83. Fever [Fading/Alone]
Title: Alone/Fading
83. for the Super Junior 100 fic challenge
Pairing: broken!HanChul, broken!HanHyuk
Rating: PG-13
Disclaimer: I still don't own Super Junior. And like I've said before, Hangeng wouldn't have sued me if I did.
Genre: Angst [first attempt]
Summary: No one knows the full reason as to why Hangeng left. He won't even admit it to himself anymore. Because really, who wants to admit that the reason they ran away from one of the most important things in their life wasn't because they were being mistreated, but rather because they didn't want to watch the most important thing in their life fade away like it already had?
Warning: Angst. It's probably not that great, since I'm really no good at this type of thing, but angst nonetheless.
Word count: 1,501
This isn't written from personal experience. I swear I'm lying.
Hangeng had left Super Junior. Everyone knew that. He had asked for a cease to his contract because he had grown sickly and despite his illnesses, the company he worked for continued to work him until he could barely stand. He was tired of it, and he needed to get away. If he kept on like this, it would only kill him. It would have been suicide.
What people don't know is the underlying reason. Actually, it wasn't the underlying reason, but the main reason as to why he left. But fans didn't need to know this. And Hangeng was perfectly fine with keeping it that way. Who wants to admit to a world full of people that the biggest factor as to why he left the band he was in, his everything, was because he was already losing it. Especially his relationship with a certain someone: Kim Heechul.
At first, Hangeng did not realize what was going. The telltale signs, such as the way the older man began to avoid him or would make sure they were always with at least one other member of the band so they wouldn't have to be alone together slid past his unaware eyes and mind.
When he did notice it, he chose to ignore it; the way Heechul's eyes averted when he walked into a room full of people or the way their conversations as they lay in bed together began to dwindle into nothingness. He told himself it was just his imagination and that nothing was wrong. He was just being paranoid.
He went about with this type of thinking for months, forcing himself to believe that everything was perfect as it had been before. Not a single thing was different. He was just imagining things.
But then, for some reason, one day, he realized it wasn't paranoia, and that everything that he thought was happening really was happening.
And it hurt.
He watched with sad eyes and a slowly breaking heart as Heechul began to drift away, to leave him alone as he had been in the very beginning. Maybe it wouldn't have been so bad had the other man just said something. But he hadn't. And that left Hangeng just as he was when he first came to Korea; with no one to talk to and a titanic knot of emotions slowly building in his aching heart, threatening to explode.
He was alone again, and this time, it was more frightening and overwhelming because he knew what he had to lose.
Everything.
After a long period of time where he watched his everything slowly slip out of his grasp, he grew angry. The emotions that tormented him every hour of his life finally erupted, but this time he didn't cry. Instead he threw things, he cursed in Chinese, and his bandmates just stood and watched in slight fear. When someone tried to console him, he pushed them away with a shout of, "I don't want you to comfort me."
No one seemed to understand what he meant, because not a single one of them pushed Heechul towards him to help. Or perhaps they had, and the man had just refused, too fearful to speak with Hangeng about what was going on.
Hangeng's black mood continued to grow even darker, until all that was left of the man before this was his body. He stopped talking to others, didn't bother to speak with Heechul, refrained from cooking, and even stopped dancing. Few ever tried to confront him about it, and when they did, Hangeng turned away, a cold fire burning in his eyes while he shrugged, not bothering to deign them with an answer. This went on until his band members finally gave up on trying to create any form of conversation with him.
One day as he was walking into the kitchen to grab something to drink, he saw Heechul with Siwon, flirting mercilessly, and he froze, his heart clenching painfully. He tried to ignore it, tried to go on his own way, but then Heechul caught his eye and his gaze made everything clear. Heechul's feelings for him had faded, a long time ago, and he was too scared and ashamed to admit it out loud in words to Hangeng. Hangeng immediately forgot his drink and bolted out of the room, not once looking over his shoulder to see Heechul's apologetic look and Siwon's confused one.
The realization that he was completely alone again hit him hard, twisting like a knife into his already battered and scarred heart and he collapsed, sliding down the wall in the hallway of their shared dorms as he cried. He cried harder than he ever had in his life, and the tears never stopped. He cried because he had pushed his bandmates away, he cried because Heechul in turn had pushed him away, and he cried because it was all his fault. He was the only one to blame. The agony that tore through him left him breathless and he blacked out as he leaned against the wall for support.
When he came to, he was in a semi-familiar room. Eunhyuk's.
"Hannie?" the younger man's voice called.
Hangeng attempted to lift his head up, but gave up when the leaden appendage didn't move. He was positive he had a fever.
"What?" he croaked out, his voice hoarse from all the tears he had shed.
"Are you okay?"
His first impulse was to growl and reply nastily with, "I don't want to talk with you about it," but the barricade that kept all of his hidden emotions back had already broken, and he found himself spilling every little detail to Eunhyuk like rapids spilling over a dam. He relayed how his relationship with Heechul was beyond gone, and how everyone around him was fading just as quickly because of his own actions. The younger man listened carefully, nodding his head or 'Mhm'-ing at the proper moments, and when Hangeng was finished, he realized he was crying again, and the thorny ball of relentless pain he held inside had grown a little more amiable.
