My Heart Is Full
Title: My Heart Is Full
Characters: Jesse/John/Adam
Notes: Ok, so I tried to do something slightly different, and this is part of a multi-chaptered fic. If you think that I shouldn't bother then say, or if you think I should stay away from the morbid stuff then say... :)
Chapter One
I watch him yawn and shift in the bed next to me, the covers rising as he turns to face the wall, his hand flopping to the side. I’m up on my elbows watching his mouth tremble, as his brow furrows in a confused expression. The white sheets cling to his body, showing off each curve, each crevasse of his wonderful, thin frame. His hair is tangled from where my hands were 2 hours ago. I’ve been watching him for 2 of the most perfect hours of my life. There is still something lurking in the back of my mind, but I push it away as far into the depths it can go, for as the sunlight lazily lights up his body it’s all I can do to keep myself from bolting from this image. There has been nothing like this in all of my life, nothing.
*
“Jesse? You’re late again.” John peered over his thick rimmed glasses as I walked into the coffee house, wheezing like a bitch thanks to the sprint I had to just partake in from one part of town to the other. I tried to smile, whilst simultaneously wiping the sweat off my face and flopping into the armchair that had been left free for me. I collapsed onto the table and tried to look at him through my arms, giving him my attempt at a cute grin.
“When have I… ever given you a reason to believe I would be on time?” I gasped, gulping back the coffee that was waiting for me. It tasted so good.
John rolled his eyes and leant over the table to kiss me. This was what having an amazing boyfriend was all about; everything was just fine. He always knew that I’d be late and so always ordered me a latte and it was always just in time as I fell through the door and collapsed in front of him. Everything was just… brilliant. I have never felt so utterly loved, so utterly wanted and looked after than how he made me feel.
So why was I busy staring at the guy running his fingers through his hair reading a newspaper of some sort, like he does everyday. I tried desperately to keep looking at John as he gabbled about something Michelle did and stopping my gaze from drifting towards this character that seemed to command the room, just attract attention. He didn’t look any different from people I see everyday; dressed in some blue, falling apart zip-up hoodie and twisting his brown hair through his hands.
“Don’t you think?” John brought me back to real world. Oh crap, I hadn’t been listening to a single thing he’d been saying.
“Yes…” I said, nodding slowly and praying that I’d said the right thing.
The widest, mischievous grin lit up his face and made my heart melt, “I KNEW you weren’t listening to me, you fool. So, what’s on your mind?”
“Just how gorgeous you are today…” I am pure cheese, sticking my tongue between my teeth. I knew that it was so cliché, and yet I didn’t care. This is what having a boyfriend means; you can say stupid things and they love it.
“So anyways…” John continued and I tried so hard to concentrate on what he was saying, but again, my eyes were drifting to the guy sat too far away for me to make out if I thought he was good looking or not. Of course I wouldn’t act upon it, of course not. But right now he was smiling at the waiter as he paid the bill and he was SO gay.
I nodded at John, a smile breaking out on my face for no reason. John just smiled back, slightly confused. He had no clue whatsoever, and that made him so endearing.
“John, have to bail. I’m desperate for a wee and if I hold it in any longer I’ll explode.” I got up, and he grabbed my hand to stop me. I wish he hadn’t… I didn’t want the new guy in the corner seeing him. Because… because, what? Because he was getting ready to go now, and on my way to the loo I wanted to just brush past him for a second, to look at him close up.
John squeezed my hand and then let go, smiling over his mug. He does have a beautiful mouth, a beautiful smile that I run my fingers across, and an amazing body that is now covered in my teeth marks hiding behind that Smiths t-shirt.
I walked to the toilet, slowing as I walked past his table and watched his head bobbing up and down as he read the latest news. I licked my lips without thinking, and realised that John was probably watching me. I coughed to clear my thoughts and walked through the swing door.
As I washed my hands, I watched the coffee-guy walk in behind me in the mirror. As I dried my hands I couldn’t keep my eyes off him; he was definitely good looking. From all this time I’ve been watching him, I’d never gotten this close, and it was making my breathing hard.
I wished that I could think of one thing to say to him, one thing at all that sounded smart and intelligent, but at that moment I couldn’t remember my own name. I was still drying my hands as he walked out the door, giving me a confused look as he went.
Idiot! I’d been standing there drying my hands for 5 minutes! “I like my hands dry.” I offered some explanation to the shutting door.
