Part Four
Title: Finding Our Way Back
Author: sunalsosets
Rating: PG-13
Word Count: 4,765
(14)
He was having fun.
Despite his initial trepidation, Luke had to admit that he was having a really good time. Especially considering that things hadn’t exactly started off on a positive note. The first thing to go wrong was an unexpected emergency at the hospital kept Reid in surgery a lot longer than he’d planned, which meant they’d lost the dinner reservations he’d made. Luke had been pretty nonchalant about the whole thing and when Reid asked if he just wanted to postpone to another night, he’d actually been the one to suggest that they just find something else to do. Reid had left the choice up to him and he’d settled on a movie at one of the older cinemas in town, which still showed mostly classics.
The second awkward moment of the night came as they were leaving the cinema and Reid had mistakenly referred to the film they’d just seen as being a Film Noir. Luke had playfully corrected him, identifying the movie as more of an Art Film and without even thinking about it, launched into a detail description of why the two were different. Reid had given him a bemused sideways glance before saying, “how did you become such a movie expert?”
As soon as the words were out of his mouth, they’d both gotten uncomfortably silent. As tension filled the air, Luke sighed softly and said,“ So should we just address the elephant in the room now or wait for the end of the night?”
Staring at Luke impassively, Reid had left the decision up to him by saying, “That’s up to you.”
They’d been strolling along the street side by side. At that point, Luke stopped and turned to give Reid his complete attention. He’d taken a slow, drawn out breath before saying, “okay look, the truth is Reid, Noah was my world. He was my first boyfriend, my first everything and that doesn’t just go away even when the relationship is over. And there are so many memories, moments, things we shared that I’m likely to blurt out something he said to me once or I said to him or we shared, without even thinking about it. But I’ll understand if that’s too weird for you and you just want to end this now.”
Reid had dug his hands deeply in his pockets before saying half-jokingly, “I’d be lying if I said that part of me didn’t wish that you’d just fall immediately and madly head over heels for me.” Luke couldn’t help smiling a little at his honesty. “However,” Reid added, “even I’m not arrogant enough to expect you to be completely over the only guy you’ve ever loved, in two months.”
“Thank you.”
“The only thing I really care about right now is whether or not you’ve been thinking about Noah the entire time you’ve been here with me.”
Luke had silently pondered the question for a few seconds, before staring Reid dead in the eyes and saying honestly, “no.”
“Okay, then we should probably get going.”
And that had been it. A few minutes later they’d ended up at a karaoke bar and grill Luke knew about, which stayed open really late on Friday nights. Luke had been unable to help the laugh bubbling inside him at how uncomfortably awkward Reid looked the second they walked in. Luke couldn’t say he was surprised by that considering the bar was loud, rowdy and most importantly, filled with people laughing and enjoying each other. He figured an antisocial, borderline misanthrope like Reid wouldn’t exactly jump with joy at the sight. Trying to hide his smile, he’d stared at Reid’s face, a bit of horror written all over it and asked him if he wanted to go somewhere else. However, Reid had stubbornly set his face and in a determined voice said, “No I’m good.”
Surprisingly the night had turned out great...really great. There were hardly any moments of awkwardness between them and the conversation flowed easily. Luke was aware enough to notice how vague and distant Reid was when the conversation switched to his background and more importantly his parents but he didn’t pry. Thinking about his own family background, Luke decided that everyone had their secrets that they were entitled to keep for themselves. In fact, the main thing that Luke discovered about Reid Oliver is that the only thing that seemed to truly get him excited, that made him smile a genuinely happy and open smile was his work. His eyes lit up in a way that Luke had never seen whenever he talked about it. It actually reminded Luke a tiny bit of Noah, when he was talking about some of his favorite films or a movie project he was working on.
It was pretty obvious for Luke to recognize that look for what it was…a genuine love and passion for what they were doing. And in that moment he envied Reid - envied him and Noah both, because Luke realized he hadn’t had that look in his eyes and that fire in him for a long time. He enjoyed his work at the Foundation and he was proud of the all things they had accomplished there but he’d be lying if he said he felt a burning in his soul and got an indescribable joy from it.
The rest of the night went by fairly quickly and finally, Luke was standing at his front door, facing away from Reid. He stuck the key in the key hole and before turning it, looked back up at Reid.
“I had a really good time,” he said softly.
