I need to write it down again.
Me wondering whose fault it is.
I've kind of fought my depression now. I know what's causing it, I know what I'm doing wrong so I've got it under control and let the bad episodes pass. The bad episodes don't last for days anymore which is good. I've got a job, I'm waiting for invitations to interviews and stuff for my apprenticeship next year and I'm doing my driving licence atm. So life's good.
Except there's on last biiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiig topic still bothering me which is: relationships/boyfriends.
In two months I'm 20. During these first 20 years I had a crush on 3 guys who didn't love me back so I was never in a relationship.
At the same time there were 2 boys and 1 girl that fancied me but I was scared of their near and confessions so I put them down.
On the one hand I am glad that I've got none of these relationship problems, no boy is telling me what to do or where to go or has to be with me all the time. It's just me. I can do what I want, when I want, with whom I want.
On the other hand I am alone all the time except for my friends who I see every 2 weeks or so. There's no one adoring me and telling me he loves me for the way I am except me and my parents. And you do know, yourself saying that won't give you that much self-esteem and your parents tell you that because obviously they are your parents.
Here is the next dilemma: I don't know if I want to be in a relationship or not. Most of the time I think I just want to have a boyfriend so people would stop being disappointed in me for not having one. Especially my family and my father. Sometimes I think I want to be in a relationship but again just for selfish reasons. Of course I want to know what it feels like to be loved by a man. Of course I want to know what it feels like to actually BE a woman that lives her life and loves and uses her body. Of course I want someone who's there for me when I feel bad because most of the time my friends to help me but not in a way that helps me because they've got their own problems which I understand and accept.
These are the problems that prevent a possible relationship.
1. I do not care about my looks. Well of course I shower everyday, I brush my hair and brush my teeth, I shave my legs and shape my eyebrows and of course I do use soap and deodorants but be honest, take a closer look at women/girls these days. How many wear maskara? How many wear eyeliner? How many use powder and lipstick? How many walk about in highheels and shorts and skirts and
tight shirts? I literally don't do any of that stuff. I wear a normal pair of jeans, pullovers or normal tshirts or shirts and my converse, that's
it. I look normal and unimpressive. I know I am not ugly. I can look pretty. People keep telling me, my parents, my friend , even my psychologist! that I'd look magnificent with maskara and so on because of my long eyelashes.
I really do believe that this is a massive problem why men aren't attracted to me. Because I simply don't want to look especially impressive just for someone. I think and will always think: take me the way I am or bugger off. But this is the problem. No one wants me the way I am.
Sometimes standing up to ones own decisions can be really painful and exhausting.
2. My best friend. She is pretty. She is smart. She's small and thin and wears make up if only just a hint of make-up. I don't know how she's doing it but men/boys are crowding her everywhere we go. Next to her I disappear. I try to make my unimpressive looks up with charm and jokes which I'm good at but this makes me who I am in others eyes. Lovely funny Susan. The one with the silly jokes and patter. Susan the egocentric joker that talks on end about what she loves. Susan the best friend. Not Susan the attractive woman. I am a person people like to talk to. The like me but that's it. My best friend is not as loud and as noisy and excessive as I am. She doesn't need it. She gets noticed anyway.
3. My parents and other's relationships. My parents never really loved each other. They fought each other as if there was a war. We moved out 4 times, they got divorced. Now neither of them has got a new partner. My mother refuses to have another man in her life, my father scares every woman of because of silly things. I grew up learning that there is no such thing as a happy loving family. I hardly ever saw them kiss or cuddle. More fight and shout at each other. My mother enjoys being alone. She hardly talks about other men, only silly attractive men that are married and no go anyway. This has rubbed off on me. I talk about pretty boys I saw in a cafe or at a concert but they're all in a relationship anyway. I ship people like Ten and Donna because they don't exist anyway. For me there is no such thing as a relationship of a man and a woman loving each other equally. This idea was shaped by me being rejected by the guys I like and me rejecting guys who liked me because I didn't feel anything at all.
4. I am so so scared of it. I hate to be touched and hugged. Even by my parents. I hate cuddling and all that stuff. The one boy who fancied me tried hand-holding and wrapping his arms around me all the time but it made me cringe. I feel like a stone then. I just want it to be over.
