super junior: pass me a smile
pass me a smile
Super Junior (and M)
Zhou Mi centric, PG-13 (language)
Summary: Moments of Zhou Mi's life as a member of Super Junior M. Deals with only13, etc.
pass me a smile
“You're going to be part of the new subgroup.”
Zhou Mi's stomach drops.
The manager beams at him. “I really look forward to working with you! The date of the debut hasn't been set, but you're definitely in, you and Henry. We're going to China! Practice hard, okay? I'll have more information for you later. Congratulations!” He claps Zhou Mi on the shoulder and leaves.
Zhou Mi sits down heavily, stunned. When Super Junior's second manager pulled him into a side room, this wasn't what he had expected to hear. What was the manager's name again? The one with the receding hairline. Zhou Mi can't remember. It wasn't important, anyway. Zhou Mi's head is swimming, unable to quickly process the information he's just been given.
Debut. Super Junior. China. Han Geng. Zhou Mi closes his eyes, heart suddenly pounding. Debut, it was the word that every trainee waited for. Excitement had already begun to bubble and the anticipation was making his stomach clench. And yet.
He'd seen Henry's expression after the Don't Don performances. Closed off. Eyes cast down, gritted teeth. He'd seen the way Sungmin slipped his arm around Henry's shoulders, murmuring comforting words, seen the way Henry had slumped against the walls of the practice room afterwards, his eyes red. And Henry was just a kid. A cute kid with a sweet voice and killer moves and a talented hand for the violin. Henry was adorable. Henry was lovable.
God, if they wouldn't even take Henry, how would they take him?
What were you expecting? He was too old. Too old to be part of a group of fresh faced fifteen year olds. He was too tall. He was just starting to get the hang of dancing. He could be witty and entertaining, but his grasp of Korean just wasn't good enough yet. What else could there be for him, but this?
SM Entertainment. It was supposed to open doors for him. Take him further than he could go by himself, give him a leg up and a brighter spotlight than he would ever find in those competitions. By himself, he could have been big. But here, he would have been seen by the world.
He'd suspected his future with SME would have something to do with Super Junior, but he'd been thinking more along the lines of Zhang Liyin, maybe a duet. Maybe he'd write a song for them or be in their music video and it'd be huge, and everyone would know his name before he even stepped on stage. Or he'd do something for when they expanded into the Chinese market, because it was the logical next step. Something. But a subgroup? Zhou Mi was close with a few of the members and fairly good friends with the rest, and he would have liked to perform with them. One day. Far into the future. At an SM Town concert, where everyone was together anyway.
With Super Junior, he'd have an even bigger stage. The path had already been laid by Han Geng. He was lucky, Zhou Mi told himself. Lucky, damn lucky to be in a group with Han Geng, to be part of Super Junior. Or one of their subgroups, anyway. He should be grateful. They wouldn't hate me, Zhou Mi thought desperately. They couldn't. Han Geng was China's darling, a star who dared to shine in Korea despite everything. China would support him, support his group. Support Zhou Mi. Probably. Maybe? It wasn't like he was a stranger to China's stage. He had skill, he had talent. They wouldn't...
This is it, Zhou Mi thinks, this is what you've waited for. This is your dream. But Henry's face won't leave his head, and Zhou Mi closes his eyes and wonders, not for the first time, if he had done the right thing in leaving China.
***
“Jomiryo!” Heechul pushes his way through the hallway and slings an arm around Zhou Mi's shoulders. Zhou Mi leans down a little to accommodate him as Heechul pulls him towards the exit. “Kyungie just told me you're going to be in the China group with him and Siwon, you lucky bastard. Let's go get drunk to celebrate.” Heechul turns his face to him, eyes shining. “You'll perform with us when we get our own concerts, our own tour! It'll be fucking awesome.”
So. Heechul wasn't going to be in the new group. Zhou Mi feels a twinge of guilt. Super Junior is Heechul's group, not Zhou Mi's. He knows Heechul would never think this of him, but he feels a little like he's taking something that belongs to Heechul.
“Hankyung's really excited, you should see him, he won't sit still. Him and Siwon keep chattering away in Chinese though, it's driving me crazy. Do me a favour, teach Siwon some swear words behind Hankyung's back, and don't tell him what they mean, 'kay? Hey, hey. What's with your face? Are you nervous? Don't be nervous, haven't you performed like a million times in China already by yourself?”
