Of Hopes and Dreams
Title: Of Hopes and Dreams
Pairing/characters: HanHae, other SJ members
Rating: PG
Genre: romance, friendship, angst(?)
Summary: Dare to dream?
A/N: It wasn't quite long ago since I last posted HanHae... but... mmm... it felt like an eternity.
Dreams.
They’re made of resolutions, ambitions, and… just all the little things one often think about but could never have.
Make sense?
That’s right. That’s what Donghae believes.
He has a lot of dreams. So many that you could actually get tired just by naming it. He’d rather not dwell on it. But there’s this one dream that he was adamant on holding onto. This one person that he’d never get tired of mentioning…
Hangeng.
Hangeng is what his dreams are made of.
His friends had often mocked at what a lovesick puppy he looked like whenever the beautiful man was around, but Donghae doesn’t care. Whatever they say, it didn’t mean anything to him at all, no, it didn’t. Not until Hangeng announced that he was going away to study.
“Hyung,” Donghae stood in the doorway of Hangeng’s room and caught sight of the older man’s back. He was sitting on the bed, busy folding and tucking clothes into his luggage.
Hangeng whipped his head around at the sound of his name and saw Donghae. In his baggy sweats and oversized shirt, the younger man looked even smaller and kind of cute. Hangeng smiled.
“Donghae, it’s late. Why aren’t you asleep yet?” Hangeng said softly as he made space for the other to sit with him.
“I… You’re leaving tomorrow?” Donghae wasn’t sure what he was talking about.
“Yeah,” A smile stretched the perfect lips and Donghae wonder how long it will be when he sees this again.
Nodding hesitantly, Donghae chewed on his bottom lip.
“Is there something you want to say to me?”
Hangeng’s voice broke his trance and he looked up at the man who was staring expectantly at him. “W-what? Oh, I uh…” Donghae laughed awkwardly. “N-no. No, I don’t have anything that I want to say to you. I just, you know-“
He sighed on his attempt to make everything looked okay because it’s not. It’s not okay. Hangeng is going away and who knows when he’ll be back.
“I’ll miss you.”
Hangeng raised a brow at the statement. He ruffled his hair and chuckled at the shy whisper from the young man. “I’ll miss you too. I’ll miss every one of you.” He brushed a thumb over Donghae’s cheek where a blush tinted faintly on the delicate skin.
Donghae forced a smile and chewed on his bottom lip again. A habit he adopted since he met the other, but Hangeng would always chide him for it. And as time passes, Donghae wasn’t so sure if it was just a nervous gesture that he does around Hangeng, or an attempt to gain the attention of the elder anymore.
“Don’t do that.” Hangeng tapped on his chin and softly reprimanded. “I hope you can kick this habit of yours when I’m away. Or else you’ll have a missing lip even before I come back.”
“Ahh, hyung,” Donghae pouted. “That’s too exaggerated.”
“…”
“Oh right, here you go.” Hangeng held out his hand.
“What’s that?” Donghae beamed at the gift from Hangeng.
“It’s my lucky shell. I’m giving it to you” Hangeng chuckled as an excited Donghae snatched the shell from his hand.
It’s a very special shape. None like what Donghae had ever seen before. It was shiny, an emerald green that sparkles even without the help of any light.
“How unique. It’s beautiful, thanks hyung.”
Hangeng couldn’t help smiling at the sight before him. His precious dongsaeng, grinning, eyes wide and bright… everything about him screamed of innocence.
“All right, it’s late. Go to sleep you little fish.” Hangeng stood and lifted a yawning Donghae effortlessly, swatted him lightly on the butt before sending him off to his room.
“Good night hannie.” Donghae stood at the doorway and reluctantly said the words. He wanted to stay up longer with Hangeng but his eyes were already protesting with effort.
“Nights.” Hangeng’s voice was muffled as he bent to pick whatever he’d dropped, not bothering to look back at the younger man who was dreading to leave.
Feet dragging heavily toward his room, Donghae felt tears welling up in his chest. He missed Hangeng already.
***
“Where’s Donghae?” Leeteuk chirped but straightened his face as he saw a fuming Heechul walking past him.
“Oh, you mean where’s that bratty fish-that son of a fish-“
The rest of the sentence was muffled as Leeteuk slapped a hand over the slender man’s mouth. “What’s with your language?”
Heechul widened his eyes before brushing the hand mercilessly away and nearly spat. “Go ask him yourself. He’s turning his own room upside down and accusing me of breaking into his territory!” Rolling his eyes and letting out an exasperated sigh, Heechul stormed off, leaving a frowning Leeteuk standing by himself in the walkway of their house.