The door flung open again and his face peered round the door. “I’m sorry, did you just say something?” And his voice is rich and smooth, and yet with a slight bitter edge to it that takes my breath away.
“Pfft… nyah…” I said, my hands still under the dryer, “I was just saying how I like my hands dry…” Idiot!
“Don’t we all…” He said; his eyes wide, a frown on his face.
“Depends… if you don’t like your hands to be dry, then you wouldn’t dry them.” Oh wow, Jesse is so smart.
He narrowed his eyes as he looked at me, desperately trying to figure out what I was talking about. If he did find out I wish he’d tell me exactly what it was because I had no idea.
I stuck out my hand, and fortunately, although hesitantly, he took it and shook it. “I’m Jesse…” I shouted over the dryer, my other hand still there getting crispy.
“I’m Adam.” He said, still obviously a bit scared. Actually, I think that I’d be a bit scared of me if I was introducing myself in a toilet. “I’m going to go now…” Adam managed to slide his way from my death grip. I couldn’t let go, and my hand still remained in that general area after his touch left.
See, this is what’s so great about John. With him I don’t have to try hard, and if I look like a prat he just laughs and kisses my nose. Why am I bothering with someone new? I realised that I’d been in the toilet for about 15 minutes and he might be getting a bit scared.
He must have seen Adam walking out of the loo just before me, because he refused to look at me and played with some sugar instead. He didn’t say a word for about half an hour as we were walking back to his house. Well… he was power walking and I had to double my strides to keep up, so I just looked like I was doing some kind of loping gait as one leg was shorter than the other.
Just as I was beginning to wheeze again he stopped suddenly and I ran into the back of him. Any other time I would have collapsed with laughter, but this time was different. His eyes were glazed and he was biting his lip.
“Jess… do you love me?” He asked shakily, and my heart ached at seeing him so down.
“Yes of course-”
“Because if you’re having doubts I’d prefer it if you told me.” He paused and I found it so hard to retain the gaze; when I feel uncomfortable I’ll study my shoe- it just happens. And this is why John’s so great; he knows that and laughs at me for it. But this is also why it is so hard; I can’t lie to him. “Jesse, I’m not stupid. Why can’t you see that it kills me when I see you watching that guy in the coffee place? Why do you do this to me?” His eyes were filling with tears and it was all I could do to keep myself from sobbing there and then. His words were shaky and he had his arms crossed around his chest like a barrier. “What has he got that I haven’t? You have to tell me… I know I’m not good enough for you but-but-” He couldn’t continue when the first tear fell onto his cheek. It felt like my stomach was forcing its way through my dietary system, my heart up in my throat.
When he got no response he turned to walk the rest of the way alone; but I reached out and grabbed his arm. No. I am NOT going to let him go. I’ve known him too long, am too in love with him to just let him walk away like this. His beautiful eyes were so close to mine. I wish I could have said to him everything I love about him and the relationship but I couldn’t find the words.
“Don’t go… please.” I was biting my lip to stop it from wobbling; “I-I-I… there is nothing with this random guy in the coffee place… I assume you mean the idiot with the long hair that looks like he’s been thrown up from the late 70’s. I-I- listen John, just listen. I feel nothing for him… he just has the worst fashion… sense…”
How stupid we must look, how stupid indeed. Two grown men crying in the street. The neighbours must think we’re mad… they’ve seen us walk past here almost every day and they probably know the history of us. From the first kiss to the time I slapped him for being a complete twat and he ran after me and rammed his tongue down my throat, to the time when we would whip each other with sticks and then pelt each other with snowballs. My stomach twisted and I couldn’t help feeling this was the end. From now on John would walk this way to his house alone…
“Jess- you’re everything to me…” John sobbed and we wrapped our arms around each other, my hands drawing circles across his spine.
My stomach was now sinking… he offered me a way out and I turned it down. He offered me a chance to get to know this Adam guy without having to hurt anyone. And as he kissed me once, twice… I felt nothing but dread, and as he grabbed my hand and pulled me into his house and up the stairs I felt nothing, and as he removed our clothes and we had sex I felt nothing. As we lay in the aftermath, his arms around my body, his head on my chest and my fingers laced in his hair I felt… empty, dirty and cruel, and indeed; this was the beginning of the end.
Okay, upon reading this I've noticed things are a bit shit. Just a bit. I do love comments, but I realise they wont be so great... hmmmm chapter two is better, promise. And i also promise to proof read BEFORE I post in future.
