Life is like a rollercoster...
Some days I find myself sitting in my nook and being depressed over my insecurities. Especially today.
After three weeks of concentrating on sickly kid(s), a birthday party and its preparations. I was jumping up and down and was so freaking energetic and happy all week that it's not even funny... Today that everything is over and boys would go to their dad's for the next week... I simply felt totally empty and worthless and every muscle hurt and just dragging through the day was a task. And of course it didn't help at all to notice that ex brought his current fiance with him when he came for the kids. I'm sure he didn't think if that way, (or perhaps he did, I wouldn't know anymore) but it surely felt like he was rubbing it on my face that he has new relationship and I don't have anything but my two kids... Truth to be said, I wouldn't put it past him to actually be that windictive... Dunno.
The date I mentioned... well... the guy was nice but... for a guy who's looking for a new relationship he spoke awfully lot about his ex, even though in a bitter way. I really don't want to know every fight or their trials on the first date... He did the most of the talking all evening... and of the subjects I knew nothing or very little about. It was nice to have company for a couple of hours but still.... I just didn't feel any kind of interest while talking with him face to face. It was a let down but also a relief... Funny that.
Maybe I have built this overprotective bubble around me. I find it really hard to break out of it and move forward. In any way.
I have also tried to write job applications. I hate it. I just feel so insecure of my talent.. if there's any. I don't have a clue how to advertise myself and frankly I hate bringing myself up front, even though I know I should.
Sometimes I wish I could just up and go and move into a totally different country and start all over... Simply, only thing keeping me here are my boys, because I really don't want to leave them behind and right now I also can't afford to take them with me should I have the opportunity to leave. Oh what to do....
I think I will wrap myself into a cocoon for the rest of the evening and then tomorrow I'll do something for myself... and try to get things moving.
After three weeks of concentrating on sickly kid(s), a birthday party and its preparations. I was jumping up and down and was so freaking energetic and happy all week that it's not even funny... Today that everything is over and boys would go to their dad's for the next week... I simply felt totally empty and worthless and every muscle hurt and just dragging through the day was a task. And of course it didn't help at all to notice that ex brought his current fiance with him when he came for the kids. I'm sure he didn't think if that way, (or perhaps he did, I wouldn't know anymore) but it surely felt like he was rubbing it on my face that he has new relationship and I don't have anything but my two kids... Truth to be said, I wouldn't put it past him to actually be that windictive... Dunno.
The date I mentioned... well... the guy was nice but... for a guy who's looking for a new relationship he spoke awfully lot about his ex, even though in a bitter way. I really don't want to know every fight or their trials on the first date... He did the most of the talking all evening... and of the subjects I knew nothing or very little about. It was nice to have company for a couple of hours but still.... I just didn't feel any kind of interest while talking with him face to face. It was a let down but also a relief... Funny that.
Maybe I have built this overprotective bubble around me. I find it really hard to break out of it and move forward. In any way.
I have also tried to write job applications. I hate it. I just feel so insecure of my talent.. if there's any. I don't have a clue how to advertise myself and frankly I hate bringing myself up front, even though I know I should.
Sometimes I wish I could just up and go and move into a totally different country and start all over... Simply, only thing keeping me here are my boys, because I really don't want to leave them behind and right now I also can't afford to take them with me should I have the opportunity to leave. Oh what to do....
I think I will wrap myself into a cocoon for the rest of the evening and then tomorrow I'll do something for myself... and try to get things moving.