Santa Baby
~As children we believed the grandest sight to see was something lovely
wrapped beneath our tree. Well heaven only knows that packages and bows can never heal a hurting human soul...
Dear Santa,
I can't really say that I've been a "good girl" by your general standards this year. I've hurt a lot of people who didn't deserve it, but I also learned a lot, and learned even more from those people I hurt and the people who hurt me as well. I was helping the kids at work write letters to you the other day and I got to thinking. This year for Christmas, I too, would write a letter to you, real or not, I'm totally indifferent. So here goes:
This year for Christmas, I need your advice. What would you recommend I do: How to you give someone a gift you've given them all along? Something that you give everyday but goes unnoticed? How do you re-wrap something that was torn into times before and still make it look pretty? How do you box up something intangible and hand it to someone? More importantly, how do you box, wrap and make beautiful something that already should BE beautiful?
This year for Christmas, Santa... all I want is for him to understand. Because short of wrapping it up and slapping a bow on top, I've done everything else I could to make him understand. So, I thought ways I could help this along. Divine interventions far out of the question for me because let's face it? I'm not so sure I'm God's favorite kid ever. It's a bad time for the Easter Bunny. Logan helps as best she can but I feel bad: it's not her problem. I've tried: I've pushed, I've shoved, only f course after trying to play nice first.
But for Christmas... I want him to understand how much I care. That love isn't something I can give just one time a year. I cant box it up. I can't wrap it. I can't put a bow on it. I can't NOT give him this gift either, Santa, because I can't help it.
I know it's hard for some people to understand how I so easily fall head over heels and can love so easily. I wear my heart on my sleeve, I know I do. The problem is, Santa, is that people with the greatest propensity to love, also hold the greatest propensity for pain...
So anyway: If you could just help me out with this gift wrapping issue, I'd be forever grateful.
--Chris
P.S. If you can bring Jeffy and Marc safely home when they'r all done, that would be great too.
P.P.S. Don't let him forget about me... he told me I saved him... Well, he saved me too, more times than I can say. He means the world to me, just so you know... And I hear you watch us all year long... Parker told me: and he knows, he's three now ya know. I thought it was strange and asked Parker about his view on stalking. He said it was ok cuz it was Santa. So I guess your exempt from the law. <3. Good for you. It takes a special guy I guess. Anyway: If you're watching him too... just make sure he's ok for me here and again, all right?
P.P.P.S. Thanks!
Anyway: back to our regularly scheduled programming:
*...I been sittin' here starin at the clock on the wall and I been layin' here prayin'... It's just another call from home and you'll get it and be gone... and I'll be cryin... And I'll be beggin' you, baby, beg you not to leave but I'll be left here waitin' with my heart on my sleeve... Oh, for the next time we'll be here, seems like a million years and I think I'm dyin'...I'm down on my knees, I'm so tired of bein' lonely.. Don't I give you what you need?? I can't take it any longer but my will is gettin' stronger and I think I know just what I have to do... I can't waste another minute
after all that I put in it: I've given you my best... Why don't you stay? I'm up off my knees, I'm so tired of bein' lonely, you can't give me what I need. I don't have to live this way... but baby why don't you stay...
* How can I bear to wake up and you're not there? What will I do when I turn and reach for you? I lay my tears on the windowsill, I'll only cry 'til I get over you, but how long will it take me? Won't you save me and stay just a little bit longer, til I'm a little bit stronger to take all this and stay just a little more time til I can find a way... Please stay. Will I ever smile again when losing my best friend?? To wonder where,wonder how,wonder what you're doing , one more night just before you break me... Hold me safely. Stay just a little bit longer til I'm a little bit stronger to take all this and stay just a little more time til I can find a way.. Please stay.... So I'll be a big girl and close my eyes, as you walk away don't you say goodbye... God save me... please won't you stay? Please stay...
I feel like I'm once again losing everything that I love. I tell people all the time that everything I love always goes away and sadly enough it seems entirely far too true. I don't know what to do anymore. I'm tired of being an option, a fall back plan, a "hey maybe," I'm tired of being a pretty face, I'm tired of being arm candy, I'm tired of being that "hot piece of ass," that "good lay." I'm so tired of being the crying shoulder to people, I'm so tired of people needing damned directions, I'm tired of people needing someones number, I'm tired of being walked on. I'm so tired of being a material THING to the people in my life. And maybe it's my fault, and I'm fairly certain it is.. I set myself up for this shit, I guess I am to blame for being taken advantage of and used because I so obviously BEG for it to happen. RRR.
Anyway: I was going to write more but decided that my little pity party is totally unattractive and thats not what I'm good for. So I'm going to put that damn smile in the jar back on tomorrow morning as usual and face the day with a little forced sunshine.
But for now...I'm leaving it off. This is me: take it or leave it. But don't take advantage of it.
-Christa
P.S. Have I mentioned lately how much I HATE the weather in New England from November-April?? Off to kick a puppy or small infant out of anger and frustration. See ya.