“So did I,” Reid returned. And with that came the awkward “are we going to kiss, will it be awkward or will it be amazing and maybe I should just stop thinking” moment of the night. Reid stared intensely and a little nervously at Luke, his light brown eyes shining brightly, practically piercing Luke’s. Luke stared back both excited and a little wary. He felt a slight nervous tingle in his stomach and as he softly swept his tongue over his upper lip, Reid tilted forward and made his move. Their lips connected at the same time. There was a hesitation, an uncertainty in the first few seconds, almost as if Reid was feeling his way around, trying to gauge Luke’s response and decide if he should deepen the kiss or not.
Luke made the decision for him by not so subtly slipping the tip of his tongue in Reid’s mouth. It was all the signal he needed. The kiss quickly escalated at that point, both their tongues feeling around each other’s mouths, exploring, tasting and teasing. Reid slowly snaked his hand up Luke’s neck, reaching into the strands of hair nestled there, grabbing a fistful of it. Luke responded by wrapping his arms tightly around Reid’s waist, stroking his hand slowly up his back. Eventually, after what felt like a lifetime, they slowly came up for air, both a little speechless.
“Wow,” Reid said a little hoarsely, breaking the silence.
“Yeah,” Luke smiled. “I should get inside,” he added, giving Reid a small kiss on the cheek before turning the key and heading inside.
“Good night, Luke.”
“Good night, Reid.” Luke answered quietly before gently closing the door.
He laid the back of his head against the door, listening to Reid’s footsteps slowly fade away. The kiss had been good…really, really good. Unfortunately that’s all it had felt like to Luke, a really good kiss. There were no weak knees, his heart wasn’t racing so bad that he thought it would jump out of his chest, he didn’t want to lick his lips over and over to hold on to the taste of Reid. Kissing Reid was great but unfortunately, and Luke banged his head frustratingly against the door at the thought, he wasn’t Noah.
(15)
Despite the lack of intense passion in him for Reid, Luke kept dating him. He reasoned that it was okay if he didn’t feel the same towards Reid that he did for Noah because one, they were completely different people, two, he knew without question that he wasn’t in love with Reid and most importantly, he was still in love with Noah.
Luke didn’t try to deny his feelings or force it away because it was not like he’d broken up with Noah because he didn’t love him anymore. He’d broken up with him because he’d felt they were no longer right for each other. He reasoned that it would naturally take time for him to open his heart up again to anyone. In the meantime, while he may not have been in love with Reid, he liked him and he liked spending time with him, even when Reid couldn’t help being his obnoxiously rude self.
Of course dating Reid on a regular basis meant it was only a matter of time before most people knew, which meant Noah finding out and the last thing Luke wanted, was Noah finding out about him and Reid from someone else. So three weeks after his first date with Reid and their fifth, he called Noah and asked to meet him at the corner of Old Town.
He arrived a few minutes after Noah which provided him the luxury of just watching him. They hadn’t seen each other in weeks; and the sudden swell of emotion that washed over Luke at the sight of Noah casually leaning back on the bench, clutching his coffee cup, almost made him double over. He still loved him. Despite everything that had happened - he loved him with everything inside him. However, as much as it hurt to be apart, being together in the last year had hurt just as much. They needed to move on, for both their sakes.
“Hey,” Luke said softly. He could tell he’d startled Noah who was apparently deep in thought about something.
“Hey.” Noah smiled. Then reaching across his back, he brought a coffee cup forward, handing it to Luke. “I thought you’d like a cup of coffee.”
“Thanks,” Luke smiled, reaching for the cup. As their hands connected, their fingers gently brushed against each other’s; so gentle in fact that it felt little more than a whisper but it was enough to affect them both. Pulling their hands away awkwardly, Luke nervously took a sip from his drink before sitting across from Noah.
“So what’s up,” Noah asked, “what did you want to talk to me about?”
Suddenly feeling like this was a lot harder than he’d anticipated; Luke glanced down at his feet, studiously avoiding Noah’s eyes before blurting out, “I’m seeing Reid.” Before Noah could even process the news, much less react, he nervously added, “I mean we’ve gone out a couple of times, like on dates and stuff.” And with that he got silent, waiting anxiously for Noah’s reaction.
It didn’t come. Noah sat silently, staring straight ahead, practically ignoring Luke completely. The only evidence of his reacting in some way to Luke’s comment was the sudden and obvious stiffness that developed in his shoulder. He was so rigid that it looked like he might crack in two. The silence stretched and stretched until it became almost painful.
“Noah,” Luke whispered, when he could no longer stand a second more of the awkward tension. “Please say something?”
