Balance (2/2)
Title: Balance
Author:
wildcat88
Approx Word Count: 13,000
Genre: Angst
Fandom: Stargate Atlantis
Spoiler Warning: Everything through The Daedalus Variations
Pairing: McKay/OFC
Summary: When life crumbles for Rodney McKay, a special emissary is sent to help him find his way. It's a Wonderful Life SGA style.
Author’s Notes: Many thanks to
leesa_perrie and
jayne_perry for the beta. All faults mine.
Part 1
xxx
Rodney maneuvered delicately through the control room, hopping the last three steps and flinging himself in a chair. He propped the crutches against the console and eased his leg under it. “If I ever find the guy who planted that bear trap….” He sighed then focused on the display before him.
“Incoming wormhole,” Chuck announced. “It’s Colonel Sheppard’s IDC.”
“Lower the shield,” Rodney ordered, struggling to his feet with a frown. “They’re early.”
He hobbled to the railing as Sheppard, Teyla, and Woolsey plodded through. They were covered in dirt and had numerous scrapes and contusions, all turning grief-stricken faces to him at the same time.
“Oh, God.” Rodney stared at the stargate, flinching violently when it shut down. “Oh, no, no.” He shook his head as Sheppard slowly climbed the stairs. “Please, no,” he begged.
“God, McKay, I’m so sorry.”
“No.” He backed away from Sheppard, shaking his head furiously. “Oh, please, God, no.”
Sheppard grabbed McKay’s arms, holding him upright when his knees buckled. Rodney clung to him for a second then pushed away. “I don’t understand. They’re peaceful. We’ve been there a hundred times. Where is she? What happened?”
Teyla grasped Rodney’s hand. “There was a culling-”
Rodney jerked his hand from hers. “Then we’ll find the ship she’s on. Give me a few-”
Sheppard blocked his path. “Didn’t take her on a ship.”
“Then what-” Rodney whirled away with a stifled cry, turning his back to them and gripping the railing until his knuckles turned white and his entire body trembled. His head dropped to his chest. “Where is her body?” he whispered.
Sheppard squeezed his shoulder. “Ronon stayed with her.”
McKay pulled away, glancing up as the stargate reactivated and Lorne’s team headed out with a body bag. “How? Why her?”
“We became separated when the culling began,” Woolsey explained. “Colonel Sheppard and Teyla were pinned under some rubble, and I was across the compound. Hannah tried to stop a Wraith from feeding on a young woman. By the time I reached her, it was too late.”
“Is it dead? The Wraith?”
Sheppard nodded, his eyes turning cold and flat. “All of them are.”
“Good.” Rodney grabbed his crutches and headed for the transporter, oblivious to the tears coursing down his face.
“McKay,” Sheppard called.
“Just leave me alone.”
Rodney hurried to his quarters, barely making the last few meters to the bathroom before his stomach turned inside out. The retching eventually turned to dry heaves then faded. Stumbling to the bed, he collapsed on it, curling on his side and burying his face in her pillow, breathing in her scent. The tears came faster, hard sobs that racked his frame. When the tears finally subsided, he shuffled to the bathroom, washed his face, and combed his hair. Grabbing his crutches, he slowly made his way to the daycare.
“Rodney never shed another tear after that,” Janus said.
Clarika turned to him, horrified. “There’s nothing you could do?”
Janus shook his head grimly. “One of the few times the Others prevented me from helping.”
“No wonder he is so sad.”
“He was a robot at first, making funeral arrangements, taking her body back to Earth. When he returned, he withdrew, locked himself in his lab for days at a time, almost dying from exhaustion and grief. His team slowly coaxed him out, but after Hannah’s death, Rodney’s purpose in life became perfecting his Wraith weapon. His grief turned to rage. He was consumed with hatred for the Wraith, determined to destroy them or die trying.”
xxx
“But I don’t want to go,” Rodney whined. “I’ve got like a million things to work on.”
Sheppard grabbed his sleeve and tugged. “You have to go. It’s your birthday party. The big five-oh.”
“All the more reason not to go.”
“Whatever.”
“Seriously. I’m close to finding the right sequence for the virus.”
“It’ll keep another couple of hours.”
“Sheppard….”
John wheeled around, planting himself in front of Rodney. “It’s been two years, McKay.”
“I’ve been working on it longer than-”
“I’m not talking about your Hive Destructor. You’ve hidden behind that damn project long enough.”
“Am I not following the John Sheppard grief recovery schedule?”
Sheppard huffed in frustration. “Your kids need you. They’ve spent more time in my quarters than yours since Hannah died.”
“They understand the importance of my work.”
“No, they don’t. They think you don’t care about them.”
“They told you that?”
“They didn’t have to. I’m not blind. You’re holed up in your lab, sacrificing yourself and them in the search for vengeance. It’s like they’ve lost both parents.” Sheppard’s gaze was intense. “You didn’t die that day, Rodney.”
“Yes, I did!”
“Is this what Hannah would want?”
Rodney sucked in a breath. “Don’t you dare.”
“What? Remind you that she loved you? That she would want you to go on with your life? To be happy? To take care of yourself and your kids?”
“Stop it!”
John scrubbed the back of his neck. “Fine. I don’t know what else to say anyway. We’ll be on the east pier if you decide to come.”
Sheppard stalked away, leaving Rodney staring after him. He looked back toward the lab and the program he’d given himself to. “The east pier, huh,” he muttered. “Guess we need more space these days.” His head dropped in his hands, and he rubbed his temples. “God, I miss you. What should I do?”
Atlantis hummed around him.
He headed back to the lab.
xxx
“Daddy?” Beth said tentatively.
Coffee cups bounced as Rodney slammed his hands on the worktable and wheeled around. His five year old hovered inside the door, ponytail haphazard and wearing a dirty sundress. “How many times have I told you not to disturb me in the lab?”
Beth’s chin jutted forward. “Joey’s hungry.”
“Then get him something to eat.”
“You know the rules. No kids in the cafeteria without an adult.”
He rubbed his forehead. “Can this wait?”
“No. We waited all day, but you never came. I can’t get him to go to sleep.”
“Then… go find Aunt Teyla.”
“But Daddy-”
“No more buts. Now, I’ve got work to do.”
“You always have work to do.”
“Not another word. Go.”
Beth stomped out, and Rodney turned back to his program. Half an hour later, the doors to the lab slid opened, and a compactly built woman in BDUs walked in, leading Joey and Beth by the hand.
“Dr. McKay?”
“Oh, for God’s sake. What now?” He glanced up. “Sorry, um… Major….”
“Sheffield, sir. Lydia Sheffield.”
“Major Sheffield, why do you have my children?”
“Because they were trying to go through the stargate, sir. I barely got it shut down before they made it through. If I may, this is a big city, sir. Children aren’t supposed to be left unattended.”
“First of all, no, you may not. Second, I know exactly how big this city is. I’ve been here almost fifteen years. Third, what the hell kind of lax security is going on in the control room that kids are able to dial the gate?”
Sheffield’s brows rose, and a dimpled grin crossed her face. “Respectfully, sir, we usually don’t have to worry about kids in the gateroom period much less at this time of night.”
“This time of…. What time is it?”
“Oh-three hundred, sir. Now, if you’ll excuse me, I have to get back to my post. Gotta watch for all those dangerous kids plotting to take over the gateroom.”
“You’re a laugh a minute, Major.” He rolled his eyes then called, “Thank you for… you know.”
“Yes, sir. Have a good night.”
Once the door swished shut, he turned angrily to Beth, ignoring the hurt in her eyes and Joey’s tear-stained face. “Dialing the gate? What were you thinking?”
“You said to get Aunt Teyla to help me feed Joey. She’s on New Athos this week.” She grabbed Joey’s hand and headed for the door.
“Where do you think you’re going?”
“What do you care?” she tossed over her shoulder just before the doors shut.
xxx
“May I join you?”
Rodney looked up at the question. A woman in BDUs with mousy brown curls and a full tray stood next to his table. “Yes, um, Major… Leftfield.”
She chuckled. “Sheffield. And please, call me Lydia.”
“Yes, well….” He cleared his throat as she sat down and took a huge bite of her sandwich.
“Mmmmm…. That’s heavenly.”
“It’s a sandwich.”
Lydia laughed. “It’s a good sandwich. After twenty years of Army slop, this is ambrosia.”
“Army? When did they start letting the Army come here?”
“Well, at least five years. That’s how long I’ve been on Atlantis.”
“Seriously? Why have I never seen you before?”
She popped a grape in her mouth. “Probably because you weren’t paying attention.”
“I pay attention to the important stuff.”
Her brows shot up then she burst into giggles. “Gee, thanks.”
