Renting movies 101
So I was browsing through customers_suck and it got me thinking. I put up a post there yesterday, was dared to at work by the guys I work with. And reading through some of those entries, have decided to do another update post there.
Dear Dumbasses From Hell,
Since it seems you haven't been able to follow my rules that I posted some time ago, I thought it was time for an update. Refresh your memory on some of the old rules and put up some new ones. Following these rules would make everyone's lives so much simpler. Not to mention we can all keep our sanity.
Lesson #1: For those of you incapable of reading, I strongly recommend getting someone to read this out loud to you. It's very important. And I don't want you to miss anything. Or if you'd prefer to do it yourself, actually make an effort to learn to read. I don't care how. The older you are, the more you should really look into learning how to read. Trust me. It will make your life that much easier.
Lesson #2: Please watch your kids. I am not your babysitter. I don't get paid to babysit. It is not in my job description, whatever you might think. Kids love to make messes. They love to play hide and seek and tag. It's not allowed. We are not a playground. Nor are we the dumpster. It's your responsibility to pick up after your children. Not ours. And don't get mad at me if you lost your kids. Next time quit leaving them unattended while you go into the adult room to get your stupid porn.
Lesson #3: Relates to Lesson #2. If you want to rent porn, leave your kids at home. It's not only disgusting that you bring your 8 kids, none of which are over the age of 10, to rent a bunch of adult movies, but it's pathetic. Do you have any respect at all?
Lesson #4: Staying on the subject of kids, for the love of God, don't let play with any mechanical devices in our store. This means the computers, the ATM machine, the soda machine, the candy machine, etc. This also means do not let them run around the store, running behind the counter, into the cell phone center. Either leave the kids at home, or for God's sake, put them on a leash. You let them act like rabid animals. It shows bad parenting skills on your part if you can't even control your kids in the 10 minutes it takes you to pick out a movie.
Lesson #5: Is it really necessary to bring your entire family when you rent movies? Husband? Wife? Sure. But do you have to bring your extended family too? Are you unable to think of a couple movies at home before coming to get movies? Why do your 10 kids, cousins, friends, aunts, uncles, grandparents, godparents, nieces, nephews, great aunts and uncles, neighbors, brothers, sisters, parents, and in-laws need to come with you? You're only renting movies! Not buying a house! Do you really need to get the opinion of each and every one of them before you pick out one lousy movie?
Lesson #6: Going back to Lesson #5, our store isn't exactly huge. We don't have the room for your entire family to be standing around, playing around, making out, etc. Particularly when you stay in the store for an hour. You don't even let me walk by to put movies out. I can't very well walk on top of the shelves to avoid you people.
Lesson #7: While I'm putting said movies out, I'd greatly appreciate not having a shadow. It's bad enough you hound me about the movies you are looking for. Do you really have to follow me around the store like a lost puppy to see each and every movie I put back out? Aren't you capable of browsing the store yourself to see what you might like than what other people rented?
Lesson #8: When you ask for a specific movie and I tell you that it is checked out right now, that means we don't have it. It does not mean to hound me, and every customer who walks in the door, demanding the movie. How would you like to be harassed the second you walk into a store by a complete stranger, "Hey what do you have in your purse? Can I see?" Grow up. Learn some patience.
Lesson #9: Once again, I am not your friend. I am not related to you, thank God. I have no connection to you other than being the unfortunate person to have to ring you up. Stop treating me otherwise. I don't care if you are getting a vasectomy and will need movies to watch. I don't care that your boyfriend cheated on you. I don't care that your husband is an asshole and left you with 5 kids to be responsible for. I'm not trying to sound mean. But I am not your therapist. Do you go up to random people on the street, "Hey, guess what? I'm getting a vasectomy today, so I need to head over to the video store and rent a ton of movies. Cause you know I won't be able to do anything for awhile. My poor girlfriend will hafta to suffer a few weeks. But then I'll make it up to her. You can guarantee that." So why the hell are you sharing this TMI with me? I don't wanna know that you can't have sex for awhile. I don't wanna know that you gotta rent porn to keep you satisfied while you recover. Can we say Ewwwwwww? I don't even know you.
