(no subject)
this is a post asking for the advice of my religious friends on LJ.
i was raised in a very old testament religion. dresses, long hair, no make up, no TV, etc. we met in homes and our "preachers" travel in twos with no worldly possessions or family. they go along living off of charity from the church. but it was slightly "hard core" i guess you could say. many of the old school church goer's believe if you aren't part of this church you go to hell, but then frown down upon other church's for having the same belief. When i got pregnant, they all knew it was a result of rape, but i still felt like i got disdainful looks and felt like an outcast. But even before then, i just didn't feel right there. I cut my hair short, had my ears pierced, wore make up, and was just, in general, the rebel of the church, until my mom quit trying for me, and i quit going. There was one "worker" (that's what they call them) that i really connected with. This was because he had been out in the world. he had been a drug addict (something unHEARD of in our church). In his testimonies he talked about using drugs, sleeping with women, and then finding his way. People looked down on his also, but i saw something in this man. for the first time since i could remember, there was a person in this church who had experienced the world...and come back. Aside from him the only reason i felt connected to the church was history with it. these other kids i had grown up with, my mother and her mother and her mother's mother had driven the hour or more to go to these meetings (they call them meetings instead of church) and had found their life there. Anyway, like i said, i quit going ASAP. I went back for awhile after Laerin, but like i said again, i felt like trash. I felt judged. They have "conventions" all over every fall." My mom always takes laerin and then i go on the weekends if i can, and i feel a lose everytime ...like part of me is gone because i'm not part of this anymore.
My mom still goes when she can. She quit for awhile because she felt like they judged her as well. She said she thought that having a TV and wearing some blush from time to time isn't anything compared to thinking that you are a holier person than someone else...in the grand scheme of "sinful behavior". My sister went through a kind of strange and tough breakup and found a boy in this church. They are together and plan on getting married and go to meetings several times a week. His parents look down on her because she mixes her dresses with fashionable tops....and you should have heard how upset they were that she wore flip-flops. It has put a real distance between my sister and me. No matter how hard she has tried, and no matter how "left" she is in their religion, she is still on the total "right" side of it all. and my occasional glass of wine, and my use of swear words, and my total leftist, radical points of view, are issues of sin i guess. I feel like we have nothing left.
So, like i said before, i go to these conventions and i guess, more than anything, i miss the holy feeling, and i miss, no matter how off base and judgmental it is, these people's super strong feeling of belonging to God. These people walk around all day in their skirts and long hair and they are ridiculed by the outside world...and they dont care. My best-friend was married ina similar church, her husband bought her a 1300 dollar ring. they joined the church a week later and were not allowed to wear jewelery, and while i think it was a waste of money, and kind of crazy, i respect and honor their devotion.
So, anyway, seeing the deal with my upbringing maybe you can understand why i have just shyed away from church totally.
I married a catholic and my religion totally clashes with his. We nearly didn't marry because of the differences. He didn't know that his catholic bible was written only for catholics. he thought all bibles had the same thing....we didn't agree on original sin, we had HUGE issues...and it almost killed our relationship.
I've had some crazy experiences with it all.
So last october or so I was really wanting to go to church. I believe in God (went through a breif period where I did not) and pray to him everynight. I want my daughter to have him in her life. So we went one time with a friend.
I really liked the church and loved the people. it was a 40 minute drive so it meant i had to drag laerin out of bed an hour before she normally wakes up. we went though, and, like i said, i loved it there. but the problem now is that, the friend we went with, we hardly ever speak to. the drive was long. and i went once and its been months so i feel strange going back now.
but i want laerin to go to church and i WANT to go to church for me. I have accepted the fact that todd will never ever go to church with us. He is catholic. He hasnt been to church in 6 years, but he still would never accept another church. and I cant go catholic. There are too many underlying issues. The priest that married us hated him and me both and made things so difficult. The religions we were raised in are like day and night and i want to find a middle ground. This way I know that I can go and tak her and if he ever decides to come along, we are meeting somewhere where we both are comfortable.
So ok..again, we went to the church and i just dont feel right going back. I know they would gladly have us, but it is such a drive and now that i dont hardly see the girl that brought us in the first place i think it would be weird.
I really want to find a good christian church to attend, but feel so out of place trying to just "drop in" on a church where i know no one. its like everyone is staring at me, but i just feel like it is so important ESPECIALLY after all these years to have Laerin in church. We had a God talk tonight. she said everyone was a baby once, even God. I said "actually God was never human...he made the humans"
I figured this would become a big long discussion with questions that i had no answers to, but it didnt. she just said "oh! how?" haha! I said "no one knows that but God honey, and that is exactly why he is God" and she say "okay...but jesus was a baby right?" so we discussed baby jesus and everything is great.
and this kid needs to be in church.
i just need to suck it up and go and be stared at and hope the people are kind. this is so important to me right now. everynight i go to bed and say my prayers and ask God to help me serve him more faithfully....i just need some guidance to get to a home to serve him in.