Captain Lacey And The Borbanx Space Crew 4
Bill Bailey is the most amazing man I've never met. Damn exams, I'm only updating this because I've been awake since 4 am.
Chapter One| Chapter Two|Chapter Three
Chapter Four: Applied Physics: Hand me that sausage
Still tossing and turning, thanks to that image of Lazzara salivating on Nolan’s neck, I heard the hour bird CAW outside my window and then promptly explode with an, “Oh I say…”
This planet was getting weirder and weirder.
I got up, deciding to go for a walk in this perfect town. Maybe I could find some hardcore chicks and have some drinks and then some blowjobs. That would be nice; try and get me over Nolan.
I quickly got changed into my flattering Lacey uniform and flexed a little in the mirrors. Well, you can’t blame me for finding myself so damn hot. If I carry on like this I may have to relieve myself in the Pentium Hoseathon shower.
Stepping outside into the cool air I watched my breath cloud in front of me and shivered. Not that I was cold, but it was… different. As if something else was hanging over this town. I shrugged it off when some movements and sounds from the above window reminded me of why I need to sack Lazzara.
I started off on the path, meandering through the woods that appeared to glare at me. Maybe my being here was truly screwing up the way this planet works. No, I am a deity in disguise as an ordinary human being, the only person known to screw things up indefinitely would be Lazzara. Only one more night before a Borbanx comes and escorts me back to Overlord Oberst, who will trap me in a good for nothing, low paid menial labour type job, which we usually get the Helufas to do, and the last chance I see Nolan. I am slightly trapped, in that I love him so much, yes I must admit I really think I love him, and hate him for choosing Lazzara. What has Lazzara got that I don’t have? Other than silly hair that he will never cut, no matter how many times I ask. Alas, I will never find out.
I heard a rustle in the bushes near me and I stared at the shrubbery, which sneezed out a strange, flat, yellow disc. Looking closer, I watched legs start to form and it grew and grew in front of me, it’s disc face mutating into giant, slobbering teeth, and wild, red eyes. It roared and I almost kacked myself. But I wouldn’t have done that, as I am a respectable gentlemen and unclean pants means squishiness and smelliness for a while.
I tore through the woods, just hoping to get away from this foul creature, knowing that not paying attention to where I was headed would only turn into an inevitable lost scene.
I ran out of breath, and had to stand for a few moments to stop wheezing- it’s so unsavoury, what if Nolan walked round the corner and saw me in this state? My lungs were straining and I was in serious pain, my breathing coming out as irregular gasps. I clutched at my heart, good lord! I was having a heart attack! But I am too young and attractive!
I looked up and saw a small group of these horrible things in front of me, 3 bushes sneezing as I stood in awe. Each was slightly different, each with a different smirk plastered on their yellow, sweaty faces.
“Wait… there…” One of them wheezed, and it sounded strangely like Brandonna- only with a husky, evil voice, “Hand me that cigarette, Turner.”
I watched in silence, my mouth gaping unattractively as another passed the creature a cigarette and a lighter.
“What’s… going… on?” I squeaked, my bladder feeling weirdly full.
“Sorry mate,” The one called Turner said, “Just haff to catch a breafer. ‘Aven’t fully introduced meself ‘av I, nor this lot?” He was… a Londoner? “Well, we are the Lekurs. Evil reincarnated- forged by the great Lord Gates in the cess pit of doom, but not so great on the ‘ole running fing.” He and a few nodded, his mouth was so stuffed with glottals I found it hard to understand. Why couldn’t he just speak in RP?
“I tell you wha’. Bit of explanation whilst we’re all waiting to breath again.” This one seemed Northern, slightly Yorkshire accent? It was hard to tell. “We’re like the, the evil side of all those perfect people o’er there. Aye, you may think it’s strange, but the Evil’s gotta go somewhere, ent it?”
I nodded at this new one, what did they call them? Lekurs?
Another took a puff of the cigarette, and his face made it look like it was heaven. “All the evil thoughts in each of those people haff to go somewhere, starting with the accents.” Oh no, Somerset? Almost as bad as the people from Dudley- can’t understand a word! “So basically, we just live in the woods waiting for unsuspecting tourists to wander in for us to eat.”
“You eat… humans? The people on this planet are cannibals?” I near-whispered through fear, cold sweat accumulating on my back and soaking through my uniform.
“Well no, but we gotta eat somewhere!” This one chortled and the others started roaring, bad breath going everywhere.
“Tell you what, we’ve been damn hungry, not many tourists in these ‘ere parts I can tell ye!” Another replied.