My friends aren't even allowed to kiss me hello on the cheek. I don't know what's causing it. Maybe all those years being alone and growing up with violence. I am so very scared of intimacy. Which is why I don't want to be in a relationship. Although I want to be in a relationship.
Teenaged babbling I know but it's really bugging me. And it's doing bad things to me as well.
I found myself trying to manipulate friends so a relationship would never evolve so they would be single and I wasn't alone.
Take my one friend who fancied my other friend. I told said friend about it to make sure she'd destroy her hopes completely.
Simply because I could no longer bear all that lovey-dovey nonsense written all over her statuses on the internet.
I tried to talk my best friend out of a relationship with the boy who fancied me previously. Now they're together and I'm twice jealous.
Firstly because she's the said best friend everyone's running after, secondly because it's the boy I turned down.
Even that guy I talk to on the internet who talked about his girlfriend that upset him a bit because he hardly saw her, I immediatly told him to break up. Not because it's best for him but for me. What does that say about me? Most importantly what do I do to change it?
I honestly believe that wherever I go I am invisible to guys. I honestly believe that everywhere I go, no one ever fancies me or thinks of me as a pretty girl. In fact no one ever talks to me on his own except if I start a conversation. I honestly believe no one wants me the way I am.
And I honestly don't believe that there's a man in the world that is willing to walk up to me one day, start a conversation on his own and tries to win my sympathy because he thinks I'm magnificent. I honestly doubt that there's a man that's got that much patience to let me learn not to be afraid of closeness and that teaches me how to love and be in a relationship. I doubt that there's a man like that in the world.
In a world where it's all about time and effort, with over 6 billion people in the world it's easier for a man to pick a girl that's more confident, prettier, smarter, easier to get than me. Even more: what are the chances that, even if there's a man like that in the world, I am going to meet him one day, that he'll be near me one day, that we'll be at the same place at the right time one day? What are the chances that we both like each other? I am very very picky and that sort of man I want will be , too. So finding that man that would fit me in this big world is impossible.
There's no such thing as destiny and there are too many coincidences that need to happen.
The problem why I'm not in a relationship? My brain's not working normal, I am too stubborn to change my appearance and beliefs and there's no such thing as a decent man. At least not amongst us simple people. So this is me: moaning about it but never changing anything about it.
I've kind of fought my depression now. I know what's causing it, I know what I'm doing wrong so I've got it under control and let the bad episodes pass. The bad episodes don't last for days anymore which is good. I've got a job, I'm waiting for invitations to interviews and stuff for my apprenticeship next year and I'm doing my driving licence atm. So life's good.
Except there's on last biiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiig topic still bothering me which is: relationships/boyfriends.
In two months I'm 20. During these first 20 years I had a crush on 3 guys who didn't love me back so I was never in a relationship.
At the same time there were 2 boys and 1 girl that fancied me but I was scared of their near and confessions so I put them down.
On the one hand I am glad that I've got none of these relationship problems, no boy is telling me what to do or where to go or has to be with me all the time. It's just me. I can do what I want, when I want, with whom I want.
On the other hand I am alone all the time except for my friends who I see every 2 weeks or so. There's no one adoring me and telling me he loves me for the way I am except me and my parents. And you do know, yourself saying that won't give you that much self-esteem and your parents tell you that because obviously they are your parents.
Here is the next dilemma: I don't know if I want to be in a relationship or not. Most of the time I think I just want to have a boyfriend so people would stop being disappointed in me for not having one. Especially my family and my father. Sometimes I think I want to be in a relationship but again just for selfish reasons. Of course I want to know what it feels like to be loved by a man. Of course I want to know what it feels like to actually BE a woman that lives her life and loves and uses her body. Of course I want someone who's there for me when I feel bad because most of the time my friends to help me but not in a way that helps me because they've got their own problems which I understand and accept.
These are the problems that prevent a possible relationship.
1. I do not care about my looks. Well of course I shower everyday, I brush my hair and brush my teeth, I shave my legs and shape my eyebrows and of course I do use soap and deodorants but be honest, take a closer look at women/girls these days. How many wear maskara? How many wear eyeliner? How many use powder and lipstick? How many walk about in highheels and shorts and skirts and
tight shirts? I literally don't do any of that stuff. I wear a normal pair of jeans, pullovers or normal tshirts or shirts and my converse, that's
it. I look normal and unimpressive. I know I am not ugly. I can look pretty. People keep telling me, my parents, my friend , even my psychologist! that I'd look magnificent with maskara and so on because of my long eyelashes.