Characters: Jesse/John/Adam
Notes: Ok, so I tried to do something slightly different, and this is part of a multi-chaptered fic. If you think that I shouldn't bother then say, or if you think I should stay away from the morbid stuff then say... :)
Chapter One
I watch him yawn and shift in the bed next to me, the covers rising as he turns to face the wall, his hand flopping to the side. I’m up on my elbows watching his mouth tremble, as his brow furrows in a confused expression. The white sheets cling to his body, showing off each curve, each crevasse of his wonderful, thin frame. His hair is tangled from where my hands were 2 hours ago. I’ve been watching him for 2 of the most perfect hours of my life. There is still something lurking in the back of my mind, but I push it away as far into the depths it can go, for as the sunlight lazily lights up his body it’s all I can do to keep myself from bolting from this image. There has been nothing like this in all of my life, nothing.
*
“Jesse? You’re late again.” John peered over his thick rimmed glasses as I walked into the coffee house, wheezing like a bitch thanks to the sprint I had to just partake in from one part of town to the other. I tried to smile, whilst simultaneously wiping the sweat off my face and flopping into the armchair that had been left free for me. I collapsed onto the table and tried to look at him through my arms, giving him my attempt at a cute grin.
“When have I… ever given you a reason to believe I would be on time?” I gasped, gulping back the coffee that was waiting for me. It tasted so good.
John rolled his eyes and leant over the table to kiss me. This was what having an amazing boyfriend was all about; everything was just fine. He always knew that I’d be late and so always ordered me a latte and it was always just in time as I fell through the door and collapsed in front of him. Everything was just… brilliant. I have never felt so utterly loved, so utterly wanted and looked after than how he made me feel.
So why was I busy staring at the guy running his fingers through his hair reading a newspaper of some sort, like he does everyday. I tried desperately to keep looking at John as he gabbled about something Michelle did and stopping my gaze from drifting towards this character that seemed to command the room, just attract attention. He didn’t look any different from people I see everyday; dressed in some blue, falling apart zip-up hoodie and twisting his brown hair through his hands.
“Don’t you think?” John brought me back to real world. Oh crap, I hadn’t been listening to a single thing he’d been saying.
“Yes…” I said, nodding slowly and praying that I’d said the right thing.
The widest, mischievous grin lit up his face and made my heart melt, “I KNEW you weren’t listening to me, you fool. So, what’s on your mind?”
“Just how gorgeous you are today…” I am pure cheese, sticking my tongue between my teeth. I knew that it was so cliché, and yet I didn’t care. This is what having a boyfriend means; you can say stupid things and they love it.
“So anyways…” John continued and I tried so hard to concentrate on what he was saying, but again, my eyes were drifting to the guy sat too far away for me to make out if I thought he was good looking or not. Of course I wouldn’t act upon it, of course not. But right now he was smiling at the waiter as he paid the bill and he was SO gay.
I nodded at John, a smile breaking out on my face for no reason. John just smiled back, slightly confused. He had no clue whatsoever, and that made him so endearing.
“John, have to bail. I’m desperate for a wee and if I hold it in any longer I’ll explode.” I got up, and he grabbed my hand to stop me. I wish he hadn’t… I didn’t want the new guy in the corner seeing him. Because… because, what? Because he was getting ready to go now, and on my way to the loo I wanted to just brush past him for a second, to look at him close up.
John squeezed my hand and then let go, smiling over his mug. He does have a beautiful mouth, a beautiful smile that I run my fingers across, and an amazing body that is now covered in my teeth marks hiding behind that Smiths t-shirt.
I walked to the toilet, slowing as I walked past his table and watched his head bobbing up and down as he read the latest news. I licked my lips without thinking, and realised that John was probably watching me. I coughed to clear my thoughts and walked through the swing door.
As I washed my hands, I watched the coffee-guy walk in behind me in the mirror. As I dried my hands I couldn’t keep my eyes off him; he was definitely good looking. From all this time I’ve been watching him, I’d never gotten this close, and it was making my breathing hard.
I wished that I could think of one thing to say to him, one thing at all that sounded smart and intelligent, but at that moment I couldn’t remember my own name. I was still drying my hands as he walked out the door, giving me a confused look as he went.
Idiot! I’d been standing there drying my hands for 5 minutes! “I like my hands dry.” I offered some explanation to the shutting door.
