[fic] VF: Aftermath

[sunflower1343]

Title: Aftermath
Pairing: Asami x Akihito
Rating: PG-13
Spoilers: through NT12
Warnings: Both angsty and romantic

Notes: Akihito's got some issues in the aftermath of Hong Kong...



He never knew quite what had awakened him, whether it was the sounds of waves crashing into the shore, or the smell of the sea on the air, or the wispy mosquito netting swaying slightly in the warm breeze over the bed. His eyes left the gauzy material and wandered around the room, hoping an explanation would jump out and he wouldn't have to move. Despite his unexpected situation he was feeling incredibly relaxed. He'd just woken from his first peaceful sleep since Hong Kong. He wondered what he had to thank for that. Maybe the setting.

The place was obviously tropical. And it spoke of money. Teak and bamboo and mahogany and some exotic striped woods made up the furniture, and the wood looked worn smooth, the way only hands over decades can do. Antiques. These are all antiques. Sitting up, he brushed the netting aside and slipped out from between soft cotton sheets to pad quietly across the room toward the large open windows that ran along one wall.

There was a veranda outside, with inviting furniture and planters full of tropical flowers, some large white sweet-smelling ones in bloom. A short stony path led from there through some grasses down to a white beach that curved gently along a small bay. No one was in sight. Paradise... He shook his head at the thought. He'd learned that paradise depended largely upon one's company.

And he didn't know his yet. Tremors shot through his arms down to his hands. He crossed his arms, sticking his hands under them so they wouldn't betray him. It could be any one of the three men who'd held him in their grasps lately. The room though, spoke of Feilong's tastes.

His stomach churned slightly. That wasn't the name he'd choose. He couldn't go through that again. To his disgust, his legs suddenly felt weak and he leaned against the window frame. Helpless, like before. A short sigh of frustration escaped his lips as his mind raced for a way to get out of this.

"I hope that's a sigh of content, but somehow I have the feeling it isn't."

His heart leapt at the smooth baritone. Not Feilong. Asami. He almost wept in relief. But as he turned quickly to meet the voice's owner a wave of dizziness swept over him that almost brought him to his knees, and he understood. "You son of a bitch. The orange soda. You did it again."

"I didn't expect it to work, especially when I found they were out of cola. Really Akihito, you know what they say: Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice...."

"Everything's shame on you." He struggled feebly as a firm arm went about his waist, holding him up. "I thought I could trust you."

"You can trust me to take care of you, which is another thing entirely."

He leaned helplessly against the broad chest. The soft cotton under his cheek made his head pop up in surprise. His dizziness made him quickly lower it again, but not before he'd noticed what Asami was wearing, casual cotton pants and a worn polo. He rested his head there, letting Asami bear his weight. The man had drugged him. Again. The least he could do was take responsibility. He tried to steady himself by concentrating on something, anything. "I've never seen you dress like this. I didn't think you owned anything but suits."

There was a soft snort of laughter from somewhere above his head. "What did you think I wore when I wasn't working?"

"I didn't think you did anything but work, fuck, and sleep, and I wasn't sure about the last."

"That seems to be all I've been doing lately."

The weariness in Asami's voice surprised him. "So ...what? You're taking a vacation, and brought me along for the ride?"

Asami's hand ran through Akihito's hair, down his back, and came to a rest on his ass. It burned him through his briefs, and he felt himself beginning to respond.

"Something like that," was the only answer he got, then his head was tilted back in a strong grasp and Asami's mouth came down upon his. He felt dizzy again, though not in the same way, and reached out for the only solid thing near him, and he gave in and let himself be carried away.

---

When he awoke again, it was night. As before, there'd been no dreams.

The air was still scented by the flowers outside, but on top of that there was the scent of something grilling. He stretched himself, arching his back like a cat, enjoying the delicious twinges his muscles made as they recalled the sex earlier.

It had been a little strange. Asami had seemed subdued for once, gentle, like something was on his mind.

I wonder if he was thinking of Feilong?

A pang of jealousy hit him. He'd been feeling that since he'd first heard about the two of them, and it had gotten worse since he'd seen them together. He knew there was no love lost between them now, and that was something. But there were ties that bound the two of them deeply and he still didn't understand, and that made him... angry, yes, but also jealous, with all that implied.

