Part Three
Title: Finding Our Way Back
Author: sunalsosets
Rating: Light NC-17
Characters/Pairings: Luke/Noah, Luke/Reid, etc.
Word Count: 6,489
(7)
He disappeared for a week.
The first day, Luke stayed away. He hated it but his mom convinced him that it was probably best to let Noah have a little time to process everything and evaluate his feelings. By the second day he started calling and leaving desperate pleas on Noah's voicemail. By the third day he went over to Noah's place to demand that he stop avoiding him. That was when he ran into Alison who informed him that Noah wasn't there and in fact, she had no idea where he was. That's when his anger at Noah avoiding him and running away again from their problems, gave way to panic and worry over the possible consequences to his health. By the fifth day, Luke just felt defeated. That was when Noah finally contacted him. It was a brief text, just letting him know that he was okay.
Seven days later, Luke walked into his front door, exhausted after burying himself for hours in Foundation work, as to not deal with his issues with Noah. He was not expecting to find Noah casually standing in the living room.
"Hi..."
A little stunned, Luke could only return a quiet, "hi..." However, that was before his surprise and relief at seeing Noah and knowing he was okay, turned to anger. Anger at him for disappearing for a week with barely any contact, anger at him for possibly putting his health at risk and most of all, anger at him for once again, walking out and pushing him away.
Shoving his jacket onto the couch, Luke went into full on rant mode. “I can’t believe that’s all you have to say to me after vanishing for practically a week with no contact - and no, one freaking text message does not count. I get that you were mad and you have every reason to be but running off, possibly risking your health, was not the way to handle things. I mean what, were trying to torture me, punish me for hooking up with Reid because honestly Noah…”
“My father’s dying.”
Noah’s calm and almost detached announcement stunned Luke into immediate silence. Seconds passed as they simply stared at each other; Noah not sure what Luke was thinking and Luke unsure of what to say. He finally spoke the only words he could come up with.
“What…how?”
“Lung cancer,” Noah answered, still sounding emotionally removed from the words, “stage four.”
“I don’t understand, I thought your dad was obsessed with being healthy and staying fit. I mean he was a Colonel in the army."
“Yeah,” Noah scoffed, “but he was also the guy who smoked cigars for years. Dinner was not complete unless he had a glass of scotch and smoked down a cigar or two.”
Still looking torn between confusion and sadness, Luke answered, “how did he get this sick without you knowing?”
“He probably did tell me,” Noah shrugged, “in all the hundred or so letters he sent me that I had sent back every single time, unopened.” Not waiting for a response from Luke, he continued, sounding truly apologetic. "Anyway, that’s why I left. I mean don’t get me wrong, I was really angry at you but I wouldn’t just vanish like that. I got home, got the call and left immediately. I should have called and let you know I was okay though, I’m sorry.”
“It’s okay.” Taking a few steps closer, Luke held back from pulling Noah deeply into his arms, wanting to know the whole story first. “So what happened?”
“Well, he’d been getting treatment for the last year but about a month ago he stopped responding to it and last week he slipped into a coma, which is when they called me. At this point, they’re just making him comfortable and waiting for him to die.”
Sad and heartbroken, Luke moved forward to gently caress Noah’s face. “I’m sorry…I’m so sorry this is happening.”
A wary, faraway look played across Noah’s face as he slowly stared down into Luke’s eyes. “Why?”
“What?”
“Why would you be sorry?” Noah repeated bitterly. “He was a horrible human being Luke and you more than anyone know just how horrible. Why would you care if he’s dying?”
Luke leaned in until his forehead gently connected with Noah’s. Sounding a little frustrated, he softly breathed out against Noah’s lips, “I care because you care. I care because I love you and this is hurting you.”
Noah placed his hands over Luke’s, closing his eyes for a second as he drank in Luke’s lips on his, their breaths on each other’s face, before slowly pulling away and saying dismissively, “I’m fine.”
“Noah, you are not fine.” Luke said as he watched Noah walk towards the fireplace. “How could you be?”
Noah said nothing for a few moments. Eventually he slowly turned to face Luke, surprising him with how detached and cold he looked. In a distant voice, he stated, “I’m fine because the Colonel’s pretty much been dead to me since they dragged him off to prison for a second time.”
“If that were true Noah, you wouldn’t have gone to see him.”
“Right,” Noah gave a short, humorless chuckle, “I guess a stupid and naïve part of me thought that maybe his dying would make him finally see the error of ways. I was wrong.” Staring up at Luke, a tiny smile that didn’t quite reach his eyes played across his lips as he softly added, “he woke up while I was there you know. And the only thing he said to me was that he knew I’d come, that I’d never fully abandon him. He never once said, “I’m sorry”…”I’m sorry that I was a shitty father, sorry that I never accepted the person you are, sorry that I murdered your mother and sorry that I tried to murder the love of your life…” Noah’s voice had risen with every harsh word, until he was practically yelling, finally concluding, “So you know what, fuck him. I refuse to mourn or feel sad about his dying.”
He had tried to sound convincing but Luke knew him too well to buy any of it. Not saying a word, he simply moved forward and tenderly ran his hand through Noah’s hair before gently caressing his face. And before Noah could try to convince him again how okay he was, he pulled him into his arms, wrapping both hands tightly around Noah’s neck. While Noah continued to struggle with his emotions, Luke proceeded to plant small, tender kisses over his face, letting him know how much he loved him the entire time.
Noah was fighting him; he could feel it. He was trying desperately to not fall apart but Luke remained determined. Eventually he felt Noah’s hands tighten around his back, clutching his shirt desperately. And before he could react, Noah’s lips were on his hungrily, kissing him like a drowning man fighting for breath. Luke quickly recovered to match Noah stroke for stroke, kissing him back just as intensely and desperately. He reached for Noah’s shirt just as Noah dug his fingers roughly into his hair.
Luke moaned deep and low in the back of his throat as he slowly pulled his lips away from Noah’s, quickly placing them right at the throbbing pulse between Noah’s neck and collarbone. As he switched back and forth between licking and sucking the tender spot, his fingers began making quick work of Noah’s buttons. Just as he reached for the last one, he felt Noah’s hand on his, stilling the act.
“Wait…wait,” Noah stated breathlessly. “We can’t.”
In a foggy, turned on haze, Luke stared up at Noah in confusion. “What, why not?”
Not waiting for a response, he quickly placed his hands back on Noah’s shirt, roughly pulling at the fabric as he resumed stroking, licking and placing gentle bites on Noah’s neck, “I want to make you feel better…” Slowly moving his hand lower, gently brushing his fingers over Noah’s crotch, Luke whispered suggestively, “Let’s go upstairs.”
Looking like it was taking every ounce of personal restraint, Noah slowly pulled out of Luke’s arms. “I can’t.”
“Why?” Luke asked sounding and looking both breathless and confused.
“Because I didn’t come here just to tell you about the Colonel, Luke; I also came to tell you that I don’t think we should be together right now.”
“What,” Luke whispered, the heartbreak in his voice evident.
Sounding just as heartbroken as Luke, Noah continued, “I did a lot of thinking while I was gone and as angry as I was about what happened with you and Reid, I was able to calm down long enough and look at the situation honestly. I know you love me Luke, I don’t question that but I think you have some unresolved feelings for Reid whether you want to admit it or not. And you and I can’t fully move on unless you figure out exactly what those feelings are.”
“That is the stupidest thing I’ve ever heard,” Luke snapped out, not caring how harsh he sounded. “There is nothing for me to figure out Noah. I told you that I was attracted to Reid and a big part of that was because I was lonely. I hadn’t had anyone touch me, kiss me, look at me with longing for months and there was this guy, obnoxious as he was, who wanted me. And it felt nice to feel wanted…but that’s all it was. I love you, I want to be with you and the only person holding us back right now is you.”
