t. Look at her. She’s a person. A rational being. You can’t just shoot her without at least hearing her side of the story. Not even Baron Wulfenbach would have done that.”
Agatha gave a sharp intake of breath. For a horrible moment Von Zinzer thought he had just gotten them both killed. Before Agatha could pull the trigger, Zeetha laid a calming hand on her arm.
“Zumil, listen. Rather than let me come in and kill it, Moloch insisted on coming in here, unarmed, on his own, to talk to this wolf, even though he was terrified. For that at least he deserves to be heard. This woman, whatever she has done, is not insane and mindless. She should be judged in the daylight, in the open, not just killed in the dark.”
Agatha looked disappointed. “Aw, but I haven’t shot any monsters with my new death ray yet.”
“Don’t worry.” said Zeetha reassured her. “There’s always Fraulein Snaug… Joking. No! I’m joking!”
With reluctance, Agatha powered down the gun. Violetta looked unhappy and kept hold of Florence’s hair. Her other hand held a knife at the wolf’s throat. “It would be safer to just kill it now.”
Agatha looked at the creature crouched before her and suddenly saw not a ravening wolf construct, but a terrified young woman. “No! No, we’ll take her back to Mechanicsburg and hear what she has to say for herself. But she’s going on the lead.”
“That’s not fair!” protested Von Zinzer. “You can’t humiliate her like that!”
“Really, it’s alright.” said Florence. “I’ve been bad and deserve to be punished. It’s not safe for me to be free.”
Von Zinzer was still unhappy. “All right then, but I’m holding the lead.”
“Fine.” Violetta told him. “But just remember I’m holding the knife.”
Agatha looked at the wolf seriously. “No Florence, you aren’t safe. And know this. We will want to know why you did what you did, and if I find that you are a ravening monster I will put you down. Do you understand?”
Florence nodded in submission, her head bowed. She allowed a collar to be fastened around her neck and a stout lead attached, with Moloch Von Zinzer clutching the other end tightly in both hands. They left a happy Fraulein Snaug to pack away all the equipment and follow on the pack clank and then, under the close guard of Violetta, Zeetha and Agatha, one man and his wolf began the long, slow walk back to Mechanicsburg and judgement.
Is Florence really a Ravening Monster? Will Von Zinzer’s heroics be in vain? Why the Hell is he taking such insane risks anyway? Don’t miss the next exciting episode of ‘Agatha Heterodyne and the Ravening Monster’!
Florence is the incarnation in the Girl Genius Universe of Florence Ambrose from the excellent webcomic Freefall. The wolf-human hybrids of Dr Vapnoople are mentioned in an extra scene in the novelisation Agatha H. and the Airship City which does not appear in the webcomic.