“Oh thanks for the fag, mate.” Brandonna scratched her head and turned her gaze back on me. “Right, you can start running again.”
After a millisecond of gaping at these creatures, I started to run, it being really hard due to the ground surface. After a few seconds I came to a clearing and I screeched to a halt, having almost run of the face of the earth. This planet was flat… the land seeming to just peter out as if someone really couldn’t be bothered to finish. I glanced back at the horde of Lekurs crawling in on me, saliva dripping from the teeth onto the ground.
Pat.
Pat.
Pat.
They were so close I could smell the breath. Let me give you some idea of the smell. Imagine when you throw up in your socks 3 times, and then put them on, have a game of football and then throw up in them again, stand in a pile of dung for 3 years and then throw up in them again, and you have some idea of how bad this breath was. There was no way these Lekurs could get a date- they must be so sexually frustrated. Eurgh; erase these thoughts Lacey. Damn you, you’re about to die and you’re thinking about the sex life of a hideous beast…
“STOP!” The Lekurs, and myself included flicked round to hear where this came from.
I almost melted into my shoes, my saviour… Nolan! Brave as anyone I’ve ever met before, standing up for me against these evil creatures. He was stood there, akimbo, a determined look on his face… hiding the adorable fleeting look in his eyes. The Lekurs’ eyes flashed sadistically at the intruder, and I prayed that he would be okay.
They were going to kill him. But more importantly, once he’s dead, they’ll kill me! I tried to find some way to get around the army. I padded quietly around the group of slathering creatures as Nolan started on a speech about civil rights or something and fortunately distracted their attention.
My thoughts sat briefly on the idea of saving Nolan’s life, like he had mine, but quickly moved on. C’mon, we’ve already rocked the boat once; I don’t think that God will let us both live! I picked up speed and ran into the forest I had come from, expertly missing roots and low hanging branches.
After a large amount of time I arrived back at the town and collapsed into my bed, absolutely knackered. The amount of calories I must have burned off! I have to monitor food carefully so I don’t become one of those way-too-skinny emo boys.
As the sun finally rose, probing it’s way through my polycarbonate windows (which can survive a 2 megaton blast) I sat up with a start.
I realised precisely what I did! I left my darling Nolan all alone in the woods with creatures that would have killed him by the morning because he had saved my life. Alas, I buried myself further into my duvet and pushed the frog away from my head.
As Lazzara happens to have a habit of not walking through a door, but smashing into it, therefore disrupting peace in a 3 galaxy radius, I had no surprise when I watched him physically run through the door, wood smashing everywhere, letting out a massive scream of pain. I watched him, from underneath my duvet, sprawl around on the floor, clutching a toe and screaming blue murder. I think it was fair to say that I was fully awake.
“Lazzara, get out of my room! What on Planet Faluga are you doing? Can’t you see I’m depressed?” I growled, trying to give him an evil look.
“Captain Lacey!” He sprung up from the floor and bounded over me, I retracted into my duvet in a way of protection. “Captain Lacey, are you awake?”
I tried rolling my eyes, but then realised he couldn’t see. I clambered out from under the covers and gave him a withering look, and then rolled my eyes again.
“Wake up Captain! It’s an emergency!” He said again, reaching out to shake me by the shoulder.
I recoiled immediately and yelled, “How stupid ARE you? You’ve proved my whole theory that in fact your brain is made up of fluff from Saturn. I am awake, and if you come any closer I will get a restraining order.”
He processed this for a moment, his slow brain piecing together the string of words, hoping to get some sort of message from it. He shrugged it off after a while, probably realising that it would take 3 more hours or so to work out and squealed, “Nolan is gone! He went out and left the bed oh-so cold, said he had to save you…” He stared, his bug eyes leering and his mouth hanging open unattractively.
“It’s ok, Lazzara, he had to get eaten by Lekurs so that your good Captain could stay alive. It was a risk I was willing to take, and unfortunately he is no longer alive,” I suddenly got filled with a great bit of pity, “We can go out and try and find his mangled bones the Lekurs used to clean their teeth with after feasting on his flesh if you would like.”
He looked dumbfounded and then shook his head as if he was shaking off some annoying ShooFly, “Are you sure they are going to eat him and not just use him in some sort of sacrificial context?”
I pondered this thought for a moment, and leapt out of bed. “What if they are? To celebrate the rising of their god, Gates! I think you should go and rescue him!” I cheered and then ushered him out of the room, shutting the door behind him and clambering back into bed.
I rested into my depressed stupor at the loss of someone I love, the only person I have ever loved. I sobbed violently into my pillow, accidentally flinging the bottle of peroxide at my resident sheep in the process. Oh why had fate been so cruel to take my Nolan away from me?