Noah silently stared back at Luke, creating a flicker of hope in him that maybe; just maybe he’d gotten through to him. He hadn’t. Looking like his actions were killing him, Noah extended a slightly shaky hand to Luke’s face, tenderly caressing every inch, almost like he was trying to trace Luke’s face with his fingertips.
“I love you more than my own life and I want so much to just pretend everything is fine, but I can’t. I know you don’t agree, but I think this is for the best.”
On that final note, he gently pulled Luke’s face towards his, tenderly placing his lips on his. Before Luke could properly respond, he pulled away, grabbed his jacket and was gone. Luke remained rooted to his spot, confusion and hurt written all over his face. The tears didn’t start to fall until he quietly brought a fingertip to his lips, trying to hold onto the taste of that last kiss.
(8)
Luke held off for two weeks. He believed Noah was wrong in his decision and was determined to not speak to him until he realized how ridiculous he was being. It really was not a surprise to either of them that he couldn’t hold his tongue for too long. Exactly two weeks to the day, he showed up at Java, stubborn determination written all over his face.
Noah stared up from the paper he was reading when he heard the loud slam of Luke’s jacket on the countertop. Before he could get a word out, Luke launched into his premeditated rant. “So, I gave it some thought and decided that your whole “you need to figure out what you want” spiel is bullshit. I love you and you love me and the only one stopping us from being together, is you. However since you’re determined to be stubborn about this, I’ll play along. But I’m telling you right now, you won’t get a moment’s peace from me. If you thought I could be annoyingly stubborn before, you haven’t seen anything yet. I’ll be here every single day, touching you, holding you and telling you how wrong you are; until you have no choice but to accept that what happened between me and Reid was just a confused mistake on my part and that the only person I want, the only person I’ve ever wanted, is you.”
Noah listened silently, a bemused expression playing slowly across his face. “Is that it,” he asked, when Luke finally paused for a breath.
“Yes.”
“Okay. By the way, did you just threaten me?”
A devious smile on his face, Luke answered, “You call it a threat, I call it being honest.” A small smile crept at the corner of Noah’s lips as Luke added, “I mean it. You’re not getting away from me Mayer.” And before Noah could respond, he leaned over the counter, grabbed at his shirt and pulled him in roughly for a deep and thorough kiss. By the time he was done, all Noah was capable of was a soft, breathless, “okay.”
(9)
“Luke, we are not having sex in here.”
“Hmm, that’s what your mouth says,” Luke mumbled, “but I think this says something differently.” His hand was on Noah’s crotch, alternating between gentle caresses and heavy stroking. He could feel Noah’s penis, hard and practically straining against his pants.
Breathing heavily, Noah muttered, “Stop…” but the command sounded weak even to his ears. Luke smirked, knowing he was on the brink of winning.
Noah had no idea how he even ended up in this situation. All he remembered was going into the stock-room at Java before closing up for the night and suddenly Luke was there, locking the door and pushing him against a wall. Before he had a second to catch his breath, Luke’s mouth was on his, diving his tongue roughly in and his hand was down Noah’s pants. He couldn’t say he was too surprised. Since their conversation, Luke’s ammo to convince Noah he was wrong about his decision seemed to be to sexually assault him at any and all opportunities.
There was the elevator at Lily’s hotel, Luke’s office at work, Noah’s van and just two days ago, the back alley of Yo’s!. He still couldn’t believe they’d had sex so publicly. It had been so rough that he was pretty sure they were both still spotting some scars on their necks and backs. Thinking about that night was not exactly helping his current situation however. In the second his mind had wandered, Luke had fallen down to his knees, taking Noah’s pants and boxer briefs down with him; his hand and mouth already desperately attacking Noah’s throbbing cock.
Feeling lightheaded, Noah stared down into Luke’s deep and shiny brown eyes, watching as he slowly and suggestively dropped a small amount of spit on the head of Noah’s cock before stroking it up and down with his hand. The spit mixed with the tiny bit of pre-cum already seeping out.
Smiling wickedly, Luke teased the head with tiny flicks of the tip of his tongue. Feeling like he had Noah right where he wanted him, he stared up and whispered, “Do you want me to stop?”
Noah was almost incapable of forming words. Applying more pressure, Luke squeezed a little harder before roughly stroking his hand up and down Noah’s shaft. His mouth was just a breath away, practically on the throbbing head, as he repeated, “do you want me to stop?”
Finding his voice, Noah could only mutter a desperate, “no, I….”
He didn’t have to say anymore. Luke quickly swallowed, hungrily lapping up as much of Noah as he could take. Noah dug his hand into Luke’s hair, roughly pulling at it, until he could feel Luke’s scalp under his fingernails. Luke kept licking and sucking like his life depended on it. Removing the hand he’d been using to stroke the base of Noah’s penis, he sucked in a breath through his nose before quickly replacing the hand with his mouth, going all in and taking all of Noah in his mouth. It took him a few months when they first started giving each other blow-jobs, to master the art of deep-throating but once he did, Luke couldn’t imagine anything better. Taking the cum covered hand he’d had on Noah’s penis, he reached for Noah’s hand in his hair, guiding it to push his head further down. Noah immediately got the hint. He attacked Luke’s mouth, slamming it down onto his cock, as his hips rolled around, roughly shoving upwards.
Noah was attacking Luke’s face with a vengeance and Luke loved every second of it. When things got this intense, it rarely took long for either one to find release and this time was no different. Luke was moaning hungrily around Noah’s penis when he felt the first spurts of warm semen hit the back of his throat. He happily swallowed down as much as he could, never letting up on the pressure until he felt Noah go limp in his mouth. When he finally pulled away, giving one last slow, wet lick of his tongue from base to top, Noah closed his eyes, sounding like he could barely a catch a breath.
“Fuck…” he whispered breathlessly, before staring down at Luke looking up at him, lips swollen red and wet, smugness written all over his face. He hesitated for a second before roughly pulling Luke to his feet and plunging his mouth on his, tasting himself on Luke’s tongue. Before Luke could really get into the kiss, Noah shoved him against the wall, quickly reaching around for his belt.
“I’m going to fuck you so hard against this wall.”
“Do it…” Luke muttered harshly, “fuck me.”
Noah fumbled with Luke’s pants, finally pulling out his cock and wrapping it into his hand, stroking up and down. “Yesss…” Luke moaned. Tilting Luke’s head a little to the left with his free hand, Noah slammed his mouth down on his, as his hand stroked up and down Luke’s cum soaked penis. Luke returned the kiss just as roughly, their tongues wrapping furiously around each other. A few moments later, pulling his mouth away, Noah took his hand off Luke’s cock, bringing it up to Luke’s mouth.
“Suck it…” he demanded intensely, as he placed three fingers at Luke’s mouth. Luke quickly obliged, hungrily taking the three fingers in his mouth, licking and sucking them. Pulling his fingers away slowly, eliciting a tiny whine from Luke, Noah brought them down to Luke’s ass, teasingly running his hand up and down before slowly inserting one. As he did, he placed his other hand on Luke’s almost painfully throbbing cock.
“Oh fuck….” Luke moaned as Noah continued to stroke his cock with one hand and replaced the one finger in his ass with two, then three. He kept up the double assault until both of his hands were practically soaked with Luke’s semen. Reaching quickly for the condoms and lube Luke had pulled out of his pocket when he’d first barged into the room; Noah prepared his already rock hard again cock for entry. He moved slowly, fitting himself perfectly inside Luke’s perfectly round ass. Once he was right where he needed to be, slow became a foreign concept. He dug his hand deeply into Luke’s already messy, disheveled hair and joined Luke in stroking his own cock, while he plunged into him over and over.