Heechul continues to chatter away, and all Zhou Mi can think is that Heechul would give a hell of a lot to be in this group, to go to China with Han Geng and Siwon and Donghae, maybe even him. Heechul, who nags at Han Geng to teach him how to swear in Mandarin. Heechul, whose favourite dongsaengs are now studying, learning how to curve their lips and roll their tongues around new sounds. Heechul should be in the new subgroup, not Zhou Mi.
But Heechul pushes Zhou Mi out the door and says something about getting Ryeowook drunk, because Zhou Mi should really see that before they go to another country together, and it's the pride and utter confidence in Heechul's voice when he says “Make sure you top the charts, alright? Set it up so it's perfect for when I come to take over China.” that makes Zhou Mi think that maybe, maybe he can do this.
***
Zhou Mi can't say he's surprised when he first stands on stage and is met with chants and boards reading '13' in bold, unmissable colours. Sure, he was an optimist, but to think that he and Henry would be welcomed with open arms was just naïve.
He ignores it all, just like the managers have told him to. He stares straight ahead at a spot on the back wall, hands placed harmlessly, politely in front of him. He doesn't dare look at the other members standing beside him, especially not Han Geng or Henry - Zhou Mi doesn't trust himself to be able to keep a straight face if he turned and saw the well disguised hurt in Henry's face, or the slowly diminishing hope in Han Geng's.
A part of him had dared to hope, secretly, desperately that in China the protests would somehow disappear. China, his home. His country, his people. He tries not to, but he can't help but count the banners that tell him doesn't belong on this stage. He stops counting at thirty, because if he loses any more confidence there's no way he'll be able to finish his introduction.
Zhou Mi closes his eyes. He envies the others just a little, even though they're lost and homesick, and wishes he didn't understand the words so clearly.
***
He lies to Henry when the youngest approaches him uncertainly, needing reassurance. Henry's eyes are anxious, his jaw tense. Henry's already been burned, and Zhou Mi can't bring himself to show him his own insecurity, his own vulnerability. Zhou Mi remembers his first plane ride to Seoul, the tingling anticipation, the excitement. The determination to take this opportunity and shine more brightly than ever before, the thrill at the thought of his future path amongst the stars and hates the uncertainty in Henry's eyes. Zhou Mi needs this a little too, for Henry to believe that they're going to be alright.
“It's a matter of time,” he says confidently, “don't worry about it. We've all got your back. We'll be fine.” Zhou Mi pokes a thin finger at Henry's cheek. He smiles, encouraging, and feels better when he sees the expression mirrored in Henry's face.
It's true, he thinks. A matter of time. It's a race between them and the fans, to see who can outlast the other. How can they lose, when they have Super Junior on their side? Zhou Mi shakes his head. He almost believes it himself.
***
Zhou Mi knows that he's taking advantage, just a little. Kyuhyun is lost, out of his element and willing to cling to anything familiar. Zhou Mi's perfect for it. He's close with Kyuhyun, known him long enough to be his anchor. Zhou Mi didn't really feel guilty about it, though. Kyuhyun wasn't an idiot. He drags his feet when it comes to Mandarin, and was perfectly willing to sit beside Zhou Mi and use him as a personal translator and distraction when he couldn't take the conversation around him anymore.
It worked, whatever it was. The fans loved it, and the others just smiled knowingly. Fan service. It was more than that, though, this niche he and Kyuhyun had carved out for themselves. Kyuhyun, who hid his insecurity behind a smirk and buried his homesickness under hours of killing Zerg. Zhou Mi, who didn't really belong, not yet. An unspoken understanding between them, a constant they both needed.
“Why are you looking at that, don't be stupid,” Kyuhyun tells him when he catches Zhou Mi reading comments online, and his voice is quiet and a little angry. Kyuhyun reaches over his shoulder and closes the window. “Teach me another song, ge.”
Kyuhyun knows what to do, knows how to distract Zhou Mi and why, because he remembers what it was like to be the new member. It occurs to Zhou Mi that he's not really taking advantage at all, because Kyuhyun is always the one who comes to him first.
***
Zhou Mi cries the day he first sees his name blinking amongst all the others in the audience. The girl holding his name up - her arms must be so tired, he thinks, - is sitting with a friend in the middle right section of the crowd. She's got a blunt, straight fringe and her undyed hair is pulled tightly into a ponytail. She's wearing glasses and a blank expression, until she sees him looking her way and then she's waving the blinking 周觅 in the air frantically, eyes wide and hiding her smile behind a small hand. She's wearing a plain red sweater and Zhou Mi can't really see her that well, but in his eyes she's suddenly the most fascinating girl in the room.