“Oh, um, I didn’t mean that… ah….” He blushed furiously as she grinned at him. “Thanks again, by the way…. My kids….”
“Not a problem. You know,” she wiped the corner of her mouth with her thumb, “they’re great kids. Really smart and easy to get along with. I’ve had the pleasure of working in the daycare when they were there.”
Rodney squirmed in his chair and glanced away. She watched him for a minute then piled her trash on the tray and stood.
“Thanks for letting me share your table, Doc. Have a nice day.”
His eyes flicked in her direction. “Yeah, you too.”
xxx
Rodney hauled three full baskets to the laundry room, staring in dismay at the long line of washers and driers, all of which were in use. He set the baskets on the floor, clenching his fists to stop his hands from shaking, kicking at an empty chair. Raking his fingers through his hair, he paced the length of the room, checking each machine.
“I do not have time for this,” he hissed.
A face peered around the corner. “Dr. McKay?”
Startling, he whipped around. “Oh, Major… ah… Shef…field.”
Her face lit up. “That’s right. But you were going to call me Lydia, remember?”
“Yes, yes, of course. Sorry. I didn’t realize anyone else was in here. Apparently all of Atlantis needs to wash clothes right now.”
Her cheeks flushed. “Actually, I’m using most of them.”
“What? Why would you use every last machine? Don’t you have any respect for other people?”
She smiled gently. “I didn’t say I was using all of them, just most. My unit takes turns doing laundry. This week is my turn.”
Rodney glanced down the row of machines. “How many people are in your unit?”
“Twenty. I was folding a load on the table in the back when I heard you. Are you okay?”
He huffed a laugh as he dropped into a chair. “Oh, yeah. Peachy. I’ve got staff meeting in half an hour, and my kids don’t have anything to wear today.” He stared at his hands, rubbing his palms together. “What the hell was I thinking having kids?” he mumbled.
She sat down next to him, folding her hands in her lap. “My mom used to say that all the time after my dad died. There were four of us. We were always under foot, needing something. Sometimes it was just too much for her to do alone.” Lydia turned to face him, her eyes soft and compassionate. “I know your family has been through a tough time. Do you have any help?”
“My psychological state is none of-”
“Not mental help, Doctor. Help help. Someone to do laundry, clean your quarters, make sure your kids get fed, that kind of thing. My mom never had that kind of help and, well, things got worse until the state took us away from her. Just a little help will make a difference.”
“Oh.” He cocked his head to the side, brow furrowed. “I never thought about it.”
“It’s okay to ask for help. Even with all the people we have here now, it still feels like one big family, and we take care of each other. Colonel Sheppard drills in ‘leave no one behind,’ but that means more than just on the battlefield.”
“I- I wouldn’t know where to start.”
She grinned at him. “Then let’s start small. I’m on laundry duty anyway. Leave your stuff here. I’ll make sure it gets done and returned to your quarters.”
“Did he accept her help?” Clarika asked.
“Grudgingly,” Janus answered. “But Lydia didn’t give up. She made sure his kids were well-fed and where they needed to be on time. She arranged for the cleaning staff to straighten his quarters and taught Beth a game called ‘sort the laundry’ then added it to her unit’s wash each week. But while the children were cared for, their relationship with Rodney continued to deteriorate. Lydia noticed, orchestrated events to capitalize on the little bits of free time Rodney allowed himself. And despite his best efforts, Rodney began to emerge from his shell. For a while.”
xxx
“Hey, buddy.”
Joey looked up from the computer screen in surprise. “Hi, Daddy.”
“What are you doing?”
“Uncle John showed me how to play golf.”
“Golf? That will rot your brain.”
“It will?”
“No, but don’t tell Uncle John that. I’ve almost got him convinced.” Rodney sat down next to him. “Can I join you?”
“You know how to play golf?”
“Of course. Uncle John taught me how years ago.”
“Did it rot your brain?”
Rodney grinned as Joey handed him the controls. “That’s what I’m blaming it on.”
xxx
The mess hall was mostly deserted when he entered. Lydia was easy to spot, sitting on the balcony in civvies, reading a book, and sipping a bottle of water. Rodney grabbed a cup of coffee and headed toward her.
“May I join you?” he asked.
Lydia glanced up, one hand reaching to smooth her unruly curls when she saw him. “Of course, Doctor.”
“Rodney.”
Her ears pinked. “Rodney. Are the kids okay?”
“Yep. They’re having a slumber party with Sheppard’s kids at Ronon’s. They’ll probably come back experts in knife throwing.” He grinned when she giggled. “What are you reading?”
She flipped the book over to show him the cover.
His brows shot up. “Les Miserables. In French.”
“I like the classics.”
“I’ve heard that.” He set a package wrapped in brown paper on the table.
“What’s this?” she asked.
“Open it.”
Her eyes grew round as the paper fell away. “Moby Dick! I love this book.” She gasped as she flipped through the pages. “A first edition? Oh, Doc- Rodney. I don’t know what to say.”
He shot her a rueful grin. “Well, that book and I have history.” The grin faded as he leaned forward. “It’s the least I can do after all you’ve done for me and my kids. I can never thank you enough.”
Lydia glanced at him through her lashes, her blush deepening. “You’re welcome.”
xxx
Beth looked up from the lunch table when her name was called. “What are you doing here?”
Rodney pulled a cupcake from behind his back. “It’s your birthday, Bethie. Where else would I be?”
She smiled shyly as he stuck a candle in and lit it. “Thanks, Daddy.”
“Happy birthday, sweetheart. Make a wish.”
Squeezing her eyes tightly shut, she took a deep breath and blew it out hard, clapping when the flame winked out. Rodney grinned and pulled the candle out then unwrapped the cupcake.
“Chocolate with chocolate icing. Your favorite.”
She took a big bite then offered it to him, giggling as icing smeared on his nose. “Oh, Daddy. Use your napkin.”
Clarika studied their faces. “What changed?”
“Rodney had a breakthrough in his research.”
“He found a way to defeat the Wraith?”
Janus sighed. “Once he found the right sequence, he became fixated again, ignoring everything and everyone in his quest. His kids rarely see him and have stopped asking for him. He stepped down temporarily from his team in order to complete his testing. He’s been working nonstop for weeks trying to perfect the delivery system. And he’s close. Which brings us to today.”
xxx
Rodney stumbled into his quarters in the pre-dawn darkness. He jumped in the shower then brushed his teeth and tugged on a fresh uniform. He was shaving when the door opened and Beth blinked sleepily.
“Daddy?”
“I didn’t mean to wake you. Go back to sleep.”
Joey pushed in behind her, rubbing his eyes. “Where’s Momma?”
Rodney froze. “What did you say?”
Beth waved a hand vaguely. “That’s what he calls Lydia.”
He squatted down, looking Joey in the eye. “Lydia is not your mother.”
“Is so. She takes care of me, reads me bedtime stories, makes my lunch. That’s what Aunt Teyla does for Torren and Charin, and she’s their momma.”
Beth grasped Joey’s shoulders and pointed him out the door. “Go back to bed, Joey. Lydia will be here soon.” When her brother padded out, she looked at Rodney with old eyes. “He’s right, you know. She’s the only one who takes care of us.”
Rodney stared after her as she slipped out. Refusing to meet his own eye in the mirror, he cleaned up and headed out, locating Lydia on guard duty in the gateroom.
“Major, can I have a word?”
“Of course,” she answered, confusion flickering on her face.
“In private.”
She turned to the Marine nearby. “I’ll be right back, Lieutenant.”
“Yes, Ma’am.”
Lydia followed him down the steps and around the corner. “What’s wrong?”
“What the hell do you think you’re doing?”
“I don’t understand.”
“Joey just asked where his mother is,” Rodney hissed.
She sighed, eyes downcast. “I’m sorry about that. I’ve tried to explain to him-”
“Well, try harder. While I appreciate all you’ve done, I didn’t ask you to do it.”
Lydia stepped back, face white. “You really have no idea, do you?”
“No idea about what?”
“Why I do this.” She shook her head, blinking rapidly. “Don’t worry, Dr. McKay. I won’t be bothering you again.” Swiveling on her heel, she marched back to her post, spine and shoulders stiff.
Rodney watched her leave, took a step in her direction then stopped, frowning. “What am I doing?” he mumbled. “I’ve got better things to do than chase after some emotional….” He glanced at her one last time then headed back to his lab.
A couple of hours later, Sheppard poked his head in. “You set?”
Nodding, Rodney patted his vest pocket. “The injector is prepped and ready. We’re good to go.”
“Then let’s go try it out.”
They headed to the jumper bay where Ronon and Teyla waited. Woolsey gave them the green light, and they lifted upward, soaring through the bay roof and into orbit where the Zephyrus waited. They landed in the 302 bay and headed to the bridge.
