Family Matters: Chapter Two
Chapter 2
Harry quickly stepped to the side and grabbed the nearest heavy object. As the flames flared again, he brought it down hard, striking Tonks hard enough to knock her out. Poor Tonks. :( He quickly checked to make sure he hadn’t killed her, and ran his things up to his usual dormitory. He grabbed his cloak and his map and ran for the portrait. He told the Fat Lady to get Madame Pomfrey to the Common Room as fast as she could. He was trapped in a badfic and couldn't escape!
He, on the other hand, ran for the statue of the humpbacked witch and headed into Hogsmeade. In the tunnel, just before Honeyduke’s, he put the cloak on and then exited. This is about as thrilling as a list of income tax deductions. Quickly making it to the Shrieking Shack, he was amused to discover that his suspicions were right - this had been used by members of the Order. WHEN DID THAT HAPPEN? WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON HERE? I don’t like it, but it’s the only place I can go right now. He tossed the Floo powder into the fireplace and headed for HELL Diagon Alley.
Once there, he headed straight for the ninth circle, where he belonged Gringott’s, where he withdrew roughly three thousand Galleons. Back up front, he exchanged half of it for Muggle money, and headed out the door. A few minutes later he was on the streets of Muggle London and searching for a prostitute telephone.
It was when he found one that he realized that he didn’t know the telephone number he wanted to call. Mentally crossing his fingers, he called directory assistance. “I need the number for a dentist office. I don’t know the city, but the name is Granger.” A moment later, he had the number and was dialling it. OH WOW THIS IS SO THRILLING I AM ON THE EDGE OF MY SEAT, KINSFIRE. YOU ARE A MASTER OF SUSPENSE.
“Doctors Granger dentists, may I help you?” came a pretty voice on the line.
“I hope so. I need to speak with one of the doctors. I have a bad cavity! I’m a friend of their daughter. The name is Harry Potter.”
“Just a moment.” He heard the ubiquitous hold music for about a minute, and then a voice came on the line.
“Harry?” The voice was female, and sounded a lot like Hermione, but was also obviously more mature. Of course! Even her VOICE is just like Suemione's. “Helen Granger. What’s happened?”
“Can’t really talk, since I don’t know who’s looking for me. Well, the Sue Assassins are definitely on your trail. I hope you enjoy DEATH! I just wanted you not to worry, since Hermione will be receiving an … a letter from me in my usual manner, any time now. It’s probably going to scare the hell out of her. I wanted to let you know that I’m all right, so that you can reassure her. Women are so SILLY, always worrying about things!”
“Good god, what happened, Harry?” the woman breathed into the phone. “Wanna have phone sex? Hmm, I think your letter just arrived. Hermione’s on the other line, frantic. Points for not using "hysterical" there. If you had, I would have been forced to beat you over the head with a preserved uterus. Hang on ….” A click or two happened, and then he could hear Hermione’s sexy breathing. “Hermione? You're a phone sex operator too?”
“Mum? We have to figure something out to help Harry! He’s turning into a classic AngstyStu! in trouble, he’s bleeding, and …”
“… and he’s on the phone at the moment,” Harry said with a smile. “I’m fine, Hermione. I just wanted to get Hedwig to you while she was still alive, and I knew that if she showed up with no note, you’d worry even more than from the note that I sent.”
“Where are you?” she asked frantically. “Why is there a bloody hand print on that note?”
“For extra drama, of course! Can’t say. The Order may be hunting me as we speak. Hunting? What the ever-loving fuck is going on here? Which Harry Potter books did Kinsfire read? There really IS a secret Harmonian edition, isn't there! I swear to you, Hermione - I am not going back to the Dursleys ever again.”
“Any hints you can give us, son?” Helen Granger asked.
“Well, I’m two blocks west and two blocks south of the street I do my shopping on, but you’d turn the city upside down trying to find me, probably.” He carefully stressed the words upside down, hoping that one of them was clever enough to figure it out. Well, I'm pretty sure a braindead monkey could have figured that out. This is dumber than Neil's attempts at writing prophecies. What am I saying? This is Hermione we’re talking about.
“Got it,” Helen said. “We’re leaving the office almost immediately. Caught us just before we left for the holiday with Hermione. Tell you what. We’ll drive over and pick you up and figure out where to go from there, okay? It should take us half an hour, but if we have to turn the city upside down,” she said, carefully stressing the same words, “it should be double that.” She carefully stressed the word double. “You understand me?” THIS IS SO STUPID. AND IT'S NOT LATE ENOUGH TO START DRINKING YET.
Harry breathed a quiet sigh of relief. “Yes, yes I do. Thanks. I'll stay in plain view out here, since the only ones I have to worry about working in broad daylight are the Riddle gang." I HATE YOU MORE THAN I HATE NEIL, KINSFIRE. He heard a sharp intake of breath from Hermione. "Don't worry, Hermione. I'll be okay."