Lesson #10: Stop asking pointless stupid questions that you feel are good conversation starters. Some examples of pointless stupid questions:
*walks in the door* "Can I get a glass of lemonade?"
*walks in the door* "Where's my ice cream?"
*walks up to the register* "Do you work here?"
Do we look like Dairy Queen or Baskin Robbins? It's a Video Store dumbass. And obviously if I'm standing behind the counter, or straightening a section, where it's very clear what I'm doing, that I work there. Cause ya know, random customers always throw stacks of movies on the floor and like to go through and alphabetize them for the hell of it. They also like to stand behind the counter and pretend they work there. Better be careful when you rent movies. You might be giving your phone number to a fake employee.
Lesson #11: When you are ready to check out, there are 2 things I need. Your phone number, and your name and/or ID. Why? Well I need to put the movies on your account, you see. It's how we keep track of who rented what movies, and when. It's a genius idea don't you think? Whoever thought that up deserves a medal. Let me explain the process.
A normal exchange:
Customer: *walks up to the front*
Me: All set?
Customer: Yup.
Me: What's your phone number?
Customer: *** ****
Me: Thank you, and your name?
Customer: *********
Me: Do you have a picture ID with you?
Customer: *shows ID*
Me: Thank you. *rings up movies and gives customer the price*
Customer: *hands money over*
Me: *gives them change* I just need your signature on the receipt here.
Customer: *signs*
Me: *takes movies to the side counter by the door to hand them to customer and tells them when they are due back* Thank you! Have a good day!
Customer: You too! *takes movies and leaves*
Why is this so hard to follow? I am not a mind-reader. I don't memorize every customer's phone number. Don't expect me to memorize the numbers of thousands of people. And faces to match said numbers. It's an impossible task, for anyone. I'm nothing special. It's not my job to memorize everything. That's why it's so handy to just tell us your number and show us ID.
No, we don't print out a copy of your ID to save for our records. Do you expect us to sift though thousands of copied photos until we find the picture that matches your face, so we know who you are? Just because YOU are tired of showing your ID. Cause you know, no one else in the world requests ID. Who's the DMV? Why should Social Security need ID? Plus, anyone could snatch those copies. Do you really want to risk having a copy of your Driver's License stolen from us? Are you that stupid?
No, I am not out to do a background check on you. I am not accusing you of anything. I just need to match your face to the name on the account. That's it. It can't get simpler than that.
And do you really think that by saying your phone number as fast as possible, that I'll get it right the first time? Don't get pissy with me when you mumble, or talk entirely too fast for me to get the number right. If you don't wanna say it out loud, write the damn thing down. When I tell you nothing comes up with the number you gave me, quit repeating the same number. Your account isn't going to magically appear if I type it in a certain number of times.
Lesson #12: Can I ask why you have 10 different phone numbers? How many phones can one person possibly need? The most I can understand is 3. House, cell, and work. So when I go through each and every phone number you have, and nothing still comes up, why is it my fault you can't remember your own damn numbers? Why is it my fault YOU mixed up your OWN numbers, after yelling at me that I'm typing it wrong. Maybe if you gave me the right number to begin with, we wouldn't be struggling to find your account.
Lesson #13: When I ask for your number, why must you make stupid remarks? Do you honestly think you're the only person clever enough to ask me, "Why, are you gonna call me?" or "You already know it, baby," or "But I gave it to you last time and you still haven't called me" or "Last time I waited and waited for your call and you never called." Oh grow up. These are beyond lame. Especially when you say them EVERY FUCKING TIME you come in the store. Get over it already. Get a new line.
Lesson #14: Just stop with the lines altogether. I am at work. Do you think I wanna be picked up by a sick, old pervert like you? Cause ya know, there's nothing more romantic than that! Every girl's dream. Being hit on while trying to put away adult movies. Or being asked for recommendations.