Things began to look up for him.
After that night, he began to recover just a bit, with Eunhyuk's help. The two practiced together constantly, and remnants of the past Hangeng slowly began to piece back together.
It was a stormy night when the two were forced to stay in the practice rooms instead of leave in the pouring rain, and they were joking around, creating little dances together, when Eunhuyk, being as clumsy as he was, fell on top of an unsuspecting Hangeng.
In Hangeng's mind, things seemed to freeze momentarily in that instant before speeding up again. He vaguely remembers big wide eyes staring down into his own, he remembers a red face and then a pair of clumsy lips were pressed against his own and he ran. He quickly stood up, shaking the younger male off of him, and while ignoring the calls of, "Hankyung, I'm sorry!" he tore out into the rain. It pelted against his body, doused his clothes, and soaked his hair as he let his feet carry him wherever they wanted to.
That kiss had only served as a reminder. A reminder that he and Heechul were no longer.
He found himself back at the dorms eventually, and he silently slipped in, hoping that he wouldn't run into anyone.
Luck was on his side and he was able to make it to his room without any encounters. Once in his room, not bothering to recognize that Heechul wasn't in it, he began packing. He threw his clothes into a suitcase, tossed his few possessions in as well and zipped it quickly before he tiptoed out of his room as quietly as possible.
In the hallway, though, stood Eunhyuk, who glanced down at his suitcase and then up at Hangeng's face, understanding written all over it.
"You're leaving," he managed to choke out, tears in his eyes. It hadn't been a question and Hangeng knew that, but he answered anyways.
"Yes."
"Hankyung, I'm sorry. I really am. I can't say it didn't mean anything to me, but I won't do it again. I didn't mean to do that to you. I wasn't trying to hurt you. Please, don't leave."
Hangeng shifted his gaze to the floor momentarily before he stepped forward, past Eunhyuk, and continued walking, throwing the words, "It isn't your fault," over his shoulder.
That night he had gone to a lawyer. He asked to file a lawsuit against his company, claiming unfair treatment and a ridiculous, enslaving contract. It was months before the lawsuit finally took place, but then, he was free. He left SM without a glance back. No parting hugs, no goodbyes, in fact, no words. He knew everyone would be upset, but he couldn't handle facing them. He had already screwed things up and it was too late for him to return back to them.
Again, Hangeng was alone.
Sequel here:
83. for the Super Junior 100 fic challenge
Pairing: broken!HanChul, broken!HanHyuk
Rating: PG-13
Disclaimer: I still don't own Super Junior. And like I've said before, Hangeng wouldn't have sued me if I did.
Genre: Angst [first attempt]
Summary: No one knows the full reason as to why Hangeng left. He won't even admit it to himself anymore. Because really, who wants to admit that the reason they ran away from one of the most important things in their life wasn't because they were being mistreated, but rather because they didn't want to watch the most important thing in their life fade away like it already had?
Warning: Angst. It's probably not that great, since I'm really no good at this type of thing, but angst nonetheless.
Word count: 1,501
This isn't written from personal experience. I swear I'm lying.
Hangeng had left Super Junior. Everyone knew that. He had asked for a cease to his contract because he had grown sickly and despite his illnesses, the company he worked for continued to work him until he could barely stand. He was tired of it, and he needed to get away. If he kept on like this, it would only kill him. It would have been suicide.
What people don't know is the underlying reason. Actually, it wasn't the underlying reason, but the main reason as to why he left. But fans didn't need to know this. And Hangeng was perfectly fine with keeping it that way. Who wants to admit to a world full of people that the biggest factor as to why he left the band he was in, his everything, was because he was already losing it. Especially his relationship with a certain someone: Kim Heechul.
At first, Hangeng did not realize what was going. The telltale signs, such as the way the older man began to avoid him or would make sure they were always with at least one other member of the band so they wouldn't have to be alone together slid past his unaware eyes and mind.
When he did notice it, he chose to ignore it; the way Heechul's eyes averted when he walked into a room full of people or the way their conversations as they lay in bed together began to dwindle into nothingness. He told himself it was just his imagination and that nothing was wrong. He was just being paranoid.
He went about with this type of thinking for months, forcing himself to believe that everything was perfect as it had been before. Not a single thing was different. He was just imagining things.
But then, for some reason, one day, he realized it wasn't paranoia, and that everything that he thought was happening really was happening.
And it hurt.
He watched with sad eyes and a slowly breaking heart as Heechul began to drift away, to leave him alone as he had been in the very beginning. Maybe it wouldn't have been so bad had the other man just said something. But he hadn't. And that left Hangeng just as he was when he first came to Korea; with no one to talk to and a titanic knot of emotions slowly building in his aching heart, threatening to explode.
He was alone again, and this time, it was more frightening and overwhelming because he knew what he had to lose.
Everything.
