Family Matters: Chapter Twenty
After a VERY long hiatus, I'm back! Sorry about that, but for the past three months, I've had some pretty bad morning sickness, and Kinsfire was the last thing I needed for that. But I'm finally feeling better and have some energy, so we are good to go! The next fic I've selected for sporking when I finish this abomination will be much less painful (fingers crossed).
Chapter XX
As the beam struck Harry, he felt such intense pain that he greyed out. What? I'm going to imagine Harry being black and white from here on in. It was only Hermione's scream that forced him back to consciousness. Steadying himself against the edge of his worktable, he could only watch as she fell forward, stabbed by the katanas of a thousand Sue Assassins. She stopped herself with her hands for a moment, but she was obviously weak. Her arms trembled and gave way as she slumped forward, passing out across the table.
Malfoy laughed and clapped his hands. “Oh, very nicely done. You should be on the stage, really!”
"Sit up, Miss Granger. Enough of your melodramatics," Snape snarled. GO SNAPE!
Harry stood and walked over to her, holding himself erect Ew, Harry, not in the middle of class! with the precision of a drunken man who knows he will fall if he is not careful.
"Sit down right now, Potter!"
Harry ignored the teacher and checked her carefully. Pulse, yes, thank God. Breathing, yes. Skin, pale and clammy. Going into shock? Eyes half-open, mouth gaping. Ah, she's finally realized that she's in a Kinsfire fic. Harry realized he was regaining control of his own body now, able to lean over without losing his balance.
"Fifty points from Gryffindor for disobeying a professor!"
Harry continued to ignore him, instead stepping around the worktable and picking her up. "I'm taking her to the hospital wing, Professor Snape," he said through clenched teeth. "You will not stop me." Ok, Snape's a mean bastard, but he would send an obviously ill student to the hospital wing.
“I don’t think so, Potter,” said Snape, levelling his wand at Harry again. “I’m used to the histrionics of students wishing to avoid class work. Put her down. And for the love of God, put your penis away!”
"Fuck you, Snape," Harry said, drawing a gasp from everyone in the room. "I am taking her to the hospital wing, and the only way you are going to stop me is by killing me. I've survived your lord and master four times, I sure as hell can survive you." Eurgh. Why is it that whenever fanfic authors try to make Harry 'more badass,' they just make him totally obnoxious? At that moment, no one in the room, possibly not even Snape, could gainsay that. Aw, how cute! You've discovered your word processor's thesaurus tool! Power was beginning to crackle around Harry like summer lightning, and a breeze from somewhere powerful fart fluttered his and Hermione’s robes while leaving Malfoy’s motionless. Harry started to walk out from behind the table, but stopped as Hermione shivered once in his arms, and then went utterly limp. His eyes went wide, and he looked at the professor with murder in his eyes. "If she dies from this, Severus, make sure your will is up to date." Yeah, yeah. I bet Snape is just shaking in his fancy boots. Before the teacher could respond, the energy flared to levels that tingled along the skin of everyone in the room, and then with a flash and a BANG! Harry and Hermione were gone.
---
Harry is in the hospital wing and throws a shit fit. Everyone fusses over Hermione because apparently the super speshul soul bond between her and Harry has been severed. Flitwick thinks Snape should receive the Dementor's Kiss. I hate this story and wish I could have a drink. Or ten.
“Filius, you hate … oh my God, it’s that bad?” Minerva McGonagall gasped.
“Severus Snape may well have murdered both of these students, Minerva. Soul bondings are rare, although I found that I was less than surprised to discover that these two had managed one. Delighted, in fact, ignoring the chance to study an actual soul bond. I think I could see the beginnings of it during first year, after that troll incident. And what's Ron, chopped liver? It’s been growing all this time, and finally solidified this summer.”
Harry blushed as he thought about that, but quickly remembered something. “She’ll die if it’s not able to be reconnected, won’t she?” Flitwick nodded sadly. “What is the likelihood of being able to reconnect us?”
Flitwick looked pensive for a moment before saying, “Even being highly optimistic about it, I would say that there is only a one in four chance of success."Wah wah wah. We all know that Hermione will be fine.
Harry looked up. “Okay. My work is now cut out for me. Kill Snape, and kill Voldemort. Maybe Malfoy for afters.”
Snape enters, and we get more of Harry trying to be a badass. I guess Snape isn't really working for the Order because he is OMG SO MEEEEAN. Have I ever mentioned how much I HATE his characterization in this story?