Lesson #15: Staying on the subject of the adult room, no... I will not tell you every porno we carry. I will not list off all the titles. We have thousands and thousands, first of all. Second, I am not a call girl. I am not at work so you can call me up to listen to me shout out porno titles while you get turned on. If you're that desperate, there are ads all over the tv for that kinda stuff. Go call one of them. Leave me the hell alone.
Lesson #16: No, I don't have recommendations for you. No, I don't watch the pornos. No, I am not curious to. No, I am not lying to you.
Perv: Doesn't it ever make you curious, seeing all these DVDs?
Me: No.
Perv: Oh come on, you know it does.
Me: Nope, I don't care. Just doing my job.
Perv: But you have to be curious. I mean you work here.
Me: Just because I work here, doesn't mean I'm interested in watching porn.
Perv: Oh come on. That's a lie an you know it.
Me: First of all, they all look the same anyway. Second, NO I really Don't care.
Ya know, harassing me like this, while I'm alone in the adult room, stuck with you.... it's called sexual harassment asshole. I don't like it. And I'm fairly certain no one else does either. You're a pervert. You do not turn me on with your sick and disgusting comments.
Lesson #17: We don't give cash refunds. And we need a receipt as proof of purchase when you bring back so-called defective movies. We have it stated on our policy, and our hand-printed receipts, that I personally do myself. Quit demanding your refund, saying it doesn't say anywhere otherwise. Yes it does. Learn to read, dumbass. Threatening to sue isn't gonna help. It only makes you look like a bigger dumbass.
Our policy also states movies are only guaranteed for seven days. Seven. Not ten. Not twenty. Seven. Do the math.
Lesson #18: I don't care if every other worker knows who you are. I don't. I need your ID. You are no more special to me than the five people standing in line behind you.
Lesson #19: When I catch you in a complete lie, at least have the guts to fess up. Instead of calling me the liar. Especially when 10 other people heard our entire exchange and witnessed me catch you in your lie.
Lesson #20: I think you need a refresher on Membership Requirements:
California ID/Driver's License
Credit Card/Utility Bill
This means you must currently be a California resident. And that you must have either a credit card in your name, or a utility bill in your name and which matches the address on your ID. Why? To prove your residency. It's not brain surgery. Why must you make it complicated?
Examples of a utility bill: Water, Edison, Gas
What we can't accept: Insurance bills, parole papers (and yes, I just got that one the other day), pay stubs, cable bill, phone bill, cell phone bill, birth certificates, social security cards, adoption papers, etc.
End of story. You don't have the proper papers/cards, you don't get the membership. You can complain to the owners all you want.
Lesson #21: When you specifically state that you don't want ANYONE else other than YOU to rent on your account, quit sending in your kids to rent for you. You threw such a fit over making sure we fully understood that you didn't wanna allow anyone else to rent on your account, that I'm not going to let your son rent. Quit being a lazy ass and either put your kids on your account, or rent the damn movies yourself.
Lesson #22: You are responsible for whoever you put on your account. We tell you this when you sign up for a membership. So when your son runs about a $40 late fee, yes you ARE in fact responsible for it. And NO we will not wait for your son to come in so HE can pay it off. It's YOUR account. You're the one stupid enough to let him rent on your account. It's not our fault.
Lesson #23: We have this wonderful little invention called *gasp* "The Drop Box." You see, what it does is, there's this slot on the side counter on your right immediately when you walk in the store. In this slot, there's a great big BOX. What you do is, when you rent movies and bring them back, you slide your movies into the slot, so they drop into the great big BOX. This great big BOX is behind the counter, easy access for the employees. From there, we take the movies out of the great big BOX and check them back so other idiots can rent them. Repeat process. Memorize it. Follow it. This doesn't mean to throw your movies on the counter or in the night drop slot on the door, where there's CLEARLY nothing for the movie to land in besides the hard floor. Which I might add doesn't help keep the tape safe when thrown on the floor. It also doesn't mean to stand there like a dumbass and wait for an employee to come up to you to take the movies out of your hands. Do you think these movies will get lost in the Magical "Drop Box?" Is the "Drop Box" monster gonna eat them and make sure you get a late fee for movies not returned in the computer?
