Volunteerism....SCA related
At an event a couple of weeks ago, a chat with a friend revealed that someone else in the hobby, who hasn't been around for very long, was bemoaning the state of volunteerism in our kingdom.
Part of me finds that really funny, in part because this person has thrown themselves at every job going, but often makes a big show of it in exactly the way I was told many years ago not to do, and recieves nothing but praise for it. *shrug* Whatever, at least the job is getting done.
But I found the statement kind of funny when related to my own situation. I used to be right in there, gettin' er done. Stuff happened, both visible and not, because there were some of us who made the decision that regardless of circumstance, it needed to happen. My parents instilled in me the ideal that if you were going to be part of a community, you should do more than just "show up". I *enjoy* being part of the mechanism that makes stuff happen. I really liked being part of a team, making stuff go.
Over the years I absorbed a lot of derision from some quarters, and stood up as the responsible party for the bad behaviour of others, because I could. I played the "nice in public" part, and the cooperative part, because that was the way I was brought up. As the derision got louder, I pulled further back, because I was paying a high personal price for continuing to stand in the line of fire. Paranoia or not, I felt that the places I had fit in was no longer there for me. I struggled for a long time trying to find a new place: I did more quiet things, I kept my mouth shut unless my opinion was sought, and when it was I tried to tell people to address their concerns with others. I tried to keep playing nice. But that wasn't enough, apparently, and I was made aware that the comments were still being made.
Then, spring before last, as I was coming to the conclusion that there really *was* no place for me, I was told some hard things. Regardless of if they were true (which, in some cases, they actually weren't) it finished the breaking process.
Of particular hurt was the SCA ism...I am more chaos than service. Part of me found it almost amusing that one person who said that I'd spent some time supporting them and making things happen that they had forgotten about. Others I had supported and worked for and defended. The other part of me, finding out who had supported it, realized that there was no longer a place. What I had to bring to the table was not only unwelcome, it was considered without value.
So, I did nothing. I withdrew completely, made pleasant small talk and endeavoured not to get in anyone's way. And *still*, my very presence seemed objectionable. The people I was spending time with needed to be re-directed away from me. Somehow I was still offending.
This hobby is not worth the blood it extracts from my life. It is not worth the stress it puts on my relationship. It's not worth the price I've paid for it, dearly, in many ways. The community does not want me in any way that is meaningful to *me*. I'm often told "it's the people"....well...the people who want me make the effort outside the community. Those who don't have shown me their colours.
I am not the only one who's experienced this. The wonder is that it took 26 years to finally get me to the point where I decided the hobby wasn't worth it. This too creates conflict in my relationship, though we are managing that.
Not long ago there was a conversation about our group's event, and a joking comment was made that I might cook a feast again. The angry response came out, unfortunately - I couldn't keep it in. Is it any wonder that people stop? A friend once told me that fighting the good fight was ok...until you figured out that there was nothing worth fighting for. I think I've gotten to that point.