“Welcome aboard,” Colonel Morgan greeted then turned to his flight officer. “Take us out, Major.”
Once they broke orbit, they opened a hyperspace window and headed for a remote part of the galaxy. Half an hour later, a hive ship arrived, and Sheppard’s team headed back to the jumper.
“We’re set, Colonel,” Sheppard said.
“Bay doors are opening.” Rodney rekeyed the HUD. “We’re good to go.”
“As soon as you’re clear, we’ll commence attack. Don’t keep us waiting. Morgan out.”
The jumper cloaked and zoomed out of the bay as the first wave of darts launched from the hive. Sheppard guided the jumper stealthily through the maze of ships and weaponsfire, landing in the dart bay. They raced through the ship, P-90s blazing as they sought the correct terminal.
McKay plugged in his tablet and scrolled through schematics. “Got it!” He ripped the connections out and followed his team down the corridor. “Go left,” he instructed. “We’re looking for the level beneath the bridge.”
“Beneath the bridge? You don’t want much, do you?” Sheppard slammed a full magazine into place. “Let’s go.”
They moved quickly, shooting only when they had to, until they reached the room indicated. A mass of tendrils undulated, spreading in every direction.
“It’s all yours, McKay,” Sheppard said.
Rodney pulled the injector from his vest, gripping it tightly as he moved to the center of the room. He located the heart of the mass and jammed the injector in, releasing the virus.
Sheppard clapped a hand on his shoulder. “We need to move.”
Jerking his head sharply, Rodney tucked the injector in a pocket and followed his team to the dart bay. The Wraith they encountered along the way seemed confused, uncertain, and were easily defeated. They rushed into the jumper and burst from the hive. Darts surrounded the Zephyrus, causing quite a light show as they jerked and flopped and slammed into its shields. The hive shook then pulsated as it fired on the Zephyrus. The energy blasts blew through the shields.
“Those are Asgard shields,” McKay muttered. The HUD flickered to life as the hive fired another volley. “Oh, my God. Those shots are reading ten times more powerful than before.”
“Zephyrus, this is Sheppard. Get out now! Zephyrus, do you read? Their weapons are stronger. Get-”
The ship shuddered under the onslaught and exploded.
“Shit!” Knuckles white, Sheppard zipped through the debris, trying to avoid the darts that had zeroed in on his transmission. The inertial dampeners struggled to keep up with Sheppard’s maneuvers.
“Oh, my God. What have I done?” Rodney whispered.
“McKay, I need you to focus.” Sheppard’s voice was low, intense. “We are light years from Atlantis and surrounded by Wraith. We have to find a way home.”
“Yes, yes, of course.” Rodney turned his attention to the readouts. “Okay, the third planet in this system has a gate. It will take… about ten hours to get there.”
“I’m sure the Wraith know about it,” Sheppard replied. “They’ll be expecting us.”
Darts swooped around them, firing blindly. Sheppard continued to weave his way, hiding behind larger portions of the rubble. Suddenly the remaining darts retreated, all of them shakily returning to the hive. A hyperspace window opened, and they were gone.
Rodney bit his lip, staring furiously at his laptop, calling up various readings.
Sheppard shot him a sideways glance. “McKay-”
“I don’t know what happened,” Rodney snapped. “I need some time to figure it out.”
“It didn’t work,” Ronon said.
“Oh, thank you, Mr. Obvious. As if I couldn’t tell that when the Zephyrus blew up killing all four hundred and fifty-six people on board.”
Teyla laid a tentative hand on his arm “Rodney, we all knew the risk.”
He shrugged her off. “It doesn’t change the fact that I killed them.”
“The Wraith killed them, McKay. Place the blame where it needs to be,” Sheppard said.
“The Wraith killed them because somehow my virus magnified the power of their weapons. Hannah was right,” Rodney added bleakly. “I’ve created another Michael.”
“You don’t know that,” Sheppard reminded him.
“Don’t I? You saw what happened.”
“We don’t know that your virus caused it.”
“Stop! Just stop. The Wraith didn’t magically upgrade their weapons while we were onboard. I did it. Me. I screwed up. That hive is more powerful than ever - and still out there I might add - and the Zephyrus has been destroyed instead. Nothing you say is going to change that.”
The rest of the trip was spent in silence.
When they finally arrived in Atlantis, Rodney brushed past his teammates and hurried out of the bay, ignoring Woolsey’s calls and the eyes of the control room crew. The transporter deposited him near his quarters, and he trudged the rest of the way, shoulders slumped. The doors slid open to a darkened room and humming which stopped as soon as he stepped inside. Lydia was sitting in the corner, rocking Joey.
She stood with the boy in her arms. “Excuse me, Doctor. I’ll put him to bed then leave.”
Joey whimpered and nuzzled her shoulder. “Momma?
Lydia brushed the hair out of his eyes and kissed him on the forehead. “No, sweetie. It’s Lydia. I have to go now.”
“No,” Joey whined. “Stay.”
“I can’t.”
Beth shuffled into the room, rubbing her eyes. “What’s going on? What did you do, Daddy?”
“Nothing, Bethie,” Rodney answered. “Go back to bed. Lydia, you don’t-”
“No!” Joey screamed. “Don’t leave me, Momma!”
Rodney took a step back as his son wrapped arms and legs around her and sobbed hysterically. “It’s okay, Joey. Lydia’s-”
Beth ran to them, throwing her arms around Lydia and staring balefully at Rodney. “This is all your fault, Daddy! Why don’t you leave us alone? I hate you!”
He staggered backward, meeting Lydia’s stricken eyes. “I- I-”
The more Lydia tried to extricate herself, the tighter the children held on. Rodney swallowed thickly then turned and walked out.
He wandered the halls for a while eventually ending up in his lab. After typing an email to Jeannie, he uploaded the video feed from the failed test, looping it continuously.
“Poor Rodney.” Clarika circled him as his head dropped in his hands. “He must feel like his life is falling apart.”
“He does,” Janus said. “He’s close to the answer. He can’t quit now.”
She turned to him, aghast. “You want me to convince him to continue to work on the virus?”
“In a word, yes. I believe his weapon is the answer to defeating the Wraith. But, he needs to find a balance. The virus isn’t the only thing he’s contemplating quitting.”
“Atlantis.”
Janus nodded. “And worse - his family. He’s lost his way. You have to help him find it.”
“My limitations?”
“None. Do whatever it takes. Ready?”
Clarika drew a deep breath and nodded. “Yes.”
“Then I’ll see at the rendezvous point later. Good luck.”
“Take care,” she called as he vanished through the ceiling. Turning her attention to Rodney, she circled him again. “Now, how do I get your attention?” She watched as he finished a program that would delete his research. “Oh, no, you don’t.” She transformed into a girl of eight and solidified as he reached for the enter key.
“Hello.”
Rodney jerked upright and spun around. His jaw clenched when he spotted her. “What are you doing here?” he hissed. “Where are your parents? Who are your parents?”
“My parents ascended when I did.”
“Ascended. Yeah, right. Did do you do that before or after recess?”
Clarika smiled sadly. “You are quite a cynic, Dr. McKay.”
“Well, there’s a newsflash.” He crossed his arms and glared. “Go home.”
“I must complete my mission first.”
“And what mission would that be?”
“To help you find yourself.”
“I’m not the one who’s lost,” Rodney said.
Clarika stepped forward and took his hand. “Yes, you are. And sadly, you don’t even realize it.”
“I’m not in the mood for this, kid. Get lost.”
“I can’t. I have to complete my mission first.”
“Riiiiight.” He turned back to his workstation and reached for the keyboard…
… which disappeared completely.
“What the hell?” Rodney stumbled backward and stared at his computer then at her. “Who are you?”
“My name is Clarika.”
“And you’re an Ancient.”
“No. My people were destroyed by the Replicators several years ago. An Ancestor named Janus helped us to ascend.”
He squinted at her. “Janus? Why does that sound familiar?”
“I believe he helped Dr. Weir save the expedition.”
“He’s the guy who programmed the failsafe to make the city rise.”
“Among other things.”
Rodney looked her up and down. “And you’ve been sent here to help me.”
She beamed at him. “Exactly.”
“You look like the kind of Ancient I’d get.”
“I’m not an Ancient,” Clarika protested.
“Whatever.” He turned his back to her, staring once again at the video of the Zephyrus’ destruction.
“Look, Dr. McKay, I need you to listen.” She tugged on his arm until he faced her. “You can’t give up.”
Self-loathing glittered in his eyes. “You don’t know what you’re talking about.”
“Yes, I do. You’re going to erase your research, leave Atlantis, ship your kids off. You think your life is over.”