Backstage, he sinks down against the wall and pushes the heel of his palms into his eyes, feeling the wetness there. He takes deep, heaving breaths, and everything feels unreal, from the cold of the wall behind him to the conversation around him, a mix of Mandarin and Korean. It feels like he's underwater.
He pulls himself together and stands up, joining the others. Han Geng gives him a small congratulatory pat on the back and Donghae gives him a wide grin before being whisked away by a makeup artist. So, they had seen the sign too; it was real, after all.
He suddenly feels a rush of gratitude and relief and he can't help the wide smile that spills across his face. He's finally done it. A fan, for him. And not just as Zhou Mi, but as Super Junior M's Zhou Mi. Tears begin to well up in his eyes again and Kyuhyun looks over at him affectionately before elbowing him in the ribs.
Zhou Mi never forgets her face.
***
Zhou Mi never really discusses it Ryeowook - Ryeowook's asked more than once, but Zhou Mi doesn't want to give him that burden, not when he's already worrying over Henry.
Ryeowook, who wears M 7 earrings and makes sure that Henry's never standing by himself. Ryeowook, who despite his pure outlook understands exactly what's going on and counters it with shy displays of affection. Ryeowook, who makes him stay up and translate recipes from a cookbook given to him by a fan and by the next day is trying out one of Zhou Mi's favourite dishes.
Zhou Mi never really discusses it with Ryeowook, because he never really needs to - Ryeowook's already become a source of strength, whether he realises it or not.
***
Zhou Mi tries not to tell Han Geng too much about the things he reads online because he's the leader, and one of his dearest friends and is prone to worrying. He tells Geng that he's fine, and it's true. He's got Super Junior M, and his fans aren't just a wistful dream anymore. Sometimes he comes across pictures of them online where Henry and his faces are blurred, hidden like criminals and it makes something inside him wither just a little, but those pictures are appearing with less and less frequency.
Han Geng's tired, exhausted - Zhou Mi can see the circles under his eyes. He's in the middle of preparing for Super Junior's third album and Zhou Mi's touched by the way he still finds time for him.
Han Geng claps him on the shoulder and looks at him with soft, serious eyes and tells him that the road is still going to be long and rough. Han Geng's given up a lot, perhaps even more than Zhou Mi, for this dream, so Zhou Mi just smiles at him, bright and happy. It's the least he can do, reassuring Geng that it's all good with him.
“I've written a lot of lyrics, and two songs, even,” he tells Han Geng, making sure his voice is enthusiastic and bright, “Should I show them to someone? I know it'll be a while before any songs are set for us, but do you think I should anyway? I should, right?”
Zhou Mi's still grinning after Han Geng leaves. He doesn't have to fake his enthusiasm, he realises - he can't wait to show someone, anyone his work. Excitement builds at the thought of performing his own songs, having Super Junior M sing the words he's written so carefully. It's something to look forward to, and Zhou Mi's a little surprised at how easily he can imagine the future, a brightly lit stage of seven.
***
They're on their way back from a stage rehearsal when Zhou Mi sees his name being torn through their van's tinted windows. There's action - too much, Zhou Mi can't see exactly what's happening - and he sees his name in gold being ripped through the middle. He shifts in his seat, blocking Henry's view when the boy turns to look at the commotion outside.
Something is different. Zhou Mi still winces when he sees the anger outside, but there is determination solidifying, settled deep within him and iron clad, and when Henry faces the front again Zhou Mi turns back to watch the scene behind him being broken up by security. He can't give in to this - if not for his members, his family, then for the fans. Lose the battle, win the war.
They're fighting for me, he thinks, and feels his heart soar as his name is roughly pushed back together and pressed against the van's window.
***
“And here we have our handsome Zhou Mi!” The MC is short, just above Zhou Mi's shoulder but he pushes him forward confidently, smiling. “You all know Zhou Mi, right? Super Junior M's Chinese member, who's very talented and handsome! Do you know he wrote some of the lyrics on their mini album himself? It's very successful!”
