(no subject)
As I started writing this, a bolt of lightning lit up the sky, and the thunder followed. The weather outside is depressing, gloomy and angry, and I cant help but feel that it is the death rattle of 2006 as the son of a bitch gets dragged kicking and screaming into the good night.
Its safe to say that I havent liked 2006. In fact, its safe to say that it is the most throwaway, pointless year I have spent on this earth. I look back on this year and have no accomplishments, no great change to be proud of. Personal growth in this year has been forced through negativity, the person I had to become to tolerate that which as been taken from me, or was never given. And therein lies my great argument with the world and myself: Change. See, somewhere in my head, "change" is something akin to "defeat." I've always done my best to stick to my beliefs: I try not to kiss a girl I'm not interested in, because whats the point? I wont have sex till I love someone, for much the same reason. I make my mistakes and I sort them out for myself. I feel bad, I bottle it up because somewhere in my head, something is telling me that i'll be a better person for going it alone. The logical part tells me thats utter nonsense, but somehow I cant believe it even though I know its true. I dont always stick to everything I just said, and I hate when that happens.Changing anything I've just said would feel like a defeat, and I am a terrible, terrible loser.
Where I get confused is the difference between change and progress, in knowing how far I can be flexible without breaking. I've always been a bit of an idealist. A stupidly hopeful idealist actually. Compromise was never something I'd consider, because I just thought that as long as I stuck to my guns all the way, I'd be fine. Enough hard work, enough willpower, enough intelligent thought, and I could achieve anything. Persistance was everything. I was talking to a friend yesterday, and essentially just ranted about everything thats been annoying me lately. See, the girl I liked doesnt want what I want. I thought I'd go along with it anyway. "its not how you work sudge" I was told. "then maybe its time I changed how I work" I replied, and then stopped in horror at the very implication. Why should I change?
Because quite simply, if I'm not changing, I'm standing still. Change doesnt have to be bad, not just because it was this year. I can be better. Being a different type of Stephen isnt the same as not being Stephen anymore. I wont get through next year by staying the same as I've been.
And so, this brings me to the new year. a 6 will change to a 7. People always put things off till the new year. Quitting smoking. Going to the gym. I appear to have put off personal growth, and thats just ridiculous. However, as a good friend said to me today, the New Year is a perfect time for new beginnings. 2007 is coming, and I dont intend to let it walk all over me like its little brother just did. I got my ass kicked this year, I really did, and I didnt see it coming. I'm still scraping by at uni, I'm still in the same crappy job, I'm still single, I'm still exactly where I was last year. But I'm still here, and as I've learned recently, thats all the matters.
Ok Universe, round 2. This time its personal.
ding ding.
Its safe to say that I havent liked 2006. In fact, its safe to say that it is the most throwaway, pointless year I have spent on this earth. I look back on this year and have no accomplishments, no great change to be proud of. Personal growth in this year has been forced through negativity, the person I had to become to tolerate that which as been taken from me, or was never given. And therein lies my great argument with the world and myself: Change. See, somewhere in my head, "change" is something akin to "defeat." I've always done my best to stick to my beliefs: I try not to kiss a girl I'm not interested in, because whats the point? I wont have sex till I love someone, for much the same reason. I make my mistakes and I sort them out for myself. I feel bad, I bottle it up because somewhere in my head, something is telling me that i'll be a better person for going it alone. The logical part tells me thats utter nonsense, but somehow I cant believe it even though I know its true. I dont always stick to everything I just said, and I hate when that happens.Changing anything I've just said would feel like a defeat, and I am a terrible, terrible loser.
Where I get confused is the difference between change and progress, in knowing how far I can be flexible without breaking. I've always been a bit of an idealist. A stupidly hopeful idealist actually. Compromise was never something I'd consider, because I just thought that as long as I stuck to my guns all the way, I'd be fine. Enough hard work, enough willpower, enough intelligent thought, and I could achieve anything. Persistance was everything. I was talking to a friend yesterday, and essentially just ranted about everything thats been annoying me lately. See, the girl I liked doesnt want what I want. I thought I'd go along with it anyway. "its not how you work sudge" I was told. "then maybe its time I changed how I work" I replied, and then stopped in horror at the very implication. Why should I change?
Because quite simply, if I'm not changing, I'm standing still. Change doesnt have to be bad, not just because it was this year. I can be better. Being a different type of Stephen isnt the same as not being Stephen anymore. I wont get through next year by staying the same as I've been.
And so, this brings me to the new year. a 6 will change to a 7. People always put things off till the new year. Quitting smoking. Going to the gym. I appear to have put off personal growth, and thats just ridiculous. However, as a good friend said to me today, the New Year is a perfect time for new beginnings. 2007 is coming, and I dont intend to let it walk all over me like its little brother just did. I got my ass kicked this year, I really did, and I didnt see it coming. I'm still scraping by at uni, I'm still in the same crappy job, I'm still single, I'm still exactly where I was last year. But I'm still here, and as I've learned recently, thats all the matters.
Ok Universe, round 2. This time its personal.
ding ding.