“Over?” he laughed bitterly. “So far it’s been a complete waste. I destroy everything I touch. My children hate me. My wife is dead. The project I’ve dedicated years of my life to is a total bust. Why the hell am I even here?”
“You can’t find any value to your life?”
“At the moment, no. I’m doing more harm than good. This universe would be better off without me.”
Clarika gaped at him. “You don’t mean that.”
“Yes, yes, I do.”
“You wish to be dead?”
Rodney frowned at her. “Of course not.” He sighed, shaking his head. “But right now, I’m wishing I’d never been born.”
“To never exist would be….” She tilted her head as she considered him. “You really wish you’d never been born?”
His eyes drifted to the looping video. “Yeah,” he said quietly.
Rodney flinched as brilliant light filled the room. When he opened his eyes, he stared in horror. The lab was in shambles, a hole blown in one wall, debris liberally scattered, burned-out husks of monitors and consoles littering the floor. He turned and cried out as he faced open air. The outer wall, ceiling, and upper floors were gone. The central spire lay crumbled on the pier below, and most of the other towers were little more than piles of rock. The parts that remained bore furious scorch marks. The wind whistled around him but otherwise - silence.
Atlantis had been completely destroyed.
He staggered backward, tripping over the remains of a worktable. “What happened?”
She arched a brow. “Atlantis was destroyed by the Wraith over fifteen years ago.”
Rodney scrambled to his feet. “That’s not true. We tricked the Wraith into thinking we’d been destroyed.”
“There is no we. You were never born, remember?”
“You- you can do that?”
“Do you not see the results before your eyes?”
“Let’s assume for a crazy moment that I believe you. I realize that my genius would be sorely missed and that I’ve saved the city on innumerable occasions, but the other people here, the ones in charge, were not stupid. Are you telling me that they were incapable of saving the city?”
“Sometimes it’s the little things, Dr. McKay.”
“Like what?”
“Like having a head scientist who was unwilling to be a guinea pig for the ATA gene,” Clarika said. “A man named Malcolm Tunney was chosen to be Chief Scientist. He sent Radek Zelenka to Carson Beckett for testing.”
“The therapy didn’t work on Radek.”
“Exactly. The expedition began as you remember. Dr. Tunney picked Athos; Colonel Sumner, Teyla Emmagan, and the others were captured by the Wraith; Major Sheppard saved them, and the Athosians became Atlantis’ first allies. But when the therapy failed on Dr. Zelenka, Dr. Beckett scrapped his research and started over.”
Rodney’s gaze focused, intensified. “And when the energy creature was released?”
“There was no one with a personal shield to throw the generator through the gate. Teyla did it instead. She died from the burns.”
He stared at her in disbelief. “Are you sure that’s what happened?”
“Very. While the Athosians remained allies, they left the city. When Sheppard was attacked by the iratus bug, there was no one to make the connection to the Wraith. Dr. Tunney got the drive pods retracted, but they couldn’t remove the bug in time. Sheppard died in the jumper bay.”
The blood drained from Rodney’s face. “That can’t be right.”
“The expedition almost starved that first year without the close relationship with the Athosians that you experienced. Tunney saved the city from the massive storm - the expedition never knew the Genii as more than simple farmers - but he didn’t come up with your high compression data burst that allowed you to contact Earth. No Colonel Everett, no Daedalus with a ZPM, not even a nuke from the Genii. No one could control the chair well enough to fire drones effectively. When the Wraith attacked, the city was completely vulnerable. They took out the control room before the self-destruct could be armed.”
“The database?”
“They got it. All of it. Including the location of Earth. Between the Wraith and the Ori, your galaxy didn’t stand a chance. The Ori eventually wiped the Wraith from existence but not before Earth fell.”
Rodney’s eyes filled with panic. “What about Hannah, my kids, Jeannie and Madison, Lydia, Ronon?”
“You have no children, Doctor. Hannah Alvarez was culled during the second wave and was sent on a supply ship back to Pegasus. She was fed on two years later. Your sister never had a family. She spent her entire life trying to please your father but never succeeded. She was one of the first to die from the Ori plague that swept Earth after they destroyed the Wraith. Lydia was killed in action during the first culling. The Wraith caught Ronon about six years ago.”
He backed away from Clarika, horrified. “Enough! Change it back. Please, change it back.”
“Are you certain?”
“Yes. God, yes.”
The brilliant light flashed again, and the lab was restored to its previous condition. Rodney raced to the window, sighing in relief as the spires of Atlantis soared around him.
He clicked his earpiece. “Sheppard, this is McKay.”
A sleepy voice responded. “Do you know what time it is?”
“Um, no. Sorry.”
John’s voice sharpened. “What’s wrong?”
A genuine smile blossomed on Rodney’s face. “Nothing. I, uh, I’ll tell you tomorrow. McKay out.”
Rodney raced for the door, screeching to a halt when it didn’t open. “What now?”
Clarika arched a brow. “We haven’t finished yet.”
“Yes, we have. I’m good. You’ve convinced me - my life hasn’t been wasted. I get it. I want to see my kids. Now.”
“Our actions have ripple effects, Rodney. Not just our professional choices, but our personal ones as well. You need to find a balance between them and make some changes before it’s too late.”
He grew still, watching her face. “What are you talking about?”
“The Wraith weapon.”
“The one that caused the destruction of the Zephyrus? I’m not going anywhere near it.”
“You can’t give up now. You’re close, very close. But,” she flashed, changing back to her adult form and staring him in the eye, “you can’t sacrifice your family for it. Your kids need you, not your sister.”
“How did you know- Oh, right. Ascended.” Rodney turned away from her, rubbing his temples. “My kids… my kids need-”
“A father.” Clarika gripped his shoulder as she walked around to face him. “I know you were devastated when Hannah died, but you’re still alive. It’s okay for you to smile, to laugh, to love your kids… and anyone else you so choose. Open your eyes, Rodney. See what’s right in front of you.”
“I’m not sure if I can.”
She smiled gently. “Of course you can. You’ve had some dark moments, but overall, you have had a wonderful life. Your kids only want you to love them. You have terrific friends and a job that challenges you. Stop dwelling in the past; your life is ahead of you. But you need to rearrange your priorities.”
Hope glimmered in his eyes. “It’s not too late?”
“No. It will take a lot of work, but you can do it.”
Rodney took a deep breath and nodded. “I can do it. Thanks, Clarika. For everything.” He squinted as she dissolved into a bright light and disappeared through the ceiling.
“Don’t forget.” Her words floated back to him as the lab doors swished open.
He smiled. “I won’t,” he whispered, running for the transporter.
The doors to his quarters slid open when he waved at the controls. He stepped inside, searching for faces in the low light. Lydia was asleep in the rocker, Joey snuggled in her lap. Beth was curled on the sofa, blinking sleepily at him.
“Daddy?”
Rodney perched on the edge of the couch, brushing hair from her eyes. “Hey.”
She squinted at him. “You look… different.”
“I feel different. It’s been a weird day.”
“Are you going to send Lydia away?”
“No, Bethie.” He pulled her onto his lap. “There are going to be a lot of changes around here, but Lydia leaving is not one of them. I’m going to do better, spend more time with you and Joey.”
“You’ve said that before.”
“I know, and I’m sorry for breaking that promise. My job is going to pull me away sometimes, but I want you to know that nothing is more important to me than you and Joey.”
“What about Lydia?”
Rodney sighed. “I don’t know. I’m not sure I’m ready for that. I might not ever be ready.”
Beth leaned back against his chest, yawning. “I don’t hate you, Daddy.”
He pressed his cheek against the top of her head, letting tears drip down his face for the first time in years. “I love you, baby.”
When her breath evened out into sleep, Rodney carried her to her room and tucked her in. He slipped Joey from Lydia’s arms and returned the boy to his bed. Then he spread a blanket over Lydia. Her breathing hitched at the touch, and she mumbled incoherently before sliding deeper into sleep. He reached hesitantly, smoothing the curls from her face.
Rodney glanced at the ceiling and smiled. “Maybe,” he whispered. “One day.”
Clarika grinned then zoomed away, heading for the rendezvous point. She skidded to a stop at the red gas giant, floating lazily through the layers until she reach the core where Janus, Teer, and the rest waited.
“How’d I do?”
Janus smiled. “Very well.”
“Will he complete the weapon? Will it work?”
Teer’s eyes narrowed. “It’s hard to say for certain, but I believe so.”
“As I told you, he is close,” Janus added. “The hive he infected imploded in hyperspace. Once he determines how to override the power magnification issue-”
“-this galaxy will finally be free from the Wraith.” Clarika concluded.
“Maybe.”
“And Lydia? His kids?”
Janus chuckled fondly. “Only time will tell. But he’s headed in the right direction. He’ll find his balance.”