I think I covered the major points. But if there's something I forgot, don't worry, I will definitely inform you.
Thank you and Have a nice day!
Dear Dumbasses From Hell,
Since it seems you haven't been able to follow my rules that I posted some time ago, I thought it was time for an update. Refresh your memory on some of the old rules and put up some new ones. Following these rules would make everyone's lives so much simpler. Not to mention we can all keep our sanity.
Lesson #1: For those of you incapable of reading, I strongly recommend getting someone to read this out loud to you. It's very important. And I don't want you to miss anything. Or if you'd prefer to do it yourself, actually make an effort to learn to read. I don't care how. The older you are, the more you should really look into learning how to read. Trust me. It will make your life that much easier.
Lesson #2: Please watch your kids. I am not your babysitter. I don't get paid to babysit. It is not in my job description, whatever you might think. Kids love to make messes. They love to play hide and seek and tag. It's not allowed. We are not a playground. Nor are we the dumpster. It's your responsibility to pick up after your children. Not ours. And don't get mad at me if you lost your kids. Next time quit leaving them unattended while you go into the adult room to get your stupid porn.
Lesson #3: Relates to Lesson #2. If you want to rent porn, leave your kids at home. It's not only disgusting that you bring your 8 kids, none of which are over the age of 10, to rent a bunch of adult movies, but it's pathetic. Do you have any respect at all?
Lesson #4: Staying on the subject of kids, for the love of God, don't let play with any mechanical devices in our store. This means the computers, the ATM machine, the soda machine, the candy machine, etc. This also means do not let them run around the store, running behind the counter, into the cell phone center. Either leave the kids at home, or for God's sake, put them on a leash. You let them act like rabid animals. It shows bad parenting skills on your part if you can't even control your kids in the 10 minutes it takes you to pick out a movie.
Lesson #5: Is it really necessary to bring your entire family when you rent movies? Husband? Wife? Sure. But do you have to bring your extended family too? Are you unable to think of a couple movies at home before coming to get movies? Why do your 10 kids, cousins, friends, aunts, uncles, grandparents, godparents, nieces, nephews, great aunts and uncles, neighbors, brothers, sisters, parents, and in-laws need to come with you? You're only renting movies! Not buying a house! Do you really need to get the opinion of each and every one of them before you pick out one lousy movie?
Lesson #6: Going back to Lesson #5, our store isn't exactly huge. We don't have the room for your entire family to be standing around, playing around, making out, etc. Particularly when you stay in the store for an hour. You don't even let me walk by to put movies out. I can't very well walk on top of the shelves to avoid you people.
Lesson #7: While I'm putting said movies out, I'd greatly appreciate not having a shadow. It's bad enough you hound me about the movies you are looking for. Do you really have to follow me around the store like a lost puppy to see each and every movie I put back out? Aren't you capable of browsing the store yourself to see what you might like than what other people rented?
Lesson #8: When you ask for a specific movie and I tell you that it is checked out right now, that means we don't have it. It does not mean to hound me, and every customer who walks in the door, demanding the movie. How would you like to be harassed the second you walk into a store by a complete stranger, "Hey what do you have in your purse? Can I see?" Grow up. Learn some patience.
Lesson #9: Once again, I am not your friend. I am not related to you, thank God. I have no connection to you other than being the unfortunate person to have to ring you up. Stop treating me otherwise. I don't care if you are getting a vasectomy and will need movies to watch. I don't care that your boyfriend cheated on you. I don't care that your husband is an asshole and left you with 5 kids to be responsible for. I'm not trying to sound mean. But I am not your therapist. Do you go up to random people on the street, "Hey, guess what? I'm getting a vasectomy today, so I need to head over to the video store and rent a ton of movies. Cause you know I won't be able to do anything for awhile. My poor girlfriend will hafta to suffer a few weeks. But then I'll make it up to her. You can guarantee that." So why the hell are you sharing this TMI with me? I don't wanna know that you can't have sex for awhile. I don't wanna know that you gotta rent porn to keep you satisfied while you recover. Can we say Ewwwwwww? I don't even know you.