Zhou Mi smiles widely, charming as he faces the audience and introduces himself. He allows himself to be teased, blushing and fidgeting as everyone else chuckles. The host gushes about his looks and his voice as Kyuhyun snickers behind them, nudging Zhou Mi with his foot. He tosses his head, showing off his new haircut and laughs along with the audience.
“Gentleman Mimi!” The host is laughing, utterly delighted. “Gentleman Mimi, and Lady Gaga!” Donghae is cracking up and Siwon is shaking his head, pretending to be embarrassed.
The rest of the show goes well, and when they return home, Zhou Mi goes online the way he usually did, going straight to his baidu bar. He waves Henry over and shows him the comments appearing even as he reads.
“Precious Gentleman Mimi, ha ha ha ha so cute, too cute, hi hi hi.” Henry's voice is monotone as he reads aloud. “I can't believe you actually like that nickname.”
Zhou Mi laughs and Donghae comes over and the teasing begins. Soon the teasing evolves into a tickle fight, and as Zhou Mi weakly slaps away intrusive fingers he thinks this is how it should be.
***
He closes his eyes and runs his fingers along the microphone, letting out a smooth, steady note, feeling the vibrato thrum in his throat. The stage is lit with a soft, cobalt blue and somewhere below the stage a smoke machine is whirring softly. The stadium is dark, hushed save for the occasional girlish squeals and glowsticks flickering to and fro. His voice slides, smooth through the air as he sways slowly to the beat and right now he owns the stage, the world, and all there he needs is his voice and the thought of everyone else waiting for him backstage.
There isn't a single ONLY13 banner in sight.
***
He sees them straight away - there was no way he could miss them, not after more than a year of being part of Super Junior M. Henry's face falls immediately, and Shindong comes up behind them and put a reassuring arm around Henry's shoulders. Zhou Mi spies a group of girls standing away from the rest of the crowd pick up their banners and wave his name high in the air - Zhou Mi waves back, smiling. A year ago, that group wouldn't have even existed, he tells himself. He's already come so far, traveled further than he ever thought he would. But his eyes fly to Henry's torn, crumpled picture and his stomach tenses in a way that's become familiar.
A year ago, he would have ducked his head, stood behind Kyuhyun and Siwon as though they could protect him. Today, however, Zhou Mi sets his jaw and boldly sends the fans a cheerful smile. He hasn't come this far to be knocked down.
***
Heechul is pushing his microphone towards Zhou Mi and rolls his eyes when Zhou Mi just stares at him. Heechul turns them both so they're facing the crowd again and lifts the microphone to his lips and begins to shout Zhou Mi's name again and again, and the audience joins in. Henry is laughing, Donghae's arm casually lying on his shoulders. Leeteuk is smiling at him, and the entire situation feels surreal. Heechul tugs him forward again and when the audience screams approval Zhou Mi feels relief so strong he thinks his legs are going to give way.
***
Kyuhyun drapes himself over Zhou Mi's shoulders and laughs into his neck. He's sweaty and damp and it's gross, but Zhou Mi feels like he's walking on air, still high from being on stage.
“I told you,” Heechul is pressing a tissue to his forehead next to them, dabbing at the beads of sweat, “when we have our own concerts, it's would be fucking awesome. Next tour, I'm going to make you join in and wear those animal hats, though. Be prepared.”
Kyuhyun snorts and says something about a koala hat as the room begins settling down, members touching up their hair and slipping into fresh clothes.
“Hey,” Han Geng says, after the others have started to clear out and the room is quieter, “why are you sitting here by yourself?” He reaches over and tousles Zhou Mi's hair. “This is just the beginning for us, got it?” Zhou Mi meets his eyes, and the quiet determination he sees in Geng's smile sends a small shiver down his spine. Han Geng smiles and stands. “We should probably go join the others, you know how they are for the after party.”
Just the beginning, Zhou Mi repeats to himself. He can hear Heechul's raucous laughter, Sungmin's soft voice, can see Kyuhyun and Siwon through the doorway behind Han Geng, laughing, celebrating, waiting for him.
He stands and follows Han Geng out the door.
A/N: i was kinda pissed off when i wrote most of this, so it's a little rough and choppy and has no flow and is probably inaccurate and i think my tenses change despite rereading it, sorry :'( also, i haven't actually read any fan accounts of SSII nanjing myself, most of this was relayed to me by a friend (and from what i've heard i'm not sure i want to read the parts i wrote about anyway) so, uh, just pretend there aren't any weird assumptions or gaps for me 8D
Super Junior (and M)
Zhou Mi centric, PG-13 (language)
Summary: Moments of Zhou Mi's life as a member of Super Junior M. Deals with only13, etc.
pass me a smile
“You're going to be part of the new subgroup.”
