Family Matters: Chapter Twenty-Three
Sorry about the delay; Kinsfire's website is down, and it took me a while to track down another copy. It's now saved on my computer, so let's see if we can't spork this thing to death!
Chapter XXIII
A mere five minutes later, Dumbledore's office was crowded again. Most of the staff was there, and Harry had sent a mental message to Hermione which resulted in her, Ron, Neville, Ginny, and Luna packing themselves into a suicide booth to escape the story the office as well. Ginny and Professor McGonagall seemed to be taking the "the groom shall not see the bride on the wedding day" tradition rather seriously, and conjured a screen, making Hermione stand behind it. Harry couldn't help but laugh when he realized how ridiculous the fic had become saw the partition. He could feel Hermione on the other side of it, giggling.
"I'm going to go out to fight Voldemort today, and you're worrying about me seeing Hermione before the wedding?" he said, shaking his head in disbelief. "Nice to know where your priorities lie."
He heard another giggle in his mind and a Shush, you! He laughed out loud, albeit quietly.
Blah blah blah. More super clever banter that makes me want to stick my head in the blender. Oh, and Harry keeps calling Voldemort "Tommy."
Amanda Vector spoke up. "As I understand it, part of it was to protect you from You Know Who. If he dies today, then you could wait to get married, you know."
"No, for two reasons," Harry replied. "First, I've been looking forward to this for so long. Second, because of Draco Malfoy's interference, if I don't marry her, the child she bears right now would be legally illegitimate. We were going to wait, but Malfoy scotched that." Scotch? Where? I could really use some right now. He smiled. "The most important reason is the first one, though. I love her, and I'm going to marry her."
Cut for stupid plans and Dumbledore's eyes twinkling randomly. Seriously, he's discussing a battle and his eyes are twinkling, which makes him seem super bloodthirsty.
"Most of the students are in the Great Hall for breakfast right now," said Dumbledore, consulting the Map. I believe know that they'll want to be involved in this fight. We should get all the students into the Great Hall along with a few teachers to supervise. Hermione and Helen, I want you in charge of the fifth-year D.A. members to guard the Hall and the corridors near it." Hermione began to object that she was perfectly capable of fighting, until Harry interrupted her.
"Yes, I know you're willing to risk your lives, but I'm a man, so you should listen to me the babies haven't been asked. I want you two someplace safe, all right? Okay. Ginny and Neville, you'll take the sixth-years up and take pot with you, you're going to need to be stoned to make it through the rest of this shots from the battlements. Seventh years can choose between cake or death the wall or fighting with the Aurors and teachers."
"Where am I going to be?" asked Ron.
"You're with me, wherever I am. I'll need my best mate to watch my back, right?" Wow, this is the first time Harry has treated Ron like a friend at all. He turned back to the map. "The rest of us need to see where the heck we can be best used, but a lot of that is going to come down to where Tommyboy REALLY? TOMMYBOY? DIAF NOW, PLZTHX decides he wants to fight. Fortunately he doesn't seem to be in a rush. I think that we should station a few people in the Astronomy Tower to get a good view of the action. Luna, you take that detail. Use the owls to coordinate attacksfrom the battlements."
Auror Mopson cut into Harry's planning. "Who made you leader of this fight, Mister Potter?" His tone was not overtly insulting, but it held no possibility that he thought that Harry could be a good leader.
Harry answered by mooning him lifting his hair away from his scar. "Tom did, Mister Mopson. Fifteen years ago, he thought that I was a threat, and tried to kill me. Today I prove him right, and kill him. He dies, and we go on with our lives. More precisely, I go on with my life with the woman that I can't see on the other side of this barrier." Barf. George Lucas could write better romantic dialogue than this.
As this organization was going on, a stream of urine D.A. members poured out of the Great Hall and up the stairs (which were staying put for once) to the battlements, Astronomy Tower, and the Owlery.
He was interrupted as he heard someone thundering down the hallway toward them. The person came to a stop, hands on his knees, panting furiously. The hair looked a quite familiar red, and the style he'd last seen just a few days earlier.
"What are you doing here?" asked Ron, angrily. He stepped forward to challenge his older brother, but Harry put his hand up to stop him.
"What's wrong, Percy?" Harry asked.
"Nothing," the tall man wheezed. "Just ... just wanted ... just wanted to throw in on ..." He stopped and took a momentto gulp down a few breaths of air. "I want to fight with you. Look, I know you have no reason to trust me, but ... I'm still Gryffindor. I went to work for the Ministry to help. I was so sure that other people--that Fudge--was working for the good ... I was stupid. People are people. Working for the government doesn't make you a saint. I was wrong, and when I can, I'll tell my family that. Or you will, if I die today. If you let me stand with you. Please?" He looked at Harry, and then over Harry's shoulder at Ron, and Harry could see the sincerity screaming out of the man. JKR did it better.
His hand came out of the closet and clasped Percy's shoulder. "Welcome back, Percy. I'd be proud to have another Weasley at my back when I face Tom."
Snip. Apparently, thanks to Harry and Hermione's Magical Bond of Twu Wub, Harry's scar doesn't hurt when Voldemort is near. If he kills him with the power of love, I will need alcohol.
"Dawlish, you and Mopson go down too and arrange for the defence," said Bones. The room became much lesscrowded as the two Aurors, Helen, Minerva, and four of the Ministry Crew headed off to follow their instructions.
Harry noted that dots were beginning to congregate in the Entry Hall, all labelled "Auror" with names appearing as the Map identified them. No, that's not how the Marauder's Map works. "Director Bones, I think you and I and the rest of our group should go down and explain what's happening to the Aurors. Professor, could you make seven color-coded portkeys--like a rainbow--and maybe agold one for the command group--that's us? Eight groups should be enough."