"We'll see you in a while, Harry," Helen Granger said. "Hang loose, dude tight."
Harry hung up the phone and looked for somewhere to stand. He almost fainted with happiness when a minivan pulled up in front of him almost exactly fifteen minutes later. "Harry?" said a woman leaning out the window, holding an Uzi. It was a Sue Assassin, who had been able to decode Harry's pathetic attempts at hiding his location. Harry was filled with bullets and died painfully. THE END.
Harry was startled. He'd seen Hermione's parents before, but had never looked at them. He was staring at Hermione's older sister, for all he knew. THIS IS WORSE THAN THE STUPID THING WITH JAMIE-SUE. Honestly, the only way I would be ok with this was if it turned out that Hermione was a clone. "Mrs. Granger? Right on time."
"Come on over, Harry. Let's get you out of those pants here." He was in the vehicle in record time. As they started to drive off, he looked behind the vehicle. "No one I could see while I was there waiting. With luck, they assumed that I was speaking the truth, so they're looking at a place about eight blocks away for me. I'm just glad that you understood what I was saying. May have been a stupid code, but it worked."
"It wasn't stupid - it was thinking on your feet. Literally." She turned around and saw that Harry was blinking tiredly. "You lay down on the seat in the back, and I'll make a man out of you we'll wake you when we get to the house."
He was asleep in moments.
---
He awoke as the vehicle slowed down and made a sharp turn into a dark area, and he heard a motor grinding. "Mrs. Granger," who was actually a Sue Assassin, pulled into a deserted alley and murdered him. He also heard Hermione come running out to the minivan, and with a grin that would have warned the Weasley twins what he was thinking, that makes no sense he slid the invisibility cloak over his penis himself.
"Mum! Did you find him? Is he okay?" she was asking, the worry evident in her voice.
Wow, she sounds scared! I didn't mean to worry her that much. I'd better not prank her, then. He sat up and pulled the cloak off, and grinned at her. She squealed, opened the door and yanked him out of the vehicle, trying to pull his arms out of their sockets him into a hug. Unfortunately for him, he wasn't prepared for this, so he ended up tripping and forcing her to the floor, where he ended up laying on top of her. HA HA HA HA THAT IS SO FUNNY OMG I CANNOT STOP LAUGHING.
He blinked in surprise at the sudden removal from the vehicle, and then at the surprise of where he was. He became suddenly embarrassed, since for the first time, all her pleasantly soft spots Yeah...that just makes it sound like Hermione's a mushy apple that he was currently pressing against reminded him that his school chum was a woman, not merely a girl, and he started to react to that. He rolled off her quickly, blushing furiously, and got to his feet. He held out his hand to help her to her to her feet.
She pulled him into a tight hug, reminding him again how pleasantly curvy she was. Pleasantly curvy? What's next, is Harry going to remark that she's got "curves in all the right places" or something? Might as well, seeing as how you're about one square away from winning Suemione cliche bingo. She's my best friend. Actually, Ron is your best friend. Don't ruin that by finally admitting that you'd really like to … no! He returned the hug, fighting the urge to kiss her and enjoying the smell of her hair. "Hmm, lavender," he murmured. So unoriginal. My shampoo smells like snozzberries.
She stiffened and ended the hug. As the hug broke, she looked vaguely hurt. "Let's get inside."
He blinked at her for a moment. "Okay, but please explain to me when we're in there what stupid thing I did this time. I'm always hurting your feelings, and you don't do that to your friends."
They got inside. "Why'd you call me Lavender?" she asked as she led him to the couch.
He looked at her for a moment, trying to think what she was talking about. "Oh!" he said suddenly. "I was talking about the smell of your hair! I wasn't calling you Lavender; I was mentioning the smell that your shampoo left behind. There's lavender oils in it. OH PLEASE, KINSFIRE, TELL US MORE ABOUT HERMIONE'S SHAMPOO! DOES SHE USE LEAVE-IN CONDITIONER THAT SMELLS LIKE MORNING DEW AS WELL?"
She blushed. "I'm sorry, Harry. You have a horrible summer, and the only thing I can do when I first see you is misunderstand you."
"I think I can understand your reaction, though. Here I am holding a pretty girl, and the only thing you hear me say is something that sounds like another girl's name. Understandable misunderstanding. Not really. I hate you both. I'm just glad that's all it was. I've done too much before to hurt you before, and I'm going to make an effort to stop that. You don't hurt your best friend if you can avoid it." He shuddered as the image of her falling at the Department of Mysteries flashed through his mind. Riiiight. Because THAT was his primary concern at the DoM. Not, you know, SIRIUS BEING DEAD OR ANYTHING.
