Big Girls Don't Cry
Title: Big Girls Don't Cry
Rating: PG
Warnings: manga spoilers, super mild mentions of sex
Summary: Haruhi had always known that moving toward the future meant leaving the past behind. She had just never imagined it would be so hard…
I wrote this for everyone who's graduating this year ^^
Haruhi had always known that moving toward the future meant leaving the past behind. She had just never imagined it would be so hard…
Sitting on a bench at the train station, Haruhi clenched and relented her sweaty hands in her lap. A glance at her watch told her it was five minutes past eleven. In the bright sunlight of the spring morning, there was little to make her dread the upcoming trip but the dread that clenched itself in her gut. There was excitement and there was the inevitable fear of the unknown, but the thing that was the most all-encompassing was the dread. But, Haruhi remembered, she had once heard that dread was not being able to stop worrying about something you could do nothing about. She was certainly not helpless in the situation; she could turn around and walk away at any moment. It was all her choice.
“Do what makes you happy,” her father had told her several months ago when she was still a third year student at Ouran Academy, struggling to pass her final exams and agonizing over college choices. “And everyone around you will be happy too. Especially me.”
“Will this make me happy?” Haruhi asked herself out loud, rolling her shoulders back to relax herself. She was taking the train to the airport where she would purchase a ticket for a flight to America for the following autumn (always good to book in advance, as she said). She had made the decision rather rashly and now she scolded herself internally for second guessing her own choices.
“You’ll be an adult soon, Haruhi,” she reminded herself. “It’s time to face the future. You can’t just keep clinging to the past. You’ve made this decision and you’ll stick to it.” Getting accepted into Harvard was, of course, an enormous honor, despite the fact that even with the scholarship she had gained she would be struggling to pay for it the whole way. She had also been accepted to Ouran University along with her old full-ride scholarship from high school, and it almost ached to turn it down. She knew both schools were equally reputable and she knew that she would gain a fine education from either, but she had had to make the choice that would stretch her wings more. “It’ll be a good experience,” she muttered to steady herself, and she was hit with a wave of painful nostalgia. Suddenly she found herself thinking of Tamaki, her on-again off-again lover over the past two years, and she pushed the thoughts away. They were “off” at the moment-- most likely for good, Haruhi realized with a little jolt, since she was going off to another continent-- and she figured it was easier this way.
Slowly, Haruhi let out the breath she hadn’t realized she was holding and leaned back a bit, trying to relax. It wasn’t even as though she was leaving yet; she had another few months before she had to leave, as the school term in America started in autumn. She wasn’t sure why she was so worked up over it. She let her eyes wander around the train station to take her mind away from her rampant thoughts and suddenly things became a lot worse. She caught sight of a tall figure with blondish brown hair wandering around by the drink machines. Quickly, she turned her gaze away. Thinking of him always made it more painful to think of leaving, and actually seeing what she was going to be missing was even harder. She willed him to leave without seeing her, but apparently she was no telepath.
“Haruhi!” Tamaki said happily as he caught sight of her, and his face broke into a sunny smile. As he strode over to her memories flooded back all at once; their accidental first kiss, the day she had told him she loved him for the first time at the airport, the night they had lost their virginity together… it all rushed into her like a whirlwind and at this last memory her hands clenched a little tighter. He reached her then, and for a moment she couldn’t breathe.
“Hello, Tamaki-senpai…” she said softly.
“All these years and you still can’t just call me ‘Tamaki’,” he said playfully, reaching down to ruffle her hair. It was a silly habit he had never seemed to have been able to break. “How are you, Haruhi? I haven’t seen you in almost a month!”
“Fine,” Haruhi managed a weak smile, and he plopped down on the bench in the spot beside her and stared calmly out at the tracks. “How are you?”
“Fine, fine,” he said with that infectious grin of his. “I just got back for Aoyama! I stayed in a motel… the kind commoners stay in!”
In many ways, Tamaki never changed. He was the one thing in her life that never did, and it made her vaguely afraid to be so close to losing that. “I bet you enjoyed that, huh?” Haruhi asked conversationally, and he nodded enthusiastically.