"Agreed," Albus responded. "Go on ahead. It will be easier for me to concentrate on the portkeys when my office is clear. I'll be down with them shortly." He waited until everyone else had left the office, then stopped Harry by putting a hand on his shoulder. BAD TOUCH BAD TOUCH! "I don't have the right to feel this way, after my history with you, Harry, Oh stop groveling but I am proud of the man you have become. And I know that your parents and Sirius would feel the same way."
Harry blinked at him. "Thank you, sir. It means more than you might think." With that, he followed Amelia Bones downstairs to HIS DOOM the Aurors. It didn't take long to divide the Aurors into groups, supplemented by teachers and seventh-year students.
In a stunning twist, one of the Aurors is secretly a Death Eater. Also, executing people is totally ok now!
"Well, Mister Mopson, it seems that you should make peace with your gods, whoever they might be. If Albus Dumbledore, one of the kindest and gentlest Wait, I thought he was evil and manipulative? Make up your damn mind, Kinsfire! souls I know, says that it wouldn't be Dark to kill you, then I think I will. Don't worry, I'll be quick about it." He raised his wand and pointed it at the Auror.
"Wait!" Mopson screamed. "I can give you information!"
"What possible information could you give me that would mean anything to me?" Harry asked. "Now hold still, this won't hurt a bit ... I think ..." Our hero, ladies and gentlemen.
"He's weak!" Mopson shrieked like a little girl scared of being left alone in a dark room with a hungry Acromantula. Uh, who wouldn't be scared of that? But nice sexism there. "Ever since really early last Thursday afternoon, he's been incredibly weak! Something took his power. Well, after all the schmoopy sex in this story, he probably lost the will to live. He's only been keeping at his old level by draining everyone around him!" What? Harry Potter magic does not work like this. Go ruin a different fandom. The Death Eater Auror was actually crying. "He doesn'tknow what you did to him, and he wants to stop you from making it worse!"
"So he sent you to grab my wife?!"
"No, that was my own idea. I was just supposed to disrupt the defence from inside. But when I found myself alonewith them, I tricked them into touching my penis escape portkey and sent them to the Dark Lord. I thought he could use them, make a trade ..."
"My life for theirs, huh? As if I'd listen to him for something like that. He's well known for reneging on deals. I wonder if he knows that he's safer with them alive? If he kills them, I can't guarantee that they'll find anything of him large enough to bury. And they definitely won't find enough of you."
Mopson looked at Harry for a long moment, and realised that he had chosen the wrong side. Before him was not a mere wizard, but the very Spirit of Vengeance and Justice. I have no words. He took the same action that Draco Malfoy had a week earlier, only going a step further - he not only emptied his bladder, but voided his bowels as well. Oh geez. No wonder he's pals with Neil.
"Coward," Harry chuckled. "Everybody get that?" he asked in a louder voice.
"Yes, Mister Potter. Excellent work, I might add." Dumbledore waved his wand quickly and the malodorous ex-contents of the man's digestive system were whisked away to elsewhere.
I never thought I'd say this, but this story was more bearable when Harry was just being emo and having awful sex with Hermione.
He stopped abruptly, and behind him heard Ron gasp in dismay. However much they had expected this, seeing the row of black-clad Sue Assassins Death Eaters on the front lawn of the school was a shock. There were Dementors about, too. Not close, Voldemort wouldn't want them so close that they would handicap the Death Eaters, but Harry could feel them, could hear the faint screams in the back of his head. Hermione's warm touch in his mind helped him ignore them for the moment.
Voldemort's voice hissed across the lawn, amplified by his own Sonorus. "Quite the bravado, Potter, when you know I hold the lives of your Mudblood whore and her harlot mother in my hands. Especially when you're out here practically all alone, facing the combined might of my penis forces."
Harry glanced to the side, suddenly realizing that the Auror squads were using Disillusionment charms and could not be seen. And the D.A. members were hiding on the battlements so that all that could be seen above was a few owls. Apparently Voldemort was really thick enough to believe that Harry would come out to meet him with only a few supporters.
"At least I'm out here showing my face. You're hiding behind a wall of black robes and a couple of stolen women. Stolen? Oh, right, because women are just possessions. If you want to talk, come out here where I can see you. Otherwise I'm just going to go in and have breakfast, and you can stay out here and keep sucking off your Death Eaters Bow chikka bow wow!--and draining their power, too." Harry could actually hear sudden intakes of breath from both sides at his blatant insult. "The longer you stay out here, the weaker you get. So this is a no-lose situation for me."
"You would abandon your whore and her mother to me? So much for Gryffindor honour!"
"Tommy, you're smart enough to know that if you kill them, you lose your only bargaining chip. The only thing keeping me from cutting the grass through your entire so-called army is the concern that my wife and mother-in-law might get hurt." He paused again. "But I never said I was going to have breakfast alone. You've taken two people dear to me, Tom, and I'm going to get them back."
"You've been weakened as I have, Potter. Don't bluster when you haven't the power to back it up."
"Really, Tom?" He grinned out at the Death Eaters and whispered "Accio sexy woman." He was a little surprised to find both Helen and Hermione flying toward him at high speed when he'd intended to get Hermione first and grab Helen next.
Out of the corner of his eye, he saw a sickly green bolt of light flying at Hermione from somewhere in the midst of thethrong of Voldemort's followers, and his Seeker's ability to judge trajectories told him the beam would hit her beforeshe reached him. Acting on instinct, he did the only thing he could think of - he shouted, "Wingardium Leviosa!" and flicked his wand at the deadly spell, which deflected skyward.
That's it. This has GOT to be a troll. "Accio sexy woman"? And I'm all out of tequila, too.
The silence in both camps was sudden and palpable. Harry had only a moment to slow down the hurtling women, bringing them to a gentle stop before him. "Thank you for grabbing us both," Helen said as she hugged her husband. Hermione simply giggled. That's pretty much all she does in this story: giggle. Like a good woman, she lets her man handle everything else.