Chapter One| Chapter Two|Chapter Three
Chapter Four: Applied Physics: Hand me that sausage
Still tossing and turning, thanks to that image of Lazzara salivating on Nolan’s neck, I heard the hour bird CAW outside my window and then promptly explode with an, “Oh I say…”
This planet was getting weirder and weirder.
I got up, deciding to go for a walk in this perfect town. Maybe I could find some hardcore chicks and have some drinks and then some blowjobs. That would be nice; try and get me over Nolan.
I quickly got changed into my flattering Lacey uniform and flexed a little in the mirrors. Well, you can’t blame me for finding myself so damn hot. If I carry on like this I may have to relieve myself in the Pentium Hoseathon shower.
Stepping outside into the cool air I watched my breath cloud in front of me and shivered. Not that I was cold, but it was… different. As if something else was hanging over this town. I shrugged it off when some movements and sounds from the above window reminded me of why I need to sack Lazzara.
I started off on the path, meandering through the woods that appeared to glare at me. Maybe my being here was truly screwing up the way this planet works. No, I am a deity in disguise as an ordinary human being, the only person known to screw things up indefinitely would be Lazzara. Only one more night before a Borbanx comes and escorts me back to Overlord Oberst, who will trap me in a good for nothing, low paid menial labour type job, which we usually get the Helufas to do, and the last chance I see Nolan. I am slightly trapped, in that I love him so much, yes I must admit I really think I love him, and hate him for choosing Lazzara. What has Lazzara got that I don’t have? Other than silly hair that he will never cut, no matter how many times I ask. Alas, I will never find out.
I heard a rustle in the bushes near me and I stared at the shrubbery, which sneezed out a strange, flat, yellow disc. Looking closer, I watched legs start to form and it grew and grew in front of me, it’s disc face mutating into giant, slobbering teeth, and wild, red eyes. It roared and I almost kacked myself. But I wouldn’t have done that, as I am a respectable gentlemen and unclean pants means squishiness and smelliness for a while.
I tore through the woods, just hoping to get away from this foul creature, knowing that not paying attention to where I was headed would only turn into an inevitable lost scene.
I ran out of breath, and had to stand for a few moments to stop wheezing- it’s so unsavoury, what if Nolan walked round the corner and saw me in this state? My lungs were straining and I was in serious pain, my breathing coming out as irregular gasps. I clutched at my heart, good lord! I was having a heart attack! But I am too young and attractive!
I looked up and saw a small group of these horrible things in front of me, 3 bushes sneezing as I stood in awe. Each was slightly different, each with a different smirk plastered on their yellow, sweaty faces.
“Wait… there…” One of them wheezed, and it sounded strangely like Brandonna- only with a husky, evil voice, “Hand me that cigarette, Turner.”
I watched in silence, my mouth gaping unattractively as another passed the creature a cigarette and a lighter.
“What’s… going… on?” I squeaked, my bladder feeling weirdly full.
“Sorry mate,” The one called Turner said, “Just haff to catch a breafer. ‘Aven’t fully introduced meself ‘av I, nor this lot?” He was… a Londoner? “Well, we are the Lekurs. Evil reincarnated- forged by the great Lord Gates in the cess pit of doom, but not so great on the ‘ole running fing.” He and a few nodded, his mouth was so stuffed with glottals I found it hard to understand. Why couldn’t he just speak in RP?
“I tell you wha’. Bit of explanation whilst we’re all waiting to breath again.” This one seemed Northern, slightly Yorkshire accent? It was hard to tell. “We’re like the, the evil side of all those perfect people o’er there. Aye, you may think it’s strange, but the Evil’s gotta go somewhere, ent it?”
I nodded at this new one, what did they call them? Lekurs?
Another took a puff of the cigarette, and his face made it look like it was heaven. “All the evil thoughts in each of those people haff to go somewhere, starting with the accents.” Oh no, Somerset? Almost as bad as the people from Dudley- can’t understand a word! “So basically, we just live in the woods waiting for unsuspecting tourists to wander in for us to eat.”
“You eat… humans? The people on this planet are cannibals?” I near-whispered through fear, cold sweat accumulating on my back and soaking through my uniform.
“Well no, but we gotta eat somewhere!” This one chortled and the others started roaring, bad breath going everywhere.
“Tell you what, we’ve been damn hungry, not many tourists in these ‘ere parts I can tell ye!” Another replied.
“Oh thanks for the fag, mate.” Brandonna scratched her head and turned her gaze back on me. “Right, you can start running again.”