I really do believe that this is a massive problem why men aren't attracted to me. Because I simply don't want to look especially impressive just for someone. I think and will always think: take me the way I am or bugger off. But this is the problem. No one wants me the way I am.
Sometimes standing up to ones own decisions can be really painful and exhausting.
2. My best friend. She is pretty. She is smart. She's small and thin and wears make up if only just a hint of make-up. I don't know how she's doing it but men/boys are crowding her everywhere we go. Next to her I disappear. I try to make my unimpressive looks up with charm and jokes which I'm good at but this makes me who I am in others eyes. Lovely funny Susan. The one with the silly jokes and patter. Susan the egocentric joker that talks on end about what she loves. Susan the best friend. Not Susan the attractive woman. I am a person people like to talk to. The like me but that's it. My best friend is not as loud and as noisy and excessive as I am. She doesn't need it. She gets noticed anyway.
3. My parents and other's relationships. My parents never really loved each other. They fought each other as if there was a war. We moved out 4 times, they got divorced. Now neither of them has got a new partner. My mother refuses to have another man in her life, my father scares every woman of because of silly things. I grew up learning that there is no such thing as a happy loving family. I hardly ever saw them kiss or cuddle. More fight and shout at each other. My mother enjoys being alone. She hardly talks about other men, only silly attractive men that are married and no go anyway. This has rubbed off on me. I talk about pretty boys I saw in a cafe or at a concert but they're all in a relationship anyway. I ship people like Ten and Donna because they don't exist anyway. For me there is no such thing as a relationship of a man and a woman loving each other equally. This idea was shaped by me being rejected by the guys I like and me rejecting guys who liked me because I didn't feel anything at all.
4. I am so so scared of it. I hate to be touched and hugged. Even by my parents. I hate cuddling and all that stuff. The one boy who fancied me tried hand-holding and wrapping his arms around me all the time but it made me cringe. I feel like a stone then. I just want it to be over.
My friends aren't even allowed to kiss me hello on the cheek. I don't know what's causing it. Maybe all those years being alone and growing up with violence. I am so very scared of intimacy. Which is why I don't want to be in a relationship. Although I want to be in a relationship.
Teenaged babbling I know but it's really bugging me. And it's doing bad things to me as well.
I found myself trying to manipulate friends so a relationship would never evolve so they would be single and I wasn't alone.
Take my one friend who fancied my other friend. I told said friend about it to make sure she'd destroy her hopes completely.
Simply because I could no longer bear all that lovey-dovey nonsense written all over her statuses on the internet.
I tried to talk my best friend out of a relationship with the boy who fancied me previously. Now they're together and I'm twice jealous.
Firstly because she's the said best friend everyone's running after, secondly because it's the boy I turned down.
Even that guy I talk to on the internet who talked about his girlfriend that upset him a bit because he hardly saw her, I immediatly told him to break up. Not because it's best for him but for me. What does that say about me? Most importantly what do I do to change it?
I honestly believe that wherever I go I am invisible to guys. I honestly believe that everywhere I go, no one ever fancies me or thinks of me as a pretty girl. In fact no one ever talks to me on his own except if I start a conversation. I honestly believe no one wants me the way I am.
And I honestly don't believe that there's a man in the world that is willing to walk up to me one day, start a conversation on his own and tries to win my sympathy because he thinks I'm magnificent. I honestly doubt that there's a man that's got that much patience to let me learn not to be afraid of closeness and that teaches me how to love and be in a relationship. I doubt that there's a man like that in the world.
In a world where it's all about time and effort, with over 6 billion people in the world it's easier for a man to pick a girl that's more confident, prettier, smarter, easier to get than me. Even more: what are the chances that, even if there's a man like that in the world, I am going to meet him one day, that he'll be near me one day, that we'll be at the same place at the right time one day? What are the chances that we both like each other? I am very very picky and that sort of man I want will be , too. So finding that man that would fit me in this big world is impossible.
There's no such thing as destiny and there are too many coincidences that need to happen.
The problem why I'm not in a relationship? My brain's not working normal, I am too stubborn to change my appearance and beliefs and there's no such thing as a decent man. At least not amongst us simple people. So this is me: moaning about it but never changing anything about it.