The door flung open again and his face peered round the door. “I’m sorry, did you just say something?” And his voice is rich and smooth, and yet with a slight bitter edge to it that takes my breath away.
“Pfft… nyah…” I said, my hands still under the dryer, “I was just saying how I like my hands dry…” Idiot!
“Don’t we all…” He said; his eyes wide, a frown on his face.
“Depends… if you don’t like your hands to be dry, then you wouldn’t dry them.” Oh wow, Jesse is so smart.
He narrowed his eyes as he looked at me, desperately trying to figure out what I was talking about. If he did find out I wish he’d tell me exactly what it was because I had no idea.
I stuck out my hand, and fortunately, although hesitantly, he took it and shook it. “I’m Jesse…” I shouted over the dryer, my other hand still there getting crispy.
“I’m Adam.” He said, still obviously a bit scared. Actually, I think that I’d be a bit scared of me if I was introducing myself in a toilet. “I’m going to go now…” Adam managed to slide his way from my death grip. I couldn’t let go, and my hand still remained in that general area after his touch left.
See, this is what’s so great about John. With him I don’t have to try hard, and if I look like a prat he just laughs and kisses my nose. Why am I bothering with someone new? I realised that I’d been in the toilet for about 15 minutes and he might be getting a bit scared.
He must have seen Adam walking out of the loo just before me, because he refused to look at me and played with some sugar instead. He didn’t say a word for about half an hour as we were walking back to his house. Well… he was power walking and I had to double my strides to keep up, so I just looked like I was doing some kind of loping gait as one leg was shorter than the other.
Just as I was beginning to wheeze again he stopped suddenly and I ran into the back of him. Any other time I would have collapsed with laughter, but this time was different. His eyes were glazed and he was biting his lip.
“Jess… do you love me?” He asked shakily, and my heart ached at seeing him so down.
“Yes of course-”
“Because if you’re having doubts I’d prefer it if you told me.” He paused and I found it so hard to retain the gaze; when I feel uncomfortable I’ll study my shoe- it just happens. And this is why John’s so great; he knows that and laughs at me for it. But this is also why it is so hard; I can’t lie to him. “Jesse, I’m not stupid. Why can’t you see that it kills me when I see you watching that guy in the coffee place? Why do you do this to me?” His eyes were filling with tears and it was all I could do to keep myself from sobbing there and then. His words were shaky and he had his arms crossed around his chest like a barrier. “What has he got that I haven’t? You have to tell me… I know I’m not good enough for you but-but-” He couldn’t continue when the first tear fell onto his cheek. It felt like my stomach was forcing its way through my dietary system, my heart up in my throat.
When he got no response he turned to walk the rest of the way alone; but I reached out and grabbed his arm. No. I am NOT going to let him go. I’ve known him too long, am too in love with him to just let him walk away like this. His beautiful eyes were so close to mine. I wish I could have said to him everything I love about him and the relationship but I couldn’t find the words.
“Don’t go… please.” I was biting my lip to stop it from wobbling; “I-I-I… there is nothing with this random guy in the coffee place… I assume you mean the idiot with the long hair that looks like he’s been thrown up from the late 70’s. I-I- listen John, just listen. I feel nothing for him… he just has the worst fashion… sense…”
How stupid we must look, how stupid indeed. Two grown men crying in the street. The neighbours must think we’re mad… they’ve seen us walk past here almost every day and they probably know the history of us. From the first kiss to the time I slapped him for being a complete twat and he ran after me and rammed his tongue down my throat, to the time when we would whip each other with sticks and then pelt each other with snowballs. My stomach twisted and I couldn’t help feeling this was the end. From now on John would walk this way to his house alone…
“Jess- you’re everything to me…” John sobbed and we wrapped our arms around each other, my hands drawing circles across his spine.
My stomach was now sinking… he offered me a way out and I turned it down. He offered me a chance to get to know this Adam guy without having to hurt anyone. And as he kissed me once, twice… I felt nothing but dread, and as he grabbed my hand and pulled me into his house and up the stairs I felt nothing, and as he removed our clothes and we had sex I felt nothing. As we lay in the aftermath, his arms around my body, his head on my chest and my fingers laced in his hair I felt… empty, dirty and cruel, and indeed; this was the beginning of the end.
Okay, upon reading this I've noticed things are a bit shit. Just a bit. I do love comments, but I realise they wont be so great... hmmmm chapter two is better, promise. And i also promise to proof read BEFORE I post in future.