“Is this what you want?” Noah grunted.
“Yes…” Luke mumbled, almost incoherent with passion, “yes…don’t stop, don’t ever stop.”
Words were quickly replaced with only guttural moans and animalistic sounds, and eventually the sounds of both finding their release.
******
A short while later, after Noah figured out what to do with the condom and used his t-shirt (figuring he could always just wear his jacket as a shirt) to clean them both up as best he could, they both slowly dropped to the floor, almost too exhausted to move.
Luke broke the silence first, whispering exhaustedly, “that was amazing.” When Noah remained silent, he snuck a peek at his face, before saying, “Noah, what’s wrong?”
“What’s wrong,” Noah chuckled incredulously, “is we can’t keep doing this Luke. Okay, so we’re having amazing sex but how does that solve anything?”
Staring at Noah with a sudden fire in his eyes, Luke yelled, “Maybe there’s nothing to solve Noah. You’re the one convinced that I have some sort of unresolved feelings for Reid but I’m here, showing you that the only person I want, the only person I’ve ever wanted is you. I don’t know what else I can do to convince you that I’m not confused about anything and the only one screwing us up here is you.” With that, Luke rose to his feet, grabbed his jacket and stalked out, leaving a bewildered Noah in his wake.
(10)
He was an orphan. It felt silly to even think it considering Noah had never really known his mother and as he told Luke, had felt like the Colonel was dead to him the moment he’d been carted off to Statesville for a second time. Still, feeling one way about something and having it turn out to be true was a completely different experience.
Noah had been in the room when the Colonel peacefully passed away. He’d started flat lining while Noah was quietly watching him. Instinct had made him quickly rush over to the nurse’s station to let them know what was happening. The doctor and a few nurses came in but eventually all just stood around quietly, not doing anything.
“What’s going on, why aren’t you doing anything to save him?” Noah had asked confused.
Staring a little sadly at him, the doctor said softly, “your father signed a Do Not Resuscitate form Noah. We’re legally unable to do anything.”
“So you’re just going to watch him die?” Noah had tried valiantly to ignore the slight tremble in his voice.
“We have no choice.”
And with those words, the doctor had turned back to the bed and Noah, along with virtually three strangers, quietly watched as his father slowly withered away. It seemed to last for a lifetime but in actuality couldn’t have been more than five minutes. There was a loud, long, drawn out beep and then, just like that, it was over. His father was dead.
The doctor and nurses had asked if Noah needed a few moments alone with his father and his first instinct had been to say no, but he somehow found himself softly saying yes. They all left the room and he was suddenly left alone with his father. Left alone to say goodbye, to grieve…honestly, Noah wasn’t sure what exactly he was supposed to do. He stared silently at his father’s dead body for a long time, trying valiantly to control all the emotions raging in him. He’d finally reached for the Colonel’s already cool hand before whispering, “Goodbye dad.”
And then the tears came. It was so sudden and unexpected that at first Noah looked around the room in a confusion, wondering where the moisture on his face was coming from. He finally realized that those were his own tears and once he did, he couldn’t seem to stop them. He cried silently, dignified, because even in death, he could hear the Colonel’s voice barking at him that, “real men don’t cry…it’s a sign of weakness.”
Noah cried for this man he never really knew, who never really knew him, for the relationship they never had, for all the hateful, painful things he’d done to others and most of all, he cried because for as much as he hated him, Noah knew deep down in his heart that he’d loved him too.
******
And so now, he sat alone in a funeral home, the only one attending the funeral service (if you could even call it that) of his father, pondering over the fact that he was now officially an orphan. He’d wanted desperately to call Luke. They’d seen each other a few days after the incident at Java and while Luke maintained that he didn’t understand why Noah was holding back, he accepted that maybe he’d overreacted that day. They’d spent most of the day talking about a lot of things and had actually ended up having an amazing time together.
Then he’d left to see the Colonel and now he was dead. He’d wanted so badly to call Luke, to have him come and hold him in his arms and tell him everything was going to be okay but a part of Noah felt like it was unfair to do so. He didn’t think he had the right to ask Luke to come and help him pay final respects to a man who had hated him enough to try to kill him. He decided that while he was hurting, he was fine and once he’d done his final duties as a son and laid the Colonel to rest, he could move on.
Unfortunately, things didn’t always turn out as planned. Alison had found out about his father when she accidentally heard a message left for him by the funeral director. He’d sworn immediately that he was fine and that he didn’t want to talk about it. Alison had respected his wishes but not before pulling him into a tight hug and telling him how sorry she was. However, a part of Noah knew she wouldn’t leave it at that. Because of this, he wasn’t really surprised when he heard the familiar voice say softly behind him, “hi…” Turning around, he stared him deeply in the eyes, his gratitude almost overwhelming him before replying softly, “hi Luke.”
(11)
“I would ask how you knew where to find me but I’m guessing Alison called you.”
Moving forward to join Noah on the pew, Luke gave a small nod before saying, “she thought you needed me even if you wouldn’t admit it.”
Suddenly too weak to fight his feelings, Noah stared tiredly at Luke before saying honestly, “she was right.”
“I’m here,” Luke stated, before taking Noah’s hand in his and giving it a gentle squeeze.
And they remained that way all through the brief service (Noah suspected the funeral director had some vague knowledge about his father which made it highly unlikely that he’d give a long speech on how much of a loss his death was), to the gravesite where Noah had actually purchased a headstone for his father and finally back to Noah’s place where Luke decided he could probably use a drink.
Noah had decided against anything too heavy, instead opting for a simple beer. They were sitting quietly, both lost in their own thoughts, when Luke suddenly broke the silence. “Are you okay,” he asked, stroking a hand tenderly down Noah’s cheek. Noah thought about the question for a moment before finally saying, “I think so.”
“Good…” Luke replied, “Because I have to break up with you.”
He’d said it so casually that it took a few seconds for Noah to even be certain that he’d heard correctly. It was a good thing he hadn’t been taking a sip of his drink because the immediate flip in his stomach in response to Luke’s comment, surely would have caused him to spit it out.
“What?”
Looking completely devastated, like it was taking every ounce of courage to say what he was about to, Luke stated, “I don’t know if breaking up is even the right expression considering we’re not even really together right now.” Fighting the emotions threatening to spill out he took a heavy breath before continuing, “You said that I needed to figure out what it was I really wanted and I have. This is not about Reid, it never was. It’s about you and me and who we are and the mistakes that we make. It’s been three years Noah, and I still feel like I have to fight and crawl my way to you whenever something horrible happens in your life. I still feel you shut me out whenever you’re hurting and I just don’t have it in me anymore to keep fighting you to get to you.
He’d tried valiantly to fight the tears but by the end of his speech, they were coming of their own accord. “I love you so much…that’ll probably never change but I don’t think we’re right for each other anymore.”
He should say something. Every nerve in Noah’s body was screaming at him to say something, anything to convince Luke that he was wrong; that yes, they were not perfect but they were perfect together and most importantly, that he needed him…god he needed him so badly. But somehow, the words never came and instead he just sat numbly, stoically staring back at Luke. Eventually he muttered, “I’m sorry, I…”
“It’s okay I know,” Luke smiled tenderly through his tears before moving forward to place a soft, yet passionate kiss on Noah’s lips.