Lesson #10: Stop asking pointless stupid questions that you feel are good conversation starters. Some examples of pointless stupid questions:
*walks in the door* "Can I get a glass of lemonade?"
*walks in the door* "Where's my ice cream?"
*walks up to the register* "Do you work here?"
Do we look like Dairy Queen or Baskin Robbins? It's a Video Store dumbass. And obviously if I'm standing behind the counter, or straightening a section, where it's very clear what I'm doing, that I work there. Cause ya know, random customers always throw stacks of movies on the floor and like to go through and alphabetize them for the hell of it. They also like to stand behind the counter and pretend they work there. Better be careful when you rent movies. You might be giving your phone number to a fake employee.
Lesson #11: When you are ready to check out, there are 2 things I need. Your phone number, and your name and/or ID. Why? Well I need to put the movies on your account, you see. It's how we keep track of who rented what movies, and when. It's a genius idea don't you think? Whoever thought that up deserves a medal. Let me explain the process.
A normal exchange:
Customer: *walks up to the front*
Me: All set?
Customer: Yup.
Me: What's your phone number?
Customer: *** ****
Me: Thank you, and your name?
Customer: *********
Me: Do you have a picture ID with you?
Customer: *shows ID*
Me: Thank you. *rings up movies and gives customer the price*
Customer: *hands money over*
Me: *gives them change* I just need your signature on the receipt here.
Customer: *signs*
Me: *takes movies to the side counter by the door to hand them to customer and tells them when they are due back* Thank you! Have a good day!
Customer: You too! *takes movies and leaves*
Why is this so hard to follow? I am not a mind-reader. I don't memorize every customer's phone number. Don't expect me to memorize the numbers of thousands of people. And faces to match said numbers. It's an impossible task, for anyone. I'm nothing special. It's not my job to memorize everything. That's why it's so handy to just tell us your number and show us ID.
No, we don't print out a copy of your ID to save for our records. Do you expect us to sift though thousands of copied photos until we find the picture that matches your face, so we know who you are? Just because YOU are tired of showing your ID. Cause you know, no one else in the world requests ID. Who's the DMV? Why should Social Security need ID? Plus, anyone could snatch those copies. Do you really want to risk having a copy of your Driver's License stolen from us? Are you that stupid?
No, I am not out to do a background check on you. I am not accusing you of anything. I just need to match your face to the name on the account. That's it. It can't get simpler than that.
And do you really think that by saying your phone number as fast as possible, that I'll get it right the first time? Don't get pissy with me when you mumble, or talk entirely too fast for me to get the number right. If you don't wanna say it out loud, write the damn thing down. When I tell you nothing comes up with the number you gave me, quit repeating the same number. Your account isn't going to magically appear if I type it in a certain number of times.
Lesson #12: Can I ask why you have 10 different phone numbers? How many phones can one person possibly need? The most I can understand is 3. House, cell, and work. So when I go through each and every phone number you have, and nothing still comes up, why is it my fault you can't remember your own damn numbers? Why is it my fault YOU mixed up your OWN numbers, after yelling at me that I'm typing it wrong. Maybe if you gave me the right number to begin with, we wouldn't be struggling to find your account.
Lesson #13: When I ask for your number, why must you make stupid remarks? Do you honestly think you're the only person clever enough to ask me, "Why, are you gonna call me?" or "You already know it, baby," or "But I gave it to you last time and you still haven't called me" or "Last time I waited and waited for your call and you never called." Oh grow up. These are beyond lame. Especially when you say them EVERY FUCKING TIME you come in the store. Get over it already. Get a new line.
Lesson #14: Just stop with the lines altogether. I am at work. Do you think I wanna be picked up by a sick, old pervert like you? Cause ya know, there's nothing more romantic than that! Every girl's dream. Being hit on while trying to put away adult movies. Or being asked for recommendations.
Lesson #15: Staying on the subject of the adult room, no... I will not tell you every porno we carry. I will not list off all the titles. We have thousands and thousands, first of all. Second, I am not a call girl. I am not at work so you can call me up to listen to me shout out porno titles while you get turned on. If you're that desperate, there are ads all over the tv for that kinda stuff. Go call one of them. Leave me the hell alone.