"Harry, I'm okay. I'm down to one potion a day for the next two days, and then I'm done. My transformation into a Super Sue will be complete! I'm alive, and I'm here."
"No thanks to Captain Oblivious," he grumbled at himself.
"Harry, you were doing what you thought was the right thing."
"Yes, ignoring the advice of my far more intelligent best friend, which led to me leading five other friends and a number of other people into a trap that killed someone who had gotten out of prison to save my life. Hell of a way to repay him, huh?" He leaned forward on the couch and started to cry. Eurgh. This is horrible.
---
Kinsfire rewrites the past several paragraphs from Hermione's point of view. No, I am not joking. Yes, it is every bit as terrible as it sounds. Who knew that Hermione was secretly a giggly ten-year-old on crack?
Helen Granger had a calculating look on her face. “If you don’t mind, I think we should take you to one of our hospitals first, and get this fully documented. Then we go to St. Mungo’s and heal you up properly. We deal with the authorities to get the animals who did this to you put away.” OK...but then how is Harry going to be protected? You know, that thing that made it necessary for Harry to stay with the Dursleys? Oh well. Can't let a pesky little thing like canon stand in the way of Harry/Hermione sex!
Hermione saw that her mother had tears in her eyes. “Mum? Can we kill him, please? Maybe then we can escape this nightmare of a fic…”
“I was going to suggest that myself, dear. First, let’s get him bundled up in this plastic wrap so he slowly suffocates and to the hospital.”
“Excuse me, but what’s being talked about here?” Harry asked. “I’m a little tired of others making my decisions for me.”
“I’m sorry, Harry dear. We’re talking about taking you in until you’re ready to be on your own. Sort of a foster son, if you will.” She looked at her daughter with amusement. “Actually trying to adopt you might cause some problems for our daughter,” she finished with a smile. I'm not sure the system would look to kindly on foster siblings boinking, either.
Ignoring Harry’s confused look, Hermione said, “I just wish that it were next year. Then you’ll be seventeen, and can tell them what to do with themselves.”
Douglas Granger looked up with interest. “You’re sixteen, Harry?”
“I will be on the thirty-first. Why?”
Hermione’s father grinned. “Because if we start the paperwork now, Harry, you can be considered an emancipated minor on your birthday. "Harry Potter and the Paperwork of Doom" With those bruises and cuts and burns, we can make a good case for your freedom from your guardians. How would you like to be master of your own fate?”
Harry blinked at the man for several moments. In the span of two minutes of talking to a boy he’d never really met before, he’d done more for him in just offering such an option than anyone else had ever done for him before. Really? More than, say, YOUR MOTHER DYING TO SAVE YOU? “I don’t know, sir. I don’t know anything about living on my own.”
Helen Granger grinned. “You can stay with us as long as you’d like, while you learn. That admission shows a level of maturity some never reach.” Like the maturity he showed when he trashed the Dursleys' house?
The pain came crashing in on him again, and he winced. Without thinking, he turned his gaze to Hermione, his face calmed, and he began to relax. Hermione: better than painkillers! “Thank you,” he said. “I never say that enough, if ever, Hermione. Thank you for being my friend. Thank you for being you.”
Her hand shot to her chest. “You’re … umm, you’re welcome, I guess.” She could feel her heart pounding in her chest. Does he have any idea just how that sounded to me? “Let’s get you to the hospital.”
---
So...Tonks and Harry make up. Harry disses Ron and Mrs. Weasley, but not Ginny. He calls Voldemort "mouldy Voldie" in a pathetic attempt at humor.
Kingsley and Tonks nodded, Tonks gently squeezing his shoulder, before leaving. She had stealthily injected him with a lethal poison. Harry grabbed her hand and gave it a quick squeeze before she could pull away, and she smiled sincerely at him. Once they were out of the room, he looked at the police again. “Could I have my friend in here while you interview me? This is the kind of thing that I want her to know, and it’ll actually make it easier, I think, than trying to describe this all to someone I don’t know.”
“Unorthodox, but it shouldn’t be a problem.” One of them went to the door, then turned around. “Which sister is it?”
“Thank you dear!” came Helen’s voice from out in the hall. “I’m her mother.” HOLY CRAP NOT THIS AGAIN WHYYYYYYYY
“Actually, let all three of them in. I think they need to hear this as well, since they’ve offered to keep an eye on me for the summer.”
The interview happened fairly quickly. Harry had a good idea of what he could and could not say to the police. His Hogwarts education was quickly chalked up to a legacy scholarship from his father and mother, who had died in an automobile accident in 1981. The wounds, however, were carefully and painfully catalogued in words, and Hermione kept crying silently through the interview. Eurgh. I really, really, hate this fic.