“Goodbye Noah,” he whispered, before reaching for his jacket on the back of the couch and heading for the door. As he got there, he hesitated for a moment, his hand on the door knob, before finally opening it and walking out the door without a backward glance.
Noah remained motionless on the couch, the minutes slowly ticking by. Eventually, he got up slowly to lock the front door and then put away his half empty bottle of beer. He went through the motions of taking off his suit, getting undressed and heading into the shower. The tears didn’t come until the hot water was beating down on his body and what started as silent tears soon became loud, heart wrenching sobs.
(12)
A day turned into a week and one week turned into two weeks, then to a month and before Noah knew it, it had been two months. Two months since he and Luke had officially broken up. It wasn’t the first time they’d broken up or taken a break or pushed the other away, but something about this time felt more final, more real. The first few days had been some of the hardest of Noah’s life. There had been so many times that his fingers had practically itched to pick up his cell phone and call Luke; other the times when it took everything in him to not run over to Lily’s and beg Luke to reconsider. He’d done neither.
Because the truth was, a part of him wondered if Luke may not have been right about them not being right for each other anymore. More than that, Noah wondered, not for the first time, if something was just emotionally broken in him. Specifically, if there was something in him, some deep seated reason why he kept pushing away the one person who mattered more to him than life itself.
He wasn’t completely clueless. He knew a part of it had to do with his childhood and his relationship with his father, not to mention the fact the he’d never known his mother. However, he also realized that at some point he couldn’t keep using his past as an excuse. That ultimately, it wasn’t fair to Luke. So as badly as he missed him, as much as he wanted so much to hold Luke in his arms and never let go, feel his soft lips on his and feel himself buried inside him right to his core; a deeper part of Noah felt like he had no right to want these things anymore. That it was not fair to force Luke to continue to deal with his issues…and so he’d simply stayed away.
He’d said as much to Lily when she’d come by his apartment to see how he was doing. Noah couldn’t hide his immense gratitude that despite everything, she still cared. Cared enough to check up on his health, make sure he was taking care of himself and ask him how he was handling the break-up. He had stared up at Lily, heartbreak and pain written all over his face as he said softly, “I miss him so much.”
Lily had simply smiled, saying softly, “I know.”
There were the inevitable awkward run-ins. In a town this small, it was unavoidable. The first time had been incredibly painful on both their parts, neither knowing exactly what to say, eventually settling on polite pleasantries like how the other was doing and how were things going. It hadn’t escaped Noah’s notice how much pain Luke was in. While he remained resolute in his decision, it was obvious that the break-up had taken its toll on him. His eyes had been slightly swollen; his face withdrawn and it looked like he’d lost a few pounds. Noah might have been surprised and concerned if he hadn’t looked the same. He’d gotten so pale and withdrawn in the first few weeks after the break-up that Alison eventually expressed concern about his health. He’d assured her that he was fine, having had one of his most recent checkups with his new doctor, referred to him by Dr. Oliver.
Noah thought back to that first and last conversation he’d had with Dr. Oliver after finding out about him and Luke. It had taken everything in him not to punch the obnoxious sneer off the guy’s face but ultimately, he’d just calmly and coldly made it clear that he wanted nothing to do with him. Not sounding the least bit apologetic, Reid had simply stated that he’d be damned if Noah ruined his good name by dying after all the work he’d done to get him his sight back. So with that said, he’d referred him to one of the doctors who’d been part of his surgical team. And that had been it. They’d seen each other a few times around the hospital but both simply ignored the other’s presence. Every time he saw him however, Noah wondered if Reid knew about his breakup with Luke and more importantly, how quickly he’d take advantage of the opportunity to have Luke for himself.
(13)
Luke sighed loudly and irritably, dropping the book he’d been reading onto the couch. He didn’t want to be here. He wanted to be at work, burying himself in press releases, newsletters, and budget outlines; basically anything that allowed him to not have to think about the fact that he’d lost the love of his life. Unfortunately, a person was no longer allowed to wallow in self-pity in peace. Both his mother and grandmother Lucinda had cornered him at work, demanding he go home, even threatening to have security drag him out of the building (that one was Lucinda’s doing).
“Honey, you can’t bury yourself in work as a way to not deal with this,” his mother had said. Neither of them could understand that it was the only way to deal with this break-up because sitting at home, thinking about it just left him gutted every time, left him questioning his decision, questioning his feelings, Noah’s feelings and basically making himself insane. It may not have been healthy but since he couldn’t drink, work was the only substitute he had for numbing away the hurt and pain. Not in the mood to go down the road of rehashing all his confusing feelings for the hundredth time, Luke abruptly stood up, muttering, “I have to get out here,” before picking up his jacket and heading out.
He had no particular destination in mind and somehow ended up at a small park, less than a block away from Oakdale Memorial. He’d been walking mindlessly for only a few minutes, taking in the children running around chasing dogs and each other, people jogging or reading; when he literally bumped right into Reid.
Hi,” Luke said, a little breathless from his shock.
“Hi,” Reid said warmly, before adding, “what are you doing here?”
“Just walking around, thinking,” Luke shrugged. There was an awkward pause, like there was something Reid wanted to say in response to Luke’s comment but was uncertain if he should. When he finally spoke, Luke understood his hesitation.
Softly, eyeing him a little cautiously, Reid said, “I heard about you and Noah…”
“Of course you did,” Luke scoffed.
“How are you doing?”
Looking Reid squarely in the eyes, a small frown on his face like he was trying to solve some mystery, Luke finally stated, “Do you really care?”
“Yes, I do,” Reid replied with no hesitation.
“Okay,” Luke began, “well truthfully, it hurts like hell and it sucks but I believe it’s for the best.”
There it was again, that awkward, nervous pause. Finally, seeming to decide to hell with it, Reid said, “You know, I hate playing games and being coy. I find it tedious and annoyingly time consuming so I’m just going to be honest. I hate that you’re hurting but I’m not sorry you and Noah broke up. The truth is, I like you Luke…I like you a lot. I wish, especially in the last few months that I didn’t want you as much as I do but I can’t help it. And I’m probably being an idiot by doing this since every bit of logic and reason tells me that you’re probably not ready, but I’m going to take my chances anyway and ask you if you would like to go out with me.”
Luke was stunned. Reid had made his entire declaration in his usual calm, measured and frankly, slightly dismissive tone; so much so, that the last thing Luke saw coming was a date request. Speechless, he silently stared at Reid before finally saying the only thing that came to his mind, “what?”
“Will you go out with me?” Reid asked, enunciating the words like he was communicating with a confused child.
So he hadn’t misheard him. Luke continued to stare blankly back at Reid, his brain firing on all cylinders. Before he could formulate some kind of response, the awkward silence was broken by Reid’s pager going off. Shooting a quick glance at it, Reid brought his gaze back up to Luke’s still stunned face, saying softly, “I have to get back to the hospital. Think about it and let me know.”
And just like that, he was gone. Luke remained rooted to his spot for a few more seconds before giving his head a tiny shake in an attempt to rid it of all its confusing thoughts. He turned and headed back home, thinking about Reid’s offer the whole time. His first thought was, “I can’t go out with Reid…I just can’t”. However that thought was quickly replaced with, “why not, you and Noah are over and you’re attracted to him as much as you hate to admit it.” Luke battled with his thoughts, going back and forth until finally, a small but determined voice in his head said, “it’s just a date, what are you so afraid of?”
And with that, almost three hours after Reid had left him looking dumbfounded in the park, he picked up his cell-phone and nervously dialed Reid’s number. He answered on the second ring.
“Hi.”
“Hi.” And before he could lose his courage, Luke immediately added, “I’d love to go out with you.”