Zhou Mi's stomach drops.
The manager beams at him. “I really look forward to working with you! The date of the debut hasn't been set, but you're definitely in, you and Henry. We're going to China! Practice hard, okay? I'll have more information for you later. Congratulations!” He claps Zhou Mi on the shoulder and leaves.
Zhou Mi sits down heavily, stunned. When Super Junior's second manager pulled him into a side room, this wasn't what he had expected to hear. What was the manager's name again? The one with the receding hairline. Zhou Mi can't remember. It wasn't important, anyway. Zhou Mi's head is swimming, unable to quickly process the information he's just been given.
Debut. Super Junior. China. Han Geng. Zhou Mi closes his eyes, heart suddenly pounding. Debut, it was the word that every trainee waited for. Excitement had already begun to bubble and the anticipation was making his stomach clench. And yet.
He'd seen Henry's expression after the Don't Don performances. Closed off. Eyes cast down, gritted teeth. He'd seen the way Sungmin slipped his arm around Henry's shoulders, murmuring comforting words, seen the way Henry had slumped against the walls of the practice room afterwards, his eyes red. And Henry was just a kid. A cute kid with a sweet voice and killer moves and a talented hand for the violin. Henry was adorable. Henry was lovable.
God, if they wouldn't even take Henry, how would they take him?
What were you expecting? He was too old. Too old to be part of a group of fresh faced fifteen year olds. He was too tall. He was just starting to get the hang of dancing. He could be witty and entertaining, but his grasp of Korean just wasn't good enough yet. What else could there be for him, but this?
SM Entertainment. It was supposed to open doors for him. Take him further than he could go by himself, give him a leg up and a brighter spotlight than he would ever find in those competitions. By himself, he could have been big. But here, he would have been seen by the world.
He'd suspected his future with SME would have something to do with Super Junior, but he'd been thinking more along the lines of Zhang Liyin, maybe a duet. Maybe he'd write a song for them or be in their music video and it'd be huge, and everyone would know his name before he even stepped on stage. Or he'd do something for when they expanded into the Chinese market, because it was the logical next step. Something. But a subgroup? Zhou Mi was close with a few of the members and fairly good friends with the rest, and he would have liked to perform with them. One day. Far into the future. At an SM Town concert, where everyone was together anyway.
With Super Junior, he'd have an even bigger stage. The path had already been laid by Han Geng. He was lucky, Zhou Mi told himself. Lucky, damn lucky to be in a group with Han Geng, to be part of Super Junior. Or one of their subgroups, anyway. He should be grateful. They wouldn't hate me, Zhou Mi thought desperately. They couldn't. Han Geng was China's darling, a star who dared to shine in Korea despite everything. China would support him, support his group. Support Zhou Mi. Probably. Maybe? It wasn't like he was a stranger to China's stage. He had skill, he had talent. They wouldn't...
This is it, Zhou Mi thinks, this is what you've waited for. This is your dream. But Henry's face won't leave his head, and Zhou Mi closes his eyes and wonders, not for the first time, if he had done the right thing in leaving China.
***
“Jomiryo!” Heechul pushes his way through the hallway and slings an arm around Zhou Mi's shoulders. Zhou Mi leans down a little to accommodate him as Heechul pulls him towards the exit. “Kyungie just told me you're going to be in the China group with him and Siwon, you lucky bastard. Let's go get drunk to celebrate.” Heechul turns his face to him, eyes shining. “You'll perform with us when we get our own concerts, our own tour! It'll be fucking awesome.”
So. Heechul wasn't going to be in the new group. Zhou Mi feels a twinge of guilt. Super Junior is Heechul's group, not Zhou Mi's. He knows Heechul would never think this of him, but he feels a little like he's taking something that belongs to Heechul.
“Hankyung's really excited, you should see him, he won't sit still. Him and Siwon keep chattering away in Chinese though, it's driving me crazy. Do me a favour, teach Siwon some swear words behind Hankyung's back, and don't tell him what they mean, 'kay? Hey, hey. What's with your face? Are you nervous? Don't be nervous, haven't you performed like a million times in China already by yourself?”
