this is a gigantic but happy update haha.
no use... [09 Jan 2005|12:36pm]
[ mood | drained ]
[ music | Rocket-Yellowcard ]
hm so 2005 sucks so much so far and it's only day 9 the next 356 days better bring something good because so far i've been more depressed in these past 9 days then i really have ever been. Me personally i'm not a big complainer but i feel the need to right now so if you don't care to listen then i suggest you stop reading. Okay first off some of my best friends have stopped confiding in me and it really sucks i remember when the only thing that made you feel better was talking to certain friends and now all of a sudden it's like you're too scared to talk to that person in fear of what they might say..that's so wrong in so many different ways. Best friends talk to each other it's just what they do it's like written in the best friends rule book. ***PLEASE TALK TO ME WHEN NEEDED***.
School this year fucking sucks i miss our old school i mean i love the new school and everything with it's high techness and what not but i miss the pipe's bursting in our old school and the bathroom over flowing and our code 100 drugs busts and it being too cold to go to school and being able to draw on all the walls and lockers and not one teacher saying anything about it. last year we had so much freedom and it seriously was the best school year ever but now it seems like we're stuck in a prison and there's nothing fun to do ever.
Dance absoleutly blows and sometimes i think i want to kill myself when i have to go to class i don't even want to compete really and my dance teacher makes such a big deal about all the competitions and how important they are and if i have a question her answer is always "well this is how they judge at competition" okay i wouldn't have joined competition if she had a higher teen class the only reason why i joined was because i knew if i stayed where i was i wouldn't learn anything new i wouldn't be challenged and the girls in my class i want to strangle except for like 4 i put on a happy face while i'm there but really i want to scream, it's not fun anymore.
And last night it was brought to my attention that i'm basicly a horrible friend to some people and i'm ignorant as hell and it made me wonder if that was actually true.okay as an example some people have to hurt themselves in order to make themselves feel better and personally i don't think that's right i think it's really dumb and i usually don't wanna hear about it because i really don't support it but it never occured to me that the reason that someone is hurting themselves is because in some way shape or form their hurting too and instead of being supportive i'd flip out and get pissed off and kill the friendship because i didn't wanna hear about it but really by doing that i was just adding flames to the fire and realizing that too late really sucks and it really made me upset. i can't seem to find a happy medium place for that situation though so basicly i'm confused as hell and even going back and reading what i just wrote i get confused and i start to contradict myself i have no idea what's going on anymore. i usually live by this quote..
"never take it seriously. if you never take it seriously you never get hurt and if you never get hurt you always have fun."-almost famous
but now i actually think about stuff and take stuff seriously and it kinda pisses me off lol it's like i'm an angry kid sometimes and i'm always the happy one i don't like to wear my heart on my sleeve because my feelings are my feelings. basicly as long as i have good friends and good music and all that good stuff i'm fine and i'm happy and even being alone i'm usually happy nothing really can make me sad or make me go off the deep end i'm not sure anymore i think i'm going crazy
oh well i'm gunna stop ranting now because it's really not how i roll.
i congratulate you if you actually read that entire thing :)
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wow basicly i don't know how to react to that post. i can honestly say that when i wrote that post i was at an all time low and i felt sososo alone and yes it sucked but in a way i'm kind of glad i went through it because when you're at the lowest of all lows the only way out is up and everything certaintly did go up for me. my friend basis has never been better i have the most amazing friends ever and i've never been happier. i've never really had like a solid friend base i've always been kind of a floater but now i have a group to call my own and i love it and i love all of them so much. yes in that post i was having issues with one particular friend at the time but we've worked everything out and i've honestly never have felt closer to her and from that post i have become more open to other people's outlooks and opinions on things because i realized i'm never going to understand people if i continue being stubburn and not willing to listen to them.
school still was a prison haha but it was sososo much fun and we all made the best of it everyone's friendships and laughter helped everyone pull through this odd transistion but i have adapted to the new school and i'm kinda excited to head back to see everyone.
dance was still rough but i ended up having a really good year. all in all we won 2 high silver and 4 gold medals at competitions and they were a lot of fun. i think i complained so much about it because i always feel the need to do my best at dance and when i wasn't doing my best i beat everyone else down for it which yes wasn't a nice thing to do and i apologize to anyone if i hurt your feelings! i talked about quitting dance but i decided that i'm going to stick to it because i don't want to give up on it just because of a few bad days because i realize that it won't be worth it in the end.
i think all in all this school year and summer has been a success. but i honestly think the one thing that helped me so much this year was just being happy with myself which sounds stupid and corny but i came to terms with the fact that i'm not going to be a size 0 anytime soon and i'm fine with that i decided it's not worth pushing myself to be smaller then i am because i really am happy with myself and how i look and how i act and yes peoples opinions do matter to me but not to the extent of hurting myself to reach a goal like i use to. my friends and my family have been nothing but supportive of me these past couple of months and i appreciate them so much for it more than they will ever know.
so on January 9th 2005 i was a bummed out 16 year old feeling lower then low and now on August 9th 2005 exactly 7 months later i don't know if i could be any happier.