Part Four
Author: sunalsosets
Rating: Light NC-17
Characters/Pairings: Luke/Noah, Luke/Reid, etc.
Word Count: 6,489
(7)
He disappeared for a week.
The first day, Luke stayed away. He hated it but his mom convinced him that it was probably best to let Noah have a little time to process everything and evaluate his feelings. By the second day he started calling and leaving desperate pleas on Noah's voicemail. By the third day he went over to Noah's place to demand that he stop avoiding him. That was when he ran into Alison who informed him that Noah wasn't there and in fact, she had no idea where he was. That's when his anger at Noah avoiding him and running away again from their problems, gave way to panic and worry over the possible consequences to his health. By the fifth day, Luke just felt defeated. That was when Noah finally contacted him. It was a brief text, just letting him know that he was okay.
Seven days later, Luke walked into his front door, exhausted after burying himself for hours in Foundation work, as to not deal with his issues with Noah. He was not expecting to find Noah casually standing in the living room.
"Hi..."
A little stunned, Luke could only return a quiet, "hi..." However, that was before his surprise and relief at seeing Noah and knowing he was okay, turned to anger. Anger at him for disappearing for a week with barely any contact, anger at him for possibly putting his health at risk and most of all, anger at him for once again, walking out and pushing him away.
Shoving his jacket onto the couch, Luke went into full on rant mode. “I can’t believe that’s all you have to say to me after vanishing for practically a week with no contact - and no, one freaking text message does not count. I get that you were mad and you have every reason to be but running off, possibly risking your health, was not the way to handle things. I mean what, were trying to torture me, punish me for hooking up with Reid because honestly Noah…”
“My father’s dying.”
Noah’s calm and almost detached announcement stunned Luke into immediate silence. Seconds passed as they simply stared at each other; Noah not sure what Luke was thinking and Luke unsure of what to say. He finally spoke the only words he could come up with.
“What…how?”
“Lung cancer,” Noah answered, still sounding emotionally removed from the words, “stage four.”
“I don’t understand, I thought your dad was obsessed with being healthy and staying fit. I mean he was a Colonel in the army."
“Yeah,” Noah scoffed, “but he was also the guy who smoked cigars for years. Dinner was not complete unless he had a glass of scotch and smoked down a cigar or two.”
Still looking torn between confusion and sadness, Luke answered, “how did he get this sick without you knowing?”
“He probably did tell me,” Noah shrugged, “in all the hundred or so letters he sent me that I had sent back every single time, unopened.” Not waiting for a response from Luke, he continued, sounding truly apologetic. "Anyway, that’s why I left. I mean don’t get me wrong, I was really angry at you but I wouldn’t just vanish like that. I got home, got the call and left immediately. I should have called and let you know I was okay though, I’m sorry.”
“It’s okay.” Taking a few steps closer, Luke held back from pulling Noah deeply into his arms, wanting to know the whole story first. “So what happened?”
“Well, he’d been getting treatment for the last year but about a month ago he stopped responding to it and last week he slipped into a coma, which is when they called me. At this point, they’re just making him comfortable and waiting for him to die.”
Sad and heartbroken, Luke moved forward to gently caress Noah’s face. “I’m sorry…I’m so sorry this is happening.”
A wary, faraway look played across Noah’s face as he slowly stared down into Luke’s eyes. “Why?”
“What?”
“Why would you be sorry?” Noah repeated bitterly. “He was a horrible human being Luke and you more than anyone know just how horrible. Why would you care if he’s dying?”
Luke leaned in until his forehead gently connected with Noah’s. Sounding a little frustrated, he softly breathed out against Noah’s lips, “I care because you care. I care because I love you and this is hurting you.”
Noah placed his hands over Luke’s, closing his eyes for a second as he drank in Luke’s lips on his, their breaths on each other’s face, before slowly pulling away and saying dismissively, “I’m fine.”
“Noah, you are not fine.” Luke said as he watched Noah walk towards the fireplace. “How could you be?”
Noah said nothing for a few moments. Eventually he slowly turned to face Luke, surprising him with how detached and cold he looked. In a distant voice, he stated, “I’m fine because the Colonel’s pretty much been dead to me since they dragged him off to prison for a second time.”
“If that were true Noah, you wouldn’t have gone to see him.”
“Right,” Noah gave a short, humorless chuckle, “I guess a stupid and naïve part of me thought that maybe his dying would make him finally see the error of ways. I was wrong.” Staring up at Luke, a tiny smile that didn’t quite reach his eyes played across his lips as he softly added, “he woke up while I was there you know. And the only thing he said to me was that he knew I’d come, that I’d never fully abandon him. He never once said, “I’m sorry”…”I’m sorry that I was a shitty father, sorry that I never accepted the person you are, sorry that I murdered your mother and sorry that I tried to murder the love of your life…” Noah’s voice had risen with every harsh word, until he was practically yelling, finally concluding, “So you know what, fuck him. I refuse to mourn or feel sad about his dying.”
He had tried to sound convincing but Luke knew him too well to buy any of it. Not saying a word, he simply moved forward and tenderly ran his hand through Noah’s hair before gently caressing his face. And before Noah could try to convince him again how okay he was, he pulled him into his arms, wrapping both hands tightly around Noah’s neck. While Noah continued to struggle with his emotions, Luke proceeded to plant small, tender kisses over his face, letting him know how much he loved him the entire time.
Noah was fighting him; he could feel it. He was trying desperately to not fall apart but Luke remained determined. Eventually he felt Noah’s hands tighten around his back, clutching his shirt desperately. And before he could react, Noah’s lips were on his hungrily, kissing him like a drowning man fighting for breath. Luke quickly recovered to match Noah stroke for stroke, kissing him back just as intensely and desperately. He reached for Noah’s shirt just as Noah dug his fingers roughly into his hair.
Luke moaned deep and low in the back of his throat as he slowly pulled his lips away from Noah’s, quickly placing them right at the throbbing pulse between Noah’s neck and collarbone. As he switched back and forth between licking and sucking the tender spot, his fingers began making quick work of Noah’s buttons. Just as he reached for the last one, he felt Noah’s hand on his, stilling the act.
“Wait…wait,” Noah stated breathlessly. “We can’t.”
In a foggy, turned on haze, Luke stared up at Noah in confusion. “What, why not?”
Not waiting for a response, he quickly placed his hands back on Noah’s shirt, roughly pulling at the fabric as he resumed stroking, licking and placing gentle bites on Noah’s neck, “I want to make you feel better…” Slowly moving his hand lower, gently brushing his fingers over Noah’s crotch, Luke whispered suggestively, “Let’s go upstairs.”
Looking like it was taking every ounce of personal restraint, Noah slowly pulled out of Luke’s arms. “I can’t.”
“Why?” Luke asked sounding and looking both breathless and confused.
“Because I didn’t come here just to tell you about the Colonel, Luke; I also came to tell you that I don’t think we should be together right now.”
“What,” Luke whispered, the heartbreak in his voice evident.
Sounding just as heartbroken as Luke, Noah continued, “I did a lot of thinking while I was gone and as angry as I was about what happened with you and Reid, I was able to calm down long enough and look at the situation honestly. I know you love me Luke, I don’t question that but I think you have some unresolved feelings for Reid whether you want to admit it or not. And you and I can’t fully move on unless you figure out exactly what those feelings are.”
“That is the stupidest thing I’ve ever heard,” Luke snapped out, not caring how harsh he sounded. “There is nothing for me to figure out Noah. I told you that I was attracted to Reid and a big part of that was because I was lonely. I hadn’t had anyone touch me, kiss me, look at me with longing for months and there was this guy, obnoxious as he was, who wanted me. And it felt nice to feel wanted…but that’s all it was. I love you, I want to be with you and the only person holding us back right now is you.”