Dumbledore attempted to regain control of the situation by reaching between Harry and Snape and trying to push them both back slightly, but neither moved, so he tried verbally. “Harry, I know you are in an extremely volatile mood right now. Surely you must see…”
Unexpectedly, Harry turned on Dumbledore. “Must? What ‘must’? I’ve been listening to you tell me what I ‘must’ do for my entire life, and what has it gotten me? The Dursleys, and a cupboard, THE DURSLEYS WERE FOR THE BLOOD PROTECTION, YOU IGNORANT TWIT and this” he said, raising his left hand, where his agitation was causing the still-tender skin to flame red, “and that,” he gestured at the unconscious girl on the bed. “You said before you considered me an adult. Now prove it and get out of my way. No one else is telling me what I must do anymore! There are only two things on my ‘must do’ list right now: you, and your mother dealing with Voldemort and dealing with him,” he said, jerking his thumb at the Professor. “And Voldemort has just dropped way, way down in my priorities.”
“Very well, Harry,” said Dumbledore, “I’ll not stand in your way. You are right; it is time, and past time, for you to take your destiny into your own hands. Learn to masturbate. We're sick of hearing you and Hermione going at it.”
Snape snorted, rubbing one out the red mark left on his cheek by Harry’s blow. “I’ve no idea what you’re babbling about, Potter, or why the Headmaster seems determined to indulge you in your idiocy yet again, but it doesn’t matter. I refuse to duel with a child. And as for performing a spell that will kill the two of you? As delightful as such an idea may be to contemplate, I fail to see how severing a telepathic bond that you two reprobates are using in order to permit you to pass Potions could possibly threaten your lives. Cease your excessive drama and deal with the fact that you were caught in your attempts to cheat.” He crossed his arms in front of his chest rather smugly.
Flitwick flips out, because even he has been infected by the Sues. Snape brings up the fact that he was never told that they had a soul bond, which is a valid point. He didn't think it would kill them. But Hermione's mother flips out and says that it was none of his business and threatens him.
Harry walked to directly in front of the professor. “What is your answer, Professor Snape? Do we duel, or do I simply wait for you in a darkened hallway some night and kill you like the Death Eater coward that you are?” So attacking him while he is unarmed makes HIM the coward?
Snape turned a dark purple colour before responding. “If you are so eager to meet your doom, Potter, then I agree to your duel. I’m sure you know, from all your … studying … that a duel of honour cannot be to the death. Pity, that, because I would gladly remove the possibility of your reproducing with that … creature This. Is. Not. Snape. on the bed with a simple wave of my wand.”
Snip. Cut for more dramatics.
Harry returned to Hermione’s side and sat beside her on the bed. He took one limp hand penis and cradled it between both of his, trying to restore its warmth with his own energy. “I love you, Hermione. I know you’ll be disappointed in me for duelling, but he has to be taught that there are consequences.” He felt tears building, and made no effort to hold them back. “You have to come back to me, Hermione. I love you too much to let you just slip away from me.” The tears gently slipped from his eyes and struck her skin. “Come back to me, beloved.” he said in a whisper.
Helen and Doug put their hands on his shoulders, and he looked up at them for a moment, before shaking his head to clear it. “Let me get out of the way for you two. She needs her family with her right now, and I have things to get ready for.”
Cut for more touching dialogue between Harry and Hermione's parents. And by "touching" I mean, "It makes me want to set myself on fire."
"Think about this in return," he countered. "I was physically abused by the Dursleys, which led to me basically running away. I call you to help me, because everyone else I knew had stronger ties to the wizarding world, and right at that moment, I didn't dare contact anyone in the wizarding world, since I knew they'd send me back to the Dursleys, since I was safest there. In the process of living with you, I managed to commit a legal form of rape WHAT? I seem to remember Hermione consenting to that sex. with your daughter, which led to you effectively being forced to accept me as your son-in-law, which put you in even greater danger than before. The gods alone know how much I love your daughter, and love you two, but … hell, that's not true. If I really loved you, I'd leave, making it very obvious to Voldemort where I was going. He'd chase me, and leave you alone."
He sighed, running his hands through his hair. "Think about it - she is lying in that bed, slowly dying, because of the good things that happened this summer. So not only is he a whiny turd, but he has no logic. They lead inexorably toward that. And let's not talk about early August."
"A-heh," Helen said. "I disagree with your views on this summer, but that's not important. Harry, we need to talk about early August." She's totally preggers.
He stared at her for a moment, and then looked at his wrists. "You two are getting a divorce, aren't you?" he asked sadly. "Despite everything, it was too much for you." He looked into his hands, willing himself not to cry, at least.