"Shush, you," Harry said, his face blazing because Sue Assassins had set him on fire red. "We have things to deal with right now."
"Right," Hermione said. "Accio wands." Two spears of wood shot from the Death Eater camp, one of them lifting the still injured Draco Malfoy off the ground quite a distance before dropping him unceremoniously to the ground as his robes ripped. The wands slowed and fell gently into their owners' hands. I don't understand this at all.
Anyway, the dementors attack. Harry can make more than one Patronus because he is just that cool. Hermione's parents are already super awesome at magic, and Helen somehow makes a baby Patronus.
Percy Weasley goggled at the tiger. "A baby Patronus?"
She shrugged. "Hey, it was my first try. Go get 'em, tiger!" The tiger cub blinked adorably and scampered off to worry the edge of a Dementor's cloak.
Despite the spectacular conflict of Dementor versus Patronus in the centre of the lawn, the general combat continued. Dumbledore, exhausted, was on his hands and knees behind the command group, heh now being protected by a shifting patchwork of smaller shields cast by the students and Percy. Once it was obvious that the Headmaster's shield would not be coming back up, curses once again began to converge on the command group. One grazed Hermione's arm, causing her to flinch in pain, and a moment later, blood and gore spouted skyward as someone within the ranks of the Death Eaters literally exploded. "Sorry love," Harry murmured.
"S'okay, Harry. Just rein it in, okay? That was disgusting. My delicate female sensibilities cannot stand violence!"
"Gotcha. No exploding the Nibblers. Even if they do mar that perfect body of yours." Not even going to touch that. Harry fired off several random curses, and shrieks were heard from the Death Eaters.
"Harry, my body is anything but perfect," she replied, firing a handful of Cutting Curses. "For starters, Sue Assassins just set it on fire!"
OK, I'm cutting most of the fighting. It's pretty boring, filled with non-canon spells, and generally pretty tedious.
Harry was making progress, cutting through the thickest press of the Death Eaters, when he suddenly felt a cold and metallic hand at his throat. "Wormtail. Wondered when you'd make an appearance."
"You can die right now, you know. All I have to do is close this hand that Voldemort gave me, and I will be exalted above all other Death Eaters."
Shit! '...either must die at the hand of the other ...' No. That is not what that means. Harry thought. That's Voldemort's hand! Shit, fuck, and all the other four-letter words! He made no effort to move a muscle. "You've got me, Pettigrew. I think you misunderstand Tommy's point of view, though. I have the distinct feeling that if you took away the pleasure of killing me from him,
he'd make you regret it for a long, long time."
He could feel Pettigrew's indecision, so he continued. "Do you really want to end up on the same ward as Lockhart and the Longbottoms? I think he'd take no end of pleasure turning you into even more of a gibbering fool than you already are, Pettigrew."
The hand tightened slightly. "I can hurt you badly in the meantime, Harry. I'd watch the insults. You can be as stupid as Sirius when it comes to that sort of thing." The hand relaxed slightly. "I miss the damned fool hound. Why did he have to get involved? Why couldn't he have just sat back? He'd still be alive today."
"Because he understood something that you never will, Peter. There are things worth dying for. Your boss isn't one of them. But saving the life of a friend, rather than turning friends over to be murdered - that's worth dying for. You were never a real Marauder What?!?, you worthless piece of shit. In the name of the three spirit Marauders, I cast you out." What is this, an exorcism? He could feel the pulse of magic burst from him, and heard the gasp from his attacker. In that moment, he saw Doug's wand come down, and he felt a small trickling of blood as the cutting curse that Doug used removed the silver appendage. And you don't think that magic hand would have some sort of protection?
Harry quickly cast a spell to staunch the flow of blood from both himself and Pettigrew, and then reached up and removed the hand from his throat, Banishing it quickly. "Thanks, Doug. I see you got why I was trying to piss off the rat." He quickly threw another stasis over the whimpering readerAnimagus.
"Took me a few seconds. I'm not as smart as my wife and daughter."
Harry laughed. "You were smart enough to marry Helen. Just to remind you, I did bang your wife!"
"True."
They all turned to face the crowd of Death Eaters surrounding their foe, and Harry simply put his hands together and then yanked them apart as if pulling open a rather heavy curtain. What is this wandless magic crap? Masked wizards went flying pell-mell, leaving just the inhuman looking Dark Lord standing alone.
"Avada Kedavra!" Tom shouted before anyone could react.
No! Harry screamed in Hermione's mind. He tried to reach out to stop the spell, but they were too close. He felt the curse strike her, and cringed in preparation of feeling her wonderful light going out forever. Yay! DIE DIE DIE!
Instead, both he and Hermione we astonished to feel a third presence announce itself and take hold of the magic, twisting it and shaping it as one would manipulate soft clay. No. This is stupid. Suddenly, the power was released again, back at Voldemort, only it was a brilliant white light that coruscated around him for a long moment, making him shriek in agony. You and me both, buddy. Finally it disappeared, and he stood before them, barely able to keep upright.
Harry faced the so-called Dark Lord. "Tom, your reign of terror is over. You've been draining my power my entire life, but when Snivellus cut the bonds on me, he cut all the bonds, including the one between you and me as well. I didn't weaken, Tom - I kept the power you used to drain away from me. Now you have only the link to the Death Eaters still standing." And just when you thought this story couldn't get any dumber...that just happened.
He stared for a long moment at his long-time nemesis. "I think it's time we reverse that spell that you cast after the Tri-Wizard Tournament. You still have something of mine, Tom. My Pokemon Cards blood. The blood of the enemy, forcibly taken. I want it back! Accio blood!" He felt his stomach turn as Riddle screamed.
