*It's been a while*
And it's been awhile
Since I could hold my head up high
And it's been awhile
Since I first saw you
And it's been awhile
Since I could stand on my own two feet again
And it's been awhile
Since I could call you
And everything I can't remember
As fucked up as it all may seem
The consequences that I've rendered
I've stretched myself beyond my means
And it's been awhile
Since I can say that I wasn't addicted
And it's been awhile
Since I can say I love myself as well
And it's been awhile
Since I've gone and fucked things up just like I always do
And it's been awhile
But all that shit seems to disappear when I'm with you
And everything I can't remember
As fucked up as it all may seem
The consequences that I've rendered
I've gone and fucked things up again
Why must I feel this way?
Just make this go away
Just one more peaceful day!
And it's been awhile
Since I could look at myself straight
And it's been awhile
Since I said I'm sorry
And it's been awhile
Since I've seen the way the candles light your face
And it's been awhile
But I can still remember just the way you taste
And everything I can't remember
As fucked up as it all may seem to be I know it's me
I cannot blame this on my father
He did the best he could for me
And it's been awhile
Since I could hold my head up high
And it's been awhile
Since I said I'm sorry
*sigh* Well, here i am, finally writing..it's been a long time since i have... so i figured i'd update.
Went to see Kaddisfly, A Static Lullaby, Scary Kids Scaring Kids, Emery, and Red Jumpsuit Apparatus last night. Took Jenna, Jen and Ole! I had a lot of fun with Nickole.. we laughed a lot. And ran around Hartford yelling about sparkling wiggles....then we got to Wendy's and I was like: if that sparklin wiggle fucks up my nuggets she's deaaaad! And we all laughed for a while... it was nice. I got out a lot of anger and aggression i had pent up last night... ranted and RAVED with Ole for a bit, then at jenna and jen too. Apparently when I rage it's funny, atleast not when it's directed at any one person..hah.
So: show. Was. Amazing. I played in the pit with the girls for a bit, kicking the shit outta people, until the security guy picked me up and moved me... fucker. But there was a kid in there at the time, no joke, prolly 6'7"? Had to go 250? Was thrashing around and coming towards me and the security guy moved me behind him so he'd take the brunt of his weight but daaaamn. It was amazing. I was like YAY I get to legally swing at people :-D So i wasn't angry on the ride home and laughed so hard it was amazing... it was nice. But i dunno. Moshing for 4 hours straight and not eating made me really weak, got overheated and dehydrated, so we went and stood near the door for air, and actually ended up leaving early cuz we all felt like shit and were shaking. But the show overall was amazing, I'm so glad I went... it was a much-needed night away from the reality of the shit going on in my life...
I'm going to write a friends entry when i'm done with this to explain all that... but it's not something i want many people reading, just because i dont know whats going on with it and all that stuff... : / help.
In any case: I dropped $200 for a Fender acoustic last week, and it should be here today, i hope. Fedex is kinda retarded sometimes so I wouldn't really be surprised if it DIDN'T come today...but hey, shit happens right? I just..need SOMETHING...anything really, at this point to get me thru, especially now.. : / but again, more of that in the friends entry cuz i dont want to be telling whoever manages to stumble across this all my not-so-happy personal goings-on as of late... ick : ( i gotta get outta here... fuck.
In other news: I have 2 places I want to move to. One more practical than the other, however.. tho I might push back my "targeted moving date" to January and get a new car first... I want a Murano, they're just wicked fucking expensive... Tho if I go to one of the places on my list, i'm shipping my shit and selling my car... i'll take the money and get one when i get there... but again, thats all still up in the air...but in light of recent events... i'm just more motivated to get the fuck outta here... been looking for a second job all week so I can save more money, and honestly, i need to get out of my house... this whole...thing... well, friends only... read it.
For you, you know who you are...like it or not.. When I see your smile
Tears run down my face I can't replace
And now that I'm stronger I've figured out
How this world turns cold and breaks through my soul
And I know I'll find deep inside me I can be the one
I will never let you fall
I'll stand up with you forever
I'll be there for you through it all
Even if saving you sends me to heaven
It's ok. It's ok. It's ok.
Seasons are changing
And waves are crashing
And stars are falling all for us
Days grow longer and nights grow shorter
I can show you I'll be the one
I will never let you fall
I'll stand up with you forever
I'll be there for you through it all
Even if saving you sends me to heaven
Cuz you're my, you're my, my true love, my whole heart
Please don't throw that away
Cuz I'm here for you
Please don't walk away,
Please tell me you'll stay, stay
Use me as you will
Pull my strings just for a thrill
And I know I'll be ok
Though my skies are turning gray
I will never let you fall
I'll stand up with you forever
I'll be there for you through it all
Even if saving you sends me to heaven
You're my angel.. i know you hate it and hate that i care about you so much and i'm sorry... i'm so sorry... i'm sorry i've ruined everything... again.