[fic] this must be the place (kanda/lavi)
Title: This Must Be The Place
Pairing: Kanda/Lavi, Bookman
Rating: NC-17 for language, sex, crack, and derogation
Disclaimer: DGM belongs to Hoshino Katsura et al
A/N: High School AU Flashback!; the one where Lavi and Kanda have le sex (together) and it is quite le rough ride (together).
&
For this sex bit, Kanda is inexplicably agreeable, make no mistake. Possibly a hint of amenable, if you squint very squinty-like. It has been years since, well, not doing it, ever, and he would like to know how, now, maybe. But pardon him for being just a tad hesitant about Giving It Up to some nomad Russian who has probably been around the world a few too many times, if you get his drift, and yes, it is irrefutable judging by the way Lavi swaggers all the bloody time.
Lavi is currently stacking books in the corner of his room - up on a spindly table - for the purpose of stacking them; Kanda is not sure, and he can't be too bothered to care. Especially in that order.
"Why the hell?" Kanda asks, because he obviously does not care.
"I'd be cursed if these babies should ever touch the floor. Under my watch, anyhow."
"Curses," Kanda says as if to end an argument. He lounges on Lavi's bed. Mooooe. Er, moetherfucker?
"Yeah, like how you hang onto your v-card like gold," Lavi snivels, sizing up all angles of the pile. Stack. Tower of Babel. "Gotta catch 'em aaallll . . . " he sings to himself.
Kanda has three-fourths a mind to chuck this swimwear(?!) catalog at that Babel Babbling Thingy. "That's because it is gold," Kanda says loftily, to play hard-to-get. Yes, he's heard about this hard-to-get rubbish. It's very hard to play it, but he thinks he's doing extraordinarily well for one who's never done the dirty deed before. "Actually, I've changed my mind. I want to do it." See? Woefully hard-to-get. Like top achiever in Savate.
He rolls over to watch Lavi's reaction, which is comprised of such splendor and, can it be, on-the-spotness? Because Lavi is looking too much like he's that notorious deer before the huge-ass articulated lorry. And his hand, his hands are telling. "Errr," he says.
Kanda blinks at him, scowling. "I meant sex. Do you want to do this sex pot thing with me or not."
"Errr," he says.
Kanda nearly drops his jaw. Slightly. "You have got to be joking." After all that jerking around and - ?
"Rah - raganuga bhackti?"
Kanda wonders if he should be astounded by the words that always seem to dribble out of Lavi's mouth as astounding dribble tends to do. He doesn't even need to say it.
"Er, I mean, Gilgamesh? Hahahaha!" Lavi grows stone-bodied.
Kanda grows in languor; he already thinks he's had enough, and yet the morning just keeps on giving it to him. Like a really bad slot machine - as Walker has said.
Ag the Fuck! What the aggers is Walker doing, making an example of this? This act of humiliation slash freedom. What in Angry Mob Hell does Gilgamesh have to do with anything, anyway??????
"The hell," Kanda says, sitting up.
Lavi licks his finger and sticks it up in the air (recovering from a fit of insanity?). He gets on his toes, raggedy vest riding up his stomach. (Kanda hisses in.) "Is virtue a thing remote? I wish to be virtuous, and lo! Virtue is at hand."
"If you tell me that Gilgamesh said this, I will box your head in."
"No sirree."
"Yes I would. Good."
"You should know, Confucius said it." Lavi pets the stack as if to virtually pet - Kanda.
Uh, yes, right, well, Kanda knew that. "Did you know rabbits can get heatstroke?" This stops Lavi in his tracks, or rather, his embezzlement of virtue. Because Lavi has no grasp on virtue, here nor there. Right. Moving on now to more important topics.
"Yeah, that is so pablum," Lavi snips.
Kanda snaps. "You're pablum!"
"No, you!"
"No you!"
"What about me?!"
"That is the problem! You're not doing anything with the sex!" My privates need a bit of airing like the cupboard now and then, don't you know you useless arrrrse???
Which is just the, er, sorry seedling, that.
*
Kanda's words have the right effect, but the worst regret. Lavi has glued himself to Kanda's legs, kissing his knees and the like. Like the backs of them. Who kisses the backs of knees, you better tell Kanda or else so he may inform Lenalee that Lavi is officially a Weirdo and that she should stay as far away from him as possible, possibly in the Congo. Or Antarctica. Lavi in Antarctica, not Lenalee.
But then again, telling Lenalee this would be like admitting to Dark Matters With Lavi. And he already knows that's never amounted to anything decent.
"Gotten over yourself?" Kanda grumbles, curling his lip at the feel of Lavi's fringe against the hair of his calves.
"Hey, didja know?" Kissu. "You're making me a lil' nervous. Wreck, yeah." Kissu kiss.
Kanda chews on his lip. Okay, he'll throw him a bone. With a kindly hook in it for good measure. "Tell me why."
"'Cause, I can never tell with you." Lavi raises his eyes to him, and (ping!) something inside Kanda really does go ping! Perhaps not in a very good way. Perhaps in a wonky modern way.
"Y-you're like a barnacle?" Kanda says suddenly, forgetting to rephrase it into a statement. He doesn't mean to stutter either, but somehow, if Lavi is nervous, it has become quite the contagion. He will have to kill Lavi for it later. Still. He cannot take it back. "Barnacle," he repeats lamely, balling his fists.
"Barnacle?" The kisses have stopped. "Hey." The kisses start up again, winding up Kanda's trousershorts in a rather ravenous pattern. "Didja know? Barnacles have huuuge peen."
"No."
"What d'ya mean no? You can't stand the thought of me havin' a huge peen?"
"No." No, this is not what Kanda means to saaayyy. Except, maybe, partly, it is. Feelings are ridiculous, are they not? But so is Lavi's newest pick-up line.
"Even if it was six meters long?" he says hopefully.
"Yes."
"Which is yes?"
"No." He means NO, please don't stick it in him if it's six bloody meters long! Plus, er, what else? Hmm. (Lavi, stop that tickling. You will get nowhere with - ah! Ahahahaha stooopuh that is pure tortuuuure oh god kill Kanda now why don't you, you big peen - !) Hmmm. Oh yes, that's right. The barnacles. Those are a bit pointless, even to illustrate a point.
"Barnacle," Kanda calls him, and Lavi seems to appreciate this (non)endearment to the fullest extent. Ag.
*
The touch of belly flesh to bare foot gets Kanda on the fast track. "Are you sure."
"Positive!"
"So you are telling me that you're positive. And sure."
"Positivo sugar o's. Now let's get down and dirrrty, my - "
Kanda nudges his foot up against Lavi's bare sternum. "How sure? Can you provide me with the test results that say you are one hundred percent positive, but be sure that the tests read one hundred percent negative?" He is quite sure that is how this works, this sex-that-is-not-your-business. This is practically a sex workshop, with all the work that it takes to just get it started.
"Yuu! Have you checked my dick lately?! Didja see any flesh-eating STDs!"
*
"No lies?" Kanda says, glaring into Lavi's wide-eyed gaze.
"I really don't wanna use a prophylactic," Lavi moans, raising his eyebrows up and down, eyes still big. Kanda almost laughs. (Inwardly.)
"The more reason to use one. Who knows where you've dipped your pen."
"Ack my poor balls! One minute you're all take me bad boy with your massive knobster and then you're like bah humbug your massive knob is rife with lies, begone humbug bah!"
"Lavi."
"Hell, it wreaks havoc on the boys, ya know! All I ever obsess about is doing you deep into my bedspread! All I ever dream about is sucking those bones!" He pauses. "Take that as I would. All I want is your ass, Yuu, your loverly ass. Hey, let me touch it. Okay, that's it, I am a man! There's gotta be a way for us to do it without jacking up your wrong but reasonable reservations about meee - "
Oh he can see what he did thar. Color Kanda impressed. "Lavi." Lavi gives out a long breath, trembling hand to chest. "You have no bedspread." Kanda attacks his lips with the fiercest ferocity he's never known before. That they've both never known before, hopefully. He even trails his hand down to pinch Lavi's . . . jeans.
*
Good times . . .
*
That is all for naught. It is all for naught, and Kanda cannot believe the perfect timing.
Lavi seems to be in a spot of bother with his, er, weapon. As per his words.
Kanda's flippant words are, and you can quote him on it: "Asshat." All right, one word. But it screams necessity.
Of course he doesn't mean it. Of course he actually means, why you wet gormless willy with extra worm! How dare I turn you off! How dare you turn me on while I turn you off humph!
He doesn't know why he's being so accommodating really. It's not fair of him. To himself. What's the point of all this restraint anyway? Can't they just, like, well. Something? You have to admit, this is so not funny.
Lavi is all, "Wow. My dick . . . is being very. Very lame here." He's look at it.
"Very," Kanda adds. "Lame." He's looking at it, too.
"Very lame. So vair vair lame."
"The epitome of all that is lame."
"I am the dregs of society. All may throw stones at my soft bod - hold on, Yuu. This wouldn't've happened if you'd just let me in without all that rubbish about - "
Kanda is giving him quite the daring look. Kanda is also buttoning up his trousers, fingers prim and posh for rejection.
Lavi rushes against Kanda. He blinks all widely again at him, which puts the Fucking Fear into every cell in Kanda's tightly toned body. And yet his cells purr at the smallest brush of Lavi-wisdom, like so:
"You can do me . . . "
Purr purr. "No." Purr purr.
"You can do it yourself, y'know."
Ah hahahahaha purrrrr - "No, no." Ahem.
"Yes, yes."
"I said no." Purr means NO, get that through your thick cranium!
"Yuuuuu."
"Lavi, I am not ramming my - sticking my - doing anything with my dick up your ass." It's just not right. Right?
"C'mon, you'd be good at it! Think of the thrrrusting! For the sake of the thrusting, eh?"
"No. No way in frozen hell or twice frozen over." Yeah. "No way is my dick. Going in your ass. Just no." Right.
"Oho?" Oho right. "Well. It's gone in my mouth, nearly up my nostril, yeah." Right. What. DON'T SAY THAT YOU - ! YOU - !
Well! Er. That is, er. No, and it felt bloody brill - "If that's the way you feel about it." He leans over quickly to flick Lavi's nose quite meanly. "No." Then he shuffles off the bed to make a mad dash for the door.
*
Apparently a dash, even mad, is never enough, seeing as how Lavi is clinging to Kanda's trousershorts, which have, mysteriously, slid off, down toward Kanda's knees. Which is a bit off-putting, since. Kanda is not wearing any underwear. Again. (Damn his father must have been right. Always wear underwear, always. You think Kanda would have learned this by now, especially after that incident in prime when those sadistic idiots had harassed him as if he'd been some knickerless girl. Which he had been. But without the girl parts, etcetera. Oh bugger fuck an egg.)
"I am just a young lad! But my brain is old and grey!" Lavi is gasping, clinging quite redundantly and adding licks here and there. Annoyingly soft kisses, too. "Forgive my audacious bodacity! I can't live without your olden wisdomonic ways, prithee!"
"What is that supposed to mean," Kanda says, trying to shake him off. Nothing for it; Lavi has clamped his knees together. This presents loads of technical confusion.
"I forgot to do my schoolwork! Baie belangrik! My brain can no longer sort priorities properly! Do you hate me, tell the truth."
"Of course I hate you." Your dick is mine; leave it out of this sex business. "You are only but a nuisance and a wart. Why are you speaking gibberish again? Stop that. You obviously have too many thoughts. It's obviously clouding your otherwise crappy judgment."
"Oh Great Buddha, I - !" Lavi gets quiet, glancing up at Kanda's flacidness. He makes a weird face and Kanda can feel it getting, somewhat, confused. His dick, that is, not himself. He himself is very unconfused. He himself has not many thoughts aside from unhand me, gimp dick and do I really turn you off? Thoughts that count, anyway. "Yuu, do I make you hard?"
It all comes out so bitterly, as is customary. "Do I make you hard? No, I suppose not. Get off."
"Well it was working yesterday."