Noah silently stared back at Luke, creating a flicker of hope in him that maybe; just maybe he’d gotten through to him. He hadn’t. Looking like his actions were killing him, Noah extended a slightly shaky hand to Luke’s face, tenderly caressing every inch, almost like he was trying to trace Luke’s face with his fingertips.
“I love you more than my own life and I want so much to just pretend everything is fine, but I can’t. I know you don’t agree, but I think this is for the best.”
On that final note, he gently pulled Luke’s face towards his, tenderly placing his lips on his. Before Luke could properly respond, he pulled away, grabbed his jacket and was gone. Luke remained rooted to his spot, confusion and hurt written all over his face. The tears didn’t start to fall until he quietly brought a fingertip to his lips, trying to hold onto the taste of that last kiss.
(8)
Luke held off for two weeks. He believed Noah was wrong in his decision and was determined to not speak to him until he realized how ridiculous he was being. It really was not a surprise to either of them that he couldn’t hold his tongue for too long. Exactly two weeks to the day, he showed up at Java, stubborn determination written all over his face.
Noah stared up from the paper he was reading when he heard the loud slam of Luke’s jacket on the countertop. Before he could get a word out, Luke launched into his premeditated rant. “So, I gave it some thought and decided that your whole “you need to figure out what you want” spiel is bullshit. I love you and you love me and the only one stopping us from being together, is you. However since you’re determined to be stubborn about this, I’ll play along. But I’m telling you right now, you won’t get a moment’s peace from me. If you thought I could be annoyingly stubborn before, you haven’t seen anything yet. I’ll be here every single day, touching you, holding you and telling you how wrong you are; until you have no choice but to accept that what happened between me and Reid was just a confused mistake on my part and that the only person I want, the only person I’ve ever wanted, is you.”
Noah listened silently, a bemused expression playing slowly across his face. “Is that it,” he asked, when Luke finally paused for a breath.
“Yes.”
“Okay. By the way, did you just threaten me?”
A devious smile on his face, Luke answered, “You call it a threat, I call it being honest.” A small smile crept at the corner of Noah’s lips as Luke added, “I mean it. You’re not getting away from me Mayer.” And before Noah could respond, he leaned over the counter, grabbed at his shirt and pulled him in roughly for a deep and thorough kiss. By the time he was done, all Noah was capable of was a soft, breathless, “okay.”
(9)
“Luke, we are not having sex in here.”
“Hmm, that’s what your mouth says,” Luke mumbled, “but I think this says something differently.” His hand was on Noah’s crotch, alternating between gentle caresses and heavy stroking. He could feel Noah’s penis, hard and practically straining against his pants.
Breathing heavily, Noah muttered, “Stop…” but the command sounded weak even to his ears. Luke smirked, knowing he was on the brink of winning.
Noah had no idea how he even ended up in this situation. All he remembered was going into the stock-room at Java before closing up for the night and suddenly Luke was there, locking the door and pushing him against a wall. Before he had a second to catch his breath, Luke’s mouth was on his, diving his tongue roughly in and his hand was down Noah’s pants. He couldn’t say he was too surprised. Since their conversation, Luke’s ammo to convince Noah he was wrong about his decision seemed to be to sexually assault him at any and all opportunities.
There was the elevator at Lily’s hotel, Luke’s office at work, Noah’s van and just two days ago, the back alley of Yo’s!. He still couldn’t believe they’d had sex so publicly. It had been so rough that he was pretty sure they were both still spotting some scars on their necks and backs. Thinking about that night was not exactly helping his current situation however. In the second his mind had wandered, Luke had fallen down to his knees, taking Noah’s pants and boxer briefs down with him; his hand and mouth already desperately attacking Noah’s throbbing cock.
Feeling lightheaded, Noah stared down into Luke’s deep and shiny brown eyes, watching as he slowly and suggestively dropped a small amount of spit on the head of Noah’s cock before stroking it up and down with his hand. The spit mixed with the tiny bit of pre-cum already seeping out.
Smiling wickedly, Luke teased the head with tiny flicks of the tip of his tongue. Feeling like he had Noah right where he wanted him, he stared up and whispered, “Do you want me to stop?”
Noah was almost incapable of forming words. Applying more pressure, Luke squeezed a little harder before roughly stroking his hand up and down Noah’s shaft. His mouth was just a breath away, practically on the throbbing head, as he repeated, “do you want me to stop?”
Finding his voice, Noah could only mutter a desperate, “no, I….”
He didn’t have to say anymore. Luke quickly swallowed, hungrily lapping up as much of Noah as he could take. Noah dug his hand into Luke’s hair, roughly pulling at it, until he could feel Luke’s scalp under his fingernails. Luke kept licking and sucking like his life depended on it. Removing the hand he’d been using to stroke the base of Noah’s penis, he sucked in a breath through his nose before quickly replacing the hand with his mouth, going all in and taking all of Noah in his mouth. It took him a few months when they first started giving each other blow-jobs, to master the art of deep-throating but once he did, Luke couldn’t imagine anything better. Taking the cum covered hand he’d had on Noah’s penis, he reached for Noah’s hand in his hair, guiding it to push his head further down. Noah immediately got the hint. He attacked Luke’s mouth, slamming it down onto his cock, as his hips rolled around, roughly shoving upwards.
Noah was attacking Luke’s face with a vengeance and Luke loved every second of it. When things got this intense, it rarely took long for either one to find release and this time was no different. Luke was moaning hungrily around Noah’s penis when he felt the first spurts of warm semen hit the back of his throat. He happily swallowed down as much as he could, never letting up on the pressure until he felt Noah go limp in his mouth. When he finally pulled away, giving one last slow, wet lick of his tongue from base to top, Noah closed his eyes, sounding like he could barely a catch a breath.
“Fuck…” he whispered breathlessly, before staring down at Luke looking up at him, lips swollen red and wet, smugness written all over his face. He hesitated for a second before roughly pulling Luke to his feet and plunging his mouth on his, tasting himself on Luke’s tongue. Before Luke could really get into the kiss, Noah shoved him against the wall, quickly reaching around for his belt.
“I’m going to fuck you so hard against this wall.”
“Do it…” Luke muttered harshly, “fuck me.”
Noah fumbled with Luke’s pants, finally pulling out his cock and wrapping it into his hand, stroking up and down. “Yesss…” Luke moaned. Tilting Luke’s head a little to the left with his free hand, Noah slammed his mouth down on his, as his hand stroked up and down Luke’s cum soaked penis. Luke returned the kiss just as roughly, their tongues wrapping furiously around each other. A few moments later, pulling his mouth away, Noah took his hand off Luke’s cock, bringing it up to Luke’s mouth.
“Suck it…” he demanded intensely, as he placed three fingers at Luke’s mouth. Luke quickly obliged, hungrily taking the three fingers in his mouth, licking and sucking them. Pulling his fingers away slowly, eliciting a tiny whine from Luke, Noah brought them down to Luke’s ass, teasingly running his hand up and down before slowly inserting one. As he did, he placed his other hand on Luke’s almost painfully throbbing cock.
“Oh fuck….” Luke moaned as Noah continued to stroke his cock with one hand and replaced the one finger in his ass with two, then three. He kept up the double assault until both of his hands were practically soaked with Luke’s semen. Reaching quickly for the condoms and lube Luke had pulled out of his pocket when he’d first barged into the room; Noah prepared his already rock hard again cock for entry. He moved slowly, fitting himself perfectly inside Luke’s perfectly round ass. Once he was right where he needed to be, slow became a foreign concept. He dug his hand deeply into Luke’s already messy, disheveled hair and joined Luke in stroking his own cock, while he plunged into him over and over.
