all is falling apart
I have made the worst mistake one could ever make, and it's breaking me. I'm falling apart piece by piece, cell by cell, fiber by fiber. I know I did something wrong, but I have no idea what. I wish I did, maybe I would be able to rectify it, but in my current situation I just feel like shit. I have this constant pain in my heart, and a constant sadness on my face. Apperantly people are starting to worry, but how can I tell them what's wrong if even I don't know? I'm afraid, that's apperant, I feel worse then ever, that's obvious, but the reason is probably in some whitness protection program. Or playing hide and seek, without informing me I'm supposed to find it. I think it best to quit. But I can't hurt my friends that way. I already figured out a way. I will do it again. Last time it worked, so it will again. Only if one won't let me go, I won't go. Again ofcourse, I'm hoping someone will stop me, for I do not like this life, but I have to see if they care, for I can't live with these insecurities. I will see when I come home from holiday, in two weeks. Of to the UK tommorow morning at six. Will they care if they don't hear from me for two weeks, or will they be like always, indifferent about my life? If it's the latter, which I fear is true, I will close myself of again, and rebuild the walls they so considerately tore down, without my knowledge nor permission. I'm getting tired, of everything there is to get tired of. Tonight is my last night, tonight I'll go back there, and after tonight I'll start my experiment. If you read this and hang out with me in rael life, I must ask you to understand that I have to do this, either way I will be broken, but this is a far easier way. This is best for the last scrap of sanity I still posses, for I know my worlds have collided and are now merging, and that all because of the wall which you tore down. If you do not give up on me, then I know I can finish off the alternate worlds I live in when alone or distanciated from the crowd. If you do, I'll not let them slip away, for without a real life, I will need those friends I have there, nor could I ever leave my little brother behind. Only if my real life seems to be picking up, but I'm afraid that if I trust these humans, and finish off my own world, they will walk out on me and leave me with nothing at all. That I would not be able to handle. The only thing I need is reassurance. I am searching again, but without any clue as to where I should be able to find it. I am on a quest for answers. Answers everybody else either has, or pretend to have, but not one person is willing to give me even the slightest clue. We are all searching but usually a person finds an answer to a quest before they start a new one. I have never found an answer, and I would like one of the millions I am currently searching for. That is the exact reason why I am doing this 'experiment'. I will get one answer: Do they really care enough to notice me when I go back into hiding? If they do, I will never whine like this again, otherwise, it's my right too... hehe, no, I'm even annoying with these moodswings. How come they don't hate me yet? It's not like I am worth it, the constant bitching about things, the moodswings, the girly fits even. Why they still hang out with me, i don't know, but I will test their loyalty with this, and I'll see how it ends. Good bye everyone, Good bye living world.