Reddish-black blisters bubbled up under the Dark Lord's skin and broke. The foul-smelling liquid ran down his body to the ground and flowed across the intervening space between Riddle and Harry. It formed a noisome puddle at Harry's feet. He could hear the sound of people nearby retching at the horrifying sight, and even the Death Eaters recoiled in horror.
Finally, it was finished, and a much looser skin hung on the Dark Lord's frame. He looked vaguely like a mummy, his flesh dark and wrinkled and desiccated. He was somehow still alive, if one could call that life. Hermione picked up the refrain. "Flesh of the servant, willingly given," her clear voice called across the field. She pointed at Pettigrew and grinned as she said, "Reparo!" I don't think that's a spell to fix body parts.
This was a much faster reaction, as all the skin and muscle simply dissolved from Riddle's frame, and Pettigrew developed a proper hand again. All that remained of Riddle was a skeleton, glistening wetly in the light where the hands and skull protruded from its robe. Helen spoke up. "To hell with finishing the chant of the previous spell!" she snarled, casting the Bone-breaking Curse. The skeleton shuddered and crumbled, and a fine powder settled to the ground. Then, she snorted it, hoping it would get her high enough to forget this fic.
From the pile of bone dust and black fabric, a wispy form slid skyward. It looked vaguely like a ghost, but it had red eyes that glowed evilly even in the sunlight. Harry could hear a feathery soft voice whispering, "I can't be destroyed, Potter. Haven't you learned that by now? I'll simply find a new body and keep going. I am immortal, Potter, and you will simply die."
"Sorry Tom, but you've been misinformed. You go on to your next life today, and you even have your own traitor to thank. The only thing holding you here now is your ties to the Death Eaters, and I know what to do about that." Harry looked carefully at the gliding ghost and whispered, "Trennen Sie Bindung."
The crowd gasped as they heard Harry's spell cast, and watched as the spirit form before them simply ... vanished, leaving only the ghostly strains of "No!" fading in the air. Those Death Eaters still standing on the field shrieked for a moment and then fell as if Stunned. All but Draco Malfoy, who stood alone amongst the field of crumpled forms. His robes were still smouldering in the area of his groin, What, Hermione's STD's were that bad? and he was looking more than a little spell-burned in other ways as well.
"Well, Draco," Harry said conversationally, "you were smart enough not to take the mark, but dumb enough to fight with them. You've no money, no home, and no sense. And Doug Granger still has the right, I think, to deal with you in a more permanent manner." Harry turned. "Dad?" Because Hermione is still his property, so he gets to punish people for "damaging" it!
"Well, if there are any trustworthy Aurors still standing, I say that he should just be taken back into custody."
Looking around at the ground full of masked people, Harry replied, "I think any Aurors still standing are trustworthy. Let's get a few of them." He turned back to Draco. "Oh, Draco? I have something I've really wanted to say to you for the last five years--I love you truly, madly, deeply, and the feeling got that much stronger when you tried to rape my wife."
"W-what's that, Potter?" the blond ex-student asked. Being the last one standing on the Dark side was, he was realizing, not an enviable position to be in.
Harry answered by swinging out with a violent uppercut thrust directly into Draco's stomach, hard enough to lift him from the lawn by roughly a foot.
"Barbaric, I know, but quite satisfying," he finished, turning his back on the now vomiting Draco as two Aurors came over and took him back into custody.
Harry simply stood still for a moment, staring across the lawn, seeing but not registering the piles of black fabric that marked where the Death Eaters lay, the groups of Aurors and students moving among them, piling the dead in heaps and taking the still living into custody. The dark plume of smoke rising above the forest in the direction of Hogsmeade was now interspersed with brightly coloured magical sparks and fireworks that spelled out things like, "WE WON!"
and "TAKE THAT, MOLDIESHORTS!" He began to shake, his hands becoming so numb he almost dropped his wand before Doug took it out of his hand. "Hermione, Ron, get him to sit down before he falls down," the older man said quietly. "He's going to have one hell of an adrenaline crash in the next few minutes." Doug used the gold hula hoop to summon a medical team for Percy while Ron and Hermione dragged Harry to the waiting group of Sue Assassins back to the front steps of the castle and eased him down to sit at the base of one of the guardian statues.
The doors of Hogwarts stood open now, and the D.A. members who had been on the battlements came pouring out now, to help with the mop-up on the ground. Aurors and seventh-year students who had been fighting stumbled exhausted back up into the Entry Hall. Many of them saluted Harry as they went by, but he barely noticed who they were. Ron was a little more alert, though, and cried out, "Oi! Bulstrode! What are you doing down here?"
The Slytherin girl, her robe torn and blood-stained, stopped briefly to answer. "I was fighting Sues, Weasley, as if you couldn't guess. It wasn't only Gryffindors who didn't want him," she said, jerking her thumb over her shoulder to indicate where the Dark Lord had fallen, "in charge of things."
"Only seventh-years were supposed to be out here!" said Hermione, indignantly. "I know I'm not a seventh year, but I'm Super Speshul!"
"Well, nobody was exactly checking ages when I joined up with Orange Group," laughed Millicent. "And we Slytherins aren't exactly noted for following the rules. See you inside once we're all cleaned up. Maybe we can talk-- really have a conversation--then. I think things will be changing now." She waved and staggered off up the stairs.
Ron and Hermione sank down on either side of Harry, all three of them experiencing the let-down now. Hermione wrapped her arms around her beloved, and stabbed him in the back he responded in kind, both of them shaking and trying to hold back tears.
Ron hesitated a moment, then joined in the embrace, laying one arm along Harry's shoulders and reaching around with his other hand to grasp Hermione's arm firm. Then, they had a threesome. THE END.
"I guess it's all over, then?" Harry whispered, as if needing to reassure himself and them. "This is the end of this travesty of a fic it?"
"No, Harry," murmured Hermione, "this is the beginning." NOOOO DON'T SAY THAT PLEASE LET THIS BE OVER SOON.