The End.
Author:
wildcat88
Approx Word Count: 13,000
Genre: Angst
Fandom: Stargate Atlantis
Spoiler Warning: Everything through The Daedalus Variations
Pairing: McKay/OFC
Summary: When life crumbles for Rodney McKay, a special emissary is sent to help him find his way. It's a Wonderful Life SGA style.
Author’s Notes: Many thanks to
leesa_perrie and
jayne_perry for the beta. All faults mine.
Part 1
xxx
Rodney maneuvered delicately through the control room, hopping the last three steps and flinging himself in a chair. He propped the crutches against the console and eased his leg under it. “If I ever find the guy who planted that bear trap….” He sighed then focused on the display before him.
“Incoming wormhole,” Chuck announced. “It’s Colonel Sheppard’s IDC.”
“Lower the shield,” Rodney ordered, struggling to his feet with a frown. “They’re early.”
He hobbled to the railing as Sheppard, Teyla, and Woolsey plodded through. They were covered in dirt and had numerous scrapes and contusions, all turning grief-stricken faces to him at the same time.
“Oh, God.” Rodney stared at the stargate, flinching violently when it shut down. “Oh, no, no.” He shook his head as Sheppard slowly climbed the stairs. “Please, no,” he begged.
“God, McKay, I’m so sorry.”
“No.” He backed away from Sheppard, shaking his head furiously. “Oh, please, God, no.”
Sheppard grabbed McKay’s arms, holding him upright when his knees buckled. Rodney clung to him for a second then pushed away. “I don’t understand. They’re peaceful. We’ve been there a hundred times. Where is she? What happened?”
Teyla grasped Rodney’s hand. “There was a culling-”
Rodney jerked his hand from hers. “Then we’ll find the ship she’s on. Give me a few-”
Sheppard blocked his path. “Didn’t take her on a ship.”
“Then what-” Rodney whirled away with a stifled cry, turning his back to them and gripping the railing until his knuckles turned white and his entire body trembled. His head dropped to his chest. “Where is her body?” he whispered.
Sheppard squeezed his shoulder. “Ronon stayed with her.”
McKay pulled away, glancing up as the stargate reactivated and Lorne’s team headed out with a body bag. “How? Why her?”
“We became separated when the culling began,” Woolsey explained. “Colonel Sheppard and Teyla were pinned under some rubble, and I was across the compound. Hannah tried to stop a Wraith from feeding on a young woman. By the time I reached her, it was too late.”
“Is it dead? The Wraith?”
Sheppard nodded, his eyes turning cold and flat. “All of them are.”
“Good.” Rodney grabbed his crutches and headed for the transporter, oblivious to the tears coursing down his face.
“McKay,” Sheppard called.
“Just leave me alone.”
Rodney hurried to his quarters, barely making the last few meters to the bathroom before his stomach turned inside out. The retching eventually turned to dry heaves then faded. Stumbling to the bed, he collapsed on it, curling on his side and burying his face in her pillow, breathing in her scent. The tears came faster, hard sobs that racked his frame. When the tears finally subsided, he shuffled to the bathroom, washed his face, and combed his hair. Grabbing his crutches, he slowly made his way to the daycare.
“Rodney never shed another tear after that,” Janus said.
Clarika turned to him, horrified. “There’s nothing you could do?”
Janus shook his head grimly. “One of the few times the Others prevented me from helping.”
“No wonder he is so sad.”
“He was a robot at first, making funeral arrangements, taking her body back to Earth. When he returned, he withdrew, locked himself in his lab for days at a time, almost dying from exhaustion and grief. His team slowly coaxed him out, but after Hannah’s death, Rodney’s purpose in life became perfecting his Wraith weapon. His grief turned to rage. He was consumed with hatred for the Wraith, determined to destroy them or die trying.”
xxx
“But I don’t want to go,” Rodney whined. “I’ve got like a million things to work on.”
Sheppard grabbed his sleeve and tugged. “You have to go. It’s your birthday party. The big five-oh.”
“All the more reason not to go.”
“Whatever.”
“Seriously. I’m close to finding the right sequence for the virus.”
“It’ll keep another couple of hours.”
“Sheppard….”
John wheeled around, planting himself in front of Rodney. “It’s been two years, McKay.”
“I’ve been working on it longer than-”
“I’m not talking about your Hive Destructor. You’ve hidden behind that damn project long enough.”
“Am I not following the John Sheppard grief recovery schedule?”
Sheppard huffed in frustration. “Your kids need you. They’ve spent more time in my quarters than yours since Hannah died.”
“They understand the importance of my work.”
“No, they don’t. They think you don’t care about them.”
“They told you that?”
“They didn’t have to. I’m not blind. You’re holed up in your lab, sacrificing yourself and them in the search for vengeance. It’s like they’ve lost both parents.” Sheppard’s gaze was intense. “You didn’t die that day, Rodney.”
“Yes, I did!”
“Is this what Hannah would want?”
Rodney sucked in a breath. “Don’t you dare.”
“What? Remind you that she loved you? That she would want you to go on with your life? To be happy? To take care of yourself and your kids?”
“Stop it!”
John scrubbed the back of his neck. “Fine. I don’t know what else to say anyway. We’ll be on the east pier if you decide to come.”
Sheppard stalked away, leaving Rodney staring after him. He looked back toward the lab and the program he’d given himself to. “The east pier, huh,” he muttered. “Guess we need more space these days.” His head dropped in his hands, and he rubbed his temples. “God, I miss you. What should I do?”
Atlantis hummed around him.
He headed back to the lab.
xxx
“Daddy?” Beth said tentatively.
Coffee cups bounced as Rodney slammed his hands on the worktable and wheeled around. His five year old hovered inside the door, ponytail haphazard and wearing a dirty sundress. “How many times have I told you not to disturb me in the lab?”
Beth’s chin jutted forward. “Joey’s hungry.”
“Then get him something to eat.”
“You know the rules. No kids in the cafeteria without an adult.”
He rubbed his forehead. “Can this wait?”
“No. We waited all day, but you never came. I can’t get him to go to sleep.”
“Then… go find Aunt Teyla.”
“But Daddy-”
“No more buts. Now, I’ve got work to do.”
“You always have work to do.”
“Not another word. Go.”
Beth stomped out, and Rodney turned back to his program. Half an hour later, the doors to the lab slid opened, and a compactly built woman in BDUs walked in, leading Joey and Beth by the hand.
“Dr. McKay?”
“Oh, for God’s sake. What now?” He glanced up. “Sorry, um… Major….”
“Sheffield, sir. Lydia Sheffield.”
“Major Sheffield, why do you have my children?”
“Because they were trying to go through the stargate, sir. I barely got it shut down before they made it through. If I may, this is a big city, sir. Children aren’t supposed to be left unattended.”
“First of all, no, you may not. Second, I know exactly how big this city is. I’ve been here almost fifteen years. Third, what the hell kind of lax security is going on in the control room that kids are able to dial the gate?”
Sheffield’s brows rose, and a dimpled grin crossed her face. “Respectfully, sir, we usually don’t have to worry about kids in the gateroom period much less at this time of night.”
“This time of…. What time is it?”
“Oh-three hundred, sir. Now, if you’ll excuse me, I have to get back to my post. Gotta watch for all those dangerous kids plotting to take over the gateroom.”
“You’re a laugh a minute, Major.” He rolled his eyes then called, “Thank you for… you know.”
“Yes, sir. Have a good night.”
Once the door swished shut, he turned angrily to Beth, ignoring the hurt in her eyes and Joey’s tear-stained face. “Dialing the gate? What were you thinking?”
“You said to get Aunt Teyla to help me feed Joey. She’s on New Athos this week.” She grabbed Joey’s hand and headed for the door.
“Where do you think you’re going?”
“What do you care?” she tossed over her shoulder just before the doors shut.
xxx
“May I join you?”
Rodney looked up at the question. A woman in BDUs with mousy brown curls and a full tray stood next to his table. “Yes, um, Major… Leftfield.”
She chuckled. “Sheffield. And please, call me Lydia.”
“Yes, well….” He cleared his throat as she sat down and took a huge bite of her sandwich.
“Mmmmm…. That’s heavenly.”
“It’s a sandwich.”
Lydia laughed. “It’s a good sandwich. After twenty years of Army slop, this is ambrosia.”
“Army? When did they start letting the Army come here?”
“Well, at least five years. That’s how long I’ve been on Atlantis.”
“Seriously? Why have I never seen you before?”
She popped a grape in her mouth. “Probably because you weren’t paying attention.”
“I pay attention to the important stuff.”
Her brows shot up then she burst into giggles. “Gee, thanks.”