"How would you know that? Were you getting off with some twat? Garish Gretchen, was it?"
"It's Gorgey Gretchen. Ya know she's got green eyes like mine? I should call her - "
Kanda gives him a very dark look, in a very dark way. Lavi gulps. "A-and whatsit, what d'ya mean? I was fornicatin' myself, o' course."
"Of course you were." But Kanda, nevertheless, is horribly relieved. But then! He thinks, all right, so, Lavi's brain is fine with autoeroticism, but not so much with company. Hmmm. (What do you mean without my company????!!!!!!)
Fuck it all! Fuck tout! Wretched Self-Loathing Thoughts! Doubt doubt doubting machinist! Kanda should spit on you for this turn around, and Rejection Of All That Is Very Shitty In The Rejection Arena! God his life is godless and made of mere fishheads. (He tries to tell himself that this is all very ridiculous and having nothing to do with his special bits. He may be s-scared, maybe. You know, he doesn't want to fuck it up. The sex. He doesn't want to be in charge of the thrrrusting because, first of all, they are not in Scotland, and second, er. They are very far from Scotland.)
Oh Good, Great Performance Anxiety Goes Both Ways.
"See here," Kanda starts, but Lavi slips away from him in a bombastic heap and he is free to charge out of the room.
*
So Lavi disapproves of Kanda's lack of sex-drive, is it? That is what it's called, isn't it? This drive de sex? Though Kanda wonders why the drive should have a sex when it is not in a passenger seat. Or a backseat. Bench. Couldn't you, in theory, do it on a bench?
In a park??? (With WILDLIFE.)
Cough - that would have to be arranged sometime - cough. In a parallel universe. Distant reality. This reality, mind. And sooner than what's conceivable.
Kanda sucks on a skinned cucumber. This is almost like practice. This is almost like Lavi's cucumber. Dick. Thing.
Perhaps Lavi just lacks the spirit? For the sex, of course. No, not of course! Of course not! Why should he lack the spirit for Kanda's sex?! That is an outrage! How dare he lack the spirit for Kanda's asshole! God, why is his life so shocking? Why can't he have it both ways? Sex, and sex in the back of a car? Possibly the boot.
Imagine that.
Not.
*
Yessssss (secretly imagining this so very secretkeepery) - munchmunchmunch.
*
Lavi has walked in nonchalantly as if he didn't just reject Kanda outright. He stands there, for some reason wrapped in a scarf down below. It is a catastrophe, this psychedelic scarf wrapped against his bits. It is one grand mindfuck. It could give his kendo sensei a headrush.
"Eureka!" Lavi shouts, pointing at Kanda and Kanda's hand.
What? Whaaat? Kanda stops sucking again and takes another bite. He squeezes his (clothed) thighs together. He slurps up errant water. Lavi cringes, brightens, and shrieks EUREKA again.
Dindindindiiing. Oh. Kanda can see it now. "Did you want to stick this up your ass? You can have the rest of it."
*
Buttons are undone again. This sex business is endless, isn't it? Erections are shifty things, aren't they? They get ripped off. The buttons, that is. Lavi will have to owe him a new pair. Of trousers, not buttons. Flurried kisses and bruising kisses.
So hey, furthermore, that one button pin thing that says SEX HAPPENS wouldn't be so bad. Pinned to Kanda's rucksack. Yes, he will have to tell Lavi to find him one. Then buy him one. Then give him one.
Wait! Kanda must exercise some restraint here! "No," he says, "you lost your chance. I'm not fucking on no floor." Imagine the contusions? Cheers to self-control!
So Lavi says, "I said the counter, the counter, Yuu! You know you want it."
Oh, like this should change a damned thing. "Hmmm - no." No?! He means yesssss oh god this is his life, isn't it? Kanda has made his name into a tart trend. With rhubarb in a French accent.
They stare at each other as Kanda mulls over this for extras. Lavi mulls over this as well. "Ace," Lavi says calmly. Not. "Just ace. I spend all my time - just a fraction of a lot of time - gettin' it up for you and you can't pause to pleasure your very caring and delectably sharing boytoy. I understand. I have only my selfless hands to blame in all of this, reckon they are dual threats to your loving nature. Forgive 'em."
Yeah, sure, aside from that, Kanda also doesn't mean to be human. "You should know mine's already gone down and now I'm hungry for real. So shut your gob and tuck that thing away." (Ah hungry for primal urge de carnage, mostly. Completely. Vroom vroom sex-drive?)
*
After a brilliant munch fest, and feast, they are rearing(!) to go whilst resisting the Let's Tear Things Off While We're At It Urge. Instead they Tear Things Away in the Progressive Stage. Think: shucking corn on stage left.
Noooo, don't think thaaaat. Now that's a mental image. A very sick one at that. But true, someone is creating a lot of friction down there, hot and -
Until Mister Bookman walks in. Unannounced. Just as Kanda is snaking his hand toward Lavi's aslfkadskjdsaj.
*
How can he just walk in unannounced?! Answer him (them) that!!!!!! No matter, that is quite unacceptable behavior, Mister Bookman Sir! And so forth. But Kanda dare not mention this little harangue. (Doesheknowdoesheknow? Well crap.)
They are able to part just in the nick of time, somewhat, Lavi crashing into the island. Thank god for Lavi getting dressed, for once. Sort of. Ish.
Bookman clears his throat as if to prove he's seen it all, slams down a stack of gibberish papers in a cardboard box, and says, "Lìzhèng! What are you teenage rebels up to now? God's green sod, you two are the sorriest pieces of humankind I ever did see in my many years. Don't you know you're supposed to deep-fry the sausages? Gah, jiào jǐngchá . . . " And the rest goes down in history snore.
"Er," Lavi says. Perhaps it's because of Bookman's evil (black?) eyes.
"How is it, Kanda Yuu?" Bookman says abruptly, expression either softening due to Kanda or due to Kanda's show of skin along his shoulder(s) and more.
It's Kanda's turn to errrr. He swallows in order keep himself from spluttering, we could have had the sex on the floor and you irrevocably fucked it up for us, mean old panda bat!
That is also an image. Bad timing for a conjured image. Kanda can't feel his dick anymore, which is probably due to the fact it has gone down to hang out with hanging-down balls. Ag.
Bookman eyes them, meaner than a beetle. "Bother showing us how to cook them, sir?" Kanda suggests, though he doesn't know why or why even Lavi should give him an uncharacteristic peaky worm look.
No, wait, Kanda has seen that look before. During non-snogging sessions.
*
Lavi thinks he may have lost his chance for getting any of the sex?
Aaaaah hahahaha. What a stupid wanker with his hair all mussed up like that.
Kanda will have to tell him to stop being sort of nice-looking, fucking A.
*
After the mean old bat instructs them in the ways of Doing Things Right (riiiight - oooh, another blowhard in the queue), Lavi suggests you-know-what with his eyes. Suggests what, Kanda is not privy. Or keen. What in blower's hell is that blower going on about now? Blah blah blah.
Ssshhhshhh, Lavi says.
Kanda goes on cutting his peas. Yes, his peas, because Lavi won't stop nicking his carrots. Bloody criminal, he is.
SssYuuuinnnugh?
"Lavi, I can't make out your cryptologic. Spell it out," Kanda says boomingly.
Lavi frowns like a fish, if fish can frown. "I said, are. You. In? For a game of basket?"
"With a ball?"
"Yeah, if ya want balls." Snorty snort yeah let's make our sprouting friendship so obvious snort.
They share a horny-ornery look. Bookman audibly swallows his last chewy bite and sheds his utensils in the sink. "You clowns need to find new hobbies. Many new ones. Try cleaning for a change." Then he is off again to the void of old school wit also known as Out The Door. "I better not catch you getting up to mischief in another pub, Lavi. You have a head, don't you? Don't tell me you don't or I will put it in a sling, smart-mouth."
Kanda's HERO closes the door behind him, messenger bag slung over his shoulder as they catch the last glimpse of him.
Kanda is wondering if he should put this behind him, so to speak.
*
Definitely not behind his poor understanding!
"What mischief?" Kanda tries, hot on Lavi's heels outside. They are thinking they've exhausted their stay in Lavi's flat for a time. Making imprints in the floor was probably not a good idea as it was.
"Ah, it was a while back, no biggie. Hehe."
"You are nothing but a dick and a loser," Kanda hisses.
Lavi seems to skip at this, hand going down to the side to wave Kanda forward with him.
"Where're we going?" Kanda continues. "If you want to fuck on a court, then I object to that."
"That is wherefore we won't!"
"The fuck? I mean - fuck?" Fuckingtastic.
Lavi goes on laughing and laughing very impishly, for that matter. "The superficiality of your mind, Yuu, I gotta have you."
Right. "So it's something worse? Like a - no, I refuse the public toilets! And a pub. I am not doing the sex anywhere near those guzzling beernecks in their unsightly - "
"So you're thinkin' about my fifty-meter peen now, are ya?"
"It's fifty meters now????!!!!!!" The force of Kanda's incredulity heaves a few passersby down like cardboard, no, feather walls.
Lavi merely gives him a look that sings fancy a bit of a walk tomorrow? Yeah? Well, ya won't be doing any o' that, now will you?
Which puts the Fearsome Fucking Fear totally and irreverently into Kanda's spleen. And more. His balls, of course, how they're bouncing merrily along against the tide of sexual revolution!
They're rounding a corner and taking a few more streets before Kanda has the courage to say, "If you're taking me to one of those drive-in hotels, I will kill you dead within the next two seconds, so help me plod."
*
"We're gonna do it in an inn. You'll like it."
*
"WHAT DO YOU BLOODY MEAN I WILL LIKE IT."
*
"Ah well you'll luuurve it then. Come come, jolly good 'n peaches! Yummy yum 'n snackaroos! Uh, I mean it, Kanda, come on, you're supposed to be happy with this. What I'd do now? Is my shirt on backward? Did I wear bunny hood again?"
*
"Lavi, remind me why I put up with you." No, don't, never mind. It's just too sad.
"The very same reason I put up with you. The promise of sex, natch."
*
The inn is quite far from Lavi's place in the end, or near the end, or whatever. Kanda is not exactly sure if he should throw the body of his already-ex in, as they say about the bloody towel. Anyway. The inn's front entrance looms before them, equipped with the equipment for rough and tumbling quips. You know, what commoners refer to as acquiescing to the inevitable, i.e. terrorizing sexual exploits. Wait, no, terrible would be the word, sorry. Kanda is just so full of glib and let glib at the moment, he really doesn't know left from right, or where the entrance truly is on this mortal coil.
"Waih waih waih - Kanda, where're ya goiiin'?" Lavi whines, lynching him by the elbow at the last second. Kanda nearly whiplashes onto his back, i.e. he does. "You scared or somethin'?" Lavi says (looking down on him).
Kanda grumbles and gets up, dusting himself off and sending a cornucopia of death daggers at Lavi. Does he really think he's going to be shoving his dick into Kanda's asshole? Or, uh, vice versa? Though if it be the latter, Kanda will surely lose his noodles then. Thinking about it so profusely is giving him the sweats, honestly.
Lavi has noticed. He grins. Kanda busies himself with his hair. That is already put up. Well crap.
"You're bein' a schoolgirl about this," Lavi says. (Eeeeeehhhhh???!!!!!) "I'll make this easier on us both. Look, see this coin? I will flip it, and that'll be - "
"No."
"What no? Rather we flip it in the lav? Haha, lav."
That is so funny that Kanda should call his toilet The Lavi from now on. Hahaha no. "Yes. No. Uh. I don't need to flip a damned coin to decide my future."
"Your future, Yuu?"
Errr, so not what Kanda had meant to say much??? His eff ay tee ee, obviously. Well crap AGAIN. Why must all new (good?) things come in such crap packages?! (Even though Kanda has seen Lavi's package, more or less, and touched it, more or less, he's never had it, er, touching his, or anything, like that. You know. This is all very hostile territory for poor Kanda. As dubious as Dubai, where he's only been once as a kid. He feels like Alice in that crap story about that crap rabbit (i.e. Lavi in the flesh), which is not completely enlightening, or any useful. Not when Lavi is looking at him all expectant with horns coming out at all odd places.