Chapter 22 ~ Table of Contents ~ Chapter 24
Chapter XXIII
A mere five minutes later, Dumbledore's office was crowded again. Most of the staff was there, and Harry had sent a mental message to Hermione which resulted in her, Ron, Neville, Ginny, and Luna packing themselves into a suicide booth to escape the story the office as well. Ginny and Professor McGonagall seemed to be taking the "the groom shall not see the bride on the wedding day" tradition rather seriously, and conjured a screen, making Hermione stand behind it. Harry couldn't help but laugh when he realized how ridiculous the fic had become saw the partition. He could feel Hermione on the other side of it, giggling.
"I'm going to go out to fight Voldemort today, and you're worrying about me seeing Hermione before the wedding?" he said, shaking his head in disbelief. "Nice to know where your priorities lie."
He heard another giggle in his mind and a Shush, you! He laughed out loud, albeit quietly.
Blah blah blah. More super clever banter that makes me want to stick my head in the blender. Oh, and Harry keeps calling Voldemort "Tommy."
Amanda Vector spoke up. "As I understand it, part of it was to protect you from You Know Who. If he dies today, then you could wait to get married, you know."
"No, for two reasons," Harry replied. "First, I've been looking forward to this for so long. Second, because of Draco Malfoy's interference, if I don't marry her, the child she bears right now would be legally illegitimate. We were going to wait, but Malfoy scotched that." Scotch? Where? I could really use some right now. He smiled. "The most important reason is the first one, though. I love her, and I'm going to marry her."
Cut for stupid plans and Dumbledore's eyes twinkling randomly. Seriously, he's discussing a battle and his eyes are twinkling, which makes him seem super bloodthirsty.
"Most of the students are in the Great Hall for breakfast right now," said Dumbledore, consulting the Map. I believe know that they'll want to be involved in this fight. We should get all the students into the Great Hall along with a few teachers to supervise. Hermione and Helen, I want you in charge of the fifth-year D.A. members to guard the Hall and the corridors near it." Hermione began to object that she was perfectly capable of fighting, until Harry interrupted her.
"Yes, I know you're willing to risk your lives, but I'm a man, so you should listen to me the babies haven't been asked. I want you two someplace safe, all right? Okay. Ginny and Neville, you'll take the sixth-years up and take pot with you, you're going to need to be stoned to make it through the rest of this shots from the battlements. Seventh years can choose between cake or death the wall or fighting with the Aurors and teachers."
"Where am I going to be?" asked Ron.
"You're with me, wherever I am. I'll need my best mate to watch my back, right?" Wow, this is the first time Harry has treated Ron like a friend at all. He turned back to the map. "The rest of us need to see where the heck we can be best used, but a lot of that is going to come down to where Tommyboy REALLY? TOMMYBOY? DIAF NOW, PLZTHX decides he wants to fight. Fortunately he doesn't seem to be in a rush. I think that we should station a few people in the Astronomy Tower to get a good view of the action. Luna, you take that detail. Use the owls to coordinate attacksfrom the battlements."
Auror Mopson cut into Harry's planning. "Who made you leader of this fight, Mister Potter?" His tone was not overtly insulting, but it held no possibility that he thought that Harry could be a good leader.
Harry answered by mooning him lifting his hair away from his scar. "Tom did, Mister Mopson. Fifteen years ago, he thought that I was a threat, and tried to kill me. Today I prove him right, and kill him. He dies, and we go on with our lives. More precisely, I go on with my life with the woman that I can't see on the other side of this barrier." Barf. George Lucas could write better romantic dialogue than this.
As this organization was going on, a stream of urine D.A. members poured out of the Great Hall and up the stairs (which were staying put for once) to the battlements, Astronomy Tower, and the Owlery.
He was interrupted as he heard someone thundering down the hallway toward them. The person came to a stop, hands on his knees, panting furiously. The hair looked a quite familiar red, and the style he'd last seen just a few days earlier.
"What are you doing here?" asked Ron, angrily. He stepped forward to challenge his older brother, but Harry put his hand up to stop him.
"What's wrong, Percy?" Harry asked.
"Nothing," the tall man wheezed. "Just ... just wanted ... just wanted to throw in on ..." He stopped and took a momentto gulp down a few breaths of air. "I want to fight with you. Look, I know you have no reason to trust me, but ... I'm still Gryffindor. I went to work for the Ministry to help. I was so sure that other people--that Fudge--was working for the good ... I was stupid. People are people. Working for the government doesn't make you a saint. I was wrong, and when I can, I'll tell my family that. Or you will, if I die today. If you let me stand with you. Please?" He looked at Harry, and then over Harry's shoulder at Ron, and Harry could see the sincerity screaming out of the man. JKR did it better.
His hand came out of the closet and clasped Percy's shoulder. "Welcome back, Percy. I'd be proud to have another Weasley at my back when I face Tom."
Snip. Apparently, thanks to Harry and Hermione's Magical Bond of Twu Wub, Harry's scar doesn't hurt when Voldemort is near. If he kills him with the power of love, I will need alcohol.
"Dawlish, you and Mopson go down too and arrange for the defence," said Bones. The room became much lesscrowded as the two Aurors, Helen, Minerva, and four of the Ministry Crew headed off to follow their instructions.
Harry noted that dots were beginning to congregate in the Entry Hall, all labelled "Auror" with names appearing as the Map identified them. No, that's not how the Marauder's Map works. "Director Bones, I think you and I and the rest of our group should go down and explain what's happening to the Aurors. Professor, could you make seven color-coded portkeys--like a rainbow--and maybe agold one for the command group--that's us? Eight groups should be enough."