Heechul continues to chatter away, and all Zhou Mi can think is that Heechul would give a hell of a lot to be in this group, to go to China with Han Geng and Siwon and Donghae, maybe even him. Heechul, who nags at Han Geng to teach him how to swear in Mandarin. Heechul, whose favourite dongsaengs are now studying, learning how to curve their lips and roll their tongues around new sounds. Heechul should be in the new subgroup, not Zhou Mi.
But Heechul pushes Zhou Mi out the door and says something about getting Ryeowook drunk, because Zhou Mi should really see that before they go to another country together, and it's the pride and utter confidence in Heechul's voice when he says “Make sure you top the charts, alright? Set it up so it's perfect for when I come to take over China.” that makes Zhou Mi think that maybe, maybe he can do this.
***
Zhou Mi can't say he's surprised when he first stands on stage and is met with chants and boards reading '13' in bold, unmissable colours. Sure, he was an optimist, but to think that he and Henry would be welcomed with open arms was just naïve.
He ignores it all, just like the managers have told him to. He stares straight ahead at a spot on the back wall, hands placed harmlessly, politely in front of him. He doesn't dare look at the other members standing beside him, especially not Han Geng or Henry - Zhou Mi doesn't trust himself to be able to keep a straight face if he turned and saw the well disguised hurt in Henry's face, or the slowly diminishing hope in Han Geng's.
A part of him had dared to hope, secretly, desperately that in China the protests would somehow disappear. China, his home. His country, his people. He tries not to, but he can't help but count the banners that tell him doesn't belong on this stage. He stops counting at thirty, because if he loses any more confidence there's no way he'll be able to finish his introduction.
Zhou Mi closes his eyes. He envies the others just a little, even though they're lost and homesick, and wishes he didn't understand the words so clearly.
***
He lies to Henry when the youngest approaches him uncertainly, needing reassurance. Henry's eyes are anxious, his jaw tense. Henry's already been burned, and Zhou Mi can't bring himself to show him his own insecurity, his own vulnerability. Zhou Mi remembers his first plane ride to Seoul, the tingling anticipation, the excitement. The determination to take this opportunity and shine more brightly than ever before, the thrill at the thought of his future path amongst the stars and hates the uncertainty in Henry's eyes. Zhou Mi needs this a little too, for Henry to believe that they're going to be alright.
“It's a matter of time,” he says confidently, “don't worry about it. We've all got your back. We'll be fine.” Zhou Mi pokes a thin finger at Henry's cheek. He smiles, encouraging, and feels better when he sees the expression mirrored in Henry's face.
It's true, he thinks. A matter of time. It's a race between them and the fans, to see who can outlast the other. How can they lose, when they have Super Junior on their side? Zhou Mi shakes his head. He almost believes it himself.
***
Zhou Mi knows that he's taking advantage, just a little. Kyuhyun is lost, out of his element and willing to cling to anything familiar. Zhou Mi's perfect for it. He's close with Kyuhyun, known him long enough to be his anchor. Zhou Mi didn't really feel guilty about it, though. Kyuhyun wasn't an idiot. He drags his feet when it comes to Mandarin, and was perfectly willing to sit beside Zhou Mi and use him as a personal translator and distraction when he couldn't take the conversation around him anymore.
It worked, whatever it was. The fans loved it, and the others just smiled knowingly. Fan service. It was more than that, though, this niche he and Kyuhyun had carved out for themselves. Kyuhyun, who hid his insecurity behind a smirk and buried his homesickness under hours of killing Zerg. Zhou Mi, who didn't really belong, not yet. An unspoken understanding between them, a constant they both needed.
“Why are you looking at that, don't be stupid,” Kyuhyun tells him when he catches Zhou Mi reading comments online, and his voice is quiet and a little angry. Kyuhyun reaches over his shoulder and closes the window. “Teach me another song, ge.”
Kyuhyun knows what to do, knows how to distract Zhou Mi and why, because he remembers what it was like to be the new member. It occurs to Zhou Mi that he's not really taking advantage at all, because Kyuhyun is always the one who comes to him first.
***
Zhou Mi cries the day he first sees his name blinking amongst all the others in the audience. The girl holding his name up - her arms must be so tired, he thinks, - is sitting with a friend in the middle right section of the crowd. She's got a blunt, straight fringe and her undyed hair is pulled tightly into a ponytail. She's wearing glasses and a blank expression, until she sees him looking her way and then she's waving the blinking 周觅 in the air frantically, eyes wide and hiding her smile behind a small hand. She's wearing a plain red sweater and Zhou Mi can't really see her that well, but in his eyes she's suddenly the most fascinating girl in the room.