As if Kanda has done this before . . . Bah. Which he hasn't, OBVIOUSLY. You know, done It. (Why doesn't anyone EVER listen to him? Also, he thinks he's cramping a bit. Are erectile cramps possible?)
"Yuu, are those your temples, and are they sweating?"
"No! Onward!" Which is another thing that's just come popping out of Kanda's mouth with abandon. He may have to get his mouth its own zipcode. He'd place that zipcode in Taiwan, by the way. For (pride) safety reasons.
O beating heart, shut the fuck up.
"Some hot body's a fraidey-cat," Lavi sings, pulling Kanda into the unsuspecting inn by the fingertips. Yes, the fingertips.
"Not a frai - NOT SCARED OF ANYTHING, ASSHOLE," Kanda says (quietly), and making a sturdy point of practically tearing off Lavi's hand to drag him into the inn himself. That is right; he is taking the ass by the hole! Or something relevant like that.
No matter. He will show him! Kanda has had it up to HERE with this zigzagging, ambivalent bullshit. Even if they have to 'get it over with,' they will still have to leap through that vortex of foolish pride that is Kanda's deprived sex addiction (life).
While he is still relatively young and functioning.
You see, Kanda likes sex just as much as the next person. He just appreciates it in a different . . . miasma?
"Oho Yuu, the elevatorrr? Aren't we gonna check in first?"
"The service elevatorrr. Eleva . . . Forget checking in, I don't have time to be playing nan to a strange room." Yank yanking yank.
"You mean sexing up on a strange bed."
Kanda stops yanking on him for a moment to turn and glare at Lavi. Lavi gives a bright grin. "You're hopeless," Kanda tells him.
"Tell me you've never done this before. I promise to be surprised."
"Is that another sick joke?"
They get into the elevator as the desk lady winks weird winks at them. Oh good, she must be blind. Now, How Does One Go About This Sexual Brutality Without Getting Caught? Or Stuck In An Elevator? Because that is where they'll be, enjoying the bloody moans escaping from each other.
Okay. Down to business then. Quick quick (get your ass in gear) quickly all of England is waiting! Kanda has been building up this consumptive tension for months!
He yanks the rest of Lavi inside (the elevator) before pressing the button like a jackhammer.
"Er, Yuu? It'll close. If you let it." He sounds quite excited, doesn't he?
Ah, well, Kanda had thought it was one of those special elevators that keep pinging open. The doors, that is. You know, really annoying.
*
They accidentally go up to the next floor; they know this due to the customary pinging. And the next corridor which is revealed before them. Does it matter which level the elevator sits? There is another floor, isn't there? How do you manage this button number pad? Press press BASH. WHY ISN'T IT WORKING???!!! Pant pant.
"Yuu! You're gonna break it and then we'll get stuck - "
"Shove it. I'm figuring it out."
"It's a simple - "
"You think it's so simple? You do it then."
"Okay, watch the master hard at work." Lavi steps forward, rubs Kanda's nipple through his shirt quite condescendingly, and presses the stall button. Once. They wait; they wait. "All right there, Kanda?"
Eep! Er. Creep?
"Fucktastic," Kanda mumbles, fully realizing the damage he has done, putting himself in this situation with Lavi by his side. In an elevator with four walls. Like a metal box. Oy.
"Oy," Lavi says, nodding at the stillness of the metal box. It has floral wallpaper, with lotus. Just so you know. It is almost painful. The unsightly wallpaper and the heavy-lidded - goggle? Not exactly a goggle, no, Kanda wouldn't go that far. He would put it as sexy. Consider it that. The Sexy Goggle. Not the goggle. But. Oh bloody C of E, he is getting out of hand. The Sexy Ogle, yes.
"Oy," Kanda echoes over the incessant beating of his own stupid heart. Why won't it stop beating?! Stop beating stop beating!
He would be dead if it did, so perhaps it is a wonderful thing he is going to have sex before he does. Die, that is. Because he shall die if Lavi does not satisfy his erection anytime soon. Like now, for example, before it breaks off from being this heavy. (He is sure this is not possible. Uh.)
He grips his chin, hell yes. Kanda, that is. Grips Lavi by the chin. With a firm albeit condescending revenge-grip. Lavi garbles something, lips puckering, and Kanda wants to laugh to spoil the moment. Or not. Not the time not the time.
*
"WHAT IS THIS ABOUT ME BEING A VIRGIN YOU DIMWITTED SLAG."
*
Kanda is ignoring him in the meantime. He will have nothing more to do with a slag that is also a dimwit. Who talks about snapping his dragon and so on. Kanda does not act like a virgin, despite being the Big V. He so is not obviously a . . . Well. He is, really. He can't even fool himself.
"Yuu, dun be a pooper."
"Not a pooper." Kanda shoots him a look. "A what?"
"C'mooon, you're cutting into valuable slagging time." Because slagging equals shagging equals various bullshit.
Kanda gives him an invaluable one fingered salute. Lavi pretends to grab it and suck enthusiastically. Kanda is not impressed or moved by this display of . . .
He tries not to adjust his erection. "How come it won't budge?"
"The . . . button? See, this is what happens when you break things. I can't come to your rescue every time, ya know."
Dirty look dirty look. Returned with a cool one. Er, is it getting hot in here? And should they take off all their clothes?
"Look," Kanda demonstrates, "it won't budge! No matter how many times I jam. It. In."
"Uhhh. Should I get between you and the red button, Yuu? 'Cause I think that's what it's come down to."
Yes, and it's all downhill from there.
"You're so hopeless," Lavi says, all inciting, and unoriginal, which makes Kanda want to jam something up his -
"No you," Kanda says, up against the wall, being the utmost original, thank you very, very much. He slides back into the nearest corner. Lavi blinks at every backward step he takes. He is mesmerizing him, both, toward each other. Kanda likes to think he is manipulating him, but we'll believe who we want to fuck. We memorize the short distances.
"Nah-ah. You," Lavi says, putting his back against the buttons that no longer function. Kanda has made sure of that. They may have to pay a fine with somebody's bank account.
Which is naughty. The fine, not the bank account.
"Yes, you."
"What about me?"
What is Kanda's heart telling him about Lavi? Hmmm. "I'm not sticking it in you, so."
"So. You want me to . . . ? I knew you'd say yes!"
"No, I'm just doing this for my health."
"Well you are. In a way - "
"Lavi, shut up."
"I can do it now, like 'perform,' so it's not the question of who, uh, 'thrusts.'"
Hmm, die air quotes die. "Is it the question of who thrusts?"
"I just said it isn't. Hang on. Maybe if - whoops, that won't work."
Hmm (OF COURSE IT WON'T BLOODY WORK). "We couldn't both thrust?" Could they? Like, anatomically speaking?
"Yuu, that is so old school. You know, lock 'n key, insert 'n please me?"
Kanda wishes he could bite that tongue off. "Are you saying I don't have a lock?"
"Are we talkin' about something I don't know what we're talkin' about again? Forget that!"
F-forget that? "Fine!" Just forget the sight of fucking Kanda's ass then!
"What, dude, nah. I meant the whatevermabob." Lavi bites dry skin from his lip.
"Tch, whatever."
"Let's get down now."
They get down now.
"Were you talking about male and female parts just then," Kanda says, feeling like a loser while he is down.
"No, I really did mean lock 'n key. Like, how the hell are we gonna get outta here is beyond you me. Let's face it, we're all we've got left. We may have to repopulate the planet. Onward ho to salvaging fantastic booties!"
"Wait up, how can we repopulate the planet when - ?"
"KANDA (eep) IT WAS A MANNER OF SPEECH. YA KNOW EXPRESSING MY FEELINGS okay yes? I WANNA HAVE YOU NOW. Sex me now YEAHHHH fulfill your filial duties."
That was so uncalled for. But okay.
*
Filial? Where does Lavi get off taking the words right out of Kanda's mouth?
*
After rearranging some obscure and not-so-superfluous anatomy, all relevant bits and pieces (oh that felt YES) making unmistakable contact, Kanda is kind of feeling put in his place, fitted and, indisputably, quite safe. If this is indeed an appropriate feeling about the subject. His backside is lifted against the wall and the rest of him is lifted against Lavi, in a way, but not really. There's not a straight way of describing it. He's not on that fantasy cloud nine and whatnot. It's simply the matter of which side Lavi gets to do it on. And still no straight way of describing it.
Keep up keep up, front or back???
"Front or back?" Lavi is saying. He is rudely interrupting all of Kanda's inner diatribes.
"Fruhwuh?" Kanda says. Uh. "I don't know." But he does. "You choose."
"Okaaaay."
No! He takes it back! Retract retract! Bugger oooofffffff big tool boooyyyy -
"Ha, Yuu, you're gonna hafta stop pushin' me away like that, haha."
"Have you done this before?" Kanda finds himself saying. Oh bloody ffff. There is no stopping himself. "I don't want to break a leg." Oh god Kanda should have done more research before attempting such a feat. (As much as Kanda loves to dive in head first . . . )
"I've said! I've never done it with a - "
"Wat."
"Aaahhh." Lavi chuckles lightly and motions for Kanda to face the wall instead. But Kanda doesn't want to face the wall. If he faces the wall, he won't be able to see Lavi fucking him. Er, that is to say, he won't be able to keep Lavi in perfect order. These things must always be kept in check.
Particularly Lavi's bare chest against his. Brrr. Hurry it up before the clothes must come on again brrr.
"Do you have the," Kanda starts. He mentally berates himself: Better Not Go There. "Do you know how to do It standing up?" BETTER NOT GO THERE ah oh well.
"Eh? How difficult can it be? I've done It lying, er, down."
Yes, lying, because you are a total liar. "Yes, with a total twat." Don't look at Kanda like that. He's never the jealous type.
"She did have one, she did. Ya know, it looked pretty - "
"Disgusting - ow!" Kanda cannot believe that it should hurt this much. It hurts MORE. WHY IS HE BEING JEALOUS OF SOMEONE ELSE THAT LAVI MIGHT HAVE HURT LIKE THIS. YOU CAN'T ANSWER THAT BECAUSE THERE IS NO ANSWER. FUCK.
"Y-you felt that?"
"Of course I bloody well felt that!"
"I toldjoo it would hurt."
"You never said the stupidest thing! Shi-shit! What are you doing down there? Pecking at wood?"
Lavi rolls his face up toward the ceiling, snickering at it loserishly, hands slipping from Kanda's lifted knee.
Not funny, so not funny, Kanda could kick a . . . Kanda laughs a little inside. Like, a smidgeon, so nobody will ever know.
HAHAHAHAHAHAHA. There. It is out of his System That Is In Pain, Ow.
"Haha," Kanda says dryly.
Lavi stops snickering. "Yuu, that is shocking."
"Not as shocking as your peen."
"You said you liked pain. And my peen."
"So you're saying you've been doing it on purpose?"
"N-no way."
"So you're saying because I like certain pain, that I should like this pain, which summarily feels like a sword through the bloody arse, is that it? Yes that is it."
"N-no, not."
"And if you think I'm that much of a masochistic bastard, then that would only make you a sick sadistic bastard, am I right? Yes."
Beat beat beat.
"Kanda."
Yesss beat beat beat.
"What." I am a hard soul you cannot penetrate. I am a hard soul you cannot pene -
Lavi shuts him up (- trate) with his very active, moderately wet mouth and sticky writer's hands, dry knuckles brushing against hard and soft tension. When Lavi's hands are clamping down over Kanda's ass and pulling him so near, so close to Lavi's groin, something Animal and Ravaging lights into Kanda's stubborn streak. Tears down its walls. He suddenly wants Lavi all up inside of him. Like his grill, but Inside. It's either Lavi or Kanda who's going to get it, and Kanda wants to make it simple and clean and all dirty, and only that. He wants to be taken, how would you say, apart? He wants to be the puzzle and he knows Lavi wants to be the player to scatter his pieces. Kanda wants to be drawn in like this, further, and. Something close to molested by someone he, more or less, cares about. More than what's necessary. This is his unsaid explanation.