“Oh, um, I didn’t mean that… ah….” He blushed furiously as she grinned at him. “Thanks again, by the way…. My kids….”
“Not a problem. You know,” she wiped the corner of her mouth with her thumb, “they’re great kids. Really smart and easy to get along with. I’ve had the pleasure of working in the daycare when they were there.”
Rodney squirmed in his chair and glanced away. She watched him for a minute then piled her trash on the tray and stood.
“Thanks for letting me share your table, Doc. Have a nice day.”
His eyes flicked in her direction. “Yeah, you too.”
xxx
Rodney hauled three full baskets to the laundry room, staring in dismay at the long line of washers and driers, all of which were in use. He set the baskets on the floor, clenching his fists to stop his hands from shaking, kicking at an empty chair. Raking his fingers through his hair, he paced the length of the room, checking each machine.
“I do not have time for this,” he hissed.
A face peered around the corner. “Dr. McKay?”
Startling, he whipped around. “Oh, Major… ah… Shef…field.”
Her face lit up. “That’s right. But you were going to call me Lydia, remember?”
“Yes, yes, of course. Sorry. I didn’t realize anyone else was in here. Apparently all of Atlantis needs to wash clothes right now.”
Her cheeks flushed. “Actually, I’m using most of them.”
“What? Why would you use every last machine? Don’t you have any respect for other people?”
She smiled gently. “I didn’t say I was using all of them, just most. My unit takes turns doing laundry. This week is my turn.”
Rodney glanced down the row of machines. “How many people are in your unit?”
“Twenty. I was folding a load on the table in the back when I heard you. Are you okay?”
He huffed a laugh as he dropped into a chair. “Oh, yeah. Peachy. I’ve got staff meeting in half an hour, and my kids don’t have anything to wear today.” He stared at his hands, rubbing his palms together. “What the hell was I thinking having kids?” he mumbled.
She sat down next to him, folding her hands in her lap. “My mom used to say that all the time after my dad died. There were four of us. We were always under foot, needing something. Sometimes it was just too much for her to do alone.” Lydia turned to face him, her eyes soft and compassionate. “I know your family has been through a tough time. Do you have any help?”
“My psychological state is none of-”
“Not mental help, Doctor. Help help. Someone to do laundry, clean your quarters, make sure your kids get fed, that kind of thing. My mom never had that kind of help and, well, things got worse until the state took us away from her. Just a little help will make a difference.”
“Oh.” He cocked his head to the side, brow furrowed. “I never thought about it.”
“It’s okay to ask for help. Even with all the people we have here now, it still feels like one big family, and we take care of each other. Colonel Sheppard drills in ‘leave no one behind,’ but that means more than just on the battlefield.”
“I- I wouldn’t know where to start.”
She grinned at him. “Then let’s start small. I’m on laundry duty anyway. Leave your stuff here. I’ll make sure it gets done and returned to your quarters.”
“Did he accept her help?” Clarika asked.
“Grudgingly,” Janus answered. “But Lydia didn’t give up. She made sure his kids were well-fed and where they needed to be on time. She arranged for the cleaning staff to straighten his quarters and taught Beth a game called ‘sort the laundry’ then added it to her unit’s wash each week. But while the children were cared for, their relationship with Rodney continued to deteriorate. Lydia noticed, orchestrated events to capitalize on the little bits of free time Rodney allowed himself. And despite his best efforts, Rodney began to emerge from his shell. For a while.”
xxx
“Hey, buddy.”
Joey looked up from the computer screen in surprise. “Hi, Daddy.”
“What are you doing?”
“Uncle John showed me how to play golf.”
“Golf? That will rot your brain.”
“It will?”
“No, but don’t tell Uncle John that. I’ve almost got him convinced.” Rodney sat down next to him. “Can I join you?”
“You know how to play golf?”
“Of course. Uncle John taught me how years ago.”
“Did it rot your brain?”
Rodney grinned as Joey handed him the controls. “That’s what I’m blaming it on.”
xxx
The mess hall was mostly deserted when he entered. Lydia was easy to spot, sitting on the balcony in civvies, reading a book, and sipping a bottle of water. Rodney grabbed a cup of coffee and headed toward her.
“May I join you?” he asked.
Lydia glanced up, one hand reaching to smooth her unruly curls when she saw him. “Of course, Doctor.”
“Rodney.”
Her ears pinked. “Rodney. Are the kids okay?”
“Yep. They’re having a slumber party with Sheppard’s kids at Ronon’s. They’ll probably come back experts in knife throwing.” He grinned when she giggled. “What are you reading?”
She flipped the book over to show him the cover.
His brows shot up. “Les Miserables. In French.”
“I like the classics.”
“I’ve heard that.” He set a package wrapped in brown paper on the table.
“What’s this?” she asked.
“Open it.”
Her eyes grew round as the paper fell away. “Moby Dick! I love this book.” She gasped as she flipped through the pages. “A first edition? Oh, Doc- Rodney. I don’t know what to say.”
He shot her a rueful grin. “Well, that book and I have history.” The grin faded as he leaned forward. “It’s the least I can do after all you’ve done for me and my kids. I can never thank you enough.”
Lydia glanced at him through her lashes, her blush deepening. “You’re welcome.”
xxx
Beth looked up from the lunch table when her name was called. “What are you doing here?”
Rodney pulled a cupcake from behind his back. “It’s your birthday, Bethie. Where else would I be?”
She smiled shyly as he stuck a candle in and lit it. “Thanks, Daddy.”
“Happy birthday, sweetheart. Make a wish.”
Squeezing her eyes tightly shut, she took a deep breath and blew it out hard, clapping when the flame winked out. Rodney grinned and pulled the candle out then unwrapped the cupcake.
“Chocolate with chocolate icing. Your favorite.”
She took a big bite then offered it to him, giggling as icing smeared on his nose. “Oh, Daddy. Use your napkin.”
Clarika studied their faces. “What changed?”
“Rodney had a breakthrough in his research.”
“He found a way to defeat the Wraith?”
Janus sighed. “Once he found the right sequence, he became fixated again, ignoring everything and everyone in his quest. His kids rarely see him and have stopped asking for him. He stepped down temporarily from his team in order to complete his testing. He’s been working nonstop for weeks trying to perfect the delivery system. And he’s close. Which brings us to today.”
xxx
Rodney stumbled into his quarters in the pre-dawn darkness. He jumped in the shower then brushed his teeth and tugged on a fresh uniform. He was shaving when the door opened and Beth blinked sleepily.
“Daddy?”
“I didn’t mean to wake you. Go back to sleep.”
Joey pushed in behind her, rubbing his eyes. “Where’s Momma?”
Rodney froze. “What did you say?”
Beth waved a hand vaguely. “That’s what he calls Lydia.”
He squatted down, looking Joey in the eye. “Lydia is not your mother.”
“Is so. She takes care of me, reads me bedtime stories, makes my lunch. That’s what Aunt Teyla does for Torren and Charin, and she’s their momma.”
Beth grasped Joey’s shoulders and pointed him out the door. “Go back to bed, Joey. Lydia will be here soon.” When her brother padded out, she looked at Rodney with old eyes. “He’s right, you know. She’s the only one who takes care of us.”
Rodney stared after her as she slipped out. Refusing to meet his own eye in the mirror, he cleaned up and headed out, locating Lydia on guard duty in the gateroom.
“Major, can I have a word?”
“Of course,” she answered, confusion flickering on her face.
“In private.”
She turned to the Marine nearby. “I’ll be right back, Lieutenant.”
“Yes, Ma’am.”
Lydia followed him down the steps and around the corner. “What’s wrong?”
“What the hell do you think you’re doing?”
“I don’t understand.”
“Joey just asked where his mother is,” Rodney hissed.
She sighed, eyes downcast. “I’m sorry about that. I’ve tried to explain to him-”
“Well, try harder. While I appreciate all you’ve done, I didn’t ask you to do it.”
Lydia stepped back, face white. “You really have no idea, do you?”
“No idea about what?”
“Why I do this.” She shook her head, blinking rapidly. “Don’t worry, Dr. McKay. I won’t be bothering you again.” Swiveling on her heel, she marched back to her post, spine and shoulders stiff.
Rodney watched her leave, took a step in her direction then stopped, frowning. “What am I doing?” he mumbled. “I’ve got better things to do than chase after some emotional….” He glanced at her one last time then headed back to his lab.
A couple of hours later, Sheppard poked his head in. “You set?”
Nodding, Rodney patted his vest pocket. “The injector is prepped and ready. We’re good to go.”
“Then let’s go try it out.”
They headed to the jumper bay where Ronon and Teyla waited. Woolsey gave them the green light, and they lifted upward, soaring through the bay roof and into orbit where the Zephyrus waited. They landed in the 302 bay and headed to the bridge.