***
“Donghae.”
A voice called out and Donghae was sure he’d heard that from somewhere before.
“Donghae ah.”
Oh, that name. Now, that sounds familiar too.
“Lee Donghae!”
He yelped when a shout pierced his deep thought and gasped when a hand grabbed him by his shirt and hauled him up where he was digging fruitlessly from the pile of mess around him.
“What are you doing?”
A frowning Leeteuk looked down at a pretty flustered Donghae. His hair was disheveled, pajama was crumpled, and all in all, he looked a total mess.
“What happened to you?” Worry framed the elder’s face as he cupped Donghae’s face in both his palms.
“It’s gone.” Donghae’s eyes darted to everywhere except Leeteuk’s eyes.
“What’s gone?”
“It’s gone. Gone-Hyung, it’s gone!” Donghae shook Leeteuk to emphasise his point as he looked around anxiously.
“What’s gone, Donghae?” Leeteuk asked again worriedly as he joined in the digging with his dongsaeng, unsure of what he’s looking for.
“My lucky shell-it’s gone-where-gone-“ Donghae muttered to himself over and over until Leeteuk shook him.
“What shell? Where’d you last saw it?” The elder asked seriously when he saw how disconcerted the smaller man was. He frowned even more when all of a sudden, Donghae just stopped and sat himself down on the floor and cried.
It doesn’t make sense. It doesn’t make any sense at all. Leeteuk had never heard Donghae talk about any lucky shell and here he was searching desperately for it.
He soothed his hand down the other’s back, comforting him, providing assurance. “Don’t worry, we’ll find it.”
Dramatically, something caught his attention from his peripherals and he turned his head abruptly to the corner of the room. “Is that it?”
Donghae snapped his head up from his hyung’s shoulders, sniffled, and turned towards the pointed direction. He lit up and shot to his feet.
Brushing absently at the little shell, “Hannie, this is really a lucky shell.” Donghae grinned to himself as he looked down at the sparkling emerald, holding it close to him as if it was a baby.
Every change of emotion in the younger man was unveiled like a play in front of Leeteuk. He sat in the midst of the mess of Donghae’s room and frowned. He’d frowned so much in that single morning that he reckoned his wrinkles would map their way back out despite his anti-ageing mask. He sighed.
Hangeng ah, what a simple man like you could do to Donghae…
***
“Hangeng??”
The surprised voice from Leeteuk had Donghae snapping his head up from his game with Kyuhyun. He stared at the elder who squirmed uneasily under his scrutinising gaze as he held his cell phone to his ear.
“Uh huh… uh huh… yeah, don’t worry, everyone’s doing great… yeah… oh my, do take care of yourself over there… what? Oh, okay, I’ll pass it over to him, hang on.”
Donghae widened his eyes when Leeteuk held out the phone to him with a knowing look. With shaky fingers, he took over the little gadget. Finally… he’d waited long for this day… so long…
“H-hello?” He mentally slapped himself for the unstable voice.
“Donghae?”
His heart clenched at the excitement in the voice over at the other line. They’re so near yet so far.
“H-hyung.”
“How are you little fish? It’s so cold over here. I hope it’s not as cold as it is over at Korea, but do take care okay.”
“I’m d-doing fine hyung. Thank you, you take care too all right?” Donghae frowned when he heard a cough.
“I’m fine, just that my body’s doing a little adjustments for the weather here.”
Donghae’s heart skipped a beat when the familiar laughter floated to his ear. He smiled, and felt that it was something he hadn’t been doing since Hangeng left two weeks ago.
“I see.” And that was all Donghae could say.
“Yeah…”
Hangeng gave an awkward laugh at the other side of the line and politely asked for Donghae to pass the phone back to Leeteuk, which the younger man readily did so. Leeteuk took back his phone with a dimpled smile.
Donghae watched with envy how easy it was for both his hyungs to interact. It wasn’t that he had nothing to say to Hangeng. He had so much to say. He had so much he wanted to tell Hangeng. He wanted to tell him that he missed him, that he dreamt of him almost every other night, and that he was having the strongest urge to fly over to wherever he was to look for him… He wanted to tell him… He wanted to tell him that he couldn’t bear to pass each day without him by his side.
How he wished, oh, how Donghae wished he had the courage to dream, once again.
