Read at your peril
I should warn everybody to don't bother reading on unless you really care, because it's pretty dark and depressing...but at least it explains why I haven't been writing much here lately.
There's just not that much interesting going on. Most of it's all bad news, which just seems to drive me deeper into this pit I've been in. I'm not any where near where I'd hoped to be by this point in my life--in fact, in some ways I'm worse off now than I was 10 years ago, because back then I still had some sort of hope that things would eventually get better, that it was my due. Now I realize life just doesn't work that way. That for some folks life just seems to come along easily, and for some it's just a pile of shit, and then there's me, who seems to be stuck in mediochre one-step-from-disaster mode with no prosects, no ray of sunshine, and not even a network I can really rely on. I'm afflicted with health issues that never seem to go away but just continue to suck all the energy and financial blood out of me--a long, drawn-out draining that clearly has no happy ending.
I looked back at my pay stubs over the past 8 years that I've now worked with EY--a firm that supposedly is ranked as one of the Top 100 firms to work for--and my take-home pay has actually DROPPED over time. I have never backslid in pay before, so to all those Republicans out there still spouting all the horsehit about how great things have been? I just ain't seeing it!
Never mind that I didn't get a raise at all this year, it's quite clear that staying at this job is a no-win situation, and yet things are so crapy out there that I don't see any possible gain right now in moving on. Most likely any new job will involve a pay-cut, which I simply can't afford. I'm cutting my cable this week, I'm stopping my 401k, and I'm going to look for a part-time job after Thanksgiving...and this isn't just to pay off debt, this is to keep from going into permanent red when my condo fees inevitably increase in January. I don't live extravagently, I almost never go out anymore, I'm not a clothes horse, I eat a fraction of what I used to (and what I do eat is basic and repetative), I'm not even going home for the holidays this year. And yet between insurance premiums going up again, the property tax relief program being canceled (that's $1,000 out of my pocket this year), parking at work going up, condo fees probaby going up another $50 a month, and no raise, I've got no where else to go anymore.
So far I haven't missed any payments or fallen behind, but that's soley due to the random "finding" of money, a dividend check here, an auction sales check there, that sort of thing. It's nothing I can count on. Half the time I have to charge gas and groceries to a card, and I know that's a disaster in the making.
I realize some of you are probably wondering why I'm whing about going out and getting a second job when so many folks already have. It's because I'm seriously worried about my state of mind. All my life I've battled with degrees of depression, and right now I'm sinking so low I just can't find the energy or will to do more. Because working two jobs will not be a short-term thing but a necessity just to make ends meet (it will still take YEARS to pay off all this debt, if ever, and that's assuming I don't get more since my job is still not fixed), I don't see a light at the end of the tunnel anymore. I'm alone, I have no backup, no saving, no hope with this job, little prospects finding a better job that pays more. Even my enthusiasm on eHarmony has dropped because I realized I was sorting guys according to whether or not I thought they could help me pay off my debt more than by if I thought I could love them, and that's just not the right mind-set for entering into a relationship. I can't even get a roommate because I have no room for one.
To top things off, one of the few things I still get any enjoyment out of, my writing, seems to be a pointless act since nobody reads it anymore. I have no inspiration to write anything else, and yet I'm practically alone now. In fact, I think attending that writers conference last summer just drove home the final spike in that coffin and I haven't written a word since I got back.
I'm sitting here debating deleting this post rather than posting it since it's clearly just me feeling sorry for myself, but this is what I've been going through lately. The little things that used to give me pleasure just don't anymore, and now I just slug through day after day waiting for the final blow, the car break-down or the fridge dying or the next uncovered medical bill to finally push me over the edge. I'm sure it'll come soon enough--probably when my car lease expires in the spring if they don't let me roll it over into a loan with the same payment. I'm just failing to see a point anymore, when the cards are so stacked against me.
I'm angry and frustrated--at this stage in my life I shouldn;t have to be in this position. I've got a college education, I've always worked hard and done the right thing, and I'm mad that this government is allowing people like me to drown like this because of something out of our control, while corporations and insurance companies drain us dry. I'm fruious with politicians who claim to represent me fucking around and getting nothing done, or worse yet make things worse. I'm angry that nothing in my life seems to work right.
And if that's not bad enough, I'm debating seeking help for the depression because I'm afraid it would be reported and held against me if there's another round of layoffs, etc., never mind being considered a pre-existing condition.