With his face still rigidly turned away from Luke’s, Noah finally spoke. “Like what,” he sighed.
“I don’t know…anything.”
“Okay,” Noah said, “why are you telling me this?”
“I’m telling you because I didn’t want you to have to find out from anyone else or worse, find out by running into us on a date or something.”
Noah simply nodded his head slowly in acknowledgement of Luke’s answer. Another tension filled silence stretched between them until finally, finally, Noah slowly turned his head to meet Luke’s eyes. It almost destroyed Luke. There was such an intense and overwhelming sadness reflected in those eyes. Not trying to mask his hurt and fear over Luke’s possible answer, Noah asked softly, “Are you in love with him?”
The denial was out of Luke’s mouth before Noah even really finished the question. “No, of course not.”
“But you like him.”
It wasn’t a question but rather a statement of fact.
“Yes, I do.”
Another silence and then, Noah quietly drained the last dregs of his coffee before throwing the cup away and slowly standing up. With his hands buried in his pockets, he quietly stated, “Thanks for telling me.” And without another word, turned and left.
(16)
Noah made it all the way back to his apartment before he allowed himself to fully react to the news about Luke and Reid. He walked casually into the living room, shedding his coat on the counter top before heading to his room. He was reaching through the pile of clean laundry sitting on his bed, which needed to be folded, when his hand landed on a t-shirt he knew was actually Luke’s - just one of the positives and negatives from dating someone of the same sex and almost the same build.
Noah stared long and hard at the shirt in his hand, bringing it up slowly to his nostrils, deeply inhaling its scent. He knew it was unlikely that it would smell like Luke since he’d probably accidentally had the shirt as his own for so long, not to mention washed it multiple times. However, call it the power of persuasion, but he was positive he could smell a bit of Luke still on the shirt. It was faint, so subtle to be almost nonexistent, but Noah was positive it was there. And as he inhaled that scent, he felt his heartbeat quicken, his pulse racing, all the blood feeling like it was rushing out of his head. He wanted to scream, hit something or both. He settled on both.
Noah was not usually the dramatic type. Yelling, screaming and crying were more up Luke’s alley. Hell it was part of the reason they weren’t together….Luke the emotionally raw one couldn’t handle him, the emotionally dead one anymore. However, he was hardly emotionally dead at the moment. Noah had no idea how long he was throwing clothes - and anything else he could get his hand on - across the room, until Alison suddenly flew his door open staring at him with a mixture of shock and horror.
******
“So umm, what was that about?”
Noah had calmed down enough to settle on his bed, Alison joining him by sitting at the foot. Lying back, he tried to shut everything away by throwing his hands over his face and mumbling, “Don’t want to talk about it.”
“Well tough,” Alison smiled. “But when I come home and my usually sane and calm room-mate is trashing his room and screaming like a maniac, I demand to know why.”
Noah said nothing, probably hoping if he ignored her long enough she’d give up and leave him alone. It didn’t work. Instead, Alison casually pulled her knees up to her chin, wrapping her arms around them, looking like someone who had nothing but time.
Sighing loudly and obviously irritated, Noah finally said, “Luke is dating Reid.”
“Yeah, I know.”
That certainly got his attention. Dropping his hands away from his face, Noah stared almost accusingly down at Alison before saying, “Really?”
Not looking particularly bothered by his reaction, Alison said casually, “yeah I saw them at the hospital once. I guess Luke was meeting him and then I saw them out together in Old Town and it was kind of obvious they were on a date.” Softly, sounding sympathetic, she added, “how did you find out?”
“Luke told me. He said he didn’t want me finding out from someone else.”
“That was nice of him.”
Noah said nothing.
“So I’m guessing by the little tantrum that you’re not okay with this?”
Still he remained silent.
“Okay look Noah,” Alison continued, sounding like she wanted to tread very carefully with whatever she was thinking. “If you still want Luke, then fight for him. Because he may not be in love with Reid now but the longer you sit idly by and do nothing and bottle up your feelings, the more time he’s spending with Reid, getting closer to him. You need to ask yourself if you can handle living in this town and seeing Luke happy and in love with someone else. And frankly, judging by this reaction, I’m guessing not.”
Noah kept his hands over his face throughout her speech making Alison wonder if he’d even heard a word she’d said. Feeling like she’d done everything she could, she got off the bed and walked to the door. She was just about to pull the handle when Noah said softly behind her, “I can’t fight for someone who doesn’t want me anymore.” And the way he’d said it, so certain, so final, let Alison know that he was done discussing the situation. Saying nothing, she quietly pulled the door and stepped out.