I want answers, and I'm going to get them.

He quickly rose from the bed and dressed, then strode boldly out of the bedroom ready for battle.

He stopped short when he saw Asami in the kitchen, still dressed casually, poking at something on the small grill beside the stove with a long metal spatula.

It was...freaky. Domestic Asami. What was next? Running the vacuum?

What was going on here? His resolve to get answers resurfaced, only he had a lot more questions now. Trying to look casual, he sauntered over to the stove to stand beside the man who was puzzling him so much.

"I didn't know you could cook."

"It appears that you don’t know a lot about me."

"Whose fault is that?" His voice rose a little, but then he felt ashamed because he was the one who always ran away. He spoke before Asami could. "I'm sorry. I know it's not just your fault. It's mine too."

Asami stilled, then turned his head to look at Akihito with that calm gaze that pierced all his walls. "You've changed."

"Well, yeah, that happens..." when you're kidnapped and raped repeatedly and shot at multiple times and you don't know where you'll end up next but you can almost be certain it'll be worse than the last place - and he caught his breath and looked up to see Asami still watching him.

He needed to get away from those eyes for a minute, before he lost it. He was ready to bolt.

As if Asami heard his thoughts, the man turned back to the food on the grill. "I hope you like fish. I'm told this one is a local delicacy. I've never cooked it, but I assume one fish is much like another."

The adrenalin that had been pumping through him a minute before drained away. He relaxed at the unexpected reprieve. Asami wasn't going to press him, which didn't fit the man, but he wasn't going to complain. He might, however, not want to push so hard for answers. He didn't want to be pushed back. Not about some of the things that had been crowding his mind lately.

A peculiar smell hit his nose. Glad of the distraction, he glanced over to see Asami spooning some grayish-green stuff onto a plate. "Hey! What is that? It stinks! I don't want any."

"Chicken."

"I'm not a chicken. I just don't want something that will make me run to the toilet all night."

"No, as in 'tastes like chicken'. Though you are a coward for not eating this. It tastes better than it smells."

"It would have to. Nothing could taste worse." He tried to look more closely but he gagged. "Asami... chicken isn't supposed to be that color. Have you ever cooked before?" He looked up to meet an annoyed scowl.

"Of course I've cooked. I wasn't always rich. And curry is always odd colors."

"...Gray with an opal-like sheen?"

Asami looked at the plates. His lips pursed, as if they didn't want to let words out. He finally admitted all he probably would. "It was never...quite like that before."

Akihito laughed to himself, though he didn't let Asami see it. He didn't want to destroy the casual mood, strange though it was. He phrased his words carefully. "You know, it looks like someone just sold you some bad chicken. Maybe you can make it again later with fresh." When I'm far, far away. "We really only need the fish tonight anyway." He turned to the refrigerator and opened it. "Do we have any vegetables?" He bent down and spotted a covered bowl. "What's this?"

He felt Asami's heat next to him as the man bent down beside him. "That's a marinated asparagus salad."

The strangeness of the situation again struck him, and confused him. This was what other couples had, this casual intimacy, like they were normal lovers. He couldn't say that he'd ever felt it with anyone else, but he certainly never expected to feel it from Asami. This wasn't helping his already shot nerves. A too-familiar panicky feeling began building along his spine. He needed to move.

"I-I'll put it on the table." He snatched the bowl up and quickly stepped away, only to discover there was no table. He looked around helplessly.

Asami's voice was dry. "It's on the veranda. And unless you want to share the bowl with me as if we were a pair of goats, you may want to take plates and chopsticks."

His cheeks warmed. "Th-thanks."

Again he was on the receiving end of that calm stare. He didn't want it to see. His heart skipped a beat.

Again, no mention was made. "The fish will be done shortly. You'd best move quickly."

He hesitantly took a step toward the cupboards. Asami silently pointed at one. He opened it and found what he needed.

After grabbing the plates and dashing for the outside of the bungalow he found a measure of peace in the cool night air. The table was lit by a rectangle of gold light from the inside of the house through a large open window. He heard Asami at the stove.

He quickly plated the salad, then walked to the edge of the veranda and sat on the small stone wall that surrounded it. The wall was old and chipped in places, so he had to shift about a bit to get comfortable, but he did, and was finally able to relax.

