Remember me?
The main reason I've not written in a stupidly long time is that I start writing with the intention of taking the stupid shit that buzzes through my head and putting it somewhere where I'm not. This seems to have become so effective that by the time I'm half way through writing, my brain has settled down in its favourite armchair with a nice hot cup of shut the fuck up.
I've been living alone for the last year, so really, I've had no excuse.
My voyeuristic side has been well sustained. Just tonight I had the privilege of hearing the gasps of womanly pleasure emanating from the house next door as a girl therein enjoyed a considerate fuck. You know, the sort you have when you really don't want to wake everyone else in the house up. That fact, plus the weather, meant that I had to stand by the washing line to hear with any clarity, which in turn meant I froze my arse off, but it was worth it - when she finally came her orgasm was soft, sweet, intense and beautiful.
I do get annoyed at myself when I do that, but what the hell...I'm horny as all hell at the moment.
Also, a while ago I stumbled upon a veritable goldmine of porn that actually interests me. I now have over 24 hours worth of female masturbation movies. No prizes for guessing what I'll be doing as soon as I finish writing this. If indeed I finish it at all.
I really hate being horny. Especially as horny as I am right now. To quote myself, "I want a vagina to masturbate with while its owner masturbates with my penis." It is so fucking pointless. D'you know, I got the snip to sort out my little issue with sex four years and two weeks ago. And I still don't know whether or not it had the desired effect because I'm just too damn chickenshit to try and find out. And I have no idea how I'd go about it anyway. I'm terrified to get into a relationship, just in case it turns out that I still can't handle the whole sex thing, and I don't want to put someone through that. The "understanding female friend" idea I'm not terribly keen on, largely because I think if I suggested it to any of my female friends I'd get a black eye and lose a friend. Or, sleep with her and lose a friend when it gets awkward.
A prostitute is right out, because if someone's going to have sex with me, I want it to be because she wants to, not because she's being paid to.
Thing is, though, I just can't imagine anyone actually wanting to have sex with me. Not in real life, anyway. The closest I've come to having a sex life in the last few years is masturbating to the sound of girls getting themselves off over the phone. All of them in other countries. Oh, I don't mean sex lines or anything, actual real people, just none of them in the same country as me.
It's all starting to become a sad, stupid joke.
So, I had this idea. A very very stupid idea, I know this, but right now it feels so logical. I had the idea that what I need is a kind of sex tutor, for want of a better way of putting it. So I was thinking of signing up with some dating website that includes the option of a casual sexual fling, stating my case, and seeing what happens. See, I couldn't do the one night stand thing, because I'd want to get into it slowly, and I'd want to try out various kinds of sexual stuff, the whole spectrum from naked cuddling to dirty horny pornographic lust. Sort of thing.
I'm not explaining myself terribly well, because I feel stupid even thinking this, let alone typing it with the intention of posting it on the internet. My skill with words goes down the toilet when I feel stupid.
But, you know, I just can't go on like this. Listening to the neighbours, watching girls get themselves off on camera...I would very much like to see and hear a female orgasm that I had some personal involvement, you know?
I gotta go...my head is buzzing loudly with the memory of my last girlfriend lying on her back, legs wide apart, my tongue pressed hard against her clit, she thrusts her hips upwards, rubbing her cunt against my face and screaming with pleasure. I need to get it out of my system.
God, I just want someone to play with.
Oh well.