“More than anything!” he agreed. “So, what have you been up to?”
“Not much…” Haruhi admitted. “Just sort of enjoying what’s left of my old life before I have to leave.”
Tamaki nodded. “Wow. Harvard. You must be really proud of yourself. Not as proud of yourself as I am of you, though,” Tamaki gave her a tender look, and she had to smile at him.
“Thanks, senpai. For always supporting me, I mean…” she had broken his heart more times than she could even recall, she was sure, and yet he was always there for her like an obedient puppy. For a moment there was only silence, and then Tamaki cleared his throat purposefully.
“So, I heard you were having doubts about whether or not you really wanted to go…” he said finally. If Haruhi had been drinking at the moment, she would have done a rather embarrassing spit take.
“I… how did you know about that?” she asked, and Tamaki rubbed her hair affectionately like he had in the days when she was a freshman struggling to pay off a debt and discover her feelings for him.
“It’s written all over your face,” Tamaki answered softly, smiling at her. “If there’s one thing I’m an expert at, it’s figuring out what’s going on in that pretty head of yours. So why don’t you tell me all about it?”
“Well…” Haruhi clasped and unclasped her hands. “I feel like maybe it’s too big of a leap right now, in some ways. But it’s a great opportunity and… it’s like you always used to say; it’ll be a good experience.”
Tamaki laughed warmly. “Haruhi, you can have plenty of good experiences right here. You don’t need to go out of your way to get them. You’re going to be a wonderful lawyer because you have a pure heart that knows right from wrong. So you don’t need to run off to another country to get the experience necessary to become good at something you already have all the makings to be good at.”
Haruhi could only blink at him. Now and then he would show her moments of almost blinding wisdom and it was enough to surprise her silent. Now was one of those times. “But… I’ve already made a decision. I can’t just…”
“That’s the great thing about being human, isn’t it? We can change our minds,” Tamaki grinned. “So if you want to do the thing that makes you happy, you can always turn around and start down that path. Just because you feel like you should go as far as you can on this dream of yours doesn’t mean you have to go far physically. You’re getting lots of experience right where you feel comfortable.”
“But it’s such a good opportunity,” she clenched the material of her dress in her hands and twisted it nervously. He shifted and it was like it set off a chain reaction; his arm brushed hers and suddenly she could vividly smell his warm scent of roses and some subtle and expensive cologne. Instinctively she leaned closer, and Tamaki clasped an arm around her. These tender little motions were almost automatic to them, and Haruhi wasn’t sure whether it made her want to smile or cry. She knew he was right, but she wasn‘t entirely sure if listening to him was a good idea… especially not when being around him didn‘t also mean they were a “thing“, as Mei called it. It clouded her judgment. “And I’m growing up, so I have to act like it. Adults don’t give up huge and amazing opportunities just because they’re scared…”
“The way I see it,” Tamaki said thoughtfully. “What really makes you an adult is having the strength to follow your heart and do what’s right. Walking away from this decision won’t make you any less grown up.”
“Why do you care so much about this?” Haruhi asked, turning her head to face him as he brushed her hair back, so tender it was almost painful.
“Because I want you to be happy…” he whispered. All at once he was kissing her, and Haruhi, though she didn’t want to, melted into it and into him. Kissing him had always been one of those things that could make her head spin and her mind shut down. There were few things that made her react this way and it was enough for her to realize that it was important. Slowly she kissed him back and let him pull her close and closer still, until she swore she didn’t know where she ended and he began.
“I love you, Haruhi,” he whispered to her for what was probably the millionth time. It didn’t make her smile any less because of how many times she had heard it.
“I… love you too,” she answered, and Tamaki squeezed her just slightly. She was surprised by his self control. They were always doing this; coming back together no matter how many times they separated. It was almost as though they were pulled irreversibly into orbit with each other. It made sense; he always had been, in some sense, her sun.
“I know it sounds selfish but… please stay,” Tamaki said sheepishly. “I wouldn’t be trying to convince you if I didn’t know you wanted to stay deep down but… I would miss you too much, Haruhi. Way too much for me to let it happen now when what we both want is right here. Isn’t it?”