Backstage, he sinks down against the wall and pushes the heel of his palms into his eyes, feeling the wetness there. He takes deep, heaving breaths, and everything feels unreal, from the cold of the wall behind him to the conversation around him, a mix of Mandarin and Korean. It feels like he's underwater.
He pulls himself together and stands up, joining the others. Han Geng gives him a small congratulatory pat on the back and Donghae gives him a wide grin before being whisked away by a makeup artist. So, they had seen the sign too; it was real, after all.
He suddenly feels a rush of gratitude and relief and he can't help the wide smile that spills across his face. He's finally done it. A fan, for him. And not just as Zhou Mi, but as Super Junior M's Zhou Mi. Tears begin to well up in his eyes again and Kyuhyun looks over at him affectionately before elbowing him in the ribs.
Zhou Mi never forgets her face.
***
Zhou Mi never really discusses it Ryeowook - Ryeowook's asked more than once, but Zhou Mi doesn't want to give him that burden, not when he's already worrying over Henry.
Ryeowook, who wears M 7 earrings and makes sure that Henry's never standing by himself. Ryeowook, who despite his pure outlook understands exactly what's going on and counters it with shy displays of affection. Ryeowook, who makes him stay up and translate recipes from a cookbook given to him by a fan and by the next day is trying out one of Zhou Mi's favourite dishes.
Zhou Mi never really discusses it with Ryeowook, because he never really needs to - Ryeowook's already become a source of strength, whether he realises it or not.
***
Zhou Mi tries not to tell Han Geng too much about the things he reads online because he's the leader, and one of his dearest friends and is prone to worrying. He tells Geng that he's fine, and it's true. He's got Super Junior M, and his fans aren't just a wistful dream anymore. Sometimes he comes across pictures of them online where Henry and his faces are blurred, hidden like criminals and it makes something inside him wither just a little, but those pictures are appearing with less and less frequency.
Han Geng's tired, exhausted - Zhou Mi can see the circles under his eyes. He's in the middle of preparing for Super Junior's third album and Zhou Mi's touched by the way he still finds time for him.
Han Geng claps him on the shoulder and looks at him with soft, serious eyes and tells him that the road is still going to be long and rough. Han Geng's given up a lot, perhaps even more than Zhou Mi, for this dream, so Zhou Mi just smiles at him, bright and happy. It's the least he can do, reassuring Geng that it's all good with him.
“I've written a lot of lyrics, and two songs, even,” he tells Han Geng, making sure his voice is enthusiastic and bright, “Should I show them to someone? I know it'll be a while before any songs are set for us, but do you think I should anyway? I should, right?”
Zhou Mi's still grinning after Han Geng leaves. He doesn't have to fake his enthusiasm, he realises - he can't wait to show someone, anyone his work. Excitement builds at the thought of performing his own songs, having Super Junior M sing the words he's written so carefully. It's something to look forward to, and Zhou Mi's a little surprised at how easily he can imagine the future, a brightly lit stage of seven.
***
They're on their way back from a stage rehearsal when Zhou Mi sees his name being torn through their van's tinted windows. There's action - too much, Zhou Mi can't see exactly what's happening - and he sees his name in gold being ripped through the middle. He shifts in his seat, blocking Henry's view when the boy turns to look at the commotion outside.
Something is different. Zhou Mi still winces when he sees the anger outside, but there is determination solidifying, settled deep within him and iron clad, and when Henry faces the front again Zhou Mi turns back to watch the scene behind him being broken up by security. He can't give in to this - if not for his members, his family, then for the fans. Lose the battle, win the war.
They're fighting for me, he thinks, and feels his heart soar as his name is roughly pushed back together and pressed against the van's window.
***
“And here we have our handsome Zhou Mi!” The MC is short, just above Zhou Mi's shoulder but he pushes him forward confidently, smiling. “You all know Zhou Mi, right? Super Junior M's Chinese member, who's very talented and handsome! Do you know he wrote some of the lyrics on their mini album himself? It's very successful!”