"Agreed," Albus responded. "Go on ahead. It will be easier for me to concentrate on the portkeys when my office is clear. I'll be down with them shortly." He waited until everyone else had left the office, then stopped Harry by putting a hand on his shoulder. BAD TOUCH BAD TOUCH! "I don't have the right to feel this way, after my history with you, Harry, Oh stop groveling but I am proud of the man you have become. And I know that your parents and Sirius would feel the same way."
Harry blinked at him. "Thank you, sir. It means more than you might think." With that, he followed Amelia Bones downstairs to HIS DOOM the Aurors. It didn't take long to divide the Aurors into groups, supplemented by teachers and seventh-year students.
In a stunning twist, one of the Aurors is secretly a Death Eater. Also, executing people is totally ok now!
"Well, Mister Mopson, it seems that you should make peace with your gods, whoever they might be. If Albus Dumbledore, one of the kindest and gentlest Wait, I thought he was evil and manipulative? Make up your damn mind, Kinsfire! souls I know, says that it wouldn't be Dark to kill you, then I think I will. Don't worry, I'll be quick about it." He raised his wand and pointed it at the Auror.
"Wait!" Mopson screamed. "I can give you information!"
"What possible information could you give me that would mean anything to me?" Harry asked. "Now hold still, this won't hurt a bit ... I think ..." Our hero, ladies and gentlemen.
"He's weak!" Mopson shrieked like a little girl scared of being left alone in a dark room with a hungry Acromantula. Uh, who wouldn't be scared of that? But nice sexism there. "Ever since really early last Thursday afternoon, he's been incredibly weak! Something took his power. Well, after all the schmoopy sex in this story, he probably lost the will to live. He's only been keeping at his old level by draining everyone around him!" What? Harry Potter magic does not work like this. Go ruin a different fandom. The Death Eater Auror was actually crying. "He doesn'tknow what you did to him, and he wants to stop you from making it worse!"
"So he sent you to grab my wife?!"
"No, that was my own idea. I was just supposed to disrupt the defence from inside. But when I found myself alonewith them, I tricked them into touching my penis escape portkey and sent them to the Dark Lord. I thought he could use them, make a trade ..."
"My life for theirs, huh? As if I'd listen to him for something like that. He's well known for reneging on deals. I wonder if he knows that he's safer with them alive? If he kills them, I can't guarantee that they'll find anything of him large enough to bury. And they definitely won't find enough of you."
Mopson looked at Harry for a long moment, and realised that he had chosen the wrong side. Before him was not a mere wizard, but the very Spirit of Vengeance and Justice. I have no words. He took the same action that Draco Malfoy had a week earlier, only going a step further - he not only emptied his bladder, but voided his bowels as well. Oh geez. No wonder he's pals with Neil.
"Coward," Harry chuckled. "Everybody get that?" he asked in a louder voice.
"Yes, Mister Potter. Excellent work, I might add." Dumbledore waved his wand quickly and the malodorous ex-contents of the man's digestive system were whisked away to elsewhere.
I never thought I'd say this, but this story was more bearable when Harry was just being emo and having awful sex with Hermione.
He stopped abruptly, and behind him heard Ron gasp in dismay. However much they had expected this, seeing the row of black-clad Sue Assassins Death Eaters on the front lawn of the school was a shock. There were Dementors about, too. Not close, Voldemort wouldn't want them so close that they would handicap the Death Eaters, but Harry could feel them, could hear the faint screams in the back of his head. Hermione's warm touch in his mind helped him ignore them for the moment.
Voldemort's voice hissed across the lawn, amplified by his own Sonorus. "Quite the bravado, Potter, when you know I hold the lives of your Mudblood whore and her harlot mother in my hands. Especially when you're out here practically all alone, facing the combined might of my penis forces."
Harry glanced to the side, suddenly realizing that the Auror squads were using Disillusionment charms and could not be seen. And the D.A. members were hiding on the battlements so that all that could be seen above was a few owls. Apparently Voldemort was really thick enough to believe that Harry would come out to meet him with only a few supporters.
"At least I'm out here showing my face. You're hiding behind a wall of black robes and a couple of stolen women. Stolen? Oh, right, because women are just possessions. If you want to talk, come out here where I can see you. Otherwise I'm just going to go in and have breakfast, and you can stay out here and keep sucking off your Death Eaters Bow chikka bow wow!--and draining their power, too." Harry could actually hear sudden intakes of breath from both sides at his blatant insult. "The longer you stay out here, the weaker you get. So this is a no-lose situation for me."
"You would abandon your whore and her mother to me? So much for Gryffindor honour!"
"Tommy, you're smart enough to know that if you kill them, you lose your only bargaining chip. The only thing keeping me from cutting the grass through your entire so-called army is the concern that my wife and mother-in-law might get hurt." He paused again. "But I never said I was going to have breakfast alone. You've taken two people dear to me, Tom, and I'm going to get them back."
"You've been weakened as I have, Potter. Don't bluster when you haven't the power to back it up."
"Really, Tom?" He grinned out at the Death Eaters and whispered "Accio sexy woman." He was a little surprised to find both Helen and Hermione flying toward him at high speed when he'd intended to get Hermione first and grab Helen next.
Out of the corner of his eye, he saw a sickly green bolt of light flying at Hermione from somewhere in the midst of thethrong of Voldemort's followers, and his Seeker's ability to judge trajectories told him the beam would hit her beforeshe reached him. Acting on instinct, he did the only thing he could think of - he shouted, "Wingardium Leviosa!" and flicked his wand at the deadly spell, which deflected skyward.
That's it. This has GOT to be a troll. "Accio sexy woman"? And I'm all out of tequila, too.
The silence in both camps was sudden and palpable. Harry had only a moment to slow down the hurtling women, bringing them to a gentle stop before him. "Thank you for grabbing us both," Helen said as she hugged her husband. Hermione simply giggled. That's pretty much all she does in this story: giggle. Like a good woman, she lets her man handle everything else.
