Lorelei Decan 59, ND 2020
I guess I'm just...really confused.
I was reading my old journal, the one from our journey. Before the end I gave it to Guy, who says he didn't read it and gave it to Mother, who gave it back to me when I came back. It's a little embarrassing now, thinking about it--I only gave it away because I thought I wasn't coming back, but now that I did I'm relieved that nobody read it. (or at least, they say they didn't) But it's important. Because it reminds me of where I've been and where I still need to go.
Everyone talks about how far I've come, but the truth is, it's still hard to understand other people. Especially since I don't really understand myself a lot of the time. It's strange, talking to all of them. On one hand, it feels like no time has passed at all, and on the other I know I've missed so much. Everyone's different, in little ways. But enough to throw me off.
Not that I didn't miss everyone, but somehow, it was the biggest relief seeing Tear again. I guess I looked up to her more than I thought...wanted to impress her or something. But at the same time, now I know I was relying on her too much, to call me out when I did something wrong. No wonder she got frustrated with me all the time. But I'm grateful.
And I've changed, too. I never thought one person could make such a difference, but finally being with Asch...I was always chasing after him, no matter how many times he just left me behind. And having him depend on me was a little...satisfying. Because for once I could really make myself useful. But I bet he hated it...being helpless. Even if I didn't see him that way.
I mean, at first it was pretty bad. He was always angry, trying to pick a fight, criticizing everything I did. Then maybe he got tired of it or something. We actually managed to talk about some things...the weather. Swordfighting. The people waiting for us at home. It was probably just too exhausting to argue with the only other person around all the time, but I was happy. I finally felt like he was acknowledging me for real. Maybe I'd bested him in a fight, but that didn't have anything to do with getting along.
And, well, it feels kind of silly saying this, but...I don't get why people think it's so rude to talk about sharing a bed with someone or whatever. It's really comfortable...I mean, it's a little cramped at times but you never feel alone. And it's warmer. Maybe it's something about nobles....breach of etiquette, I don't know. Like the maids or anyone else care what me and Asch do at night. There's one less bed for them to make up in the morning, right?
Up until now, I...never had someone like this. Sure, me and Guy are really close, but it's almost like I'm used to seeing him, so I'm just comfortable with him there. It doesn't mean he's not important, but it's different. Maybe because I was so used to chasing after Asch, I keep wanting to look for him to be there with me. If that makes any sense. I don't even know why, but I'm not sure what I'd do without him anymore.
I hope he doesn't think it's pity. Even though I am worried about him. It actually takes more concentration now to keep our minds separate...I keep getting bits and pieces of his thoughts and memories, especially when he's asleep. The more I learn the more I don't even know how he survived all that stuff as a kid...the worst part is, he knew. I guess Van told him--that the Score said he was going to die. When he was younger he hurt himself really badly, thinking he could go against the Score by dying too soon. I don't even get how a kid could want to die so much...it must have been really bad. He says he's fine now, but he got pretty worked up when I told him I saw that memory. He insisted on closing off the link, even though it'll make it hard for him to sleep. Said there was even worse. I don't know what that means...an eleven-year-old cutting his arm open with a knife is definitely up there.
But maybe he's right--I don't really have a right to pry. I don't want him to see my dreams, though maybe he already has. But I still want to help him somehow. If he talked about it, maybe he might be able to let things go.
I'm going to have to convince him that he can't go through with the wedding. If Natalia saw those scars on his arms...she needs to take care of the country, not worry about him. If I can make her job easier by looking after Asch, then
Who am I kidding!? I'm such an idiot. I'm not doing this for Natalia, or the country...I really am selfish. I just want I
I'll write more later. My head hurts.