Zhou Mi smiles widely, charming as he faces the audience and introduces himself. He allows himself to be teased, blushing and fidgeting as everyone else chuckles. The host gushes about his looks and his voice as Kyuhyun snickers behind them, nudging Zhou Mi with his foot. He tosses his head, showing off his new haircut and laughs along with the audience.
“Gentleman Mimi!” The host is laughing, utterly delighted. “Gentleman Mimi, and Lady Gaga!” Donghae is cracking up and Siwon is shaking his head, pretending to be embarrassed.
The rest of the show goes well, and when they return home, Zhou Mi goes online the way he usually did, going straight to his baidu bar. He waves Henry over and shows him the comments appearing even as he reads.
“Precious Gentleman Mimi, ha ha ha ha so cute, too cute, hi hi hi.” Henry's voice is monotone as he reads aloud. “I can't believe you actually like that nickname.”
Zhou Mi laughs and Donghae comes over and the teasing begins. Soon the teasing evolves into a tickle fight, and as Zhou Mi weakly slaps away intrusive fingers he thinks this is how it should be.
***
He closes his eyes and runs his fingers along the microphone, letting out a smooth, steady note, feeling the vibrato thrum in his throat. The stage is lit with a soft, cobalt blue and somewhere below the stage a smoke machine is whirring softly. The stadium is dark, hushed save for the occasional girlish squeals and glowsticks flickering to and fro. His voice slides, smooth through the air as he sways slowly to the beat and right now he owns the stage, the world, and all there he needs is his voice and the thought of everyone else waiting for him backstage.
There isn't a single ONLY13 banner in sight.
***
He sees them straight away - there was no way he could miss them, not after more than a year of being part of Super Junior M. Henry's face falls immediately, and Shindong comes up behind them and put a reassuring arm around Henry's shoulders. Zhou Mi spies a group of girls standing away from the rest of the crowd pick up their banners and wave his name high in the air - Zhou Mi waves back, smiling. A year ago, that group wouldn't have even existed, he tells himself. He's already come so far, traveled further than he ever thought he would. But his eyes fly to Henry's torn, crumpled picture and his stomach tenses in a way that's become familiar.
A year ago, he would have ducked his head, stood behind Kyuhyun and Siwon as though they could protect him. Today, however, Zhou Mi sets his jaw and boldly sends the fans a cheerful smile. He hasn't come this far to be knocked down.
***
Heechul is pushing his microphone towards Zhou Mi and rolls his eyes when Zhou Mi just stares at him. Heechul turns them both so they're facing the crowd again and lifts the microphone to his lips and begins to shout Zhou Mi's name again and again, and the audience joins in. Henry is laughing, Donghae's arm casually lying on his shoulders. Leeteuk is smiling at him, and the entire situation feels surreal. Heechul tugs him forward again and when the audience screams approval Zhou Mi feels relief so strong he thinks his legs are going to give way.
***
Kyuhyun drapes himself over Zhou Mi's shoulders and laughs into his neck. He's sweaty and damp and it's gross, but Zhou Mi feels like he's walking on air, still high from being on stage.
“I told you,” Heechul is pressing a tissue to his forehead next to them, dabbing at the beads of sweat, “when we have our own concerts, it's would be fucking awesome. Next tour, I'm going to make you join in and wear those animal hats, though. Be prepared.”
Kyuhyun snorts and says something about a koala hat as the room begins settling down, members touching up their hair and slipping into fresh clothes.
“Hey,” Han Geng says, after the others have started to clear out and the room is quieter, “why are you sitting here by yourself?” He reaches over and tousles Zhou Mi's hair. “This is just the beginning for us, got it?” Zhou Mi meets his eyes, and the quiet determination he sees in Geng's smile sends a small shiver down his spine. Han Geng smiles and stands. “We should probably go join the others, you know how they are for the after party.”
Just the beginning, Zhou Mi repeats to himself. He can hear Heechul's raucous laughter, Sungmin's soft voice, can see Kyuhyun and Siwon through the doorway behind Han Geng, laughing, celebrating, waiting for him.
He stands and follows Han Geng out the door.
A/N: i was kinda pissed off when i wrote most of this, so it's a little rough and choppy and has no flow and is probably inaccurate and i think my tenses change despite rereading it, sorry :'( also, i haven't actually read any fan accounts of SSII nanjing myself, most of this was relayed to me by a friend (and from what i've heard i'm not sure i want to read the parts i wrote about anyway) so, uh, just pretend there aren't any weird assumptions or gaps for me 8D