"Shush, you," Harry said, his face blazing because Sue Assassins had set him on fire red. "We have things to deal with right now."
"Right," Hermione said. "Accio wands." Two spears of wood shot from the Death Eater camp, one of them lifting the still injured Draco Malfoy off the ground quite a distance before dropping him unceremoniously to the ground as his robes ripped. The wands slowed and fell gently into their owners' hands. I don't understand this at all.
Anyway, the dementors attack. Harry can make more than one Patronus because he is just that cool. Hermione's parents are already super awesome at magic, and Helen somehow makes a baby Patronus.
Percy Weasley goggled at the tiger. "A baby Patronus?"
She shrugged. "Hey, it was my first try. Go get 'em, tiger!" The tiger cub blinked adorably and scampered off to worry the edge of a Dementor's cloak.
Despite the spectacular conflict of Dementor versus Patronus in the centre of the lawn, the general combat continued. Dumbledore, exhausted, was on his hands and knees behind the command group, heh now being protected by a shifting patchwork of smaller shields cast by the students and Percy. Once it was obvious that the Headmaster's shield would not be coming back up, curses once again began to converge on the command group. One grazed Hermione's arm, causing her to flinch in pain, and a moment later, blood and gore spouted skyward as someone within the ranks of the Death Eaters literally exploded. "Sorry love," Harry murmured.
"S'okay, Harry. Just rein it in, okay? That was disgusting. My delicate female sensibilities cannot stand violence!"
"Gotcha. No exploding the Nibblers. Even if they do mar that perfect body of yours." Not even going to touch that. Harry fired off several random curses, and shrieks were heard from the Death Eaters.
"Harry, my body is anything but perfect," she replied, firing a handful of Cutting Curses. "For starters, Sue Assassins just set it on fire!"
OK, I'm cutting most of the fighting. It's pretty boring, filled with non-canon spells, and generally pretty tedious.
Harry was making progress, cutting through the thickest press of the Death Eaters, when he suddenly felt a cold and metallic hand at his throat. "Wormtail. Wondered when you'd make an appearance."
"You can die right now, you know. All I have to do is close this hand that Voldemort gave me, and I will be exalted above all other Death Eaters."
Shit! '...either must die at the hand of the other ...' No. That is not what that means. Harry thought. That's Voldemort's hand! Shit, fuck, and all the other four-letter words! He made no effort to move a muscle. "You've got me, Pettigrew. I think you misunderstand Tommy's point of view, though. I have the distinct feeling that if you took away the pleasure of killing me from him,
he'd make you regret it for a long, long time."
He could feel Pettigrew's indecision, so he continued. "Do you really want to end up on the same ward as Lockhart and the Longbottoms? I think he'd take no end of pleasure turning you into even more of a gibbering fool than you already are, Pettigrew."
The hand tightened slightly. "I can hurt you badly in the meantime, Harry. I'd watch the insults. You can be as stupid as Sirius when it comes to that sort of thing." The hand relaxed slightly. "I miss the damned fool hound. Why did he have to get involved? Why couldn't he have just sat back? He'd still be alive today."
"Because he understood something that you never will, Peter. There are things worth dying for. Your boss isn't one of them. But saving the life of a friend, rather than turning friends over to be murdered - that's worth dying for. You were never a real Marauder What?!?, you worthless piece of shit. In the name of the three spirit Marauders, I cast you out." What is this, an exorcism? He could feel the pulse of magic burst from him, and heard the gasp from his attacker. In that moment, he saw Doug's wand come down, and he felt a small trickling of blood as the cutting curse that Doug used removed the silver appendage. And you don't think that magic hand would have some sort of protection?
Harry quickly cast a spell to staunch the flow of blood from both himself and Pettigrew, and then reached up and removed the hand from his throat, Banishing it quickly. "Thanks, Doug. I see you got why I was trying to piss off the rat." He quickly threw another stasis over the whimpering readerAnimagus.
"Took me a few seconds. I'm not as smart as my wife and daughter."
Harry laughed. "You were smart enough to marry Helen. Just to remind you, I did bang your wife!"
"True."
They all turned to face the crowd of Death Eaters surrounding their foe, and Harry simply put his hands together and then yanked them apart as if pulling open a rather heavy curtain. What is this wandless magic crap? Masked wizards went flying pell-mell, leaving just the inhuman looking Dark Lord standing alone.
"Avada Kedavra!" Tom shouted before anyone could react.
No! Harry screamed in Hermione's mind. He tried to reach out to stop the spell, but they were too close. He felt the curse strike her, and cringed in preparation of feeling her wonderful light going out forever. Yay! DIE DIE DIE!
Instead, both he and Hermione we astonished to feel a third presence announce itself and take hold of the magic, twisting it and shaping it as one would manipulate soft clay. No. This is stupid. Suddenly, the power was released again, back at Voldemort, only it was a brilliant white light that coruscated around him for a long moment, making him shriek in agony. You and me both, buddy. Finally it disappeared, and he stood before them, barely able to keep upright.
Harry faced the so-called Dark Lord. "Tom, your reign of terror is over. You've been draining my power my entire life, but when Snivellus cut the bonds on me, he cut all the bonds, including the one between you and me as well. I didn't weaken, Tom - I kept the power you used to drain away from me. Now you have only the link to the Death Eaters still standing." And just when you thought this story couldn't get any dumber...that just happened.
He stared for a long moment at his long-time nemesis. "I think it's time we reverse that spell that you cast after the Tri-Wizard Tournament. You still have something of mine, Tom. My Pokemon Cards blood. The blood of the enemy, forcibly taken. I want it back! Accio blood!" He felt his stomach turn as Riddle screamed.
Reddish-black blisters bubbled up under the Dark Lord's skin and broke. The foul-smelling liquid ran down his body to the ground and flowed across the intervening space between Riddle and Harry. It formed a noisome puddle at Harry's feet. He could hear the sound of people nearby retching at the horrifying sight, and even the Death Eaters recoiled in horror.
