i see your empty lies (don't leave me)

Aug 01, 2012 21:28

...kaisoo i don't even what

hush baby speak softly tell me i'll be sorry / that you pushed me into the coffee table last night / so i can push you off me

"Fuck you!"

Thin walls can't hide screams that bounce off the sides, through the plaster and into the other rooms. Words are laced with poison and meant to hurt, to sting; they bite and claw and Kyungsoo's just listening to them through his sullen room. Hoarse voices scream and yell at each other, like they're soaring across oceans just to reach. Kyungsoo wants to reach up, clap his hands over his ears to stop the noise; stop everything, but it doesn't work, and the words just keep coming - keep coming, and never going.

There are sounds. Shuffles, little mishaps. A bang against the wall. A shrill scream. Muffled shouts. Maybe sometimes he hears sobbing. A heart-wrenching sort of cry that makes you wonder what kind of monster would do this. Kyungsoo curls up into himself in his dark room, wishing that it would all stop somehow. Wishing that the pain, the hurt would go away.

It takes a while - a second - for him to realize that it's his voice that's screaming.

Eyes are ablaze in a mess of fury and a milder sort of anger mixed together. Something hot and heavy presses against the back of his lids, but he doesn't fall under the pressure. Blood pressure spikes; cheeks flush red, fists clench together.

He's not sure what the fighting is about, really. The meaningless sounds falling from their lips don't matter. It's each strike, each poised sword that's the real weapon. It's their intention. It's not about the dramatic tantrums of the crush of glass underneath his feet, or the plates breaking against the lamps. It's how Jongin looks so flustered, so hateful, and Kyungsoo feels a sort of pleasure - a terrible, dark pleasure - that seeps through his pores at the sight.

this is all your fault, Kyungsoo thinks, you deserve every moment of this crap.

Kyungsoo likes taunting him, likes seeing the fire suddenly ignite in Jongin's eyes. He thinks that it's fair punishment, considering how many times Jongin's made him feel the opposite - so alone, cold, all huddled up into himself like the Kyungsoo sitting in the corner of that dark room in his mind.

When Jongin reaches out and skin touches skin, a shove and a push and just a little - innocent - no don't touch me you fucking bastard - Kyungsoo loses it.

He's been going through this pain for so long, and he has had - enough.

Kyungsoo can feel the fire on his fingertips, and the bruise that lasts on the corner of Jongin's mouth leaves him satisfied for days.

and it's sick that all these battles / are what keeps me satisfied

Jongin drinks too much.

Kyungsoo knows that he does. He sees Jongin shoot down another bottle, adam's apple moving along in time with every swallow, liquid flame burning down his throat. Sometimes Kyungsoo wishes that it would be actual fire, so that Jongin would burn, but then he chastises himself.

Without Jongin, Kyungsoo thinks, all he is empty words and broken wishes.

Kyungsoo doesn't like it when Jongin's drunk, though. There's not much he can do about it - Jongin's always been stubborn for as long as Kyungsoo's known him, and once he starts something, he can't stop it. Kyungsoo knows this. So why has he always let Jongin do what ever he wants?

Maybe it's because he's weak, some part of his mind tells him. He's too invested to care, too blinded to focus on the fact that maybe - maybe - this was all wrong and that he really shouldn't stay here in the same spot when Jongin goes on one of his drunken tantrums, throws pillows and crashes lamps and suddenly everything is too loud - too loud - and too there and Kyungsoo feels the last bits of his sanity breaking just as the glass coffee table does.

Jongin presses him roughly against the wall, and Kyungsoo chokes and gasps for breath because it's sort of - really - hard to breathe. Jongin presses his lips to Kyungsoo's and Kyungsoo tastes bitter alcohol and the remnants of long-forgotten anger, swirling around in his mouth.

It feels too good and Kyungsoo knows that he shouldn't like it, shouldn't smile when he sees bruises that can be easily hidden with long sleeves and turtlenecks, shouldn't let Jongin do this to him - send him down a viral of destruction that eats him from the inside out, but it feels too good and the fire burning underneath his skin flares blue and kyungsoo doesn't - he doesn't want it to stop.

His mind swims down like he's drowning, drowning, and there's no one to resuscitate him, no one to pull him over. oxygen burns in his lungs and fights for dominance but doesn't get fed - there is hunger, an insatible hunger inside him, a dark part of him laughing and egging him to continue - to ruin yourself because this is what you've always wanted you asshole, you bastard. jongin pays attention to him when no one else does with his dark eyes and he sucks kyungsoo in like a vortex and kyungsoo - kyungsoo just can't keep focus the world is a mess of colours and light and bright, burning fire -

this house is too large, if you move out i'll burn all two thousand / feet of it to the ground, ain't shit you can do about it

when kyungsoo runs away, it's not forever, because jongin has him - jongin has always had him, and kyungsoo's too much of a mess to fix any of it.

so when kyungsoo flees to another part of the country, it takes a day and a half and maybe a few minutes give or take - jongin's not really counting - until he comes back to the front door, wild-eyed and pulls jongin down so that their mouths crash together. kyungsoo's brain shortcuts and backfires, and he knows that this is the adrenaline rush, the life that he's so obsessed with searching for. his mind is uncomprehensible and he doesn't care, he doesn't care because nothing - nothing - in the world makes sense like the way he loves jongin so much that he wants to kill him.

somewhere in the corner of his mind, he wonders when he'll get sick of it all again, and he wonders when the cycle will ever be broken, when he'll finally be able to be free and away with this self-destructive path that he's on - the poison that burns him from the inside out - and some part of him says that there's no hope anyway, so drown while you can.

with you, i'm in my fucking mind / without you, i'm out it.

pairing: kaisoo

Previous post Next post
Up