Lesson #16: No, I don't have recommendations for you. No, I don't watch the pornos. No, I am not curious to. No, I am not lying to you.
Perv: Doesn't it ever make you curious, seeing all these DVDs?
Me: No.
Perv: Oh come on, you know it does.
Me: Nope, I don't care. Just doing my job.
Perv: But you have to be curious. I mean you work here.
Me: Just because I work here, doesn't mean I'm interested in watching porn.
Perv: Oh come on. That's a lie an you know it.
Me: First of all, they all look the same anyway. Second, NO I really Don't care.
Ya know, harassing me like this, while I'm alone in the adult room, stuck with you.... it's called sexual harassment asshole. I don't like it. And I'm fairly certain no one else does either. You're a pervert. You do not turn me on with your sick and disgusting comments.
Lesson #17: We don't give cash refunds. And we need a receipt as proof of purchase when you bring back so-called defective movies. We have it stated on our policy, and our hand-printed receipts, that I personally do myself. Quit demanding your refund, saying it doesn't say anywhere otherwise. Yes it does. Learn to read, dumbass. Threatening to sue isn't gonna help. It only makes you look like a bigger dumbass.
Our policy also states movies are only guaranteed for seven days. Seven. Not ten. Not twenty. Seven. Do the math.
Lesson #18: I don't care if every other worker knows who you are. I don't. I need your ID. You are no more special to me than the five people standing in line behind you.
Lesson #19: When I catch you in a complete lie, at least have the guts to fess up. Instead of calling me the liar. Especially when 10 other people heard our entire exchange and witnessed me catch you in your lie.
Lesson #20: I think you need a refresher on Membership Requirements:
California ID/Driver's License
Credit Card/Utility Bill
This means you must currently be a California resident. And that you must have either a credit card in your name, or a utility bill in your name and which matches the address on your ID. Why? To prove your residency. It's not brain surgery. Why must you make it complicated?
Examples of a utility bill: Water, Edison, Gas
What we can't accept: Insurance bills, parole papers (and yes, I just got that one the other day), pay stubs, cable bill, phone bill, cell phone bill, birth certificates, social security cards, adoption papers, etc.
End of story. You don't have the proper papers/cards, you don't get the membership. You can complain to the owners all you want.
Lesson #21: When you specifically state that you don't want ANYONE else other than YOU to rent on your account, quit sending in your kids to rent for you. You threw such a fit over making sure we fully understood that you didn't wanna allow anyone else to rent on your account, that I'm not going to let your son rent. Quit being a lazy ass and either put your kids on your account, or rent the damn movies yourself.
Lesson #22: You are responsible for whoever you put on your account. We tell you this when you sign up for a membership. So when your son runs about a $40 late fee, yes you ARE in fact responsible for it. And NO we will not wait for your son to come in so HE can pay it off. It's YOUR account. You're the one stupid enough to let him rent on your account. It's not our fault.
Lesson #23: We have this wonderful little invention called *gasp* "The Drop Box." You see, what it does is, there's this slot on the side counter on your right immediately when you walk in the store. In this slot, there's a great big BOX. What you do is, when you rent movies and bring them back, you slide your movies into the slot, so they drop into the great big BOX. This great big BOX is behind the counter, easy access for the employees. From there, we take the movies out of the great big BOX and check them back so other idiots can rent them. Repeat process. Memorize it. Follow it. This doesn't mean to throw your movies on the counter or in the night drop slot on the door, where there's CLEARLY nothing for the movie to land in besides the hard floor. Which I might add doesn't help keep the tape safe when thrown on the floor. It also doesn't mean to stand there like a dumbass and wait for an employee to come up to you to take the movies out of your hands. Do you think these movies will get lost in the Magical "Drop Box?" Is the "Drop Box" monster gonna eat them and make sure you get a late fee for movies not returned in the computer?
I think I covered the major points. But if there's something I forgot, don't worry, I will definitely inform you.
Thank you and Have a nice day!