Finally, it was finished, and a much looser skin hung on the Dark Lord's frame. He looked vaguely like a mummy, his flesh dark and wrinkled and desiccated. He was somehow still alive, if one could call that life. Hermione picked up the refrain. "Flesh of the servant, willingly given," her clear voice called across the field. She pointed at Pettigrew and grinned as she said, "Reparo!" I don't think that's a spell to fix body parts.
This was a much faster reaction, as all the skin and muscle simply dissolved from Riddle's frame, and Pettigrew developed a proper hand again. All that remained of Riddle was a skeleton, glistening wetly in the light where the hands and skull protruded from its robe. Helen spoke up. "To hell with finishing the chant of the previous spell!" she snarled, casting the Bone-breaking Curse. The skeleton shuddered and crumbled, and a fine powder settled to the ground. Then, she snorted it, hoping it would get her high enough to forget this fic.
From the pile of bone dust and black fabric, a wispy form slid skyward. It looked vaguely like a ghost, but it had red eyes that glowed evilly even in the sunlight. Harry could hear a feathery soft voice whispering, "I can't be destroyed, Potter. Haven't you learned that by now? I'll simply find a new body and keep going. I am immortal, Potter, and you will simply die."
"Sorry Tom, but you've been misinformed. You go on to your next life today, and you even have your own traitor to thank. The only thing holding you here now is your ties to the Death Eaters, and I know what to do about that." Harry looked carefully at the gliding ghost and whispered, "Trennen Sie Bindung."
The crowd gasped as they heard Harry's spell cast, and watched as the spirit form before them simply ... vanished, leaving only the ghostly strains of "No!" fading in the air. Those Death Eaters still standing on the field shrieked for a moment and then fell as if Stunned. All but Draco Malfoy, who stood alone amongst the field of crumpled forms. His robes were still smouldering in the area of his groin, What, Hermione's STD's were that bad? and he was looking more than a little spell-burned in other ways as well.
"Well, Draco," Harry said conversationally, "you were smart enough not to take the mark, but dumb enough to fight with them. You've no money, no home, and no sense. And Doug Granger still has the right, I think, to deal with you in a more permanent manner." Harry turned. "Dad?" Because Hermione is still his property, so he gets to punish people for "damaging" it!
"Well, if there are any trustworthy Aurors still standing, I say that he should just be taken back into custody."
Looking around at the ground full of masked people, Harry replied, "I think any Aurors still standing are trustworthy. Let's get a few of them." He turned back to Draco. "Oh, Draco? I have something I've really wanted to say to you for the last five years--I love you truly, madly, deeply, and the feeling got that much stronger when you tried to rape my wife."
"W-what's that, Potter?" the blond ex-student asked. Being the last one standing on the Dark side was, he was realizing, not an enviable position to be in.
Harry answered by swinging out with a violent uppercut thrust directly into Draco's stomach, hard enough to lift him from the lawn by roughly a foot.
"Barbaric, I know, but quite satisfying," he finished, turning his back on the now vomiting Draco as two Aurors came over and took him back into custody.
Harry simply stood still for a moment, staring across the lawn, seeing but not registering the piles of black fabric that marked where the Death Eaters lay, the groups of Aurors and students moving among them, piling the dead in heaps and taking the still living into custody. The dark plume of smoke rising above the forest in the direction of Hogsmeade was now interspersed with brightly coloured magical sparks and fireworks that spelled out things like, "WE WON!"
and "TAKE THAT, MOLDIESHORTS!" He began to shake, his hands becoming so numb he almost dropped his wand before Doug took it out of his hand. "Hermione, Ron, get him to sit down before he falls down," the older man said quietly. "He's going to have one hell of an adrenaline crash in the next few minutes." Doug used the gold hula hoop to summon a medical team for Percy while Ron and Hermione dragged Harry to the waiting group of Sue Assassins back to the front steps of the castle and eased him down to sit at the base of one of the guardian statues.
The doors of Hogwarts stood open now, and the D.A. members who had been on the battlements came pouring out now, to help with the mop-up on the ground. Aurors and seventh-year students who had been fighting stumbled exhausted back up into the Entry Hall. Many of them saluted Harry as they went by, but he barely noticed who they were. Ron was a little more alert, though, and cried out, "Oi! Bulstrode! What are you doing down here?"
The Slytherin girl, her robe torn and blood-stained, stopped briefly to answer. "I was fighting Sues, Weasley, as if you couldn't guess. It wasn't only Gryffindors who didn't want him," she said, jerking her thumb over her shoulder to indicate where the Dark Lord had fallen, "in charge of things."
"Only seventh-years were supposed to be out here!" said Hermione, indignantly. "I know I'm not a seventh year, but I'm Super Speshul!"
"Well, nobody was exactly checking ages when I joined up with Orange Group," laughed Millicent. "And we Slytherins aren't exactly noted for following the rules. See you inside once we're all cleaned up. Maybe we can talk-- really have a conversation--then. I think things will be changing now." She waved and staggered off up the stairs.
Ron and Hermione sank down on either side of Harry, all three of them experiencing the let-down now. Hermione wrapped her arms around her beloved, and stabbed him in the back he responded in kind, both of them shaking and trying to hold back tears.
Ron hesitated a moment, then joined in the embrace, laying one arm along Harry's shoulders and reaching around with his other hand to grasp Hermione's arm firm. Then, they had a threesome. THE END.
"I guess it's all over, then?" Harry whispered, as if needing to reassure himself and them. "This is the end of this travesty of a fic it?"
"No, Harry," murmured Hermione, "this is the beginning." NOOOO DON'T SAY THAT PLEASE LET THIS BE OVER SOON.
Chapter 22 ~ Table of Contents ~ Chapter 24