After a millisecond of gaping at these creatures, I started to run, it being really hard due to the ground surface. After a few seconds I came to a clearing and I screeched to a halt, having almost run of the face of the earth. This planet was flat… the land seeming to just peter out as if someone really couldn’t be bothered to finish. I glanced back at the horde of Lekurs crawling in on me, saliva dripping from the teeth onto the ground.
Pat.
Pat.
Pat.
They were so close I could smell the breath. Let me give you some idea of the smell. Imagine when you throw up in your socks 3 times, and then put them on, have a game of football and then throw up in them again, stand in a pile of dung for 3 years and then throw up in them again, and you have some idea of how bad this breath was. There was no way these Lekurs could get a date- they must be so sexually frustrated. Eurgh; erase these thoughts Lacey. Damn you, you’re about to die and you’re thinking about the sex life of a hideous beast…
“STOP!” The Lekurs, and myself included flicked round to hear where this came from.
I almost melted into my shoes, my saviour… Nolan! Brave as anyone I’ve ever met before, standing up for me against these evil creatures. He was stood there, akimbo, a determined look on his face… hiding the adorable fleeting look in his eyes. The Lekurs’ eyes flashed sadistically at the intruder, and I prayed that he would be okay.
They were going to kill him. But more importantly, once he’s dead, they’ll kill me! I tried to find some way to get around the army. I padded quietly around the group of slathering creatures as Nolan started on a speech about civil rights or something and fortunately distracted their attention.
My thoughts sat briefly on the idea of saving Nolan’s life, like he had mine, but quickly moved on. C’mon, we’ve already rocked the boat once; I don’t think that God will let us both live! I picked up speed and ran into the forest I had come from, expertly missing roots and low hanging branches.
After a large amount of time I arrived back at the town and collapsed into my bed, absolutely knackered. The amount of calories I must have burned off! I have to monitor food carefully so I don’t become one of those way-too-skinny emo boys.
As the sun finally rose, probing it’s way through my polycarbonate windows (which can survive a 2 megaton blast) I sat up with a start.
I realised precisely what I did! I left my darling Nolan all alone in the woods with creatures that would have killed him by the morning because he had saved my life. Alas, I buried myself further into my duvet and pushed the frog away from my head.
As Lazzara happens to have a habit of not walking through a door, but smashing into it, therefore disrupting peace in a 3 galaxy radius, I had no surprise when I watched him physically run through the door, wood smashing everywhere, letting out a massive scream of pain. I watched him, from underneath my duvet, sprawl around on the floor, clutching a toe and screaming blue murder. I think it was fair to say that I was fully awake.
“Lazzara, get out of my room! What on Planet Faluga are you doing? Can’t you see I’m depressed?” I growled, trying to give him an evil look.
“Captain Lacey!” He sprung up from the floor and bounded over me, I retracted into my duvet in a way of protection. “Captain Lacey, are you awake?”
I tried rolling my eyes, but then realised he couldn’t see. I clambered out from under the covers and gave him a withering look, and then rolled my eyes again.
“Wake up Captain! It’s an emergency!” He said again, reaching out to shake me by the shoulder.
I recoiled immediately and yelled, “How stupid ARE you? You’ve proved my whole theory that in fact your brain is made up of fluff from Saturn. I am awake, and if you come any closer I will get a restraining order.”
He processed this for a moment, his slow brain piecing together the string of words, hoping to get some sort of message from it. He shrugged it off after a while, probably realising that it would take 3 more hours or so to work out and squealed, “Nolan is gone! He went out and left the bed oh-so cold, said he had to save you…” He stared, his bug eyes leering and his mouth hanging open unattractively.
“It’s ok, Lazzara, he had to get eaten by Lekurs so that your good Captain could stay alive. It was a risk I was willing to take, and unfortunately he is no longer alive,” I suddenly got filled with a great bit of pity, “We can go out and try and find his mangled bones the Lekurs used to clean their teeth with after feasting on his flesh if you would like.”
He looked dumbfounded and then shook his head as if he was shaking off some annoying ShooFly, “Are you sure they are going to eat him and not just use him in some sort of sacrificial context?”
I pondered this thought for a moment, and leapt out of bed. “What if they are? To celebrate the rising of their god, Gates! I think you should go and rescue him!” I cheered and then ushered him out of the room, shutting the door behind him and clambering back into bed.
I rested into my depressed stupor at the loss of someone I love, the only person I have ever loved. I sobbed violently into my pillow, accidentally flinging the bottle of peroxide at my resident sheep in the process. Oh why had fate been so cruel to take my Nolan away from me?