Helen reached out and pulled his head up to look at her. "Actually, no. Doug and I are still carrying on like you and Hermione are. We're more in love now than before. Boning your son-in-law can do wonders for your marriage! Try it today! But we need you to survive this duel with your teacher, and this problem with the soul bond, Harry." She paused for a moment as he looked quite puzzled. "You see, our little girls are going to need their daddy around."
Harry's face was a study in puzzlement. "But Doug is sterile, isn't he? Mumps, I think you said?" Wow. Harry is also STUPID.
"Yes, I am," Doug replied simply. "I fire blanks, as they say. Even Madame Pomfrey can’t change that."
"But then …" Harry began, but realization finally struck him, and his eyes opened wide. "Oh my God!" he breathed. "How can you stand to have me around?" I don't know, Harry. I'm guessing that they've been brainwashed.
"Even though it was accidental, Harry, you've given us what we always wanted - more children," Doug said. "We love you, and we want our girls to know who their father is."
"They will," Harry said. "His name is Doug Granger.”
“Harry,” Doug began.
“Doug, I may be dead shortly, damn Severus Snape to the deepest pits of Hell. Trust me, I'm sure he'd much rather be there than spend one more minute listening to you whine. It’s best that these girls are raised thinking that you are daddy. You can always tell them later. Now please, I need to think of what to do against my Potions professor.”
Blah blah blah. Appparently, if Harry kills Snape, it will be legal because duels are noble or some shit. At this point, I'm just trying to stop my brain from leaking out my ears.
---
I cut the duel because it is stupid. Basically, Harry pulls a bunch of non-canon magic out of his ass and manages to defeat Snape. Huh. I remember that time that Snape and Harry dueled. Harry got his ass kicked, and Snape was just trying to get away, not defeat him. I hate Stu-Harry.
He looked around for the Headmaster, and saw him approaching from the sidelines. Madame Pomfrey ran past them both and fell to her knees beside the wounded professor. “I think I win, Professor Dumbledore. Honour is satisfied. The law will deal with the rest of it. Now, if you don’t mind, I need to go to the hospital wing and get some Tucks pads for my severe butthurt see how Hermione is doing.” Without waiting to see whether or not Dumbledore heard him, he simply left, heading for the hospital wing, and no one even thought about stopping him.
Chapter 19 ~ Table of Contents ~ Chapter 21
Chapter XX
As the beam struck Harry, he felt such intense pain that he greyed out. What? I'm going to imagine Harry being black and white from here on in. It was only Hermione's scream that forced him back to consciousness. Steadying himself against the edge of his worktable, he could only watch as she fell forward, stabbed by the katanas of a thousand Sue Assassins. She stopped herself with her hands for a moment, but she was obviously weak. Her arms trembled and gave way as she slumped forward, passing out across the table.
Malfoy laughed and clapped his hands. “Oh, very nicely done. You should be on the stage, really!”
"Sit up, Miss Granger. Enough of your melodramatics," Snape snarled. GO SNAPE!
Harry stood and walked over to her, holding himself erect Ew, Harry, not in the middle of class! with the precision of a drunken man who knows he will fall if he is not careful.
"Sit down right now, Potter!"
Harry ignored the teacher and checked her carefully. Pulse, yes, thank God. Breathing, yes. Skin, pale and clammy. Going into shock? Eyes half-open, mouth gaping. Ah, she's finally realized that she's in a Kinsfire fic. Harry realized he was regaining control of his own body now, able to lean over without losing his balance.
"Fifty points from Gryffindor for disobeying a professor!"
Harry continued to ignore him, instead stepping around the worktable and picking her up. "I'm taking her to the hospital wing, Professor Snape," he said through clenched teeth. "You will not stop me." Ok, Snape's a mean bastard, but he would send an obviously ill student to the hospital wing.
“I don’t think so, Potter,” said Snape, levelling his wand at Harry again. “I’m used to the histrionics of students wishing to avoid class work. Put her down. And for the love of God, put your penis away!”