There's just not that much interesting going on. Most of it's all bad news, which just seems to drive me deeper into this pit I've been in. I'm not any where near where I'd hoped to be by this point in my life--in fact, in some ways I'm worse off now than I was 10 years ago, because back then I still had some sort of hope that things would eventually get better, that it was my due. Now I realize life just doesn't work that way. That for some folks life just seems to come along easily, and for some it's just a pile of shit, and then there's me, who seems to be stuck in mediochre one-step-from-disaster mode with no prosects, no ray of sunshine, and not even a network I can really rely on. I'm afflicted with health issues that never seem to go away but just continue to suck all the energy and financial blood out of me--a long, drawn-out draining that clearly has no happy ending.
I looked back at my pay stubs over the past 8 years that I've now worked with EY--a firm that supposedly is ranked as one of the Top 100 firms to work for--and my take-home pay has actually DROPPED over time. I have never backslid in pay before, so to all those Republicans out there still spouting all the horsehit about how great things have been? I just ain't seeing it!
Never mind that I didn't get a raise at all this year, it's quite clear that staying at this job is a no-win situation, and yet things are so crapy out there that I don't see any possible gain right now in moving on. Most likely any new job will involve a pay-cut, which I simply can't afford. I'm cutting my cable this week, I'm stopping my 401k, and I'm going to look for a part-time job after Thanksgiving...and this isn't just to pay off debt, this is to keep from going into permanent red when my condo fees inevitably increase in January. I don't live extravagently, I almost never go out anymore, I'm not a clothes horse, I eat a fraction of what I used to (and what I do eat is basic and repetative), I'm not even going home for the holidays this year. And yet between insurance premiums going up again, the property tax relief program being canceled (that's $1,000 out of my pocket this year), parking at work going up, condo fees probaby going up another $50 a month, and no raise, I've got no where else to go anymore.
So far I haven't missed any payments or fallen behind, but that's soley due to the random "finding" of money, a dividend check here, an auction sales check there, that sort of thing. It's nothing I can count on. Half the time I have to charge gas and groceries to a card, and I know that's a disaster in the making.
I realize some of you are probably wondering why I'm whing about going out and getting a second job when so many folks already have. It's because I'm seriously worried about my state of mind. All my life I've battled with degrees of depression, and right now I'm sinking so low I just can't find the energy or will to do more. Because working two jobs will not be a short-term thing but a necessity just to make ends meet (it will still take YEARS to pay off all this debt, if ever, and that's assuming I don't get more since my job is still not fixed), I don't see a light at the end of the tunnel anymore. I'm alone, I have no backup, no saving, no hope with this job, little prospects finding a better job that pays more. Even my enthusiasm on eHarmony has dropped because I realized I was sorting guys according to whether or not I thought they could help me pay off my debt more than by if I thought I could love them, and that's just not the right mind-set for entering into a relationship. I can't even get a roommate because I have no room for one.
To top things off, one of the few things I still get any enjoyment out of, my writing, seems to be a pointless act since nobody reads it anymore. I have no inspiration to write anything else, and yet I'm practically alone now. In fact, I think attending that writers conference last summer just drove home the final spike in that coffin and I haven't written a word since I got back.
I'm sitting here debating deleting this post rather than posting it since it's clearly just me feeling sorry for myself, but this is what I've been going through lately. The little things that used to give me pleasure just don't anymore, and now I just slug through day after day waiting for the final blow, the car break-down or the fridge dying or the next uncovered medical bill to finally push me over the edge. I'm sure it'll come soon enough--probably when my car lease expires in the spring if they don't let me roll it over into a loan with the same payment. I'm just failing to see a point anymore, when the cards are so stacked against me.
I'm angry and frustrated--at this stage in my life I shouldn;t have to be in this position. I've got a college education, I've always worked hard and done the right thing, and I'm mad that this government is allowing people like me to drown like this because of something out of our control, while corporations and insurance companies drain us dry. I'm fruious with politicians who claim to represent me fucking around and getting nothing done, or worse yet make things worse. I'm angry that nothing in my life seems to work right.
And if that's not bad enough, I'm debating seeking help for the depression because I'm afraid it would be reported and held against me if there's another round of layoffs, etc., never mind being considered a pre-existing condition.