The three quarter moon was rising a little to the right of the bay they were on. There was a long silvery trail across the water to where it hung low in the sky. He wished he could travel along that path and escape. But he also knew there was no escape from himself. Hurt and loneliness rose up inside him and his eyes stung with the force of keeping the tears within. He couldn't let Asami see this, this irrational emotional state he'd found himself in lately. He couldn't let himself fall apart. He trembled with the effort it was taking.

Asami's quiet voice came from directly over his head, startling him out of his misery. "I'd think this would be the sort of thing you'd want to photograph. I brought your equipment along, should the mood strike you." A hand reached over his shoulder, handing him a glass of wine. When he'd taken it, the hand pulled back, lightly caressing his cheek on the way. Or had he imagined that?

He looked at the wine, pale in the moonlight, like liquid silver. Courage in a glass. He lifted it to his lips and sipped. Not used to western wine, he was surprised by the mix of flavors across his tongue, grape but also hints of citrus and vanilla and even something floral. Not moonlight in a glass, he thought, but sunshine.

"Good, isn't it? It's local. They're evidently better at winemaking than chicken raising."

A laugh escaped his lips. A hand ruffled his hair. He wanted it to stay like this. He wanted to turn and bury himself in the warm chest behind him, but he didn't want to be despised for doing so.

He tilted his head back and raised his eyes to Asami's, not able to read what was there.

Asami's gaze remained on the ocean, calm, unruffled, unaffected. "The fish is ready. Let's eat. It won't taste as good cold."

He shook himself out of the cage his thoughts were trying to make. "And since there's no guaranteeing it tastes good hot, we don't want it to get worse."

"I'll have you know I've killed men for less."

"Oh yeah? By feeding them the chicken?"

"Smart-assed brat." But the voice was almost fond, not annoyed. Again, he felt the large hand in his hair. Mine. He could hear it without words.

Akihito rose and brushed the dust from his jeans with one hand, the other still holding the half full wine glass. "Okay. Let's eat."

Asami hadn't budged. He felt a strong arm slip about his waist, and Asami's warm breath against his cheek as his head dipped down close to his. He waited for the lips to continue down, but they merely hovered there, then after a moment, retreated. Asami's face held a smile on it that looked slightly sarcastic, and he was no longer looking at Akihito. In fact he didn't seem to be focused on anything. Akihito didn't get it.

Asami blinked, then finally looked at him, his eyes amused, only for once Akihito didn't think they were amused at him.

"Let's eat, Akihito."

He sat with his back to the light, so he could look out over the ocean. And, he admitted, so his face would be hidden against the glare. Asami took one look at him, stepped back into the house, and turned off the lights but for the one under the hood over the stove.

Dammit.

Asami came out, bringing the ice bucket holding the wine. "That's much better, don't you think?"

"Much better," he muttered, and he took another sip of wine. The flavors again made him relax. "I don't understand how this is just grapes but it tastes like so many other things."

"Wine connoisseurs will tell you that art and perhaps a little magic goes into each bottle."

Akihito looked up skeptically at that. "Do you believe that?"

"Me? Believe in magic?" Asami laughed dismissively. "No. It's all chemistry. That's all anything good is, the right chemistry."

"That kind of sad, to think that."

"It's realistic. Of course there's an art to creating the perfect chemistry, and so we admire the man who can bottle the perfect wine. And perform the perfect seduction."

"You think you're an artist?" Akihito asked in disbelief.

"You think my seduction technique is perfect? I'm flattered. Or I would be if you had any experience with which to back up that statement."

A memory flashed to the front of his thoughts: blindfolded, forced to give Feilong a blowjob, realizing how little seduction meant when that's all there was, realizing that's not all there was with him and Asami. His eyes had been covered, but he'd seen more clearly that night than he had in months. As if trying to take him there again, his sight blurred.

"Akihito...Dammit. I didn't mean -"

Akihito angrily scrubbed at his eyes and stood up. "Don't. Just.... don't. I don't want to talk to you right now."

Asami stood too, and his temper was in his words. "You don't seem to want to talk at all since Hong Kong. I've been trying to give you room, trying to be patient, but my patience has run out. By god you're going to tell me what's bothering you and we're not leaving this place until you do."