***
Time passed so fast Donghae could almost feel it slipping through his fingers. Trying in vain to catch it, wanting it to just slow down… not that he didn’t want seconds to tick, it’s just that, things are moving too fast, way too fast for his liking. His head throbbed and he shuts his eyes as if he could block out the pounding in his ears. He rested his head on his table and sighed, thankful for the momentary calm in the quiet house.
Then, hushed whispers interrupted his peace.
“What?! Then-then did he say when?”
“No, he’s not sure himself. Teukie ah, I promised him not to tell anyone, so promise me you won’t tell anyone all right?”
“Of course… ah, Kangin ah, I just hope he can come back to us on time.”
“He hoped for that too. Don’t worry, he’ll make it.”
Oh, time really did stop this time. What’s happening? Why was he having a bad feeling about this? Is Hangeng having some kind of terminal illness or something? Were they talking about Hangeng? Donghae was sure it’s Hangeng they were talking about. Was it? Questions flooded his mind as he fought to rationalise.
What happened to you Hannie?
***
Donghae slept that night. Sudden fatigue claimed him and he couldn’t even find the energy to wait up for the only two people who knew what happened to Hangeng. It was a very fitful night for the young man as he dreamt of ugly hands grabbing for Hangeng, reaching for him. Dark holes closing in on the elder as he looked helplessly at Donghae, eyes pleading for help, and all Donghae could do was staring back as helplessly as the other.
He woke up crying, arms flailing, calling out to the name that sounded foreign to his tongue after months of loss of contact with the one man he loved.
Hangeng. Yes, Donghae loves him. He hugs himself tight, wound his blankets around his petite frame and wished the warmth it gave was from the arms of Hangeng. He clutched his pillow to his chest as he cried into it, trying to no avail to ease the contraction of his heart that was so tight it was suffocating him.
It was hours later that tears no longer were available, dried up from their once rich dam, eyes raw from the acid of the diamond drops, energy completely drained… Donghae drifted off to sleep.
***
Shuffling sounds rouse the young man from his light sleep and he sat up in his bed. He rubbed his eyes and looked around his room. Everything was still the same, but had yesterday been just a nightmare? Or was it real…
Donghae got out of his bed, stumbled a bit, and made his way slowly out of his room. It was strange because it was so quiet. It would have made sense when one was living alone, but living with a dozen others… that is not quite normal.
He was rounding the little corner where it was leading to the living room when (a little cliché) he got the shock of his life.
“HAPPY BIRTHDAY!”
Donghae gave a cry of surprise and clasped his hand over his mouth when his friends threw confetti and blew wolf whistles. Amidst the cheering and clapping, someone came out from behind of everyone.
Hangeng.
The greatly missed man pushed a huge cake that was sitting securely on a cart out and he was smiling. Donghae missed that smile, that neat set of teeth and that twin pink lips… He missed Hangeng.
Hangeng. Is that really him? Wait, if Hangeng is here, then…
“Happy birthday Donghae.” Hangeng beamed.
Donghae felt his chin wobble and a tear escaped. “H-hannie,” He stammered. “I-I-“
Everyone around him laughed at his stammering and one by one, they gave him bear hugs in the happy occasion. Donghae was still trying to recollect his emotions when Shindong started digging into the cake.
“Wait-“
An abrupt firm voice caught everyone’s attention and they all turned to the birthday boy.
“I-It’s my birthday?”
The whole room gawked at his statement and some nearly lose their balance even though it was firm solid ground they were standing on.
“Donghae ah, it’s October 15. Your birthday, you silly fish.” Hangeng was the only kind one to even bother to reply him while the others turned their attention back to the cake.
It was then that everything was finally making sense to him. The conversation between Leeteuk and Kangin… Of course! It was just them worrying whether Hangeng would be in time for his birthday celebration. Whoa, time really passed that fast.
“Ahhhhhhh-“ Donghae let out a relieved long note as he returned to his cheerful demeanor. He turned towards Hangeng and eyed him cheekily while the other stared back suspiciously at him.
“Wha-“
“HANNIE!”
Donghae launched himself onto the taller man and giggled uncontrollably as the happiness in him bubbled, easing his heart of all tightness, lifting his spirits, and brightening his soul all at once. He folded his legs around Hangeng’s waist as the other man cursed a whole string of incoherencies into his ears and staggered from Donghae’s weight.
But there’s only one sentence that the smaller man clearly made out and he was definitely sure it was not random incoherency. He knew the other meant it. It was a whisper. A whisper meant only for his ear as hot breath tickled his neck.
You are what my dreams are made of.
END--