“Welcome aboard,” Colonel Morgan greeted then turned to his flight officer. “Take us out, Major.”
Once they broke orbit, they opened a hyperspace window and headed for a remote part of the galaxy. Half an hour later, a hive ship arrived, and Sheppard’s team headed back to the jumper.
“We’re set, Colonel,” Sheppard said.
“Bay doors are opening.” Rodney rekeyed the HUD. “We’re good to go.”
“As soon as you’re clear, we’ll commence attack. Don’t keep us waiting. Morgan out.”
The jumper cloaked and zoomed out of the bay as the first wave of darts launched from the hive. Sheppard guided the jumper stealthily through the maze of ships and weaponsfire, landing in the dart bay. They raced through the ship, P-90s blazing as they sought the correct terminal.
McKay plugged in his tablet and scrolled through schematics. “Got it!” He ripped the connections out and followed his team down the corridor. “Go left,” he instructed. “We’re looking for the level beneath the bridge.”
“Beneath the bridge? You don’t want much, do you?” Sheppard slammed a full magazine into place. “Let’s go.”
They moved quickly, shooting only when they had to, until they reached the room indicated. A mass of tendrils undulated, spreading in every direction.
“It’s all yours, McKay,” Sheppard said.
Rodney pulled the injector from his vest, gripping it tightly as he moved to the center of the room. He located the heart of the mass and jammed the injector in, releasing the virus.
Sheppard clapped a hand on his shoulder. “We need to move.”
Jerking his head sharply, Rodney tucked the injector in a pocket and followed his team to the dart bay. The Wraith they encountered along the way seemed confused, uncertain, and were easily defeated. They rushed into the jumper and burst from the hive. Darts surrounded the Zephyrus, causing quite a light show as they jerked and flopped and slammed into its shields. The hive shook then pulsated as it fired on the Zephyrus. The energy blasts blew through the shields.
“Those are Asgard shields,” McKay muttered. The HUD flickered to life as the hive fired another volley. “Oh, my God. Those shots are reading ten times more powerful than before.”
“Zephyrus, this is Sheppard. Get out now! Zephyrus, do you read? Their weapons are stronger. Get-”
The ship shuddered under the onslaught and exploded.
“Shit!” Knuckles white, Sheppard zipped through the debris, trying to avoid the darts that had zeroed in on his transmission. The inertial dampeners struggled to keep up with Sheppard’s maneuvers.
“Oh, my God. What have I done?” Rodney whispered.
“McKay, I need you to focus.” Sheppard’s voice was low, intense. “We are light years from Atlantis and surrounded by Wraith. We have to find a way home.”
“Yes, yes, of course.” Rodney turned his attention to the readouts. “Okay, the third planet in this system has a gate. It will take… about ten hours to get there.”
“I’m sure the Wraith know about it,” Sheppard replied. “They’ll be expecting us.”
Darts swooped around them, firing blindly. Sheppard continued to weave his way, hiding behind larger portions of the rubble. Suddenly the remaining darts retreated, all of them shakily returning to the hive. A hyperspace window opened, and they were gone.
Rodney bit his lip, staring furiously at his laptop, calling up various readings.
Sheppard shot him a sideways glance. “McKay-”
“I don’t know what happened,” Rodney snapped. “I need some time to figure it out.”
“It didn’t work,” Ronon said.
“Oh, thank you, Mr. Obvious. As if I couldn’t tell that when the Zephyrus blew up killing all four hundred and fifty-six people on board.”
Teyla laid a tentative hand on his arm “Rodney, we all knew the risk.”
He shrugged her off. “It doesn’t change the fact that I killed them.”
“The Wraith killed them, McKay. Place the blame where it needs to be,” Sheppard said.
“The Wraith killed them because somehow my virus magnified the power of their weapons. Hannah was right,” Rodney added bleakly. “I’ve created another Michael.”
“You don’t know that,” Sheppard reminded him.
“Don’t I? You saw what happened.”
“We don’t know that your virus caused it.”
“Stop! Just stop. The Wraith didn’t magically upgrade their weapons while we were onboard. I did it. Me. I screwed up. That hive is more powerful than ever - and still out there I might add - and the Zephyrus has been destroyed instead. Nothing you say is going to change that.”
The rest of the trip was spent in silence.
When they finally arrived in Atlantis, Rodney brushed past his teammates and hurried out of the bay, ignoring Woolsey’s calls and the eyes of the control room crew. The transporter deposited him near his quarters, and he trudged the rest of the way, shoulders slumped. The doors slid open to a darkened room and humming which stopped as soon as he stepped inside. Lydia was sitting in the corner, rocking Joey.
She stood with the boy in her arms. “Excuse me, Doctor. I’ll put him to bed then leave.”
Joey whimpered and nuzzled her shoulder. “Momma?
Lydia brushed the hair out of his eyes and kissed him on the forehead. “No, sweetie. It’s Lydia. I have to go now.”
“No,” Joey whined. “Stay.”
“I can’t.”
Beth shuffled into the room, rubbing her eyes. “What’s going on? What did you do, Daddy?”
“Nothing, Bethie,” Rodney answered. “Go back to bed. Lydia, you don’t-”
“No!” Joey screamed. “Don’t leave me, Momma!”
Rodney took a step back as his son wrapped arms and legs around her and sobbed hysterically. “It’s okay, Joey. Lydia’s-”
Beth ran to them, throwing her arms around Lydia and staring balefully at Rodney. “This is all your fault, Daddy! Why don’t you leave us alone? I hate you!”
He staggered backward, meeting Lydia’s stricken eyes. “I- I-”
The more Lydia tried to extricate herself, the tighter the children held on. Rodney swallowed thickly then turned and walked out.
He wandered the halls for a while eventually ending up in his lab. After typing an email to Jeannie, he uploaded the video feed from the failed test, looping it continuously.
“Poor Rodney.” Clarika circled him as his head dropped in his hands. “He must feel like his life is falling apart.”
“He does,” Janus said. “He’s close to the answer. He can’t quit now.”
She turned to him, aghast. “You want me to convince him to continue to work on the virus?”
“In a word, yes. I believe his weapon is the answer to defeating the Wraith. But, he needs to find a balance. The virus isn’t the only thing he’s contemplating quitting.”
“Atlantis.”
Janus nodded. “And worse - his family. He’s lost his way. You have to help him find it.”
“My limitations?”
“None. Do whatever it takes. Ready?”
Clarika drew a deep breath and nodded. “Yes.”
“Then I’ll see at the rendezvous point later. Good luck.”
“Take care,” she called as he vanished through the ceiling. Turning her attention to Rodney, she circled him again. “Now, how do I get your attention?” She watched as he finished a program that would delete his research. “Oh, no, you don’t.” She transformed into a girl of eight and solidified as he reached for the enter key.
“Hello.”
Rodney jerked upright and spun around. His jaw clenched when he spotted her. “What are you doing here?” he hissed. “Where are your parents? Who are your parents?”
“My parents ascended when I did.”
“Ascended. Yeah, right. Did do you do that before or after recess?”
Clarika smiled sadly. “You are quite a cynic, Dr. McKay.”
“Well, there’s a newsflash.” He crossed his arms and glared. “Go home.”
“I must complete my mission first.”
“And what mission would that be?”
“To help you find yourself.”
“I’m not the one who’s lost,” Rodney said.
Clarika stepped forward and took his hand. “Yes, you are. And sadly, you don’t even realize it.”
“I’m not in the mood for this, kid. Get lost.”
“I can’t. I have to complete my mission first.”
“Riiiiight.” He turned back to his workstation and reached for the keyboard…
… which disappeared completely.
“What the hell?” Rodney stumbled backward and stared at his computer then at her. “Who are you?”
“My name is Clarika.”
“And you’re an Ancient.”
“No. My people were destroyed by the Replicators several years ago. An Ancestor named Janus helped us to ascend.”
He squinted at her. “Janus? Why does that sound familiar?”
“I believe he helped Dr. Weir save the expedition.”
“He’s the guy who programmed the failsafe to make the city rise.”
“Among other things.”
Rodney looked her up and down. “And you’ve been sent here to help me.”
She beamed at him. “Exactly.”
“You look like the kind of Ancient I’d get.”
“I’m not an Ancient,” Clarika protested.
“Whatever.” He turned his back to her, staring once again at the video of the Zephyrus’ destruction.
“Look, Dr. McKay, I need you to listen.” She tugged on his arm until he faced her. “You can’t give up.”
Self-loathing glittered in his eyes. “You don’t know what you’re talking about.”
“Yes, I do. You’re going to erase your research, leave Atlantis, ship your kids off. You think your life is over.”