"What? You dragged me here to make me talk? What do you want to hear? That I'm hurting? That it was hell? That I hated being tied up and threatened with fates worse than death, that I didn't like being raped and made a whore just so I could live, that I hurt whenever I thought of being abandoned there, and how bad the pain I felt was after realizing that you meant something to me only to find out he was always there first? Is that what you want to hear?" Control was being ripped from him and he couldn't stop the tears from flowing, so he turned away. He tried to walk away but stumbled on the flagstones.

A pair of strong arms caught him. "It's a start." Asami's hand pulled his head against his chest and a flood was let loose in him. He did what he'd been wanting to do since he'd seen Asami again, and he cried. He cried out the fear and the loneliness, the pain and the weariness, the anger and the anxiety, the confusion and the grief. He cried and he despised himself for it, and was certain he was being despised in return.

He didn't want to leave the comfort of those arms, but he shoved away from Asami, stumbling backwards into the wall, knocking a planter over. "I don't need this. I'm not a child. Stop treating me like one. I'm a man. Dammit, why won't any of you see that?"

As he stood there crying like a child.

"Shit." He turned and ran blindly down the path and into the sands, to where he didn't know, just so it was away. The sand was soft and deep and still warm from the day's sun, and he soon slowed to a walk. He was already exhausted emotionally. This exertion just completely wore him out. When he came to some rocks that jutted out into the ocean, he climbed atop one that was large and flat, and lay on his back breathing heavily, looking up at the star-filled sky.

What the hell had he just done? Asami brought him here to this place that was like paradise, made him dinner for god's sake, was obviously concerned about him though Akihito was sure that it couldn't be his only motive for the trip. And what do I do? Storm off in tears like a child while I'm saying I'm not one. We were talking, actually talking, and I blew it.

He didn't understand where his head was lately, only that erratic behavior seemed the norm. His emotions were all over the place. He'd find himself panicking without warning, crying at nothing, working himself into exhaustion each night so he could sleep.

He stared at the stars overhead, and they twinkled back all saying the same thing. Loser. The surf was part of the conspiracy, repeating "Screwed it up, screwed it up." over and over. He knew that was true. But he also knew if he'd stayed he'd have screwed it up worse. Asami would have seen right through him.

He curled onto his side, wrapped around himself, and fell into an exhausted asleep. This time he dreamt, though it was nightmare.

"He's not coming for you." Feilong tossed some surveillance photos onto the bed. "He's already up and about and dating other men. He has better taste than I thought."

Akihito stared down at the pictures in shock. Asami, at a club, his arm around the waist of a beautiful male model with long black hair. He was looking at the young man with affection.

"The man can't seem to forget me. The ones he sticks with always have that same look."

Pain ripped through him.

"Evidently you were right about his not caring. I can understand why. Who wants someone who sucks in bed and throws tantrums all the time? I'm getting sick of it too. I suppose the only thing I can do to recoup my losses is to sell you. You should at least bring a tidy profit as a whore."

"Feilong, no, I'll do what you ask! Please don't..."

Self-disgust on top of pain.

The gavel fell. "Sold!" The auctioneer took him aside. "I know he looks disgusting, but look on the bright side. His boys don't have to put up with it that long. They never last past a month."

He looked at his future from the end of a chain. Shouldn't he be able to save himself? Wasn't he better than this? A lash fell, giving him his answer.

Fear on top of pain and disgust.

A club to the back of his knees made him fall. He felt the prick of the needle, the only relief he knew these days. It was the only thing he lived for. "Be a good boy," he heard, "and there will be more where that came from." He tried pulling away from the old man's grasp but hadn't the strength, and when the man's flabby cock pushed at his lips he no longer had the will to refuse. He no longer knew himself. Choking, he surrendered.

Despair upon pain upon fear upon guilt, pressing down, burying him, his fighting worthless, his self, worthless.

No! NO!

He cried out in anguish and sat up abruptly, awake. The breeze off the ocean was cold on his sweaty body and he was shaking. He wrapped his arms around himself and tried to slow his breathing.

A leather jacket was quietly draped over his shoulders, warm from the body that had been wearing it, surrounding him with that familiar scent. His trembling only grew worse. He couldn't stop the words that spilled from him, nor the tears.