Haruhi looked at him mutely for a moment and found her answer somewhere in the tender adoration she could see clear as day shining in his indigo eyes. “It is…” she replied softly, almost afraid to say it but knowing it was true. She wanted to hit him for a moment, for making it so impossible for her to say no. But somehow, he was just martyr and she knew it; she wanted to stay but hadn’t been able to bring herself to give up the opportunity, and he was her reason. She had been looking for one and he stepped gladly into the role. He had filled so many roles in her life, she couldn’t help but realize; “father“, friend, motivator… but somehow, in this moment with him gazing into her eyes, she liked this role best of all.
“I knew you could never leave me,” Tamaki said playfully, grinning at her as though he had never been quite this happy before. “But really… I’m so glad.”
“Me too…” Haruhi replied, standing up. Tamaki followed suit. “Thank you… for giving me the courage to stay, Tamaki-senpai.”
“You know I’ll always be there for that…” he replied, and Haruhi didn’t doubt it for a second. All she could do was grin at him and bask in the warm of the feeling she got as he leaned over to kiss her forehead.
For a moment, Haruhi simply stood still and stared up into the bright blue sky. “Maybe I won’t be going as far as I can on this dream by staying here…” she glanced to Tamaki, who was smiling at her as if to say “what’s next?”. She smiled back. “But maybe I’ll go just far enough..”
“I’m hungry!” Tamaki announced, bouncing a bit. “To celebrate your decision, I’ll take you out to lunch. A… a date.”
Haruhi grinned at him. “I’d like that,” she replied. For the moment, all she could do was smile. Things were good. She would stay where she felt the happiest with this person she could never seem to get enough of. Maybe they were on for good this time, she hoped happily as Tamaki kissed her cheek and then took off sprinting in the bright afternoon sunlight.
“Let’s race!” he giggled. Haruhi could not bring herself to be irritated somehow in that bright golden afternoon. Instead she simply laughed too and smiled into the sun as she chased Tamaki toward the future.
Rating: PG
Warnings: manga spoilers, super mild mentions of sex
Summary: Haruhi had always known that moving toward the future meant leaving the past behind. She had just never imagined it would be so hard…
I wrote this for everyone who's graduating this year ^^
Haruhi had always known that moving toward the future meant leaving the past behind. She had just never imagined it would be so hard…
Sitting on a bench at the train station, Haruhi clenched and relented her sweaty hands in her lap. A glance at her watch told her it was five minutes past eleven. In the bright sunlight of the spring morning, there was little to make her dread the upcoming trip but the dread that clenched itself in her gut. There was excitement and there was the inevitable fear of the unknown, but the thing that was the most all-encompassing was the dread. But, Haruhi remembered, she had once heard that dread was not being able to stop worrying about something you could do nothing about. She was certainly not helpless in the situation; she could turn around and walk away at any moment. It was all her choice.
“Do what makes you happy,” her father had told her several months ago when she was still a third year student at Ouran Academy, struggling to pass her final exams and agonizing over college choices. “And everyone around you will be happy too. Especially me.”
“Will this make me happy?” Haruhi asked herself out loud, rolling her shoulders back to relax herself. She was taking the train to the airport where she would purchase a ticket for a flight to America for the following autumn (always good to book in advance, as she said). She had made the decision rather rashly and now she scolded herself internally for second guessing her own choices.
“You’ll be an adult soon, Haruhi,” she reminded herself. “It’s time to face the future. You can’t just keep clinging to the past. You’ve made this decision and you’ll stick to it.” Getting accepted into Harvard was, of course, an enormous honor, despite the fact that even with the scholarship she had gained she would be struggling to pay for it the whole way. She had also been accepted to Ouran University along with her old full-ride scholarship from high school, and it almost ached to turn it down. She knew both schools were equally reputable and she knew that she would gain a fine education from either, but she had had to make the choice that would stretch her wings more. “It’ll be a good experience,” she muttered to steady herself, and she was hit with a wave of painful nostalgia. Suddenly she found herself thinking of Tamaki, her on-again off-again lover over the past two years, and she pushed the thoughts away. They were “off” at the moment-- most likely for good, Haruhi realized with a little jolt, since she was going off to another continent-- and she figured it was easier this way.