He has put a lot of time into the effort that is, without further ado, Lavi Bookman Jr. He has spent many a moment not alone, nor lonely, with Lavi by his side. On his side. Always clinging to his side. They are very nearly butt-buddies.
After this, you really cannot deny the Point Of No Return.
Maybe the Unsaid Explanation will someday explain itself.
"Wait," Lavi tries, but Kanda is flicking him on the nose and nudging up his own thighs around Lavi's waist, backside sticking to the wallpaper. He tightens his legs against him. Lavi-abs . . . Kanda has the Driven Urge to lick and bite and lick again until they are very much black and blue. To be strictly honest, Kanda has wanted to make Lavi black and blue since the very day he met him. But that is probably an unrelated story. Maybe. You don't really need to know the details, do you?
No.
Lavi is in the middle of thumbing and then pumping Kanda's erection with all of his hand, and when he wraps only his fingers around the base, tug tug, Kanda gives a long shudder of wanting, shoved snug against the wall like this. There's just so much skin and so little, uh, time? Management?
It just comes pealing out of him like a mantra; the shudder and then the sigh. He surprises his own ears.
"What was that," Lavi says into his hairline, pressing his lips there, very hard. Lingering. What was that? What is that? What are you? Who are you?
"Nothing," Kanda says crossly, nipping at Lavi's neck.
*
It's turns out that Lavi has a handy bottle of something handy that must come in handy in this type of interesting situation, according to him who says he also has a handy dandy notebook somewheres.
"What is this, 'lubrication.' For my ass?" Kanda says, feet back on the floor and bottle in hand for careful examination.
"I've had it for months."
Kanda gives him squinty eyes.
"You know, er, lying around? For polishing tools."
"Polishing. Tools. Tell me it's for human flesh."
Lavi nods unconvincingly. He's smiling too much. That means he is lying. Probably about everything.
"Not your own tool?" Kanda ventures slyly.
Lavi raises his brow. "Well gosh darn, Kanda, why didn't I ever think of that?"
Kanda biffs him (lightly) in the shoulder. "Get on with it, Bookman!"
"All right all right, don't drag my gramps into this!"
"Then polish it!"
"Your peen???"
"Yes! No. That's not. Just. Fuck." Let's! Kanda takes the naughty bottle back from him, opens the cap (too quickly), and out shoots a stream of lube. All over the floor.
"Thanks, I was pinchin' savings for that," Lavi grumbles, budging Kanda away from the goo with him.
Oh Kanda's had it. He is about to fracture a vessel! "Lavi, I am about to fracture a vessel," he tells him calmly. "Now finish stepping away, put this goo wherever it has to be goo'd, and then DO IT."
"Like a cinnabon, capitan! Oops, sorry. Anywho, rightio, here I go!"
*
Yeah right, rightio. Lavi is taking far too long with the lubing and he's overspending time with the t-touching. That is a word, lubing, yes? It sounds a bit odd, in the midst of Doing It now. As if it does not belong. (Except that it belongs way too much.)
"Are you at It yet or not?" Kanda sighs, about to fold his arms or fold them over Lavi's head and twist. But he can't, because he wants the sex. God life is so hard.
"Wait Mister Cranky Pantsless," Lavi says, patting Kanda's hipbone.
"Wat."
"Turn around?"
"I DON'T WANNA TURN AROUND." WHAT WILL HAPPEN IF I DO AND IF I DON'T?
You'd think saying it this too loudly would get Lavi to wizen up. Unfortunately saying it this loudly also gets other people's attention. Which is so unnecessary, having other people around in the building. This is why they went from the privacy (not) of Lavi's flat to the privacy of a public (service) elevator.
Perhaps they are caught between floors.
"Bugger off!" Kanda yells at shut (stuck) doors. "Service elevators are only for the servicing, you friggin' idiots!"
"Yeah, you tell 'em, Yuu."
"Wank off somewhere else!"
"Yeah!" Sliiipping-insidey-fingerssss.
"L-Lavi!"
Lavi's finger (or two?) are in there, up there in, you know, Kanda's asshole of which he hadn't thought would ever accommodate somebody else's body parts. Not even his own. Erg.
"Enough child's play now. Kanda," Lavi smiles his name.
"B-but." But what? Kanda has nothing to include. Not when Lavi's v-airrry snug fingers are edging up into Point Of Never Before Contact -
Kanda slides down the wall and spreads his legs with a sense of Just Do It, Spare No Expense With Absolute Hindmost (Oy). His tailbone bumps against the scratchiness of the carpet. Lavi's hand stays glued to him, following him, like it always does. Second nature, perhaps. It's what creeper's do.
There is a kind of suction as Lavi does something else, but Kanda doesn't look; it would be like looking at a needle in your arm. Except, Kanda does look when they stick it in for blood, for instance, so perhaps that does not apply here. Now Lavi's mouth makes a path of suction along his collarbone. It's all a windstorm of squiggly fingers and heated kisses that seem to wax and wane into flesh. They share an open-mouthed kiss; it goes to Kanda's head. Which head? What's going on? Oh, Kanda's head is going off. The one on his neck, not . . .
"Fuck," he hisses, not exactly one for loving words. Things are getting fucked up. Fast.
"You gonna go already?" Lavi asks, almost worriedly. What a wanker. Pressing up into Kanda's sweet spot -
Kanda quickly swallows an outburst and comes in a spurt across Lavi and the floor.
*
This is when they have their moment of baffled silence, then their equally harrowing moment of Lavi smudging the white stuff off of his ribs whilst Kanda watches him do so.
Fine, it's comforting, all right? Kanda's never seen Lavi with that face on before. Comforting and beguiling.
Vilifying.
*
Lavi's erection feels like a burning stake against Kanda's. They adjust. Shift. Kanda huffs. Being in the middle of the floor with the back of his head against the bottom trimmings of the wall may be the Experience To End All Experiences.
Lavi queues up along what can only be Kanda's you-know-what (oh feck), Kanda's legs like an upturned spider's. It could be considered debasing. But it's not. Kanda is concerned about this. He feels like a newborn idiot. Of course, expressing this to Lavi would earn him a few guffaws and maybe a pinch in his ass. Inside, even.
Which is not at all bad, in fact.
"Ow!" Kanda nearly wails, digging his nails into his palms. Then he reaches his senses and digs them into Lavi's shoulders.
"I was trying to distract you," Lavi claims.
"Yeah, you were trying, but you did not succeed."
"I'm not in all the way."
O-oh.
Kanda can feel himself hardening again from sodding impulse. "Try, try again," he recites sarcastically, his throbbing ass screaming for PASSION. WHERE'S YOUR PASSION I CAN'T HEAR YOUUU. So Lavi tries again, getting as far as halfway - when Kanda has the sense to will his muscles apart, like melting, then a rather decent plunge sets Kanda right off the edge of his rag and bomb. It is close to a tantrum, if anything less wobbly. He says things he's never even heard of before. From himself. (In translation, you need not know what's been said. At all.)
When the trauma is over, and Lavi is snug inside of him (ow), Kanda can move slightly (owow) to make it less (ooowwww), er, cramped. Willing your muscles apart can only do so little damage.
His body likes it, however. Stupid human body, liking stupid human dick. But it's not the dick, is it? It's the person attached to it. Not that Lavi is a person in the strictest sense.
Lavi shoves deeper (DEFINITELY NOT A PERSON), Kanda chokes on the pain like a soldiering soldier, and there's the rub; finally, being this close, it is very much like Lavi is stealing Kanda's soul. It's in there somewhere, his soul. Lavi's probably touching it with his -
"Move it," Kanda demands.
"Sorry, does it - ?"
"Move it like you're supposed to, idiot. I don't have all day." I want it.
"Uh, we kinda do," Lavi says, giggling (a-attractively) and flushed around the cheeks. It may very well be the only time Kanda has seen Lavi this unabridged. (Crap books are in Kanda's head SHUDDUP.) All of a sudden Lavi's medallion ring gets caught in Kanda's hair. Kanda remains mum about it, though, out of his venue (and mind, for sure). Pointing south in order to keep things from getting, um, helter skelter, Lavi smiles at Kanda's finger, and they do a semi-grind together. Kanda's head hits the wall.
He bares his teeth. "You better not expect my head to bang like a girl's!"
"That's why I didn't bite you." Stupid sad-face.
"W-what?" Seriously. Don't read Kanda's mind. Don't bite Kanda's mind, either.
"I bit my ex-bird and she didn't complain much except for the slappin'."
Oooh, it's all coming together rather nicely, tch. "Lavi, no, that is sick. I don't want to hear about your birds. Moving on to me."
"What about Yuu." His pulls back and slams in, fittedly, ow. He does it again and again and it would have been annoying if it were someone else. OWWW MOTHERFUCKER? It still is annoying, make no mistake (and his hair is all knotted now, thanks). But it is a good kind of - wait. What is Kanda thinking? There is no good annoying! No way no how no willaway kladjfkalsdj this hurts so annoyingly good.
Oh shit, there is a good annoying. Right here. With Lavi's hands not even taking a pause to draw up Kanda's ass onto his lap. Lavi spreads his own thighs for Kanda's ass to fall in between them, just barely. This new angle forces a kind of detonation behind Kanda's eyes. He swallows erratically, closing them, the head of Lavi's dick slamming inside of him, like a tunneler(?!). His feet touch the floor briefly, and when they do, bent on either side of Lavi's thighs, he feels another rush that could only mean one thing.
He will definitely have to make Lavi feel the same exact pain-pleasure-morphine. And soon.
However, Lavi gets carried away, as if to DOMINATE FOR ALL OF MANKIND(?), and Kanda finds Lavi's hands cupping(???!!!!) his -
Chestness. That is flat and so not a girl's, fuck you very much.
*
"GET YOUR HANDS OFF ME JUNIOR" comes out louder than intended.
For whatever crap reason, Lavi has no idea what Kanda is talking about. He shrugs, bends over, lays his flushed chest against K-Kanda's . . . I-it's all become so plain, you know? Well, tch, you probably don't, and if you did, then you are probably a wanker just as much as Lavi apparently is, times ten. It's a scientific fact, probably. What you probably already know is that Kanda's brain is finally walking a linear path as opposed to hocus pocus hulihee about the expectations in a relationship, blah blah blah, what crap expectations can there be?
It's awful and weird and ridiculous and good because.
They couldn't be more one and the same and maybe possibly less themselves . . . blah blah. This can't be what they mean by a Good Shag, can it? Noooo.
Simply no. Non, even. (The newest angle is making his back arch.)
*
(Ah ah!) yes yes, they're going at It and doing a ffffucking Swell Shag Business Thing. (They could start their own industry for this; don't think Kanda hasn't considered it.) Blankness is the psychotic abyss that absinthe is made of, or something. Beast is the - the - the YOU KNOW THIS. BEAST unghungh. Kanda is no longer grasping at straws that broke the camel's back; he's just being this person with another person. And. And. AND????
Lavi is mumbling something incomprehensible in yet another language as he - comes, violent and apparently unthinking, hands ripping through Kanda's hair, overhead lights casting strange contra into Kanda's eyes, that this brings to mind one other facto de importance. (Seriously, what is Lavi thinking, pulling Kanda's hair out like that? Fucker. He shall pay. If you stop hugging Kanda like that, he will seriously make you pay. So don't stop, never stop.)
Whatever will they tell the police once the emergency people have finally managed to pry the doors opened???
Sorry officers of sod's effing law, we had a bit of a (flaming) row and blood was shed?
Or there were weirdos in here before us. Honestly, are you blind? They were real wankers with real problems.
Or, the no-brainer: I just did something really bad and I think I'm letting myself get off with it. Arrest me now before I get carried away -
"Oy," Kanda whispers, half past spent against Lavi's belly. "I think I'll take that bed."
Lavi gives him a teasing soft look. "Without a headboard?"
Kanda tries to straighten his lips. "Natch," he smiles. He realizes that he is hugging Lavi back.