"He was going to sell me. First addict me to drugs, then sell me as a whore. I was so scared. I tried to get away but there was nowhere to run on that island where they didn't know his mark. I fought, you know me, but it wasn't doing any good. I didn't know what to do. I was so alone. He told me you weren't coming. I believed him, because I didn't think you cared about someone like me. I was willing to do anything to escape that fate. I was helpless. I was worthless. I rolled over like a dog."

Asami sat down behind him, legs stretching to either side and pulled him back against his chest. "You did what you had to to survive."

He laughed nervously, tears still flowing. "I did. It wasn't much though, was it? I sucked Feilong's cock to survive. That would make a great bumper sticker for pussies, wouldn't it? I rolled onto my back and spread my legs for him. Because I wasn't able to do anything better. I wasn't able to be a man, to fight my way out. So I survived as a woman, hoping I'd get a chance to run. My only hope was that I might escape. I even screwed that up. I couldn't do anything without you."

His head fell and his hands tugged helplessly at his hair. The pain helped to center him. "I didn't want it to be that way. A princess waiting for a knight in tarnished armor. But that's all I was, wasn't it? When you called that first time, I was in the room. You can't know what it meant, just to know you came. That I wasn't alone. That you cared. But then I had to wonder who it was you cared for, him or me? He was so obsessed with you, and Yoh, he said you two were close in the past." He took a deep breath. "Did you love him Asami? What do you feel for him? When you came to Hong Kong, was it for him or me?"

Asami reached around him and pulled his hands from his hair, holding them in his large fists. "I can't believe you let such an idiotic thing bother you. To answer in order: Never, Nothing, and What do you think?"

"I don’t know. You've never said what you felt about me, except that I'm not worth anything to you. What am I to think? You say one thing, act another way, it makes me wonder if you're being dishonest with just me, or with yourself as well, or if it's all some big game and your affections are for him. All I could think when you came was how you probably came for him and how disappointed you'd be to finally see me. But when you came, and you called, I still melted like a girl when the boy she likes finally phones."

Asami's voice was soft. "Am I the boy you like, Akihito?"

His cheeks heated. "Does it matter at this point? I can't imagine you would want me now. I'm sorry, I really am. I wanted... I wanted to get to know you. To spend time with you. To show you that I wasn't just a brat. That I cared and that was worth something." He wiped at his eyes. "I really fucked it up, didn't I? You must really despise me. God I hate being like this, and I can't make it stop!"

"If I despised you do you think I'd have stayed with you? That I'd give a damn about what was happening to you?" The anger in Asami's voice surprised Akihito. "I could see something eating at you, ever since I got you back, and I had a good idea what it was. It pisses me off knowing that because of it he's foremost in your mind. But it absolutely infuriates me knowing that you don't feel you can talk to me about any of it, that you think I'd throw you away because of what he did to you. Do you hold my loyalty to be so cheap? My affections to be so shallow?"

"I didn't know you even had any damned affections! But I do know you hate weakness. I can't even stand looking at myself because of it right now. How can you be surprised that I didn't want you to see it either?"

"You idiot." Asami took his left ear lobe between his teeth and bit, then soothed it with a lick, pain and pleasure. His voice was hot and soft in Akihito's ear. "You're the only one who thinks you were weak. Not everyone is strong the same way. Yoh told me how you used your strengths, your outspokenness and caring, to create bonds with Feilong and his serving boy. In doing so you guaranteed your safety. It was well done, Akihito." Asami nibbled at his neck.

The praise stopped him dead in his tracks. It was complete unexpected, and in his opinion, completely undeserved. He thought maybe Asami didn't understand, but that was never one of Asami's failings. Maybe what he said was worth thinking about.

"I... I didn't think of it that way." He wiggled a bit under the kisses, not wanting the distraction from the conversation they were having.

Asami raised his lips from the nape of Akihito's neck. "Of course you didn't. What did he spend weeks doing? I can hear it in what you say. Drilling all kinds of crap into your head. How very un-special you were. How unskilled. How worthless. Humiliating words punctuated with rape. If you do it enough anyone will start to believe it. Like you've been starting to believe."

Asami's took Akihito's chin in his grasp and made him turn so their eyes met.