After a long period of time where he watched his everything slowly slip out of his grasp, he grew angry. The emotions that tormented him every hour of his life finally erupted, but this time he didn't cry. Instead he threw things, he cursed in Chinese, and his bandmates just stood and watched in slight fear. When someone tried to console him, he pushed them away with a shout of, "I don't want you to comfort me."
No one seemed to understand what he meant, because not a single one of them pushed Heechul towards him to help. Or perhaps they had, and the man had just refused, too fearful to speak with Hangeng about what was going on.
Hangeng's black mood continued to grow even darker, until all that was left of the man before this was his body. He stopped talking to others, didn't bother to speak with Heechul, refrained from cooking, and even stopped dancing. Few ever tried to confront him about it, and when they did, Hangeng turned away, a cold fire burning in his eyes while he shrugged, not bothering to deign them with an answer. This went on until his band members finally gave up on trying to create any form of conversation with him.
One day as he was walking into the kitchen to grab something to drink, he saw Heechul with Siwon, flirting mercilessly, and he froze, his heart clenching painfully. He tried to ignore it, tried to go on his own way, but then Heechul caught his eye and his gaze made everything clear. Heechul's feelings for him had faded, a long time ago, and he was too scared and ashamed to admit it out loud in words to Hangeng. Hangeng immediately forgot his drink and bolted out of the room, not once looking over his shoulder to see Heechul's apologetic look and Siwon's confused one.
The realization that he was completely alone again hit him hard, twisting like a knife into his already battered and scarred heart and he collapsed, sliding down the wall in the hallway of their shared dorms as he cried. He cried harder than he ever had in his life, and the tears never stopped. He cried because he had pushed his bandmates away, he cried because Heechul in turn had pushed him away, and he cried because it was all his fault. He was the only one to blame. The agony that tore through him left him breathless and he blacked out as he leaned against the wall for support.
When he came to, he was in a semi-familiar room. Eunhyuk's.
"Hannie?" the younger man's voice called.
Hangeng attempted to lift his head up, but gave up when the leaden appendage didn't move. He was positive he had a fever.
"What?" he croaked out, his voice hoarse from all the tears he had shed.
"Are you okay?"
His first impulse was to growl and reply nastily with, "I don't want to talk with you about it," but the barricade that kept all of his hidden emotions back had already broken, and he found himself spilling every little detail to Eunhyuk like rapids spilling over a dam. He relayed how his relationship with Heechul was beyond gone, and how everyone around him was fading just as quickly because of his own actions. The younger man listened carefully, nodding his head or 'Mhm'-ing at the proper moments, and when Hangeng was finished, he realized he was crying again, and the thorny ball of relentless pain he held inside had grown a little more amiable.
Things began to look up for him.
After that night, he began to recover just a bit, with Eunhyuk's help. The two practiced together constantly, and remnants of the past Hangeng slowly began to piece back together.
It was a stormy night when the two were forced to stay in the practice rooms instead of leave in the pouring rain, and they were joking around, creating little dances together, when Eunhuyk, being as clumsy as he was, fell on top of an unsuspecting Hangeng.
In Hangeng's mind, things seemed to freeze momentarily in that instant before speeding up again. He vaguely remembers big wide eyes staring down into his own, he remembers a red face and then a pair of clumsy lips were pressed against his own and he ran. He quickly stood up, shaking the younger male off of him, and while ignoring the calls of, "Hankyung, I'm sorry!" he tore out into the rain. It pelted against his body, doused his clothes, and soaked his hair as he let his feet carry him wherever they wanted to.
That kiss had only served as a reminder. A reminder that he and Heechul were no longer.
He found himself back at the dorms eventually, and he silently slipped in, hoping that he wouldn't run into anyone.
Luck was on his side and he was able to make it to his room without any encounters. Once in his room, not bothering to recognize that Heechul wasn't in it, he began packing. He threw his clothes into a suitcase, tossed his few possessions in as well and zipped it quickly before he tiptoed out of his room as quietly as possible.
In the hallway, though, stood Eunhyuk, who glanced down at his suitcase and then up at Hangeng's face, understanding written all over it.
"You're leaving," he managed to choke out, tears in his eyes. It hadn't been a question and Hangeng knew that, but he answered anyways.
"Yes."
"Hankyung, I'm sorry. I really am. I can't say it didn't mean anything to me, but I won't do it again. I didn't mean to do that to you. I wasn't trying to hurt you. Please, don't leave."
Hangeng shifted his gaze to the floor momentarily before he stepped forward, past Eunhyuk, and continued walking, throwing the words, "It isn't your fault," over his shoulder.
That night he had gone to a lawyer. He asked to file a lawsuit against his company, claiming unfair treatment and a ridiculous, enslaving contract. It was months before the lawsuit finally took place, but then, he was free. He left SM without a glance back. No parting hugs, no goodbyes, in fact, no words. He knew everyone would be upset, but he couldn't handle facing them. He had already screwed things up and it was too late for him to return back to them.
Again, Hangeng was alone.
Sequel here: