Expansion of marriage rights, some more thoughts on marriage and child-rearing
I just took a look at my last post (about gay and poly marriage rights) again, and had some more things to say about that.
I remembered another two snarky Nancy buttons (who would have thought?):)
"Gay marriage? Haven't they suffered enough?"
"Gay marriage? Haven't we suffered enough?"
Kidding aside, I have some more thoughts about all of this.
Certainly there are many troubles in heterosexual monogamous marriages. [Sorry, I think in button slogans. It's a hazard of the job].
"One nuclear family can ruin your whole life."
Of course there are many individuals and couples who choose to remain childless, or are unable for whatever reason to have children. However, the vast majority of people who get married do have children. And of course more and more lately, many people who are not legally married, or coupled, also choose to have children. So the discussion of marriage rights inevitably (IMHO)leads to the considerations of parenthood and child-rearing.
The isolation, and myriad difficulties of raising children in so-called "traditional" or "nuclear" families has been noted by many authors of articles and books over the years, and now probably blogs, etc. too. I think that we're a lot less likely to mess our kids up terribly (we all mess them up somewhat, there are just many varying degrees of damage that we do), if you have more adults in the mix. They could be parents, or so-called "extended family" - whether it be aunts, uncles, cousins, grandparents, older siblings, next-door neighbors, teachers, nannies, good friends, etc. My point is, the more people of all ages and different backgrounds and personalities who are involved in the upbringing of children the better, I think.
Kids get a wider variety of ideas about the choices they can make in their lives, who they can be, what they can do, and how they can think, with more role models around. And with many hands to share in the chores and joys of baby care, the parents have less stress, and can be happier, more productive people, and better parents. No matter how wanted a kid is, how much love a parent has for their child, let's face it, taking care of babies' needs can be tiresome, stressful, and overwhelming. Lack of sleep, the incredible responsibility for a tiny little bundle of id that needs, needs, needs, and for a long time just cries and eats and fills their diaper, and isn't capable of giving back yet, is really a lot to handle. It's amazing that so many of us do OK, and some of us even do a great job of it.
John and I brought Matthew to his first convention when he was all of 13 days old - it was Darkover 1995. He grew up going to many cons in many states over the course of his next 15 years, all throughout the year, and therefore he has friends who live in many different places, and he has come into contact with all kinds of different people. We stay with friends we've met at cons a lot of the time when we travel. He gets to see them many times throughout the years.
Growing up in fandom, he's always been treated with respect and and kindness, and taken seriously by other kids, and adults of all ages and personalities and professions. He has been able to hold his own in conversations with them. These conversations over the years have expanded his vocabulary, his knowledge, and understanding of a wide variety of subjects, and have contributed tremendously to his self confidence. He has empathy and tolerance of people who are different from himself and our family and friends in many ways. He doesn't understand about prejudice, bigotry, or why the heck people care about such things as skin color or religion or who people like to have sex with when they make friends with other people. (Or why on Earth people smoke or drink alcohol or take illegal drugs :) since we don't tend to have many friends who do those things. BONUS!)
One of my proudest moments as a parent came in recent years when Matthew came home and told me about being teased by some kids from school and the neighborhood. This was repeated often. So many fans know this kind of behavior. I sure did. I felt from 4th grade on like an outcast a lot. I was smart, I LIKED school (heaven forbid), I liked to read, I didn't care about clothes or appearances. I got teased. So what did Matthew say to me about these kids? He said basically this: "Mom, these kids think they're so great. They make fun of me, they tease me, they don't want to talk to me except to make fun. I have a few really good friends. I don't need these guys. They're stupid. They will probably never make much of themselves when they grow up. And I have something that they'll never have. I have fandom." (sniff)
A friend of mine who has been in a few straight and other relationships in their time let me in not too long ago on a "secret" - which I hadn't actually considered - that lobbying for the right to gay marriage is really about the right to gay divorce - and especially about gay custody rights. The right to keep seeing the kid you've helped to raise from birth even though your co-parent (the kid's biological parent a lot of the time) and you call it quits - oh, yeah. That's a right worth fighting for.