(17)
The next week felt like the longest one of Noah’s life. Of course that probably had to do with the fact that he spent it paranoid over the thought of running into Luke and Reid together at every corner. He could accept that their relationship was over - or at least tried to - but Noah knew with every single part of him that he was not ready to see Luke with someone else. Apparently the universe was willing to be kind to him, since he was able to avoid any awkward run-ins. Of course he wasn’t able to avoid Luke’s phone-calls. Despite his hurt over the entire situation, Noah couldn’t help being amused by the irony of it all.
Only Luke would think it made sense to try and help his ex-boyfriend deal with the fact that he was now dating someone else. He’d intended to just ignore the phone-calls but couldn’t because he knew this was Luke just being Luke, wanting to make it better for him even when he couldn’t. So he’d sent him a simple text message, letting him know he was fine but that he wasn’t ready to talk to him about the situation. Luke had accepted that, sending him a simple “okay”.
Meanwhile, deciding that he needed something to occupy his time, Noah turned his attention to Graduate School. He’d put it on the backburner when he thought he’d likely never get to see again but with his future now looking significantly different, he figured there was no time like the present. He was going through a barrage of information concerning a number of different schools - while he was technically supposed to be working - when Lily found him.
“Hi,” she said lovingly, walking up to his table.
“Hi,” Noah smiled, looking up from his laptop. He quickly stood to embrace her in a warm hug.
“Would you like some coffee?”
“Yes, I would,” Lily smiled, “but I didn’t just come over here so you can make me coffee.”
Laughing, Noah said, “yeah I figured but I don’t mind.” He walked back to the counter, while she followed slowly behind him. Settling on one of the stools, Lily quietly watched him move around for a moment, before saying, “I haven’t seen you in a little bit. I wanted to see how you were doing.”
“I’m okay,” Noah said over his shoulder, putting the finishing touches on Lily’s drink. He’d spent enough time around her, practically lived with her, to know how she regularly took her coffee. Done, he placed the coffee cup down gently before her and said, “I’m guessing this isn’t just a random check-up?”
“No it’s not,” Lily admitted, before handing him a ten dollar bill. Taking a small sip of her drink, she stared intently at him before saying softly, “Luke told me that he told you he’s dating Reid. How are you doing?”
“Fine, I guess,” Noah shrugged. “We broke up, it’s not like I have any claims on Luke.”
"True, but broken up or not doesn’t change how you feel about him.”
He wanted to just ignore it. Say all the “right” things like “he loved Luke but they were over and he wanted him to be happy and if Reid made him happy that was okay” but he couldn’t do it. For one of the rare times in his life, Noah allowed himself to be honest and raw about his feelings. Leaning against the counter-top, he avoided Lily’s eyes, staring intently at the floor, as he said, “I hate it. I hate that he’s with someone else and I know this may make me sound horrible but I especially hate that it’s with Reid. I hate that he’s dating the guy who he was getting it on with while I was still blind and I know that things between us were bad and I pushed him away but I can’t help it, it’s just how I feel. I hate knowing that someone else gets to hold him and kiss him and make him smile and…” He was suddenly all out of words.
A little embarrassed, he turned away from Lily completely, awkwardly distracting himself with cleaning some of the utensils. Lily observed him for a little while, giving him time to come to grips with everything he’d said and lessen his discomfort.
“Noah,” she said calmly, not really expecting him to turn to face her and was surprised when he did, “you need to say all that to Luke.”
“I can’t.”
“Why not?”
“Because, it’s not fair to him.” Running a frustrated hand through his hair, Noah added, “Luke doesn’t think we’re right for each other anymore and considering we keep making the same mistakes over and over, maybe he’s right. It’s not fair for me to put him in this position where he’s forced to have to deal with my feelings and consider taking me back. Not when the things that’s wrong about us, about me, is still there.”
“Then fix what’s wrong, Noah.”
“You make it sound so simple,” Noah sighed.
“It’s not,” Lily said, “but ask yourself this, is it harder than the reality of losing Luke forever?”
(18)
Noah pondered Lily’s words for the rest of the day. It weighed on his mind throughout the remainder of her visit, after she kissed him on the cheek and told him to take care of himself, all through to the end of his shift and even as he got ready to head home. He turned the words over and over in his head - breaking them down, analyzing and finally processing every single word. By the time he’d made the drive home, Noah felt like he had his answer. He knew what he had to do. It was simply a matter of convincing Luke.