"Fuck you, Snape," Harry said, drawing a gasp from everyone in the room. "I am taking her to the hospital wing, and the only way you are going to stop me is by killing me. I've survived your lord and master four times, I sure as hell can survive you." Eurgh. Why is it that whenever fanfic authors try to make Harry 'more badass,' they just make him totally obnoxious? At that moment, no one in the room, possibly not even Snape, could gainsay that. Aw, how cute! You've discovered your word processor's thesaurus tool! Power was beginning to crackle around Harry like summer lightning, and a breeze from somewhere powerful fart fluttered his and Hermione’s robes while leaving Malfoy’s motionless. Harry started to walk out from behind the table, but stopped as Hermione shivered once in his arms, and then went utterly limp. His eyes went wide, and he looked at the professor with murder in his eyes. "If she dies from this, Severus, make sure your will is up to date." Yeah, yeah. I bet Snape is just shaking in his fancy boots. Before the teacher could respond, the energy flared to levels that tingled along the skin of everyone in the room, and then with a flash and a BANG! Harry and Hermione were gone.
---
Harry is in the hospital wing and throws a shit fit. Everyone fusses over Hermione because apparently the super speshul soul bond between her and Harry has been severed. Flitwick thinks Snape should receive the Dementor's Kiss. I hate this story and wish I could have a drink. Or ten.
“Filius, you hate … oh my God, it’s that bad?” Minerva McGonagall gasped.
“Severus Snape may well have murdered both of these students, Minerva. Soul bondings are rare, although I found that I was less than surprised to discover that these two had managed one. Delighted, in fact, ignoring the chance to study an actual soul bond. I think I could see the beginnings of it during first year, after that troll incident. And what's Ron, chopped liver? It’s been growing all this time, and finally solidified this summer.”
Harry blushed as he thought about that, but quickly remembered something. “She’ll die if it’s not able to be reconnected, won’t she?” Flitwick nodded sadly. “What is the likelihood of being able to reconnect us?”
Flitwick looked pensive for a moment before saying, “Even being highly optimistic about it, I would say that there is only a one in four chance of success."Wah wah wah. We all know that Hermione will be fine.
Harry looked up. “Okay. My work is now cut out for me. Kill Snape, and kill Voldemort. Maybe Malfoy for afters.”
Snape enters, and we get more of Harry trying to be a badass. I guess Snape isn't really working for the Order because he is OMG SO MEEEEAN. Have I ever mentioned how much I HATE his characterization in this story?
Dumbledore attempted to regain control of the situation by reaching between Harry and Snape and trying to push them both back slightly, but neither moved, so he tried verbally. “Harry, I know you are in an extremely volatile mood right now. Surely you must see…”
Unexpectedly, Harry turned on Dumbledore. “Must? What ‘must’? I’ve been listening to you tell me what I ‘must’ do for my entire life, and what has it gotten me? The Dursleys, and a cupboard, THE DURSLEYS WERE FOR THE BLOOD PROTECTION, YOU IGNORANT TWIT and this” he said, raising his left hand, where his agitation was causing the still-tender skin to flame red, “and that,” he gestured at the unconscious girl on the bed. “You said before you considered me an adult. Now prove it and get out of my way. No one else is telling me what I must do anymore! There are only two things on my ‘must do’ list right now: you, and your mother dealing with Voldemort and dealing with him,” he said, jerking his thumb at the Professor. “And Voldemort has just dropped way, way down in my priorities.”
“Very well, Harry,” said Dumbledore, “I’ll not stand in your way. You are right; it is time, and past time, for you to take your destiny into your own hands. Learn to masturbate. We're sick of hearing you and Hermione going at it.”
Snape snorted, rubbing one out the red mark left on his cheek by Harry’s blow. “I’ve no idea what you’re babbling about, Potter, or why the Headmaster seems determined to indulge you in your idiocy yet again, but it doesn’t matter. I refuse to duel with a child. And as for performing a spell that will kill the two of you? As delightful as such an idea may be to contemplate, I fail to see how severing a telepathic bond that you two reprobates are using in order to permit you to pass Potions could possibly threaten your lives. Cease your excessive drama and deal with the fact that you were caught in your attempts to cheat.” He crossed his arms in front of his chest rather smugly.
Flitwick flips out, because even he has been infected by the Sues. Snape brings up the fact that he was never told that they had a soul bond, which is a valid point. He didn't think it would kill them. But Hermione's mother flips out and says that it was none of his business and threatens him.
Harry walked to directly in front of the professor. “What is your answer, Professor Snape? Do we duel, or do I simply wait for you in a darkened hallway some night and kill you like the Death Eater coward that you are?” So attacking him while he is unarmed makes HIM the coward?
Snape turned a dark purple colour before responding. “If you are so eager to meet your doom, Potter, then I agree to your duel. I’m sure you know, from all your … studying … that a duel of honour cannot be to the death. Pity, that, because I would gladly remove the possibility of your reproducing with that … creature This. Is. Not. Snape. on the bed with a simple wave of my wand.”