I remembered another two snarky Nancy buttons (who would have thought?):)
"Gay marriage? Haven't they suffered enough?"
"Gay marriage? Haven't we suffered enough?"
Kidding aside, I have some more thoughts about all of this.
Certainly there are many troubles in heterosexual monogamous marriages. [Sorry, I think in button slogans. It's a hazard of the job].
"One nuclear family can ruin your whole life."
Of course there are many individuals and couples who choose to remain childless, or are unable for whatever reason to have children. However, the vast majority of people who get married do have children. And of course more and more lately, many people who are not legally married, or coupled, also choose to have children. So the discussion of marriage rights inevitably (IMHO)leads to the considerations of parenthood and child-rearing.
The isolation, and myriad difficulties of raising children in so-called "traditional" or "nuclear" families has been noted by many authors of articles and books over the years, and now probably blogs, etc. too. I think that we're a lot less likely to mess our kids up terribly (we all mess them up somewhat, there are just many varying degrees of damage that we do), if you have more adults in the mix. They could be parents, or so-called "extended family" - whether it be aunts, uncles, cousins, grandparents, older siblings, next-door neighbors, teachers, nannies, good friends, etc. My point is, the more people of all ages and different backgrounds and personalities who are involved in the upbringing of children the better, I think.
Kids get a wider variety of ideas about the choices they can make in their lives, who they can be, what they can do, and how they can think, with more role models around. And with many hands to share in the chores and joys of baby care, the parents have less stress, and can be happier, more productive people, and better parents. No matter how wanted a kid is, how much love a parent has for their child, let's face it, taking care of babies' needs can be tiresome, stressful, and overwhelming. Lack of sleep, the incredible responsibility for a tiny little bundle of id that needs, needs, needs, and for a long time just cries and eats and fills their diaper, and isn't capable of giving back yet, is really a lot to handle. It's amazing that so many of us do OK, and some of us even do a great job of it.
John and I brought Matthew to his first convention when he was all of 13 days old - it was Darkover 1995. He grew up going to many cons in many states over the course of his next 15 years, all throughout the year, and therefore he has friends who live in many different places, and he has come into contact with all kinds of different people. We stay with friends we've met at cons a lot of the time when we travel. He gets to see them many times throughout the years.
Growing up in fandom, he's always been treated with respect and and kindness, and taken seriously by other kids, and adults of all ages and personalities and professions. He has been able to hold his own in conversations with them. These conversations over the years have expanded his vocabulary, his knowledge, and understanding of a wide variety of subjects, and have contributed tremendously to his self confidence. He has empathy and tolerance of people who are different from himself and our family and friends in many ways. He doesn't understand about prejudice, bigotry, or why the heck people care about such things as skin color or religion or who people like to have sex with when they make friends with other people. (Or why on Earth people smoke or drink alcohol or take illegal drugs :) since we don't tend to have many friends who do those things. BONUS!)
One of my proudest moments as a parent came in recent years when Matthew came home and told me about being teased by some kids from school and the neighborhood. This was repeated often. So many fans know this kind of behavior. I sure did. I felt from 4th grade on like an outcast a lot. I was smart, I LIKED school (heaven forbid), I liked to read, I didn't care about clothes or appearances. I got teased. So what did Matthew say to me about these kids? He said basically this: "Mom, these kids think they're so great. They make fun of me, they tease me, they don't want to talk to me except to make fun. I have a few really good friends. I don't need these guys. They're stupid. They will probably never make much of themselves when they grow up. And I have something that they'll never have. I have fandom." (sniff)
A friend of mine who has been in a few straight and other relationships in their time let me in not too long ago on a "secret" - which I hadn't actually considered - that lobbying for the right to gay marriage is really about the right to gay divorce - and especially about gay custody rights. The right to keep seeing the kid you've helped to raise from birth even though your co-parent (the kid's biological parent a lot of the time) and you call it quits - oh, yeah. That's a right worth fighting for.