Bolting out of his car, feeling happier and more hopeful than he had in weeks, he ran to the door. He was eager to get inside, have a quick shower and go find Luke. As he walked in, he found Alison curled up on the couch with a bowl of ice-cream, catching up on all the shows she’d missed for the week.
“Hey,” she called out.
“Hey yourself,” Noah smiled, impulsively stopping to place a quick kiss on the top of her head.
Looking amused and a little surprised, Alison stared up at him. “You’re in a good mood.”
“I am,” Noah said excitedly, “because I think I might have figured out a way for me and Luke to work things out.”
“Really, that’s great Noah!”
“Yeah,” Noah sighed. “Now I just have to go convince him.”
“You will,” Alison said supportively.
“Thanks,” Noah said, before turning towards his room. “I need to go take a shower,” he added.
As he walked away, Alison yelled out, “You had some mail today. I put it on the kitchen counter.”
Noah yelled back a quick “thanks” before picking up the small stack and continuing towards his room. He browsed through the first two, dismissing them both as unimportant. He was just about to throw the entire stack on the bed so he could remove his shirt, figuring he could go through it later, when the address and logo on one of the envelopes caught his attention. The deep red USC logo was unmistakable and nervously, Noah read the title beneath; USC School of Cinematic Arts.
Noah sunk slowly onto the edge of his bed. He’d actually forgotten about his application for USC and more importantly, how nervous he’d been about it, because he’d wanted to get in so badly. As he sat silently, turning the letter over and over in his hand, Noah’s mind wandered back to that day almost a year ago. It was three weeks before the accident, three weeks before his life as he knew it changed completely. He remembered Luke lovingly placing his hands on both sides of his face and telling him to relax, that any school would be lucky to have him. Then he’d gone up on that roof and suddenly his life didn’t make sense again and Graduate School became a thing of the past, something that would likely never be possible.
Taking a deep and heavy breath, he opened the letter, slowly pulling out the four pages stapled together. His eyes quickly scanned the first two paragraphs and then he casually placed the letter aside. Noah sat stiffly, staring ahead at the wall, the wallpaper, everything and nothing at the same time. He was trying to process his feelings - shock, excitement, nervousness, joy - they were all coursing through his body.
He got in. Despite all of the bad, the obstacles, the setbacks; he’d done it. The first few lines of the letter played through his head.
“Dear Mr. Mayer,
We’re pleased to inform you that you have been accepted to USC School of Cinematic Arts Graduate Program to pursue a Master of Fine Arts Degree in Film & Television Production.”
It was real. He’d really done it. A face splitting grin slowly spread across Noah’s face. He’d accomplished one of his goals all on his own, through his hard work, perseverance and determination. As quickly as it came though, the grin slowly disappeared.
He got accepted to USC…in Southern California. The true impact of what that meant suddenly hit him.
And that’s how Alison found him a few moments later, when she came to let him know she was ordering Mexican food for dinner and wanted to know if he wanted any. She saw the faraway look on his face; saw the letter sitting next to him and automatically assumed he’d gotten some bad news.
“No, nothing like that,” Noah quickly corrected her. “It’s actually good news…really, really good news.” With that, he handed her the letter.
She quickly scanned the contents.
“Wow, congratulations Noah.”
“Thanks,” he said quietly.
Laying the letter back on the bed, Alison sat down next to him. “So I’m confused, if this is good news, why do you look like someone whose dog just died?”
“Because getting this letter just made me realize that Luke and I are really over.”
“I don’t understand.”
Sighing, Noah said, “I came home today, convinced of this plan that could get Luke and I back on track and then suddenly I got this letter, an acceptance to a school I applied to so long ago that I had actually forgotten about it. With everything that happened, I almost felt like that dream of going to a school as amazing as USC was over but then suddenly, today, of all days, that changes. And I just feel like maybe it’s a sign you know, a sign that maybe it’s time to move on.”
Reaching for Noah’s hand, Alison said, “I still don’t understand why it has to be one or the other. You guys can be together while you go to school or you can ask him to come with you.”
“I can’t do that,” Noah said, shaking his head. “I can’t ask Luke to drop everything else in his life to chase me all the way across the country when our relationship is still mostly in shambles. That’s not fair. And it’s not like our problems will vanish just because we’re in another state. It’ll probably be worse.” Softly, sounding incredibly heartbroken, but determined, Noah said, “no, Luke said that he didn’t think we were right for each other and this is just one more proof of that. We - I really, need to let go and move on.”
Part Five