“Over?” he laughed bitterly. “So far it’s been a complete waste. I destroy everything I touch. My children hate me. My wife is dead. The project I’ve dedicated years of my life to is a total bust. Why the hell am I even here?”
“You can’t find any value to your life?”
“At the moment, no. I’m doing more harm than good. This universe would be better off without me.”
Clarika gaped at him. “You don’t mean that.”
“Yes, yes, I do.”
“You wish to be dead?”
Rodney frowned at her. “Of course not.” He sighed, shaking his head. “But right now, I’m wishing I’d never been born.”
“To never exist would be….” She tilted her head as she considered him. “You really wish you’d never been born?”
His eyes drifted to the looping video. “Yeah,” he said quietly.
Rodney flinched as brilliant light filled the room. When he opened his eyes, he stared in horror. The lab was in shambles, a hole blown in one wall, debris liberally scattered, burned-out husks of monitors and consoles littering the floor. He turned and cried out as he faced open air. The outer wall, ceiling, and upper floors were gone. The central spire lay crumbled on the pier below, and most of the other towers were little more than piles of rock. The parts that remained bore furious scorch marks. The wind whistled around him but otherwise - silence.
Atlantis had been completely destroyed.
He staggered backward, tripping over the remains of a worktable. “What happened?”
She arched a brow. “Atlantis was destroyed by the Wraith over fifteen years ago.”
Rodney scrambled to his feet. “That’s not true. We tricked the Wraith into thinking we’d been destroyed.”
“There is no we. You were never born, remember?”
“You- you can do that?”
“Do you not see the results before your eyes?”
“Let’s assume for a crazy moment that I believe you. I realize that my genius would be sorely missed and that I’ve saved the city on innumerable occasions, but the other people here, the ones in charge, were not stupid. Are you telling me that they were incapable of saving the city?”
“Sometimes it’s the little things, Dr. McKay.”
“Like what?”
“Like having a head scientist who was unwilling to be a guinea pig for the ATA gene,” Clarika said. “A man named Malcolm Tunney was chosen to be Chief Scientist. He sent Radek Zelenka to Carson Beckett for testing.”
“The therapy didn’t work on Radek.”
“Exactly. The expedition began as you remember. Dr. Tunney picked Athos; Colonel Sumner, Teyla Emmagan, and the others were captured by the Wraith; Major Sheppard saved them, and the Athosians became Atlantis’ first allies. But when the therapy failed on Dr. Zelenka, Dr. Beckett scrapped his research and started over.”
Rodney’s gaze focused, intensified. “And when the energy creature was released?”
“There was no one with a personal shield to throw the generator through the gate. Teyla did it instead. She died from the burns.”
He stared at her in disbelief. “Are you sure that’s what happened?”
“Very. While the Athosians remained allies, they left the city. When Sheppard was attacked by the iratus bug, there was no one to make the connection to the Wraith. Dr. Tunney got the drive pods retracted, but they couldn’t remove the bug in time. Sheppard died in the jumper bay.”
The blood drained from Rodney’s face. “That can’t be right.”
“The expedition almost starved that first year without the close relationship with the Athosians that you experienced. Tunney saved the city from the massive storm - the expedition never knew the Genii as more than simple farmers - but he didn’t come up with your high compression data burst that allowed you to contact Earth. No Colonel Everett, no Daedalus with a ZPM, not even a nuke from the Genii. No one could control the chair well enough to fire drones effectively. When the Wraith attacked, the city was completely vulnerable. They took out the control room before the self-destruct could be armed.”
“The database?”
“They got it. All of it. Including the location of Earth. Between the Wraith and the Ori, your galaxy didn’t stand a chance. The Ori eventually wiped the Wraith from existence but not before Earth fell.”
Rodney’s eyes filled with panic. “What about Hannah, my kids, Jeannie and Madison, Lydia, Ronon?”
“You have no children, Doctor. Hannah Alvarez was culled during the second wave and was sent on a supply ship back to Pegasus. She was fed on two years later. Your sister never had a family. She spent her entire life trying to please your father but never succeeded. She was one of the first to die from the Ori plague that swept Earth after they destroyed the Wraith. Lydia was killed in action during the first culling. The Wraith caught Ronon about six years ago.”
He backed away from Clarika, horrified. “Enough! Change it back. Please, change it back.”
“Are you certain?”
“Yes. God, yes.”
The brilliant light flashed again, and the lab was restored to its previous condition. Rodney raced to the window, sighing in relief as the spires of Atlantis soared around him.
He clicked his earpiece. “Sheppard, this is McKay.”
A sleepy voice responded. “Do you know what time it is?”
“Um, no. Sorry.”
John’s voice sharpened. “What’s wrong?”
A genuine smile blossomed on Rodney’s face. “Nothing. I, uh, I’ll tell you tomorrow. McKay out.”
Rodney raced for the door, screeching to a halt when it didn’t open. “What now?”
Clarika arched a brow. “We haven’t finished yet.”
“Yes, we have. I’m good. You’ve convinced me - my life hasn’t been wasted. I get it. I want to see my kids. Now.”
“Our actions have ripple effects, Rodney. Not just our professional choices, but our personal ones as well. You need to find a balance between them and make some changes before it’s too late.”
He grew still, watching her face. “What are you talking about?”
“The Wraith weapon.”
“The one that caused the destruction of the Zephyrus? I’m not going anywhere near it.”
“You can’t give up now. You’re close, very close. But,” she flashed, changing back to her adult form and staring him in the eye, “you can’t sacrifice your family for it. Your kids need you, not your sister.”
“How did you know- Oh, right. Ascended.” Rodney turned away from her, rubbing his temples. “My kids… my kids need-”
“A father.” Clarika gripped his shoulder as she walked around to face him. “I know you were devastated when Hannah died, but you’re still alive. It’s okay for you to smile, to laugh, to love your kids… and anyone else you so choose. Open your eyes, Rodney. See what’s right in front of you.”
“I’m not sure if I can.”
She smiled gently. “Of course you can. You’ve had some dark moments, but overall, you have had a wonderful life. Your kids only want you to love them. You have terrific friends and a job that challenges you. Stop dwelling in the past; your life is ahead of you. But you need to rearrange your priorities.”
Hope glimmered in his eyes. “It’s not too late?”
“No. It will take a lot of work, but you can do it.”
Rodney took a deep breath and nodded. “I can do it. Thanks, Clarika. For everything.” He squinted as she dissolved into a bright light and disappeared through the ceiling.
“Don’t forget.” Her words floated back to him as the lab doors swished open.
He smiled. “I won’t,” he whispered, running for the transporter.
The doors to his quarters slid open when he waved at the controls. He stepped inside, searching for faces in the low light. Lydia was asleep in the rocker, Joey snuggled in her lap. Beth was curled on the sofa, blinking sleepily at him.
“Daddy?”
Rodney perched on the edge of the couch, brushing hair from her eyes. “Hey.”
She squinted at him. “You look… different.”
“I feel different. It’s been a weird day.”
“Are you going to send Lydia away?”
“No, Bethie.” He pulled her onto his lap. “There are going to be a lot of changes around here, but Lydia leaving is not one of them. I’m going to do better, spend more time with you and Joey.”
“You’ve said that before.”
“I know, and I’m sorry for breaking that promise. My job is going to pull me away sometimes, but I want you to know that nothing is more important to me than you and Joey.”
“What about Lydia?”
Rodney sighed. “I don’t know. I’m not sure I’m ready for that. I might not ever be ready.”
Beth leaned back against his chest, yawning. “I don’t hate you, Daddy.”
He pressed his cheek against the top of her head, letting tears drip down his face for the first time in years. “I love you, baby.”
When her breath evened out into sleep, Rodney carried her to her room and tucked her in. He slipped Joey from Lydia’s arms and returned the boy to his bed. Then he spread a blanket over Lydia. Her breathing hitched at the touch, and she mumbled incoherently before sliding deeper into sleep. He reached hesitantly, smoothing the curls from her face.
Rodney glanced at the ceiling and smiled. “Maybe,” he whispered. “One day.”
Clarika grinned then zoomed away, heading for the rendezvous point. She skidded to a stop at the red gas giant, floating lazily through the layers until she reach the core where Janus, Teer, and the rest waited.
“How’d I do?”
Janus smiled. “Very well.”
“Will he complete the weapon? Will it work?”
Teer’s eyes narrowed. “It’s hard to say for certain, but I believe so.”
“As I told you, he is close,” Janus added. “The hive he infected imploded in hyperspace. Once he determines how to override the power magnification issue-”
“-this galaxy will finally be free from the Wraith.” Clarika concluded.
“Maybe.”
“And Lydia? His kids?”
Janus chuckled fondly. “Only time will tell. But he’s headed in the right direction. He’ll find his balance.”
The End.