Pairing: Kanda/Lavi, Bookman
Rating: NC-17 for language, sex, crack, and derogation
Disclaimer: DGM belongs to Hoshino Katsura et al
A/N: High School AU Flashback!; the one where Lavi and Kanda have le sex (together) and it is quite le rough ride (together).
&
For this sex bit, Kanda is inexplicably agreeable, make no mistake. Possibly a hint of amenable, if you squint very squinty-like. It has been years since, well, not doing it, ever, and he would like to know how, now, maybe. But pardon him for being just a tad hesitant about Giving It Up to some nomad Russian who has probably been around the world a few too many times, if you get his drift, and yes, it is irrefutable judging by the way Lavi swaggers all the bloody time.
Lavi is currently stacking books in the corner of his room - up on a spindly table - for the purpose of stacking them; Kanda is not sure, and he can't be too bothered to care. Especially in that order.
"Why the hell?" Kanda asks, because he obviously does not care.
"I'd be cursed if these babies should ever touch the floor. Under my watch, anyhow."
"Curses," Kanda says as if to end an argument. He lounges on Lavi's bed. Mooooe. Er, moetherfucker?
"Yeah, like how you hang onto your v-card like gold," Lavi snivels, sizing up all angles of the pile. Stack. Tower of Babel. "Gotta catch 'em aaallll . . . " he sings to himself.
Kanda has three-fourths a mind to chuck this swimwear(?!) catalog at that Babel Babbling Thingy. "That's because it is gold," Kanda says loftily, to play hard-to-get. Yes, he's heard about this hard-to-get rubbish. It's very hard to play it, but he thinks he's doing extraordinarily well for one who's never done the dirty deed before. "Actually, I've changed my mind. I want to do it." See? Woefully hard-to-get. Like top achiever in Savate.
He rolls over to watch Lavi's reaction, which is comprised of such splendor and, can it be, on-the-spotness? Because Lavi is looking too much like he's that notorious deer before the huge-ass articulated lorry. And his hand, his hands are telling. "Errr," he says.
Kanda blinks at him, scowling. "I meant sex. Do you want to do this sex pot thing with me or not."
"Errr," he says.
Kanda nearly drops his jaw. Slightly. "You have got to be joking." After all that jerking around and - ?
"Rah - raganuga bhackti?"
Kanda wonders if he should be astounded by the words that always seem to dribble out of Lavi's mouth as astounding dribble tends to do. He doesn't even need to say it.
"Er, I mean, Gilgamesh? Hahahaha!" Lavi grows stone-bodied.
Kanda grows in languor; he already thinks he's had enough, and yet the morning just keeps on giving it to him. Like a really bad slot machine - as Walker has said.
Ag the Fuck! What the aggers is Walker doing, making an example of this? This act of humiliation slash freedom. What in Angry Mob Hell does Gilgamesh have to do with anything, anyway??????
"The hell," Kanda says, sitting up.
Lavi licks his finger and sticks it up in the air (recovering from a fit of insanity?). He gets on his toes, raggedy vest riding up his stomach. (Kanda hisses in.) "Is virtue a thing remote? I wish to be virtuous, and lo! Virtue is at hand."
"If you tell me that Gilgamesh said this, I will box your head in."
"No sirree."
"Yes I would. Good."
"You should know, Confucius said it." Lavi pets the stack as if to virtually pet - Kanda.
Uh, yes, right, well, Kanda knew that. "Did you know rabbits can get heatstroke?" This stops Lavi in his tracks, or rather, his embezzlement of virtue. Because Lavi has no grasp on virtue, here nor there. Right. Moving on now to more important topics.
"Yeah, that is so pablum," Lavi snips.
Kanda snaps. "You're pablum!"
"No, you!"
"No you!"
"What about me?!"
"That is the problem! You're not doing anything with the sex!" My privates need a bit of airing like the cupboard now and then, don't you know you useless arrrrse???
Which is just the, er, sorry seedling, that.
*
Kanda's words have the right effect, but the worst regret. Lavi has glued himself to Kanda's legs, kissing his knees and the like. Like the backs of them. Who kisses the backs of knees, you better tell Kanda or else so he may inform Lenalee that Lavi is officially a Weirdo and that she should stay as far away from him as possible, possibly in the Congo. Or Antarctica. Lavi in Antarctica, not Lenalee.
But then again, telling Lenalee this would be like admitting to Dark Matters With Lavi. And he already knows that's never amounted to anything decent.
"Gotten over yourself?" Kanda grumbles, curling his lip at the feel of Lavi's fringe against the hair of his calves.
"Hey, didja know?" Kissu. "You're making me a lil' nervous. Wreck, yeah." Kissu kiss.
Kanda chews on his lip. Okay, he'll throw him a bone. With a kindly hook in it for good measure. "Tell me why."
"'Cause, I can never tell with you." Lavi raises his eyes to him, and (ping!) something inside Kanda really does go ping! Perhaps not in a very good way. Perhaps in a wonky modern way.
"Y-you're like a barnacle?" Kanda says suddenly, forgetting to rephrase it into a statement. He doesn't mean to stutter either, but somehow, if Lavi is nervous, it has become quite the contagion. He will have to kill Lavi for it later. Still. He cannot take it back. "Barnacle," he repeats lamely, balling his fists.
"Barnacle?" The kisses have stopped. "Hey." The kisses start up again, winding up Kanda's trousershorts in a rather ravenous pattern. "Didja know? Barnacles have huuuge peen."
"No."
"What d'ya mean no? You can't stand the thought of me havin' a huge peen?"
"No." No, this is not what Kanda means to saaayyy. Except, maybe, partly, it is. Feelings are ridiculous, are they not? But so is Lavi's newest pick-up line.
"Even if it was six meters long?" he says hopefully.
"Yes."
"Which is yes?"
"No." He means NO, please don't stick it in him if it's six bloody meters long! Plus, er, what else? Hmm. (Lavi, stop that tickling. You will get nowhere with - ah! Ahahahaha stooopuh that is pure tortuuuure oh god kill Kanda now why don't you, you big peen - !) Hmmm. Oh yes, that's right. The barnacles. Those are a bit pointless, even to illustrate a point.
"Barnacle," Kanda calls him, and Lavi seems to appreciate this (non)endearment to the fullest extent. Ag.
*
The touch of belly flesh to bare foot gets Kanda on the fast track. "Are you sure."
"Positive!"
"So you are telling me that you're positive. And sure."
"Positivo sugar o's. Now let's get down and dirrrty, my - "
Kanda nudges his foot up against Lavi's bare sternum. "How sure? Can you provide me with the test results that say you are one hundred percent positive, but be sure that the tests read one hundred percent negative?" He is quite sure that is how this works, this sex-that-is-not-your-business. This is practically a sex workshop, with all the work that it takes to just get it started.
"Yuu! Have you checked my dick lately?! Didja see any flesh-eating STDs!"
*
"No lies?" Kanda says, glaring into Lavi's wide-eyed gaze.
"I really don't wanna use a prophylactic," Lavi moans, raising his eyebrows up and down, eyes still big. Kanda almost laughs. (Inwardly.)
"The more reason to use one. Who knows where you've dipped your pen."
"Ack my poor balls! One minute you're all take me bad boy with your massive knobster and then you're like bah humbug your massive knob is rife with lies, begone humbug bah!"
"Lavi."
"Hell, it wreaks havoc on the boys, ya know! All I ever obsess about is doing you deep into my bedspread! All I ever dream about is sucking those bones!" He pauses. "Take that as I would. All I want is your ass, Yuu, your loverly ass. Hey, let me touch it. Okay, that's it, I am a man! There's gotta be a way for us to do it without jacking up your wrong but reasonable reservations about meee - "
Oh he can see what he did thar. Color Kanda impressed. "Lavi." Lavi gives out a long breath, trembling hand to chest. "You have no bedspread." Kanda attacks his lips with the fiercest ferocity he's never known before. That they've both never known before, hopefully. He even trails his hand down to pinch Lavi's . . . jeans.
*
Good times . . .
*
That is all for naught. It is all for naught, and Kanda cannot believe the perfect timing.
Lavi seems to be in a spot of bother with his, er, weapon. As per his words.
Kanda's flippant words are, and you can quote him on it: "Asshat." All right, one word. But it screams necessity.
Of course he doesn't mean it. Of course he actually means, why you wet gormless willy with extra worm! How dare I turn you off! How dare you turn me on while I turn you off humph!
He doesn't know why he's being so accommodating really. It's not fair of him. To himself. What's the point of all this restraint anyway? Can't they just, like, well. Something? You have to admit, this is so not funny.
Lavi is all, "Wow. My dick . . . is being very. Very lame here." He's look at it.
"Very," Kanda adds. "Lame." He's looking at it, too.
"Very lame. So vair vair lame."
"The epitome of all that is lame."
"I am the dregs of society. All may throw stones at my soft bod - hold on, Yuu. This wouldn't've happened if you'd just let me in without all that rubbish about - "
Kanda is giving him quite the daring look. Kanda is also buttoning up his trousers, fingers prim and posh for rejection.
Lavi rushes against Kanda. He blinks all widely again at him, which puts the Fucking Fear into every cell in Kanda's tightly toned body. And yet his cells purr at the smallest brush of Lavi-wisdom, like so:
"You can do me . . . "
Purr purr. "No." Purr purr.
"You can do it yourself, y'know."
Ah hahahahaha purrrrr - "No, no." Ahem.
"Yes, yes."
"I said no." Purr means NO, get that through your thick cranium!
"Yuuuuu."
"Lavi, I am not ramming my - sticking my - doing anything with my dick up your ass." It's just not right. Right?
"C'mon, you'd be good at it! Think of the thrrrusting! For the sake of the thrusting, eh?"
"No. No way in frozen hell or twice frozen over." Yeah. "No way is my dick. Going in your ass. Just no." Right.
"Oho?" Oho right. "Well. It's gone in my mouth, nearly up my nostril, yeah." Right. What. DON'T SAY THAT YOU - ! YOU - !
Well! Er. That is, er. No, and it felt bloody brill - "If that's the way you feel about it." He leans over quickly to flick Lavi's nose quite meanly. "No." Then he shuffles off the bed to make a mad dash for the door.
*
Apparently a dash, even mad, is never enough, seeing as how Lavi is clinging to Kanda's trousershorts, which have, mysteriously, slid off, down toward Kanda's knees. Which is a bit off-putting, since. Kanda is not wearing any underwear. Again. (Damn his father must have been right. Always wear underwear, always. You think Kanda would have learned this by now, especially after that incident in prime when those sadistic idiots had harassed him as if he'd been some knickerless girl. Which he had been. But without the girl parts, etcetera. Oh bugger fuck an egg.)
"I am just a young lad! But my brain is old and grey!" Lavi is gasping, clinging quite redundantly and adding licks here and there. Annoyingly soft kisses, too. "Forgive my audacious bodacity! I can't live without your olden wisdomonic ways, prithee!"
"What is that supposed to mean," Kanda says, trying to shake him off. Nothing for it; Lavi has clamped his knees together. This presents loads of technical confusion.
"I forgot to do my schoolwork! Baie belangrik! My brain can no longer sort priorities properly! Do you hate me, tell the truth."
"Of course I hate you." Your dick is mine; leave it out of this sex business. "You are only but a nuisance and a wart. Why are you speaking gibberish again? Stop that. You obviously have too many thoughts. It's obviously clouding your otherwise crappy judgment."
"Oh Great Buddha, I - !" Lavi gets quiet, glancing up at Kanda's flacidness. He makes a weird face and Kanda can feel it getting, somewhat, confused. His dick, that is, not himself. He himself is very unconfused. He himself has not many thoughts aside from unhand me, gimp dick and do I really turn you off? Thoughts that count, anyway. "Yuu, do I make you hard?"
It all comes out so bitterly, as is customary. "Do I make you hard? No, I suppose not. Get off."
"Well it was working yesterday."
"How would you know that? Were you getting off with some twat? Garish Gretchen, was it?"