Slowly, Haruhi let out the breath she hadn’t realized she was holding and leaned back a bit, trying to relax. It wasn’t even as though she was leaving yet; she had another few months before she had to leave, as the school term in America started in autumn. She wasn’t sure why she was so worked up over it. She let her eyes wander around the train station to take her mind away from her rampant thoughts and suddenly things became a lot worse. She caught sight of a tall figure with blondish brown hair wandering around by the drink machines. Quickly, she turned her gaze away. Thinking of him always made it more painful to think of leaving, and actually seeing what she was going to be missing was even harder. She willed him to leave without seeing her, but apparently she was no telepath.
“Haruhi!” Tamaki said happily as he caught sight of her, and his face broke into a sunny smile. As he strode over to her memories flooded back all at once; their accidental first kiss, the day she had told him she loved him for the first time at the airport, the night they had lost their virginity together… it all rushed into her like a whirlwind and at this last memory her hands clenched a little tighter. He reached her then, and for a moment she couldn’t breathe.
“Hello, Tamaki-senpai…” she said softly.
“All these years and you still can’t just call me ‘Tamaki’,” he said playfully, reaching down to ruffle her hair. It was a silly habit he had never seemed to have been able to break. “How are you, Haruhi? I haven’t seen you in almost a month!”
“Fine,” Haruhi managed a weak smile, and he plopped down on the bench in the spot beside her and stared calmly out at the tracks. “How are you?”
“Fine, fine,” he said with that infectious grin of his. “I just got back for Aoyama! I stayed in a motel… the kind commoners stay in!”
In many ways, Tamaki never changed. He was the one thing in her life that never did, and it made her vaguely afraid to be so close to losing that. “I bet you enjoyed that, huh?” Haruhi asked conversationally, and he nodded enthusiastically.
“More than anything!” he agreed. “So, what have you been up to?”
“Not much…” Haruhi admitted. “Just sort of enjoying what’s left of my old life before I have to leave.”
Tamaki nodded. “Wow. Harvard. You must be really proud of yourself. Not as proud of yourself as I am of you, though,” Tamaki gave her a tender look, and she had to smile at him.
“Thanks, senpai. For always supporting me, I mean…” she had broken his heart more times than she could even recall, she was sure, and yet he was always there for her like an obedient puppy. For a moment there was only silence, and then Tamaki cleared his throat purposefully.
“So, I heard you were having doubts about whether or not you really wanted to go…” he said finally. If Haruhi had been drinking at the moment, she would have done a rather embarrassing spit take.
“I… how did you know about that?” she asked, and Tamaki rubbed her hair affectionately like he had in the days when she was a freshman struggling to pay off a debt and discover her feelings for him.
“It’s written all over your face,” Tamaki answered softly, smiling at her. “If there’s one thing I’m an expert at, it’s figuring out what’s going on in that pretty head of yours. So why don’t you tell me all about it?”
“Well…” Haruhi clasped and unclasped her hands. “I feel like maybe it’s too big of a leap right now, in some ways. But it’s a great opportunity and… it’s like you always used to say; it’ll be a good experience.”
Tamaki laughed warmly. “Haruhi, you can have plenty of good experiences right here. You don’t need to go out of your way to get them. You’re going to be a wonderful lawyer because you have a pure heart that knows right from wrong. So you don’t need to run off to another country to get the experience necessary to become good at something you already have all the makings to be good at.”
Haruhi could only blink at him. Now and then he would show her moments of almost blinding wisdom and it was enough to surprise her silent. Now was one of those times. “But… I’ve already made a decision. I can’t just…”
“That’s the great thing about being human, isn’t it? We can change our minds,” Tamaki grinned. “So if you want to do the thing that makes you happy, you can always turn around and start down that path. Just because you feel like you should go as far as you can on this dream of yours doesn’t mean you have to go far physically. You’re getting lots of experience right where you feel comfortable.”
