Silence is never the answer.
"My best advice to you would be to avoid him."
I've heard this "advice" several times now, from several women in our program who have either witnessed my attacker in various states of disorderly drunkenness or have themselves been victims of his harassment and abuse while under the influence. What strikes me as particularly upsetting and alarming is the thought that avoidance alone will somehow make the problem go away -- this man is someone who has no respect for women or for boundaries, someone who is clearly remorseless of his actions and has no intent to change for the better or to begin on working towards a more positive direction to address his alcoholism which he blames for his violent and terrifying behavior towards women. Avoiding him might only deter the possibility of being assaulted, but it doesn't remove the gripping fear, it also doesn't address the problem at hand: that there actually is a problem that has not been dealt with, that people in fact, refuse to deal with, that even he himself might not believe is a very large, and very scary problem.
This is the problem: this guy sexually assaulted me, and other women in our program. To this day, he has been held unaccountable of his actions. From what I know, I am the only person that has ever actually confronted him about his actions while under the influence in an aggressive and straight-forward manner, and at the time I believed him to be truly regretful and remorseful of his actions -- his regret, I thought, was marked by the fact that he 1.) was hysterically crying, 2.) had multiple panic attacks that I had to calm him down from; and 3.) actually vomited from being so upset. However, not two weeks after my confrontation with him -- a confrontation wherein he promised to get help and to control his drinking so that he doesn't drink anymore because when he drinks, he always loses control (his words, not mine), there he was with a beer at a barbecue I was attending.
Upon confrontation (a private and discreet one, I might add, where I simply asked him, "Shouldn't you not be drinking?"), he very unapologetically and sarcastically shot back with, "Shouldn't you not be babysitting me?"
Considering the fact that you sexually assaulted me in my own home, asshole, you better bet I will always have an eye on what kind of drink is in your hand. But to that end, he is right: I should not be babysitting him, he should have better self-control and common sense. He made a promise to me that he would not drink, and the "one chance" I agreed to give him was a chance to prove to me that he would take steps to better himself and to stop this type of behavior. Within two weeks, he broke that promise, and this, to me, is a sign that this man is not someone who even deserved that first chance, and that I will now aggressively and unhesitatingly take official action against him. (Note: I ended up having to leave the barbecue early because I was increasingly uncomfortable, scared, and upset about the fact that he kept on drinking. I heard that after I left, he got incredibly drunk and made a fool out of himself.)
But what troubles me about all of this is the reluctance that his peers, my older colleagues have towards the idea of reporting him. Even those who have had bad experiences with him justify what is not an inability to report, but an excuse to not report with the following rhetoric: this man is one of their colleagues and/or is in their cohort; they simply would like peace and quiet and do not want to deal with any drama, and would rather simply "avoid" him. As though avoidance in and of itself would somehow change the fact that this guy is actively harassing and assaulting women when he is drunk and then claims he doesn't remember any of it because he was drunk.
What has occurred to me tonight is that the choice to not take action is actually a decision that suggests a complicity in this man's actions. While I can respect an individual for not being ready, or not feeling safe or right to come forth and report, I am finding it increasingly difficult to respect the universal complicity of everyone who knows this guy and actually continues to let him get away with his bullshit without calling him on it or doing something about it. I love my program, I love this school, and I love the people in it, I think they are some of the most interesting and wonderful people I've met in my life. But to sit back and to allow this to continue knowing what he is capable of or what he has already done makes me violently sick. To the point where I can't even get work done. This, in a sense, is starting to completely disrupt my life because I do not feel safe, secure, or comfortable with the fact that this guy has been doing this and everyone is suggesting that I do nothing about it but avoid him.
It is impossible for me to avoid this man. I live in the same building as him and I refuse to move. I refuse to be the one to pick up my things in my beautiful apartment which I want to make into my home and be scared away. I am in the same program as him, a program that promotes collegiality and camaraderie and thus has many community events. I am even in one of the same classes as him. How can I avoid him? How can I feel safe without actually taking action? Without making him realize that there are very real consequences for his actions? And how can anyone believe that simply avoiding the issue is somehow a solution?
Tonight, someone told me, "I hope the situation resolves itself." How, exactly, can something like this resolve itself? How can any avoidance and silence on the issue and a refusal to act somehow address a very huge problem? What I am apalled by and taken back by is the fact that no one seems to realize that the choice to not act is a choice and an action. You are actively deciding that it is either not worth the trouble, time, or patience to deal with a problem that I now believe to be a very real threat to all the women in our program and to my university's community -- as well as to any female undergraduate students that will be in his classes in the next two years.
Well, fuck that.
I refuse to be complicit in this bullshit. I'm reporting this guy tomorrow, and I will do whatever it takes that is within my power to ensure that what happened to me does not happen again or to anyone else.