"It's Gorgey Gretchen. Ya know she's got green eyes like mine? I should call her - "
Kanda gives him a very dark look, in a very dark way. Lavi gulps. "A-and whatsit, what d'ya mean? I was fornicatin' myself, o' course."
"Of course you were." But Kanda, nevertheless, is horribly relieved. But then! He thinks, all right, so, Lavi's brain is fine with autoeroticism, but not so much with company. Hmmm. (What do you mean without my company????!!!!!!)
Fuck it all! Fuck tout! Wretched Self-Loathing Thoughts! Doubt doubt doubting machinist! Kanda should spit on you for this turn around, and Rejection Of All That Is Very Shitty In The Rejection Arena! God his life is godless and made of mere fishheads. (He tries to tell himself that this is all very ridiculous and having nothing to do with his special bits. He may be s-scared, maybe. You know, he doesn't want to fuck it up. The sex. He doesn't want to be in charge of the thrrrusting because, first of all, they are not in Scotland, and second, er. They are very far from Scotland.)
Oh Good, Great Performance Anxiety Goes Both Ways.
"See here," Kanda starts, but Lavi slips away from him in a bombastic heap and he is free to charge out of the room.
*
So Lavi disapproves of Kanda's lack of sex-drive, is it? That is what it's called, isn't it? This drive de sex? Though Kanda wonders why the drive should have a sex when it is not in a passenger seat. Or a backseat. Bench. Couldn't you, in theory, do it on a bench?
In a park??? (With WILDLIFE.)
Cough - that would have to be arranged sometime - cough. In a parallel universe. Distant reality. This reality, mind. And sooner than what's conceivable.
Kanda sucks on a skinned cucumber. This is almost like practice. This is almost like Lavi's cucumber. Dick. Thing.
Perhaps Lavi just lacks the spirit? For the sex, of course. No, not of course! Of course not! Why should he lack the spirit for Kanda's sex?! That is an outrage! How dare he lack the spirit for Kanda's asshole! God, why is his life so shocking? Why can't he have it both ways? Sex, and sex in the back of a car? Possibly the boot.
Imagine that.
Not.
*
Yessssss (secretly imagining this so very secretkeepery) - munchmunchmunch.
*
Lavi has walked in nonchalantly as if he didn't just reject Kanda outright. He stands there, for some reason wrapped in a scarf down below. It is a catastrophe, this psychedelic scarf wrapped against his bits. It is one grand mindfuck. It could give his kendo sensei a headrush.
"Eureka!" Lavi shouts, pointing at Kanda and Kanda's hand.
What? Whaaat? Kanda stops sucking again and takes another bite. He squeezes his (clothed) thighs together. He slurps up errant water. Lavi cringes, brightens, and shrieks EUREKA again.
Dindindindiiing. Oh. Kanda can see it now. "Did you want to stick this up your ass? You can have the rest of it."
*
Buttons are undone again. This sex business is endless, isn't it? Erections are shifty things, aren't they? They get ripped off. The buttons, that is. Lavi will have to owe him a new pair. Of trousers, not buttons. Flurried kisses and bruising kisses.
So hey, furthermore, that one button pin thing that says SEX HAPPENS wouldn't be so bad. Pinned to Kanda's rucksack. Yes, he will have to tell Lavi to find him one. Then buy him one. Then give him one.
Wait! Kanda must exercise some restraint here! "No," he says, "you lost your chance. I'm not fucking on no floor." Imagine the contusions? Cheers to self-control!
So Lavi says, "I said the counter, the counter, Yuu! You know you want it."
Oh, like this should change a damned thing. "Hmmm - no." No?! He means yesssss oh god this is his life, isn't it? Kanda has made his name into a tart trend. With rhubarb in a French accent.
They stare at each other as Kanda mulls over this for extras. Lavi mulls over this as well. "Ace," Lavi says calmly. Not. "Just ace. I spend all my time - just a fraction of a lot of time - gettin' it up for you and you can't pause to pleasure your very caring and delectably sharing boytoy. I understand. I have only my selfless hands to blame in all of this, reckon they are dual threats to your loving nature. Forgive 'em."
Yeah, sure, aside from that, Kanda also doesn't mean to be human. "You should know mine's already gone down and now I'm hungry for real. So shut your gob and tuck that thing away." (Ah hungry for primal urge de carnage, mostly. Completely. Vroom vroom sex-drive?)
*
After a brilliant munch fest, and feast, they are rearing(!) to go whilst resisting the Let's Tear Things Off While We're At It Urge. Instead they Tear Things Away in the Progressive Stage. Think: shucking corn on stage left.
Noooo, don't think thaaaat. Now that's a mental image. A very sick one at that. But true, someone is creating a lot of friction down there, hot and -
Until Mister Bookman walks in. Unannounced. Just as Kanda is snaking his hand toward Lavi's aslfkadskjdsaj.
*
How can he just walk in unannounced?! Answer him (them) that!!!!!! No matter, that is quite unacceptable behavior, Mister Bookman Sir! And so forth. But Kanda dare not mention this little harangue. (Doesheknowdoesheknow? Well crap.)
They are able to part just in the nick of time, somewhat, Lavi crashing into the island. Thank god for Lavi getting dressed, for once. Sort of. Ish.
Bookman clears his throat as if to prove he's seen it all, slams down a stack of gibberish papers in a cardboard box, and says, "Lìzhèng! What are you teenage rebels up to now? God's green sod, you two are the sorriest pieces of humankind I ever did see in my many years. Don't you know you're supposed to deep-fry the sausages? Gah, jiào jǐngchá . . . " And the rest goes down in history snore.
"Er," Lavi says. Perhaps it's because of Bookman's evil (black?) eyes.
"How is it, Kanda Yuu?" Bookman says abruptly, expression either softening due to Kanda or due to Kanda's show of skin along his shoulder(s) and more.
It's Kanda's turn to errrr. He swallows in order keep himself from spluttering, we could have had the sex on the floor and you irrevocably fucked it up for us, mean old panda bat!
That is also an image. Bad timing for a conjured image. Kanda can't feel his dick anymore, which is probably due to the fact it has gone down to hang out with hanging-down balls. Ag.
Bookman eyes them, meaner than a beetle. "Bother showing us how to cook them, sir?" Kanda suggests, though he doesn't know why or why even Lavi should give him an uncharacteristic peaky worm look.
No, wait, Kanda has seen that look before. During non-snogging sessions.
*
Lavi thinks he may have lost his chance for getting any of the sex?
Aaaaah hahahaha. What a stupid wanker with his hair all mussed up like that.
Kanda will have to tell him to stop being sort of nice-looking, fucking A.
*
After the mean old bat instructs them in the ways of Doing Things Right (riiiight - oooh, another blowhard in the queue), Lavi suggests you-know-what with his eyes. Suggests what, Kanda is not privy. Or keen. What in blower's hell is that blower going on about now? Blah blah blah.
Ssshhhshhh, Lavi says.
Kanda goes on cutting his peas. Yes, his peas, because Lavi won't stop nicking his carrots. Bloody criminal, he is.
SssYuuuinnnugh?
"Lavi, I can't make out your cryptologic. Spell it out," Kanda says boomingly.
Lavi frowns like a fish, if fish can frown. "I said, are. You. In? For a game of basket?"
"With a ball?"
"Yeah, if ya want balls." Snorty snort yeah let's make our sprouting friendship so obvious snort.
They share a horny-ornery look. Bookman audibly swallows his last chewy bite and sheds his utensils in the sink. "You clowns need to find new hobbies. Many new ones. Try cleaning for a change." Then he is off again to the void of old school wit also known as Out The Door. "I better not catch you getting up to mischief in another pub, Lavi. You have a head, don't you? Don't tell me you don't or I will put it in a sling, smart-mouth."
Kanda's HERO closes the door behind him, messenger bag slung over his shoulder as they catch the last glimpse of him.
Kanda is wondering if he should put this behind him, so to speak.
*
Definitely not behind his poor understanding!
"What mischief?" Kanda tries, hot on Lavi's heels outside. They are thinking they've exhausted their stay in Lavi's flat for a time. Making imprints in the floor was probably not a good idea as it was.
"Ah, it was a while back, no biggie. Hehe."
"You are nothing but a dick and a loser," Kanda hisses.
Lavi seems to skip at this, hand going down to the side to wave Kanda forward with him.
"Where're we going?" Kanda continues. "If you want to fuck on a court, then I object to that."
"That is wherefore we won't!"
"The fuck? I mean - fuck?" Fuckingtastic.
Lavi goes on laughing and laughing very impishly, for that matter. "The superficiality of your mind, Yuu, I gotta have you."
Right. "So it's something worse? Like a - no, I refuse the public toilets! And a pub. I am not doing the sex anywhere near those guzzling beernecks in their unsightly - "
"So you're thinkin' about my fifty-meter peen now, are ya?"
"It's fifty meters now????!!!!!!" The force of Kanda's incredulity heaves a few passersby down like cardboard, no, feather walls.
Lavi merely gives him a look that sings fancy a bit of a walk tomorrow? Yeah? Well, ya won't be doing any o' that, now will you?
Which puts the Fearsome Fucking Fear totally and irreverently into Kanda's spleen. And more. His balls, of course, how they're bouncing merrily along against the tide of sexual revolution!
They're rounding a corner and taking a few more streets before Kanda has the courage to say, "If you're taking me to one of those drive-in hotels, I will kill you dead within the next two seconds, so help me plod."
*
"We're gonna do it in an inn. You'll like it."
*
"WHAT DO YOU BLOODY MEAN I WILL LIKE IT."
*
"Ah well you'll luuurve it then. Come come, jolly good 'n peaches! Yummy yum 'n snackaroos! Uh, I mean it, Kanda, come on, you're supposed to be happy with this. What I'd do now? Is my shirt on backward? Did I wear bunny hood again?"
*
"Lavi, remind me why I put up with you." No, don't, never mind. It's just too sad.
"The very same reason I put up with you. The promise of sex, natch."
*
The inn is quite far from Lavi's place in the end, or near the end, or whatever. Kanda is not exactly sure if he should throw the body of his already-ex in, as they say about the bloody towel. Anyway. The inn's front entrance looms before them, equipped with the equipment for rough and tumbling quips. You know, what commoners refer to as acquiescing to the inevitable, i.e. terrorizing sexual exploits. Wait, no, terrible would be the word, sorry. Kanda is just so full of glib and let glib at the moment, he really doesn't know left from right, or where the entrance truly is on this mortal coil.
"Waih waih waih - Kanda, where're ya goiiin'?" Lavi whines, lynching him by the elbow at the last second. Kanda nearly whiplashes onto his back, i.e. he does. "You scared or somethin'?" Lavi says (looking down on him).
Kanda grumbles and gets up, dusting himself off and sending a cornucopia of death daggers at Lavi. Does he really think he's going to be shoving his dick into Kanda's asshole? Or, uh, vice versa? Though if it be the latter, Kanda will surely lose his noodles then. Thinking about it so profusely is giving him the sweats, honestly.
Lavi has noticed. He grins. Kanda busies himself with his hair. That is already put up. Well crap.
"You're bein' a schoolgirl about this," Lavi says. (Eeeeeehhhhh???!!!!!) "I'll make this easier on us both. Look, see this coin? I will flip it, and that'll be - "
"No."
"What no? Rather we flip it in the lav? Haha, lav."
That is so funny that Kanda should call his toilet The Lavi from now on. Hahaha no. "Yes. No. Uh. I don't need to flip a damned coin to decide my future."
"Your future, Yuu?"
Errr, so not what Kanda had meant to say much??? His eff ay tee ee, obviously. Well crap AGAIN. Why must all new (good?) things come in such crap packages?! (Even though Kanda has seen Lavi's package, more or less, and touched it, more or less, he's never had it, er, touching his, or anything, like that. You know. This is all very hostile territory for poor Kanda. As dubious as Dubai, where he's only been once as a kid. He feels like Alice in that crap story about that crap rabbit (i.e. Lavi in the flesh), which is not completely enlightening, or any useful. Not when Lavi is looking at him all expectant with horns coming out at all odd places.