Harry could tell, as they talked, that the police were chalking up the hatred the Dursleys had for him to a dislike for his father. As the interview concluded, the police looked at the Granger family and asked to speak to the parents in the hall, leaving Hermione and Harry in the room alone.
Sniffling, she asked, "How did you get to be so wonderful, with an upbringing like that?"
He laughed quietly. "Have you been hitting some of the medications here? Me, wonderful? Canon Harry IS wonderful. This version, however, needs to DIE. That's your worry speaking, Hermione. Tell me that tomorrow after the worry has died down and maybe I'll believe you." She looked ready to cry again, and his face fell.
"How can you be friends with someone who hurts your feelings like I seem to be doing?" he asked, looking at his left hand and intentionally flexing it, against the doctor's orders. WHAT THE FUCKING FUCK? "OH NO I HAVE INADVERTENTLY HURT ST SUEMIONE'S FEELINGS! I MUST NOW INFLICT PAIN ON MYSELF SO THAT SHE WILL FORGIVE ME AND LET ME GAZE UPON HER BOOBIES OF SAINTLINESS."
"Harry, this summer has been hell for you. I am not going to worry if you say something that bothers me. So...if someone's had a rough time of it, they can treat you like shit and that's ok? That's messed up. And I'm sorry that I'm hurting you."
"I'll worry about it. You don't insult someone you lo … like a lot on a regular basis. I want to know when I'm doing it. Maybe someday I can be a normal person, with your help." Huh. I thought Harry was pretty normal. But then again, we've established that this Stu bears NO resemblance to CanonHarry.
"I don't think I'd be fond of a normal Harry. I've gotten addicted to the adventure of being your friend," she laughed. Really? I don't see Hermione as the adrenaline-junkie-type.
"Addicted to being put in mortal danger on a regular basis, just because you're my friend. You were almost killed because of me, Hermione. Twice. I'm dangerous to know."
"Tough," she said, leaning over and hugging him. "You can't get rid of me that easily, Harry Potter. I'm with you until the end."
He felt himself stiffen slightly. There's no way she could mean that the way I wish she did. At least I've got her as a friend. WAH WAH WAH FUCKING WAH.
She separated from him and back up slightly, still leaning over him, smiling. His eyes slid, unbidden, from her face down to the view afforded him now. He could see quite a lot of the curve of her breasts. I can even see her nip … He turned a brilliant shade of red and wrenched his eyes up and began to count the holes in the ceiling tiles. Jesus, I'm going to blush every time I see her from now on. She's gonna slap me any second now, when she realizes what I saw. Hey, she can't slap you if you HAVE NO FACE! TASTE MY FLAMETHROWER, BITCH.
He was surprised to hear her chuckle and say mischievously, "See something you like, Harry?" He looked back at her in shock, and was surprised to see that she hadn't changed her position. Wow. Even the reviewers noted that Hermione is REALLY out of character here.
He carefully locked his eyes on hers and said, "I am sorry, Hermione. I hadn't intended …."
"I haven't moved, have I? If it weren't for your blush, I wouldn't have known that you'd seen them. If it makes you feel better, then look at them. Feel the healing power of BOOBIES! I know it's not how I act at school, but …"
He interrupted by gently pushing her shoulders up so that the view was no longer evident. "Hermione, I'm a fifteen year old boy. If I have a chance at a view like that one, I'm not going to be able to carry on a coherent conversation with you." He took a deep breath. "I treasure our conversations and our friendship. I'm not going to jeopardize that. You are my best friend, and I will not take advantage of you that way. If I ever take you for granted, I want you to tell me. You mean too much to me for me to abuse you like that." OH, JUST BONE ALREADY, YOU HORNY SIMPLETONS. He smiled a tired smile. "Before you worry whether or not I liked what I was seeing, remember that I pushed you away so that I could be coherent." He blushed furiously. "What I could see looked very pretty."
Her eyes sparkled with unshed tears. SUEMIONE, YOU ARE MORE WEEPY THAN EMMA WATSON WAS IN THE GOF MOVIE. "Thank you, Harry. Would you like to go to sleep now?"
"I am tired. What time is it?"
She looked at her wristwatch. "TIME TO DIE! Almost nine PM. I expect they'll call to end …"
She was interrupted by the intercom saying, "Visiting hours are now over."
"We'll be back tomorrow, Harry." She leaned back over slowly, keeping her chin up for a moment before she bent her neck and kissed his cheek. "Hope you enjoyed the view. This story is giving me the creeps. Have a good night."
He smiled. "I will now," he said before she left the room. Boobies: better than sleeping pills. He slept soundly dreaming of the bright smile she flashed him as she left the room. Yeah. Her "smile." Suuuure.
Chapter 1 ~ Table of Contents ~ Chapter 3