“Is this what you want?” Noah grunted.
“Yes…” Luke mumbled, almost incoherent with passion, “yes…don’t stop, don’t ever stop.”
Words were quickly replaced with only guttural moans and animalistic sounds, and eventually the sounds of both finding their release.
******
A short while later, after Noah figured out what to do with the condom and used his t-shirt (figuring he could always just wear his jacket as a shirt) to clean them both up as best he could, they both slowly dropped to the floor, almost too exhausted to move.
Luke broke the silence first, whispering exhaustedly, “that was amazing.” When Noah remained silent, he snuck a peek at his face, before saying, “Noah, what’s wrong?”
“What’s wrong,” Noah chuckled incredulously, “is we can’t keep doing this Luke. Okay, so we’re having amazing sex but how does that solve anything?”
Staring at Noah with a sudden fire in his eyes, Luke yelled, “Maybe there’s nothing to solve Noah. You’re the one convinced that I have some sort of unresolved feelings for Reid but I’m here, showing you that the only person I want, the only person I’ve ever wanted is you. I don’t know what else I can do to convince you that I’m not confused about anything and the only one screwing us up here is you.” With that, Luke rose to his feet, grabbed his jacket and stalked out, leaving a bewildered Noah in his wake.
(10)
He was an orphan. It felt silly to even think it considering Noah had never really known his mother and as he told Luke, had felt like the Colonel was dead to him the moment he’d been carted off to Statesville for a second time. Still, feeling one way about something and having it turn out to be true was a completely different experience.
Noah had been in the room when the Colonel peacefully passed away. He’d started flat lining while Noah was quietly watching him. Instinct had made him quickly rush over to the nurse’s station to let them know what was happening. The doctor and a few nurses came in but eventually all just stood around quietly, not doing anything.
“What’s going on, why aren’t you doing anything to save him?” Noah had asked confused.
Staring a little sadly at him, the doctor said softly, “your father signed a Do Not Resuscitate form Noah. We’re legally unable to do anything.”
“So you’re just going to watch him die?” Noah had tried valiantly to ignore the slight tremble in his voice.
“We have no choice.”
And with those words, the doctor had turned back to the bed and Noah, along with virtually three strangers, quietly watched as his father slowly withered away. It seemed to last for a lifetime but in actuality couldn’t have been more than five minutes. There was a loud, long, drawn out beep and then, just like that, it was over. His father was dead.
The doctor and nurses had asked if Noah needed a few moments alone with his father and his first instinct had been to say no, but he somehow found himself softly saying yes. They all left the room and he was suddenly left alone with his father. Left alone to say goodbye, to grieve…honestly, Noah wasn’t sure what exactly he was supposed to do. He stared silently at his father’s dead body for a long time, trying valiantly to control all the emotions raging in him. He’d finally reached for the Colonel’s already cool hand before whispering, “Goodbye dad.”
And then the tears came. It was so sudden and unexpected that at first Noah looked around the room in a confusion, wondering where the moisture on his face was coming from. He finally realized that those were his own tears and once he did, he couldn’t seem to stop them. He cried silently, dignified, because even in death, he could hear the Colonel’s voice barking at him that, “real men don’t cry…it’s a sign of weakness.”
Noah cried for this man he never really knew, who never really knew him, for the relationship they never had, for all the hateful, painful things he’d done to others and most of all, he cried because for as much as he hated him, Noah knew deep down in his heart that he’d loved him too.
******
And so now, he sat alone in a funeral home, the only one attending the funeral service (if you could even call it that) of his father, pondering over the fact that he was now officially an orphan. He’d wanted desperately to call Luke. They’d seen each other a few days after the incident at Java and while Luke maintained that he didn’t understand why Noah was holding back, he accepted that maybe he’d overreacted that day. They’d spent most of the day talking about a lot of things and had actually ended up having an amazing time together.
Then he’d left to see the Colonel and now he was dead. He’d wanted so badly to call Luke, to have him come and hold him in his arms and tell him everything was going to be okay but a part of Noah felt like it was unfair to do so. He didn’t think he had the right to ask Luke to come and help him pay final respects to a man who had hated him enough to try to kill him. He decided that while he was hurting, he was fine and once he’d done his final duties as a son and laid the Colonel to rest, he could move on.
Unfortunately, things didn’t always turn out as planned. Alison had found out about his father when she accidentally heard a message left for him by the funeral director. He’d sworn immediately that he was fine and that he didn’t want to talk about it. Alison had respected his wishes but not before pulling him into a tight hug and telling him how sorry she was. However, a part of Noah knew she wouldn’t leave it at that. Because of this, he wasn’t really surprised when he heard the familiar voice say softly behind him, “hi…” Turning around, he stared him deeply in the eyes, his gratitude almost overwhelming him before replying softly, “hi Luke.”
(11)
“I would ask how you knew where to find me but I’m guessing Alison called you.”
Moving forward to join Noah on the pew, Luke gave a small nod before saying, “she thought you needed me even if you wouldn’t admit it.”
Suddenly too weak to fight his feelings, Noah stared tiredly at Luke before saying honestly, “she was right.”
“I’m here,” Luke stated, before taking Noah’s hand in his and giving it a gentle squeeze.
And they remained that way all through the brief service (Noah suspected the funeral director had some vague knowledge about his father which made it highly unlikely that he’d give a long speech on how much of a loss his death was), to the gravesite where Noah had actually purchased a headstone for his father and finally back to Noah’s place where Luke decided he could probably use a drink.
Noah had decided against anything too heavy, instead opting for a simple beer. They were sitting quietly, both lost in their own thoughts, when Luke suddenly broke the silence. “Are you okay,” he asked, stroking a hand tenderly down Noah’s cheek. Noah thought about the question for a moment before finally saying, “I think so.”
“Good…” Luke replied, “Because I have to break up with you.”
He’d said it so casually that it took a few seconds for Noah to even be certain that he’d heard correctly. It was a good thing he hadn’t been taking a sip of his drink because the immediate flip in his stomach in response to Luke’s comment, surely would have caused him to spit it out.
“What?”
Looking completely devastated, like it was taking every ounce of courage to say what he was about to, Luke stated, “I don’t know if breaking up is even the right expression considering we’re not even really together right now.” Fighting the emotions threatening to spill out he took a heavy breath before continuing, “You said that I needed to figure out what it was I really wanted and I have. This is not about Reid, it never was. It’s about you and me and who we are and the mistakes that we make. It’s been three years Noah, and I still feel like I have to fight and crawl my way to you whenever something horrible happens in your life. I still feel you shut me out whenever you’re hurting and I just don’t have it in me anymore to keep fighting you to get to you.
He’d tried valiantly to fight the tears but by the end of his speech, they were coming of their own accord. “I love you so much…that’ll probably never change but I don’t think we’re right for each other anymore.”
He should say something. Every nerve in Noah’s body was screaming at him to say something, anything to convince Luke that he was wrong; that yes, they were not perfect but they were perfect together and most importantly, that he needed him…god he needed him so badly. But somehow, the words never came and instead he just sat numbly, stoically staring back at Luke. Eventually he muttered, “I’m sorry, I…”
“It’s okay I know,” Luke smiled tenderly through his tears before moving forward to place a soft, yet passionate kiss on Noah’s lips.
