Just moping around
I remember when my dad died, I sort of broke my "I'm not writing ever again," promise to myself because I had this need to immortalize him, somehow. As usual, my article was not published. Probably not even read. But, that's okay. It was action. And I'm not turning this post into a Mariah memorial. In case you didn't read my facebook announcement, my nearly 20-year old cat passed quietly last Saturday. It was completely peaceful and there was no pain. She just...stopped breathing. And, for her sake, I couldn't ask for more. She was healthy to the end. I think she just literally wore out her body.
And I miss her like anything. I have two cats now (the least amount of feline companionship I've had in over 20 years, I think).And my dog. But, each one is special and Mariah brought something completely different to my life's table. And, I think that's why I'm a bit teary tonight. Not really so much for her (how can one complain about not having enough time when given a gift of two decades of life from a being that isn't expected to ever live that long?)... but for the sheer passage of time. I remember a couple of years ago, when I had another cat die suddenly, I looked at Mariah and thought...I can't ever lose her. She has been with me through everything. In a very strange way, she knew more about me than any living being. I adopted her when my life was in a total downward spiral. I was clinically depressed. Lost my job. Drank too much. Every day I felt like I had less and less to offer this world. And, my cats, at the time, were really the only reason I felt the need to get up some mornings. They knew the part of me that I kept hidden from the rest of the world. I was so...embarassed to be me, at that point in my life. So much promise, all sort of squandered. That's what I felt. That's the me they knew. And loved, in spite of my self-loathing. I think that's what helped me through that time. The fact that they were seeing something I was not. And it wasn't just...she's the lady with the food. It was the moments they'd come to me and brush against me, or sit on my lap, or snuggle behind my knees when I slept. Or...just give me a look.A look that helped me through one more day.
A few years after that, when I got my act together (and some may say I got it "too" together because I've turned into a control freak extraordinaire) ... I made a promise to treat them the way they should have been treated. Not as an obligation, but as the blessings they were. And, I think I did that.
Mariah lived through most of my 30s, all of my 40s and the beginning of my 50s. She first knew me when my dad and grandma were alive. When each of my original "cats of Pelham Parkway South" died. She moved with me to three different places. She saw me through a lot of things. As I said to someone, the ugly, the bad and--finally--the good. And, she saw the uncensored me. The one I even keep hidden from my family and those closest to me.
Animals are amazing. I'm a Catholic and there are many things I don't agree with ... as far as Church doctrine is concerned. But, I remember one day, an older priest was giving the sermon and he said something about how foolish it was to think animals get into heaven. Because, really, they have no souls. And, I just sat there and sort of dug my fingernails into my flesh to keep myself from...I don't know. Throttling the Padre? I think we all may have it wrong. I think they may be the ones with the highly evolved souls. The highly evolved ability to love. And we're so full of ourselves that we think we're the only ones who can do this and we are doing THEM a favor when we adopt them. When, really, in the best of situations, it's a mutual thng. If there is a heaven, and I do believe there is (of some sort), I'm sure Mariah is Napoleon-ing it around all over the place. She was a tiny cat with a HUGE personality. And I'm sure she's amusing everyone.
So, anyway, back in this realm, I'm feeling a bit old today and a bit grumpy. But, at the same time, I feel what I felt last Saturday, and that's just this deep gratitude that I've had these amazing critters sharing my life with me. And I'll get over myself soon enough.
And, now, for your viewing pleasure...another kitty picture. My Mariah. (and I promise not to do this all the time...I just felt like it now).