"Akihito, rape is no easy thing for anyone to handle. Why else do you think I used it as a punishment? It's something men fear to their very core. It breaks something in most of them, and I'm cruel enough to have used that without hesitation. Yet you're different, and have been from the beginning. Even with rape he couldn't touch the core of you. Neither could I. Because of that you touched the core of me, something no one had done before, and you shattered my control. That ability to touch people is your strength, your power. Don't underestimate yourself."

Asami fell silent after what was almost a declaration of love from him, and Akihito heard the surf in the background talking again, but this time it was urging "Believe in yourself, believe..." His eye was caught by a fish leaping out in the bay, a flash of silver in the moonlight, leaping for what he didn't know, perhaps for the joy of testing the unknown.

"Asami...?"

"Hmmm?"

"I really missed you. I never thought I would, but when I was ... going through all of that I realized I hadn't been looking at you very honestly. And when I did, I missed you. I want more than what we had. I want to get to know you. I know you say I'm nothing but a brat to you, but maybe you aren't looking at me honestly either. I just... want us to try."

The fish still leapt in the bay. He felt like his heart was flipping with it.

"No, you're a brat, I'm sure of it." Asami's laughter at his protests was warm against his neck. "Shh. What do you think this trip is about? We were home, but you weren't there. I wanted you back."

His heart beat faster at the admission, but despite his happiness the pain was still there. "I wish I could be like before too. I just want to try to forget all of it. But I can't seem to shake it. There are nightmares sometimes, like tonight, about him, about what happened on the ship too. And about you, covered in blood. Sometimes they're about things that never happened, just things I was terrified of. Sometimes they make me relive something bad that happened. I wake up shaking, terrified, crying. I don't know what to do to stop them, Asami. I feel so helpless again, because there's no way to fight it."

He looked at his lover, not sure of what he'd see. Asami's face was pale in the moonlight, like an alabaster statue. Only his eyes of molten gold betrayed the life inside him, and they burned intensely.

"Akihito, you already lived through the worst of it and came out the other side, all on your own. You'll get through this as well. We all feel shockwaves from terrible things that happen to us. We ride them out, and they get easier with time. You could do that on your own. You're strong enough. But there's no need for you to be alone while I'm here. And I won't let you."

"Y-you wouldn't think it's just me being weak? Accepting your help?"

"Don't confuse accepting help with requiring it. The latter is weakness. The former is just smart."

He hadn't realized how much he'd wanted to hear those words from the one person who would understand. They were like a key unlocking a spring that had been wound too tight, and he shook from the force of its release. He rose to his knees and slipped his arms around Asami's neck, holding onto what had become the one constant in his life lately, what he always knew would be there. He'd just been afraid to reach out and take it. "Then I'd like that, very much," he whispered, giving way to tears for the last time that night, though this time they were gentle and felt like they were washing away his sins.

Asami's hands moved slowly along his body, caressing, comforting, supporting. Akihito sighed in content and turned his head to gaze up at the moon. There was no longer a reflection running across the water to it. It sat, pale and alone, cold in its splendor. It was almost what he'd run away to. It was a pretty but empty existence. He wanted more. He tightened his arms around Asami's neck. "I supposed dinner is ruined."

The hands stilled for a moment. "It wasn't that good anyway. Not my best effort. I'll make something better tomorrow."

"We'll make something better tomorrow."

He felt Asami's head turn towards him a little. "Ah. That we will." Asami's lips lightly touched his ear, then cheek, then his lips as he turned them into the kiss. Then there was no more talking.

They spent the night there, on that rock. It was cold with the spray from the ocean, but they warmed it. The moon set behind the island unnoticed but they saw the sun rise warm and bright, exposing everything, but with a golden light that made even ugliness seem less harsh.

Asami sat beside him as the sun rose, hair tousled, clothes wrinkled, looking very much human. His heart lightened. He knew it wouldn't be easy to get past what had been done to him, but just knowing that he wouldn't have to face it alone was enough to make it seem possible. He jumped to his feet with a laugh and held out his hand to a very surprised Asami. "C'mon. The day's wasting. We've got a lot ahead of us."

Asami looked up at him with a mix of approval and pride, and something more that set his heart racing. He reached up and took Akihito's hand, standing to join him. He didn't say anything, but as they walked up the beach, they walked hand in hand.

~end~