As if Kanda has done this before . . . Bah. Which he hasn't, OBVIOUSLY. You know, done It. (Why doesn't anyone EVER listen to him? Also, he thinks he's cramping a bit. Are erectile cramps possible?)
"Yuu, are those your temples, and are they sweating?"
"No! Onward!" Which is another thing that's just come popping out of Kanda's mouth with abandon. He may have to get his mouth its own zipcode. He'd place that zipcode in Taiwan, by the way. For (pride) safety reasons.
O beating heart, shut the fuck up.
"Some hot body's a fraidey-cat," Lavi sings, pulling Kanda into the unsuspecting inn by the fingertips. Yes, the fingertips.
"Not a frai - NOT SCARED OF ANYTHING, ASSHOLE," Kanda says (quietly), and making a sturdy point of practically tearing off Lavi's hand to drag him into the inn himself. That is right; he is taking the ass by the hole! Or something relevant like that.
No matter. He will show him! Kanda has had it up to HERE with this zigzagging, ambivalent bullshit. Even if they have to 'get it over with,' they will still have to leap through that vortex of foolish pride that is Kanda's deprived sex addiction (life).
While he is still relatively young and functioning.
You see, Kanda likes sex just as much as the next person. He just appreciates it in a different . . . miasma?
"Oho Yuu, the elevatorrr? Aren't we gonna check in first?"
"The service elevatorrr. Eleva . . . Forget checking in, I don't have time to be playing nan to a strange room." Yank yanking yank.
"You mean sexing up on a strange bed."
Kanda stops yanking on him for a moment to turn and glare at Lavi. Lavi gives a bright grin. "You're hopeless," Kanda tells him.
"Tell me you've never done this before. I promise to be surprised."
"Is that another sick joke?"
They get into the elevator as the desk lady winks weird winks at them. Oh good, she must be blind. Now, How Does One Go About This Sexual Brutality Without Getting Caught? Or Stuck In An Elevator? Because that is where they'll be, enjoying the bloody moans escaping from each other.
Okay. Down to business then. Quick quick (get your ass in gear) quickly all of England is waiting! Kanda has been building up this consumptive tension for months!
He yanks the rest of Lavi inside (the elevator) before pressing the button like a jackhammer.
"Er, Yuu? It'll close. If you let it." He sounds quite excited, doesn't he?
Ah, well, Kanda had thought it was one of those special elevators that keep pinging open. The doors, that is. You know, really annoying.
*
They accidentally go up to the next floor; they know this due to the customary pinging. And the next corridor which is revealed before them. Does it matter which level the elevator sits? There is another floor, isn't there? How do you manage this button number pad? Press press BASH. WHY ISN'T IT WORKING???!!! Pant pant.
"Yuu! You're gonna break it and then we'll get stuck - "
"Shove it. I'm figuring it out."
"It's a simple - "
"You think it's so simple? You do it then."
"Okay, watch the master hard at work." Lavi steps forward, rubs Kanda's nipple through his shirt quite condescendingly, and presses the stall button. Once. They wait; they wait. "All right there, Kanda?"
Eep! Er. Creep?
"Fucktastic," Kanda mumbles, fully realizing the damage he has done, putting himself in this situation with Lavi by his side. In an elevator with four walls. Like a metal box. Oy.
"Oy," Lavi says, nodding at the stillness of the metal box. It has floral wallpaper, with lotus. Just so you know. It is almost painful. The unsightly wallpaper and the heavy-lidded - goggle? Not exactly a goggle, no, Kanda wouldn't go that far. He would put it as sexy. Consider it that. The Sexy Goggle. Not the goggle. But. Oh bloody C of E, he is getting out of hand. The Sexy Ogle, yes.
"Oy," Kanda echoes over the incessant beating of his own stupid heart. Why won't it stop beating?! Stop beating stop beating!
He would be dead if it did, so perhaps it is a wonderful thing he is going to have sex before he does. Die, that is. Because he shall die if Lavi does not satisfy his erection anytime soon. Like now, for example, before it breaks off from being this heavy. (He is sure this is not possible. Uh.)
He grips his chin, hell yes. Kanda, that is. Grips Lavi by the chin. With a firm albeit condescending revenge-grip. Lavi garbles something, lips puckering, and Kanda wants to laugh to spoil the moment. Or not. Not the time not the time.
*
"WHAT IS THIS ABOUT ME BEING A VIRGIN YOU DIMWITTED SLAG."
*
Kanda is ignoring him in the meantime. He will have nothing more to do with a slag that is also a dimwit. Who talks about snapping his dragon and so on. Kanda does not act like a virgin, despite being the Big V. He so is not obviously a . . . Well. He is, really. He can't even fool himself.
"Yuu, dun be a pooper."
"Not a pooper." Kanda shoots him a look. "A what?"
"C'mooon, you're cutting into valuable slagging time." Because slagging equals shagging equals various bullshit.
Kanda gives him an invaluable one fingered salute. Lavi pretends to grab it and suck enthusiastically. Kanda is not impressed or moved by this display of . . .
He tries not to adjust his erection. "How come it won't budge?"
"The . . . button? See, this is what happens when you break things. I can't come to your rescue every time, ya know."
Dirty look dirty look. Returned with a cool one. Er, is it getting hot in here? And should they take off all their clothes?
"Look," Kanda demonstrates, "it won't budge! No matter how many times I jam. It. In."
"Uhhh. Should I get between you and the red button, Yuu? 'Cause I think that's what it's come down to."
Yes, and it's all downhill from there.
"You're so hopeless," Lavi says, all inciting, and unoriginal, which makes Kanda want to jam something up his -
"No you," Kanda says, up against the wall, being the utmost original, thank you very, very much. He slides back into the nearest corner. Lavi blinks at every backward step he takes. He is mesmerizing him, both, toward each other. Kanda likes to think he is manipulating him, but we'll believe who we want to fuck. We memorize the short distances.
"Nah-ah. You," Lavi says, putting his back against the buttons that no longer function. Kanda has made sure of that. They may have to pay a fine with somebody's bank account.
Which is naughty. The fine, not the bank account.
"Yes, you."
"What about me?"
What is Kanda's heart telling him about Lavi? Hmmm. "I'm not sticking it in you, so."
"So. You want me to . . . ? I knew you'd say yes!"
"No, I'm just doing this for my health."
"Well you are. In a way - "
"Lavi, shut up."
"I can do it now, like 'perform,' so it's not the question of who, uh, 'thrusts.'"
Hmm, die air quotes die. "Is it the question of who thrusts?"
"I just said it isn't. Hang on. Maybe if - whoops, that won't work."
Hmm (OF COURSE IT WON'T BLOODY WORK). "We couldn't both thrust?" Could they? Like, anatomically speaking?
"Yuu, that is so old school. You know, lock 'n key, insert 'n please me?"
Kanda wishes he could bite that tongue off. "Are you saying I don't have a lock?"
"Are we talkin' about something I don't know what we're talkin' about again? Forget that!"
F-forget that? "Fine!" Just forget the sight of fucking Kanda's ass then!
"What, dude, nah. I meant the whatevermabob." Lavi bites dry skin from his lip.
"Tch, whatever."
"Let's get down now."
They get down now.
"Were you talking about male and female parts just then," Kanda says, feeling like a loser while he is down.
"No, I really did mean lock 'n key. Like, how the hell are we gonna get outta here is beyond you me. Let's face it, we're all we've got left. We may have to repopulate the planet. Onward ho to salvaging fantastic booties!"
"Wait up, how can we repopulate the planet when - ?"
"KANDA (eep) IT WAS A MANNER OF SPEECH. YA KNOW EXPRESSING MY FEELINGS okay yes? I WANNA HAVE YOU NOW. Sex me now YEAHHHH fulfill your filial duties."
That was so uncalled for. But okay.
*
Filial? Where does Lavi get off taking the words right out of Kanda's mouth?
*
After rearranging some obscure and not-so-superfluous anatomy, all relevant bits and pieces (oh that felt YES) making unmistakable contact, Kanda is kind of feeling put in his place, fitted and, indisputably, quite safe. If this is indeed an appropriate feeling about the subject. His backside is lifted against the wall and the rest of him is lifted against Lavi, in a way, but not really. There's not a straight way of describing it. He's not on that fantasy cloud nine and whatnot. It's simply the matter of which side Lavi gets to do it on. And still no straight way of describing it.
Keep up keep up, front or back???
"Front or back?" Lavi is saying. He is rudely interrupting all of Kanda's inner diatribes.
"Fruhwuh?" Kanda says. Uh. "I don't know." But he does. "You choose."
"Okaaaay."
No! He takes it back! Retract retract! Bugger oooofffffff big tool boooyyyy -
"Ha, Yuu, you're gonna hafta stop pushin' me away like that, haha."
"Have you done this before?" Kanda finds himself saying. Oh bloody ffff. There is no stopping himself. "I don't want to break a leg." Oh god Kanda should have done more research before attempting such a feat. (As much as Kanda loves to dive in head first . . . )
"I've said! I've never done it with a - "
"Wat."
"Aaahhh." Lavi chuckles lightly and motions for Kanda to face the wall instead. But Kanda doesn't want to face the wall. If he faces the wall, he won't be able to see Lavi fucking him. Er, that is to say, he won't be able to keep Lavi in perfect order. These things must always be kept in check.
Particularly Lavi's bare chest against his. Brrr. Hurry it up before the clothes must come on again brrr.
"Do you have the," Kanda starts. He mentally berates himself: Better Not Go There. "Do you know how to do It standing up?" BETTER NOT GO THERE ah oh well.
"Eh? How difficult can it be? I've done It lying, er, down."
Yes, lying, because you are a total liar. "Yes, with a total twat." Don't look at Kanda like that. He's never the jealous type.
"She did have one, she did. Ya know, it looked pretty - "
"Disgusting - ow!" Kanda cannot believe that it should hurt this much. It hurts MORE. WHY IS HE BEING JEALOUS OF SOMEONE ELSE THAT LAVI MIGHT HAVE HURT LIKE THIS. YOU CAN'T ANSWER THAT BECAUSE THERE IS NO ANSWER. FUCK.
"Y-you felt that?"
"Of course I bloody well felt that!"
"I toldjoo it would hurt."
"You never said the stupidest thing! Shi-shit! What are you doing down there? Pecking at wood?"
Lavi rolls his face up toward the ceiling, snickering at it loserishly, hands slipping from Kanda's lifted knee.
Not funny, so not funny, Kanda could kick a . . . Kanda laughs a little inside. Like, a smidgeon, so nobody will ever know.
HAHAHAHAHAHAHA. There. It is out of his System That Is In Pain, Ow.
"Haha," Kanda says dryly.
Lavi stops snickering. "Yuu, that is shocking."
"Not as shocking as your peen."
"You said you liked pain. And my peen."
"So you're saying you've been doing it on purpose?"
"N-no way."
"So you're saying because I like certain pain, that I should like this pain, which summarily feels like a sword through the bloody arse, is that it? Yes that is it."
"N-no, not."
"And if you think I'm that much of a masochistic bastard, then that would only make you a sick sadistic bastard, am I right? Yes."
Beat beat beat.
"Kanda."
Yesss beat beat beat.
"What." I am a hard soul you cannot penetrate. I am a hard soul you cannot pene -
Lavi shuts him up (- trate) with his very active, moderately wet mouth and sticky writer's hands, dry knuckles brushing against hard and soft tension. When Lavi's hands are clamping down over Kanda's ass and pulling him so near, so close to Lavi's groin, something Animal and Ravaging lights into Kanda's stubborn streak. Tears down its walls. He suddenly wants Lavi all up inside of him. Like his grill, but Inside. It's either Lavi or Kanda who's going to get it, and Kanda wants to make it simple and clean and all dirty, and only that. He wants to be taken, how would you say, apart? He wants to be the puzzle and he knows Lavi wants to be the player to scatter his pieces. Kanda wants to be drawn in like this, further, and. Something close to molested by someone he, more or less, cares about. More than what's necessary. This is his unsaid explanation.