Snip. Cut for more dramatics.
Harry returned to Hermione’s side and sat beside her on the bed. He took one limp hand penis and cradled it between both of his, trying to restore its warmth with his own energy. “I love you, Hermione. I know you’ll be disappointed in me for duelling, but he has to be taught that there are consequences.” He felt tears building, and made no effort to hold them back. “You have to come back to me, Hermione. I love you too much to let you just slip away from me.” The tears gently slipped from his eyes and struck her skin. “Come back to me, beloved.” he said in a whisper.
Helen and Doug put their hands on his shoulders, and he looked up at them for a moment, before shaking his head to clear it. “Let me get out of the way for you two. She needs her family with her right now, and I have things to get ready for.”
Cut for more touching dialogue between Harry and Hermione's parents. And by "touching" I mean, "It makes me want to set myself on fire."
"Think about this in return," he countered. "I was physically abused by the Dursleys, which led to me basically running away. I call you to help me, because everyone else I knew had stronger ties to the wizarding world, and right at that moment, I didn't dare contact anyone in the wizarding world, since I knew they'd send me back to the Dursleys, since I was safest there. In the process of living with you, I managed to commit a legal form of rape WHAT? I seem to remember Hermione consenting to that sex. with your daughter, which led to you effectively being forced to accept me as your son-in-law, which put you in even greater danger than before. The gods alone know how much I love your daughter, and love you two, but … hell, that's not true. If I really loved you, I'd leave, making it very obvious to Voldemort where I was going. He'd chase me, and leave you alone."
He sighed, running his hands through his hair. "Think about it - she is lying in that bed, slowly dying, because of the good things that happened this summer. So not only is he a whiny turd, but he has no logic. They lead inexorably toward that. And let's not talk about early August."
"A-heh," Helen said. "I disagree with your views on this summer, but that's not important. Harry, we need to talk about early August." She's totally preggers.
He stared at her for a moment, and then looked at his wrists. "You two are getting a divorce, aren't you?" he asked sadly. "Despite everything, it was too much for you." He looked into his hands, willing himself not to cry, at least.
Helen reached out and pulled his head up to look at her. "Actually, no. Doug and I are still carrying on like you and Hermione are. We're more in love now than before. Boning your son-in-law can do wonders for your marriage! Try it today! But we need you to survive this duel with your teacher, and this problem with the soul bond, Harry." She paused for a moment as he looked quite puzzled. "You see, our little girls are going to need their daddy around."
Harry's face was a study in puzzlement. "But Doug is sterile, isn't he? Mumps, I think you said?" Wow. Harry is also STUPID.
"Yes, I am," Doug replied simply. "I fire blanks, as they say. Even Madame Pomfrey can’t change that."
"But then …" Harry began, but realization finally struck him, and his eyes opened wide. "Oh my God!" he breathed. "How can you stand to have me around?" I don't know, Harry. I'm guessing that they've been brainwashed.
"Even though it was accidental, Harry, you've given us what we always wanted - more children," Doug said. "We love you, and we want our girls to know who their father is."
"They will," Harry said. "His name is Doug Granger.”
“Harry,” Doug began.
“Doug, I may be dead shortly, damn Severus Snape to the deepest pits of Hell. Trust me, I'm sure he'd much rather be there than spend one more minute listening to you whine. It’s best that these girls are raised thinking that you are daddy. You can always tell them later. Now please, I need to think of what to do against my Potions professor.”
Blah blah blah. Appparently, if Harry kills Snape, it will be legal because duels are noble or some shit. At this point, I'm just trying to stop my brain from leaking out my ears.
---
I cut the duel because it is stupid. Basically, Harry pulls a bunch of non-canon magic out of his ass and manages to defeat Snape. Huh. I remember that time that Snape and Harry dueled. Harry got his ass kicked, and Snape was just trying to get away, not defeat him. I hate Stu-Harry.
He looked around for the Headmaster, and saw him approaching from the sidelines. Madame Pomfrey ran past them both and fell to her knees beside the wounded professor. “I think I win, Professor Dumbledore. Honour is satisfied. The law will deal with the rest of it. Now, if you don’t mind, I need to go to the hospital wing and get some Tucks pads for my severe butthurt see how Hermione is doing.” Without waiting to see whether or not Dumbledore heard him, he simply left, heading for the hospital wing, and no one even thought about stopping him.
Chapter 19 ~ Table of Contents ~ Chapter 21