“But it’s such a good opportunity,” she clenched the material of her dress in her hands and twisted it nervously. He shifted and it was like it set off a chain reaction; his arm brushed hers and suddenly she could vividly smell his warm scent of roses and some subtle and expensive cologne. Instinctively she leaned closer, and Tamaki clasped an arm around her. These tender little motions were almost automatic to them, and Haruhi wasn’t sure whether it made her want to smile or cry. She knew he was right, but she wasn‘t entirely sure if listening to him was a good idea… especially not when being around him didn‘t also mean they were a “thing“, as Mei called it. It clouded her judgment. “And I’m growing up, so I have to act like it. Adults don’t give up huge and amazing opportunities just because they’re scared…”
“The way I see it,” Tamaki said thoughtfully. “What really makes you an adult is having the strength to follow your heart and do what’s right. Walking away from this decision won’t make you any less grown up.”
“Why do you care so much about this?” Haruhi asked, turning her head to face him as he brushed her hair back, so tender it was almost painful.
“Because I want you to be happy…” he whispered. All at once he was kissing her, and Haruhi, though she didn’t want to, melted into it and into him. Kissing him had always been one of those things that could make her head spin and her mind shut down. There were few things that made her react this way and it was enough for her to realize that it was important. Slowly she kissed him back and let him pull her close and closer still, until she swore she didn’t know where she ended and he began.
“I love you, Haruhi,” he whispered to her for what was probably the millionth time. It didn’t make her smile any less because of how many times she had heard it.
“I… love you too,” she answered, and Tamaki squeezed her just slightly. She was surprised by his self control. They were always doing this; coming back together no matter how many times they separated. It was almost as though they were pulled irreversibly into orbit with each other. It made sense; he always had been, in some sense, her sun.
“I know it sounds selfish but… please stay,” Tamaki said sheepishly. “I wouldn’t be trying to convince you if I didn’t know you wanted to stay deep down but… I would miss you too much, Haruhi. Way too much for me to let it happen now when what we both want is right here. Isn’t it?”
Haruhi looked at him mutely for a moment and found her answer somewhere in the tender adoration she could see clear as day shining in his indigo eyes. “It is…” she replied softly, almost afraid to say it but knowing it was true. She wanted to hit him for a moment, for making it so impossible for her to say no. But somehow, he was just martyr and she knew it; she wanted to stay but hadn’t been able to bring herself to give up the opportunity, and he was her reason. She had been looking for one and he stepped gladly into the role. He had filled so many roles in her life, she couldn’t help but realize; “father“, friend, motivator… but somehow, in this moment with him gazing into her eyes, she liked this role best of all.
“I knew you could never leave me,” Tamaki said playfully, grinning at her as though he had never been quite this happy before. “But really… I’m so glad.”
“Me too…” Haruhi replied, standing up. Tamaki followed suit. “Thank you… for giving me the courage to stay, Tamaki-senpai.”
“You know I’ll always be there for that…” he replied, and Haruhi didn’t doubt it for a second. All she could do was grin at him and bask in the warm of the feeling she got as he leaned over to kiss her forehead.
For a moment, Haruhi simply stood still and stared up into the bright blue sky. “Maybe I won’t be going as far as I can on this dream by staying here…” she glanced to Tamaki, who was smiling at her as if to say “what’s next?”. She smiled back. “But maybe I’ll go just far enough..”
“I’m hungry!” Tamaki announced, bouncing a bit. “To celebrate your decision, I’ll take you out to lunch. A… a date.”
Haruhi grinned at him. “I’d like that,” she replied. For the moment, all she could do was smile. Things were good. She would stay where she felt the happiest with this person she could never seem to get enough of. Maybe they were on for good this time, she hoped happily as Tamaki kissed her cheek and then took off sprinting in the bright afternoon sunlight.
“Let’s race!” he giggled. Haruhi could not bring herself to be irritated somehow in that bright golden afternoon. Instead she simply laughed too and smiled into the sun as she chased Tamaki toward the future.