omg..
Dont fall away
And leave me to myself
Dont fall away
And leave love bleeding
In my hands
In my hands again
And leave love bleeding
In my hands
In my hands
Love lies bleeding
Oh hold me now
I feel contagious
Am I the only place
That you' ve left to go
She cries her life is like
Some movie black and white
Dead actors faking lines
Over and over and over again she cries
So i'm writing for the first time in a while... I tihnk I'm going out with Brendan to the hookah bar because everyone else bailed on me or is "sick." So tired of the excuses I keep yielding but hey, shit happens right?
So my 20th birthday is in 5 days and honestly, i'm a little petrified. It seems really strange to be 20...its not like I'm turning 40 or 50 or anything, it just makes me look back and see how much things have changed, and how fast time really does fly by.
*If I could offer you only one tip for the future, sunscreen would be it. The long term benefits of sunscreen have been proved by scientists whereas the rest of my advice has no basis more reliable than my own meandering experience... I will dispense this advice now. Enjoy the power and beauty of your youth; oh nevermind; you will not understand the power and beauty of your youth until they have faded. But trust me, in 20 years you’ll look back at photos of yourself and recall in a way you can’t grasp now how much possibility lay before you and how fabulous you really looked... You’re not as fat as you imagine. Don’t worry about the future; or worry, but know that worrying is as effective as trying to solve an algebra equation by chewing bubblegum. The real troubles in your life are apt to be things that never crossed your worried mind; the kind that blindside you at 4pm on some idle Tuesday. Do one thing everyday that scares you. Sing. Don’t be reckless with other people’s hearts, don’t put up with people who are reckless with yours. Floss. Don’t waste your time on jealousy; sometimes you’re ahead, sometimes you’re behind... the race is long, and in the end, it’s only with yourself. Remember the compliments you receive, forget the insults; if you succeed in doing this, tell me how. Keep your old love letters, throw away your old bank statements. Stretch Don’t feel guilty if you don’t know what you want to do with your life... the most interesting people I know didn’t know at 22 what they wanted to do with their lives, some of the most interesting 40 year olds I know still don’t. Get plenty of calcium. Be kind to your knees, you’ll miss them when they’re gone. Maybe you’ll marry, maybe you won’t, maybe you’ll have children, maybe you won’t, maybe you’ll divorce at 40, maybe you’ll dance the funky chicken on your 75th wedding anniversary... what ever you do, don’t congratulate yourself too much or berate yourself either - your choices are half chance, so are everybody else’s. Enjoy your body, use it every way you can... don’t be afraid of it, or what other people think of it, it’s the greatest instrument you’ll ever own... Dance... even if you have nowhere to do it but in your own living room. Read the directions, even if you don’t follow them. Do NOT read beauty magazines, they will only make you feel ugly. Get to know your parents, you never know when they’ll be gone for good. Be nice to your siblings; they are the best link to your past and the people most likely to stick with you in the future. Understand that friends come and go, but for the precious few you should hold on. Work hard to bridge the gaps in geography and lifestyle because the older you get, the more you need the people you knew when you were young. Live in New York City once, but leave before it makes you hard; live in Northern California once, but leave before it makes you soft. Travel. Accept certain inalienable truths, prices will rise, politicians will philander, you too will get old, and when you do you’ll fantasize that when you were young prices were reasonable, politicians were noble and children respected their elders. Respect your elders. Don’t expect anyone else to support you. Maybe you have a trust fund, maybe you have a wealthy spouse; but you never know when either one might run out. Don’t mess too much with your hair, or by the time you're 40, it will look 85. Be careful whose advice you buy, but, be patient with those who supply it. Advice is a form of nostalgia, dispensing it is a way of fishing the past from the disposal, wiping it off, painting over the ugly parts and recycling it for more than it’s worth. But trust me on the sunscreen...
Anyway... I love that song...well, talk with music in the background. I dont really know why, but he seems to have good advice... : )
In any case, nothing new has really been going on. Just got a new job at the Children's Place in Westbrook selling lil kids clothes to keep me outta my house and away from my thoughts. I decided that me alone in my house is a bad idea because y thoughts and emotions run rampant and it's just overall unsafe. So i got a job so I can stop.
I have to call my adviser at school on monday and try to set up an appointment to register for classes... I feel like I'm signing a death sentence though... I hate that. I want out so badly that I'm afraid to sign up for class because it means I'm stuck here still... I just want to LEAVE so damn bad, and yes, maybe I AM running away. Michael, maybe you were right. Everyone else says so too, in any case, and i cant really fight everyone anymore...I gave up. Can't make everyone happy at once and you also can't fight everyone all at once either... It's like fighting a dual-fronted war: bad idea. History just proves that one... So I give up. Maybe I AM running away, but maybe I'm okay with that... Moma keeps asking why I'd want to go somewhere where I know NOBODY and start from scratch... part of it is to escape from this reality, the other part...is the challenge of it. I did it once and it almost killed me and i was better for it. I made it my home and i loved it. I want to see if I can do again and MAKE it stick. In all reality, I just want the independance, partially prove to myself that I can do it, but mostly because of everyone else... no one else really believes I can do it, or doesn't want to me, or wants to see me fail... So I'll do it in the end probably just to spite everyone... but then i guess i'm doing it for all the wrong reasons... *sigh* I just feel so torn. I want out but I dont WANT to run, but more often than not, I'm ok with that stigma... A runner... I want so badly to break free of this place, the people, the things I've said and done... and start clean over. And part of me knows and fully acknowledges that there IS no such thing as starting completely over, because I Will always carry those things with me, and just because they aren't there doesn't mean they arent there... if that made ANY sense to y'all, let me know, because it made a lot of sense to me... It's like.. It wont be right in my face but it'll be in my mind, my memory, my thoughts, so it will be there just not in full force like it is now. And I know I dont really have it that bad here, i KNOW that... it's just a feeling... and this place gives me such bad feelings... i'm not going to write it all out here because no one really cares enough to HEAR about it, but i have a lot of thoughts and emotions about this place and a lot of times i feel suffocated. And that'll suffice for you to know because that's all thats needed i suppose.
In any case, my plans for tonight are completely shot to shit.
So I lied. Going out with Brendan. Gonna smoke some sheesha and relax. Finally.