A hard place

[subsequentlyshe]

I’m so frustrated and sad. My dad, who is in his early 60s, found out in March that he has a kind of cancer that usually gives people a prognosis of less than a year to live. I’m the only member of our family who doesn’t live within 30 miles; instead I live 3500 miles away. It’s so torturous to hear about his ups and downs and not be nearby as I

Comments

do it

[quiet_life]

good idea- and it wouldn't hurt to reinforce that you really want to be able to spend some time with him.
You may have more than a year, maybe less- who knows? My dad passed away back in '88; same sort of cancer- he didn't make the year they predicted.
I hope that your dad does surpass their predictions, and that you'll get that visit with him.

Re: do it

[subsequentlyshe]

Thank you. It really is helpful to hear from those who have been through it with their loved ones. I'm sorry about your dad. I hope likewise that you were able to spend plenty of time with him beforehand. It's a frightening and common cancer but it doesn't seem like they're much further along in defeating than they were in 88, at least from what I've read so far. Thanks for responding and cheering me on.

Re: do it

[quiet_life]

aw thank you; by unusual circumstance, My daughter (then age 5) and I had just moved back in with my mom & dad shortly before his diagnosis since I was getting divorced. I did get to spend a lot of time, but I do regret my emotional detachment- partially denial/avoidance I think. I would have asked more questions, said more things than I did. I spent too much time following his lead in not talking about emotions (his or ours)- and maybe he was following what he thought were our needs. Don't know, really. My own dad's cancer was a rare form of liposarcoma; I don't believe they've come much further in treating that type either.

Can't tell you what's best in your situation, but trust that I do understand and will listen. I will say that you do need to follow your own instincts, and nobody else's -not his wife's - or you may end up with additional regrets.
I am sorry you're having to experience this.

Re: do it

[subsequentlyshe]

Ah, this really hit home with me. I think part of the way my dad is coping is to view everything through his scientific training mindset. He has been quite forthcoming with answering questions about his treament, but has barely spoken about his prognosis or how he is feeling about it. Although I'm a very emotion-based person, I've been following his lead by trying to be somewhat detached (and removing myself when I can't be). Being interested in the day-to-day while not talking about the big picture. It's scarily easy to imagine that one day he is gone and no oneacknowledged the day was coming. My husband said that when his dad was dying, he asked his dad all sorts of questions about his feelings and his past, and although initially resistant, his dad later thanked him for it. I can at least try and see what happens.

Yeesh, do you think you have enough things going on during that time period! Must have been tough.

[niyabinghi]

Sounds wise....people respond and think and say all kinds of things in these situations because it's stressful. Follow your heart.

[subsequentlyshe]

I know that's true. I've thought about how difficult it must be psychologically to absorb a grim prognosis when it's given to you. Let alone your actual physical challenges, which are daunting themselves. Even without having cancer, someone telling you suddenly that you have less than a year to live...whew. I try to keep all that in mind and not take things personally, it's tough at times. Thanks for your support, it really helps!

[niyabinghi]

My mother was dx'd with pancreatic cancer in the fall of '82 and given less than a year to live, she died in July of '83. Cancer is such a horrid thing for a family to go through as they watch their loved one who has it. My thoughts are certainly with you.

[subsequentlyshe]

So sorry about your mom. My office mate also lost her mom to it in 87 when she (office mate) was only 28. You must have been young to lose your mom as well. I wish so much for a cure.