I've heard this "advice" several times now, from several women in our program who have either witnessed my attacker in various states of disorderly drunkenness or have themselves been victims of his harassment and abuse while under the influence. What strikes me as particularly upsetting and alarming is the thought that avoidance alone will somehow make the problem go away -- this man is someone who has no respect for women or for boundaries, someone who is clearly remorseless of his actions and has no intent to change for the better or to begin on working towards a more positive direction to address his alcoholism which he blames for his violent and terrifying behavior towards women. Avoiding him might only deter the possibility of being assaulted, but it doesn't remove the gripping fear, it also doesn't address the problem at hand: that there actually is a problem that has not been dealt with, that people in fact, refuse to deal with, that even he himself might not believe is a very large, and very scary problem.
This is the problem: this guy sexually assaulted me, and other women in our program. To this day, he has been held unaccountable of his actions. From what I know, I am the only person that has ever actually confronted him about his actions while under the influence in an aggressive and straight-forward manner, and at the time I believed him to be truly regretful and remorseful of his actions -- his regret, I thought, was marked by the fact that he 1.) was hysterically crying, 2.) had multiple panic attacks that I had to calm him down from; and 3.) actually vomited from being so upset. However, not two weeks after my confrontation with him -- a confrontation wherein he promised to get help and to control his drinking so that he doesn't drink anymore because when he drinks, he always loses control (his words, not mine), there he was with a beer at a barbecue I was attending.
Upon confrontation (a private and discreet one, I might add, where I simply asked him, "Shouldn't you not be drinking?"), he very unapologetically and sarcastically shot back with, "Shouldn't you not be babysitting me?"
Considering the fact that you sexually assaulted me in my own home, asshole, you better bet I will always have an eye on what kind of drink is in your hand. But to that end, he is right: I should not be babysitting him, he should have better self-control and common sense. He made a promise to me that he would not drink, and the "one chance" I agreed to give him was a chance to prove to me that he would take steps to better himself and to stop this type of behavior. Within two weeks, he broke that promise, and this, to me, is a sign that this man is not someone who even deserved that first chance, and that I will now aggressively and unhesitatingly take official action against him. (Note: I ended up having to leave the barbecue early because I was increasingly uncomfortable, scared, and upset about the fact that he kept on drinking. I heard that after I left, he got incredibly drunk and made a fool out of himself.)
But what troubles me about all of this is the reluctance that his peers, my older colleagues have towards the idea of reporting him. Even those who have had bad experiences with him justify what is not an inability to report, but an excuse to not report with the following rhetoric: this man is one of their colleagues and/or is in their cohort; they simply would like peace and quiet and do not want to deal with any drama, and would rather simply "avoid" him. As though avoidance in and of itself would somehow change the fact that this guy is actively harassing and assaulting women when he is drunk and then claims he doesn't remember any of it because he was drunk.
What has occurred to me tonight is that the choice to not take action is actually a decision that suggests a complicity in this man's actions. While I can respect an individual for not being ready, or not feeling safe or right to come forth and report, I am finding it increasingly difficult to respect the universal complicity of everyone who knows this guy and actually continues to let him get away with his bullshit without calling him on it or doing something about it. I love my program, I love this school, and I love the people in it, I think they are some of the most interesting and wonderful people I've met in my life. But to sit back and to allow this to continue knowing what he is capable of or what he has already done makes me violently sick. To the point where I can't even get work done. This, in a sense, is starting to completely disrupt my life because I do not feel safe, secure, or comfortable with the fact that this guy has been doing this and everyone is suggesting that I do nothing about it but avoid him.
It is impossible for me to avoid this man. I live in the same building as him and I refuse to move. I refuse to be the one to pick up my things in my beautiful apartment which I want to make into my home and be scared away. I am in the same program as him, a program that promotes collegiality and camaraderie and thus has many community events. I am even in one of the same classes as him. How can I avoid him? How can I feel safe without actually taking action? Without making him realize that there are very real consequences for his actions? And how can anyone believe that simply avoiding the issue is somehow a solution?
Tonight, someone told me, "I hope the situation resolves itself." How, exactly, can something like this resolve itself? How can any avoidance and silence on the issue and a refusal to act somehow address a very huge problem? What I am apalled by and taken back by is the fact that no one seems to realize that the choice to not act is a choice and an action. You are actively deciding that it is either not worth the trouble, time, or patience to deal with a problem that I now believe to be a very real threat to all the women in our program and to my university's community -- as well as to any female undergraduate students that will be in his classes in the next two years.
Well, fuck that.
I refuse to be complicit in this bullshit. I'm reporting this guy tomorrow, and I will do whatever it takes that is within my power to ensure that what happened to me does not happen again or to anyone else.