He has put a lot of time into the effort that is, without further ado, Lavi Bookman Jr. He has spent many a moment not alone, nor lonely, with Lavi by his side. On his side. Always clinging to his side. They are very nearly butt-buddies.
After this, you really cannot deny the Point Of No Return.
Maybe the Unsaid Explanation will someday explain itself.
"Wait," Lavi tries, but Kanda is flicking him on the nose and nudging up his own thighs around Lavi's waist, backside sticking to the wallpaper. He tightens his legs against him. Lavi-abs . . . Kanda has the Driven Urge to lick and bite and lick again until they are very much black and blue. To be strictly honest, Kanda has wanted to make Lavi black and blue since the very day he met him. But that is probably an unrelated story. Maybe. You don't really need to know the details, do you?
No.
Lavi is in the middle of thumbing and then pumping Kanda's erection with all of his hand, and when he wraps only his fingers around the base, tug tug, Kanda gives a long shudder of wanting, shoved snug against the wall like this. There's just so much skin and so little, uh, time? Management?
It just comes pealing out of him like a mantra; the shudder and then the sigh. He surprises his own ears.
"What was that," Lavi says into his hairline, pressing his lips there, very hard. Lingering. What was that? What is that? What are you? Who are you?
"Nothing," Kanda says crossly, nipping at Lavi's neck.
*
It's turns out that Lavi has a handy bottle of something handy that must come in handy in this type of interesting situation, according to him who says he also has a handy dandy notebook somewheres.
"What is this, 'lubrication.' For my ass?" Kanda says, feet back on the floor and bottle in hand for careful examination.
"I've had it for months."
Kanda gives him squinty eyes.
"You know, er, lying around? For polishing tools."
"Polishing. Tools. Tell me it's for human flesh."
Lavi nods unconvincingly. He's smiling too much. That means he is lying. Probably about everything.
"Not your own tool?" Kanda ventures slyly.
Lavi raises his brow. "Well gosh darn, Kanda, why didn't I ever think of that?"
Kanda biffs him (lightly) in the shoulder. "Get on with it, Bookman!"
"All right all right, don't drag my gramps into this!"
"Then polish it!"
"Your peen???"
"Yes! No. That's not. Just. Fuck." Let's! Kanda takes the naughty bottle back from him, opens the cap (too quickly), and out shoots a stream of lube. All over the floor.
"Thanks, I was pinchin' savings for that," Lavi grumbles, budging Kanda away from the goo with him.
Oh Kanda's had it. He is about to fracture a vessel! "Lavi, I am about to fracture a vessel," he tells him calmly. "Now finish stepping away, put this goo wherever it has to be goo'd, and then DO IT."
"Like a cinnabon, capitan! Oops, sorry. Anywho, rightio, here I go!"
*
Yeah right, rightio. Lavi is taking far too long with the lubing and he's overspending time with the t-touching. That is a word, lubing, yes? It sounds a bit odd, in the midst of Doing It now. As if it does not belong. (Except that it belongs way too much.)
"Are you at It yet or not?" Kanda sighs, about to fold his arms or fold them over Lavi's head and twist. But he can't, because he wants the sex. God life is so hard.
"Wait Mister Cranky Pantsless," Lavi says, patting Kanda's hipbone.
"Wat."
"Turn around?"
"I DON'T WANNA TURN AROUND." WHAT WILL HAPPEN IF I DO AND IF I DON'T?
You'd think saying it this too loudly would get Lavi to wizen up. Unfortunately saying it this loudly also gets other people's attention. Which is so unnecessary, having other people around in the building. This is why they went from the privacy (not) of Lavi's flat to the privacy of a public (service) elevator.
Perhaps they are caught between floors.
"Bugger off!" Kanda yells at shut (stuck) doors. "Service elevators are only for the servicing, you friggin' idiots!"
"Yeah, you tell 'em, Yuu."
"Wank off somewhere else!"
"Yeah!" Sliiipping-insidey-fingerssss.
"L-Lavi!"
Lavi's finger (or two?) are in there, up there in, you know, Kanda's asshole of which he hadn't thought would ever accommodate somebody else's body parts. Not even his own. Erg.
"Enough child's play now. Kanda," Lavi smiles his name.
"B-but." But what? Kanda has nothing to include. Not when Lavi's v-airrry snug fingers are edging up into Point Of Never Before Contact -
Kanda slides down the wall and spreads his legs with a sense of Just Do It, Spare No Expense With Absolute Hindmost (Oy). His tailbone bumps against the scratchiness of the carpet. Lavi's hand stays glued to him, following him, like it always does. Second nature, perhaps. It's what creeper's do.
There is a kind of suction as Lavi does something else, but Kanda doesn't look; it would be like looking at a needle in your arm. Except, Kanda does look when they stick it in for blood, for instance, so perhaps that does not apply here. Now Lavi's mouth makes a path of suction along his collarbone. It's all a windstorm of squiggly fingers and heated kisses that seem to wax and wane into flesh. They share an open-mouthed kiss; it goes to Kanda's head. Which head? What's going on? Oh, Kanda's head is going off. The one on his neck, not . . .
"Fuck," he hisses, not exactly one for loving words. Things are getting fucked up. Fast.
"You gonna go already?" Lavi asks, almost worriedly. What a wanker. Pressing up into Kanda's sweet spot -
Kanda quickly swallows an outburst and comes in a spurt across Lavi and the floor.
*
This is when they have their moment of baffled silence, then their equally harrowing moment of Lavi smudging the white stuff off of his ribs whilst Kanda watches him do so.
Fine, it's comforting, all right? Kanda's never seen Lavi with that face on before. Comforting and beguiling.
Vilifying.
*
Lavi's erection feels like a burning stake against Kanda's. They adjust. Shift. Kanda huffs. Being in the middle of the floor with the back of his head against the bottom trimmings of the wall may be the Experience To End All Experiences.
Lavi queues up along what can only be Kanda's you-know-what (oh feck), Kanda's legs like an upturned spider's. It could be considered debasing. But it's not. Kanda is concerned about this. He feels like a newborn idiot. Of course, expressing this to Lavi would earn him a few guffaws and maybe a pinch in his ass. Inside, even.
Which is not at all bad, in fact.
"Ow!" Kanda nearly wails, digging his nails into his palms. Then he reaches his senses and digs them into Lavi's shoulders.
"I was trying to distract you," Lavi claims.
"Yeah, you were trying, but you did not succeed."
"I'm not in all the way."
O-oh.
Kanda can feel himself hardening again from sodding impulse. "Try, try again," he recites sarcastically, his throbbing ass screaming for PASSION. WHERE'S YOUR PASSION I CAN'T HEAR YOUUU. So Lavi tries again, getting as far as halfway - when Kanda has the sense to will his muscles apart, like melting, then a rather decent plunge sets Kanda right off the edge of his rag and bomb. It is close to a tantrum, if anything less wobbly. He says things he's never even heard of before. From himself. (In translation, you need not know what's been said. At all.)
When the trauma is over, and Lavi is snug inside of him (ow), Kanda can move slightly (owow) to make it less (ooowwww), er, cramped. Willing your muscles apart can only do so little damage.
His body likes it, however. Stupid human body, liking stupid human dick. But it's not the dick, is it? It's the person attached to it. Not that Lavi is a person in the strictest sense.
Lavi shoves deeper (DEFINITELY NOT A PERSON), Kanda chokes on the pain like a soldiering soldier, and there's the rub; finally, being this close, it is very much like Lavi is stealing Kanda's soul. It's in there somewhere, his soul. Lavi's probably touching it with his -
"Move it," Kanda demands.
"Sorry, does it - ?"
"Move it like you're supposed to, idiot. I don't have all day." I want it.
"Uh, we kinda do," Lavi says, giggling (a-attractively) and flushed around the cheeks. It may very well be the only time Kanda has seen Lavi this unabridged. (Crap books are in Kanda's head SHUDDUP.) All of a sudden Lavi's medallion ring gets caught in Kanda's hair. Kanda remains mum about it, though, out of his venue (and mind, for sure). Pointing south in order to keep things from getting, um, helter skelter, Lavi smiles at Kanda's finger, and they do a semi-grind together. Kanda's head hits the wall.
He bares his teeth. "You better not expect my head to bang like a girl's!"
"That's why I didn't bite you." Stupid sad-face.
"W-what?" Seriously. Don't read Kanda's mind. Don't bite Kanda's mind, either.
"I bit my ex-bird and she didn't complain much except for the slappin'."
Oooh, it's all coming together rather nicely, tch. "Lavi, no, that is sick. I don't want to hear about your birds. Moving on to me."
"What about Yuu." His pulls back and slams in, fittedly, ow. He does it again and again and it would have been annoying if it were someone else. OWWW MOTHERFUCKER? It still is annoying, make no mistake (and his hair is all knotted now, thanks). But it is a good kind of - wait. What is Kanda thinking? There is no good annoying! No way no how no willaway kladjfkalsdj this hurts so annoyingly good.
Oh shit, there is a good annoying. Right here. With Lavi's hands not even taking a pause to draw up Kanda's ass onto his lap. Lavi spreads his own thighs for Kanda's ass to fall in between them, just barely. This new angle forces a kind of detonation behind Kanda's eyes. He swallows erratically, closing them, the head of Lavi's dick slamming inside of him, like a tunneler(?!). His feet touch the floor briefly, and when they do, bent on either side of Lavi's thighs, he feels another rush that could only mean one thing.
He will definitely have to make Lavi feel the same exact pain-pleasure-morphine. And soon.
However, Lavi gets carried away, as if to DOMINATE FOR ALL OF MANKIND(?), and Kanda finds Lavi's hands cupping(???!!!!) his -
Chestness. That is flat and so not a girl's, fuck you very much.
*
"GET YOUR HANDS OFF ME JUNIOR" comes out louder than intended.
For whatever crap reason, Lavi has no idea what Kanda is talking about. He shrugs, bends over, lays his flushed chest against K-Kanda's . . . I-it's all become so plain, you know? Well, tch, you probably don't, and if you did, then you are probably a wanker just as much as Lavi apparently is, times ten. It's a scientific fact, probably. What you probably already know is that Kanda's brain is finally walking a linear path as opposed to hocus pocus hulihee about the expectations in a relationship, blah blah blah, what crap expectations can there be?
It's awful and weird and ridiculous and good because.
They couldn't be more one and the same and maybe possibly less themselves . . . blah blah. This can't be what they mean by a Good Shag, can it? Noooo.
Simply no. Non, even. (The newest angle is making his back arch.)
*
(Ah ah!) yes yes, they're going at It and doing a ffffucking Swell Shag Business Thing. (They could start their own industry for this; don't think Kanda hasn't considered it.) Blankness is the psychotic abyss that absinthe is made of, or something. Beast is the - the - the YOU KNOW THIS. BEAST unghungh. Kanda is no longer grasping at straws that broke the camel's back; he's just being this person with another person. And. And. AND????
Lavi is mumbling something incomprehensible in yet another language as he - comes, violent and apparently unthinking, hands ripping through Kanda's hair, overhead lights casting strange contra into Kanda's eyes, that this brings to mind one other facto de importance. (Seriously, what is Lavi thinking, pulling Kanda's hair out like that? Fucker. He shall pay. If you stop hugging Kanda like that, he will seriously make you pay. So don't stop, never stop.)
Whatever will they tell the police once the emergency people have finally managed to pry the doors opened???
Sorry officers of sod's effing law, we had a bit of a (flaming) row and blood was shed?
Or there were weirdos in here before us. Honestly, are you blind? They were real wankers with real problems.
Or, the no-brainer: I just did something really bad and I think I'm letting myself get off with it. Arrest me now before I get carried away -
"Oy," Kanda whispers, half past spent against Lavi's belly. "I think I'll take that bed."
Lavi gives him a teasing soft look. "Without a headboard?"
Kanda tries to straighten his lips. "Natch," he smiles. He realizes that he is hugging Lavi back.