“Goodbye Noah,” he whispered, before reaching for his jacket on the back of the couch and heading for the door. As he got there, he hesitated for a moment, his hand on the door knob, before finally opening it and walking out the door without a backward glance.
Noah remained motionless on the couch, the minutes slowly ticking by. Eventually, he got up slowly to lock the front door and then put away his half empty bottle of beer. He went through the motions of taking off his suit, getting undressed and heading into the shower. The tears didn’t come until the hot water was beating down on his body and what started as silent tears soon became loud, heart wrenching sobs.
(12)
A day turned into a week and one week turned into two weeks, then to a month and before Noah knew it, it had been two months. Two months since he and Luke had officially broken up. It wasn’t the first time they’d broken up or taken a break or pushed the other away, but something about this time felt more final, more real. The first few days had been some of the hardest of Noah’s life. There had been so many times that his fingers had practically itched to pick up his cell phone and call Luke; other the times when it took everything in him to not run over to Lily’s and beg Luke to reconsider. He’d done neither.
Because the truth was, a part of him wondered if Luke may not have been right about them not being right for each other anymore. More than that, Noah wondered, not for the first time, if something was just emotionally broken in him. Specifically, if there was something in him, some deep seated reason why he kept pushing away the one person who mattered more to him than life itself.
He wasn’t completely clueless. He knew a part of it had to do with his childhood and his relationship with his father, not to mention the fact the he’d never known his mother. However, he also realized that at some point he couldn’t keep using his past as an excuse. That ultimately, it wasn’t fair to Luke. So as badly as he missed him, as much as he wanted so much to hold Luke in his arms and never let go, feel his soft lips on his and feel himself buried inside him right to his core; a deeper part of Noah felt like he had no right to want these things anymore. That it was not fair to force Luke to continue to deal with his issues…and so he’d simply stayed away.
He’d said as much to Lily when she’d come by his apartment to see how he was doing. Noah couldn’t hide his immense gratitude that despite everything, she still cared. Cared enough to check up on his health, make sure he was taking care of himself and ask him how he was handling the break-up. He had stared up at Lily, heartbreak and pain written all over his face as he said softly, “I miss him so much.”
Lily had simply smiled, saying softly, “I know.”
There were the inevitable awkward run-ins. In a town this small, it was unavoidable. The first time had been incredibly painful on both their parts, neither knowing exactly what to say, eventually settling on polite pleasantries like how the other was doing and how were things going. It hadn’t escaped Noah’s notice how much pain Luke was in. While he remained resolute in his decision, it was obvious that the break-up had taken its toll on him. His eyes had been slightly swollen; his face withdrawn and it looked like he’d lost a few pounds. Noah might have been surprised and concerned if he hadn’t looked the same. He’d gotten so pale and withdrawn in the first few weeks after the break-up that Alison eventually expressed concern about his health. He’d assured her that he was fine, having had one of his most recent checkups with his new doctor, referred to him by Dr. Oliver.
Noah thought back to that first and last conversation he’d had with Dr. Oliver after finding out about him and Luke. It had taken everything in him not to punch the obnoxious sneer off the guy’s face but ultimately, he’d just calmly and coldly made it clear that he wanted nothing to do with him. Not sounding the least bit apologetic, Reid had simply stated that he’d be damned if Noah ruined his good name by dying after all the work he’d done to get him his sight back. So with that said, he’d referred him to one of the doctors who’d been part of his surgical team. And that had been it. They’d seen each other a few times around the hospital but both simply ignored the other’s presence. Every time he saw him however, Noah wondered if Reid knew about his breakup with Luke and more importantly, how quickly he’d take advantage of the opportunity to have Luke for himself.
(13)
Luke sighed loudly and irritably, dropping the book he’d been reading onto the couch. He didn’t want to be here. He wanted to be at work, burying himself in press releases, newsletters, and budget outlines; basically anything that allowed him to not have to think about the fact that he’d lost the love of his life. Unfortunately, a person was no longer allowed to wallow in self-pity in peace. Both his mother and grandmother Lucinda had cornered him at work, demanding he go home, even threatening to have security drag him out of the building (that one was Lucinda’s doing).
“Honey, you can’t bury yourself in work as a way to not deal with this,” his mother had said. Neither of them could understand that it was the only way to deal with this break-up because sitting at home, thinking about it just left him gutted every time, left him questioning his decision, questioning his feelings, Noah’s feelings and basically making himself insane. It may not have been healthy but since he couldn’t drink, work was the only substitute he had for numbing away the hurt and pain. Not in the mood to go down the road of rehashing all his confusing feelings for the hundredth time, Luke abruptly stood up, muttering, “I have to get out here,” before picking up his jacket and heading out.
He had no particular destination in mind and somehow ended up at a small park, less than a block away from Oakdale Memorial. He’d been walking mindlessly for only a few minutes, taking in the children running around chasing dogs and each other, people jogging or reading; when he literally bumped right into Reid.
Hi,” Luke said, a little breathless from his shock.
“Hi,” Reid said warmly, before adding, “what are you doing here?”
“Just walking around, thinking,” Luke shrugged. There was an awkward pause, like there was something Reid wanted to say in response to Luke’s comment but was uncertain if he should. When he finally spoke, Luke understood his hesitation.
Softly, eyeing him a little cautiously, Reid said, “I heard about you and Noah…”
“Of course you did,” Luke scoffed.
“How are you doing?”
Looking Reid squarely in the eyes, a small frown on his face like he was trying to solve some mystery, Luke finally stated, “Do you really care?”
“Yes, I do,” Reid replied with no hesitation.
“Okay,” Luke began, “well truthfully, it hurts like hell and it sucks but I believe it’s for the best.”
There it was again, that awkward, nervous pause. Finally, seeming to decide to hell with it, Reid said, “You know, I hate playing games and being coy. I find it tedious and annoyingly time consuming so I’m just going to be honest. I hate that you’re hurting but I’m not sorry you and Noah broke up. The truth is, I like you Luke…I like you a lot. I wish, especially in the last few months that I didn’t want you as much as I do but I can’t help it. And I’m probably being an idiot by doing this since every bit of logic and reason tells me that you’re probably not ready, but I’m going to take my chances anyway and ask you if you would like to go out with me.”
Luke was stunned. Reid had made his entire declaration in his usual calm, measured and frankly, slightly dismissive tone; so much so, that the last thing Luke saw coming was a date request. Speechless, he silently stared at Reid before finally saying the only thing that came to his mind, “what?”
“Will you go out with me?” Reid asked, enunciating the words like he was communicating with a confused child.
So he hadn’t misheard him. Luke continued to stare blankly back at Reid, his brain firing on all cylinders. Before he could formulate some kind of response, the awkward silence was broken by Reid’s pager going off. Shooting a quick glance at it, Reid brought his gaze back up to Luke’s still stunned face, saying softly, “I have to get back to the hospital. Think about it and let me know.”
And just like that, he was gone. Luke remained rooted to his spot for a few more seconds before giving his head a tiny shake in an attempt to rid it of all its confusing thoughts. He turned and headed back home, thinking about Reid’s offer the whole time. His first thought was, “I can’t go out with Reid…I just can’t”. However that thought was quickly replaced with, “why not, you and Noah are over and you’re attracted to him as much as you hate to admit it.” Luke battled with his thoughts, going back and forth until finally, a small but determined voice in his head said, “it’s just a date, what are you so afraid of?”
And with that, almost three hours after Reid had left him looking dumbfounded in the park, he picked up his cell-phone and nervously dialed Reid’s number. He answered on the second ring.
“Hi.”
“Hi.” And before he could lose his courage, Luke immediately added, “I’d love to go out with you.”
Part Four