Day by Day (2/2)
Title: Day by Day (part 2 of 2)
Genre: AU, romance, angst, character death
Pairing: Sehun/Luhan
Rating: NC-17
Summary: Kiss me baby, I must be staying here day by day... It's sad, but I want to forget you.
A/N: WARNING: alcoholism, prescription medicine abuse (?), schizophrenia, sadomasochism, character death, *implied suicide*
Luhan watched helplessly as Sehun got dressed a few hours after their routine session.
He reached out a hand to grab lightly onto Sehun's, and the younger man turned to glance briefly at him before walking towards the door.
"I'll see you tomorrow?" Luhan fidgeted nervously, the air in the room was stifling.
"Of course," came the reply, lips pulled tight in a forced smile.
Luhan watched as Sehun's fingers slowly disentangled from his and the distance between them grew.
The sight of the retreating figure was almost too much for Luhan to handle.
He groped blindly for a pack of cigarettes.
There had been a time when Sehun asked Luhan why he smoked in such volumes.
-
Sehun had idly touched the matte black surface of one of the cartons sitting on a chair when Luhan suddenly snatched the pack away.
"What for?"
"Hm," Luhan had responded absentmindedly.
"Why do you smoke so often?" Sehun persisted, but Luhan couldn't tell him the truth. Not all of it.
"It calms my nerves," he said, unconsciously smoothing some wrinkles in the bedsheets.
"I always see the empty cartons piling up, but I never see you smoking them. How come?"
I don't need them when you're here. Luhan avoided the piercing gaze aimed at him.
"They help me to feel alive," is what he told Sehun, but that was the exact opposite from the truth. The clove cigarettes numbed him, body and soul. They were a lifeline, barely stringing shallow breaths together to keep Luhan alive.
It was only when Sehun was near that Luhan could inhale clean air.
But Sehun's air was toxic in its own way, filling every orfice of his body, smothering him until he no longer knew whether or not it was bad for him.
-
Sehun had taken a few pills, shaking them out of the bottle and washing them down with some iced tea, and was laying on his bed staring up at the ceiling.
All of this is meaningless.
"Sehun-ah," he remembered Luhan reaching out to him one of the many nights they had spent together, physically worn out, laying side-by-side. "Sehun-ah, will you still be here tomorrow?"
"Forever," he had replied. And he had meant it at the time.
He had felt that, maybe, Luhan was all he needed in life.
Maybe Luhan's hands, as they wound themselves through his hair and roamed all over his body, were just enough to keep him grounded.
So when Luhan's frail fingers gently coiled themselves around his wrist possessively, he ignored the crescent-shaped marks that marred his partner's forearms. Sehun merely looked away, slowly stroking one of Luhan's bruised, bony shoulders as he inhaled the lingering scents of clove and tobacco.
-
It was the dead of night, and Luhan wanted to go out for a look at the stars.
He momentarily stopped in dressing himself to admire Sehun's face.
Peaceful. You look so peaceful. Luhan bit his lip and thought, Why don't you ever look like that when you're awake?
The rain fell in heavy droplets on his head and shoulders as he walked outside and towards the road. As Luhan looked up, all he could see was darkness. Tears began to form in the corners of his eyes, and he wondered if anyone even noticed him standing beside the road.
Can these people even see my tears? Luhan ran a hand through his damp hair, and pulled out a cigarette from his jacket pocket. Or do they just blend in with the rain?
Wash them away. He inhaled deeply. Wash all of this loneliness away.
"Luhan?" He turned around, face wet and glistening, and saw Sehun standing shirtless under the awning.
"Sehun-ah," Luhan dropped the cigarette on the ground, letting it dissolve onto the wet concrete. "Did you come looking for me?"
"Of course," Sehun reached out towards him. "Always."
Luhan noticed that Sehun had made no effort to move towards where he was standing, alone, in the rain. He sighed in disappointment, nibbling on his bottom lip and looking down at the ground.
That's not enough, Sehun-ah.
I can't always come to you only when you need me.
He quickly walked into Sehun's arms, not caring that the younger slightly recoiled from the cold, wet rain that was slick against his torso.
It's not enough just to live day by day.
The pair walked off towards Luhan's room to resume their activities from before sleep had taken over.
-
Luhan scratched at Sehun's shoulders, hissing with pain, but not wanting to let go.
Never wanting to let go.
Sehun panted, thrusting at an impossible speed, hands seeking purchase in Luhan's hips, crushing the delicate joints as the older male writhed and cried out in distress.
It was only in moments like these that Luhan truly felt alive.
-
One day, Sehun snapped.
This kind of release wasn't enough anymore.
Luhan wasn't enough anymore.
He was beginning to frighten himself, feeling a sudden burst of adrenaline pumping through his veins, making its way out towards the tip of his fingers. There were no pills here, in Luhan's permanent room at the brothel. There was no alcohol. He felt his entire existence spinning out of control.
Meanwhile, Luhan was laying on the bed beside him, naked, skin spoiled with dark blemishes, pale scars, and angry contusions that were all the fruit of his hand.
It isn't enough anymore.
Frustrated, he clawed at his arms, suddenly terrified at the sight of Luhan's marked body. The boy was sleeping, breaths quiet and noticeably uneven.
The chaos in Sehun's head was almost too much to bear as he got dressed and ran out of the building. The taxi driver took one look at his disheveled form and guessed that his passenger simply had a few too many drinks as a result of some growing debt.
-
When Sehun got back to his apartment, nothing made sense anymore, and the voices in his head only grew louder.
Stop it. Please, stop, he begged.
Every part of his body was pulsating, and he grabbed at his clothes, ripping them off, wanting the relief of cold air on inflamed skin. He rifled around in one of the kitchen drawers and his hand finally found what it was looking for.
Sehun took several of the chalky pills.
This isn't enough.
He slumped down on a stool, snagging a napkin and a pen from off of the counter.
Sehun scratched out, "Save me, Luhan." on the small white square.
As he staggered into his bedroom, the medicine in one hand and a bottle of gin in the other, Sehun clumsily bumped his hand on the corner of the nightstand. A red welt began to form, and, all at once, a strong desire to mar his own skin, just as he had done to Luhan's, emerged.
He angrily gnawed at his arm and thrashed around on the sheets, growing impatient.
Exhausted, his body stilled as he looked up, searching for the stars that Luhan had always raved about, taking long swigs from the bottle in his right hand in order to wash down handfuls of tiny pallid pills.
There were no stars.
He waited for Luhan as he lay inert on the bed, swallowing down all of the contents of the bottle as well as the contents of the prescription canister.
Save me.
-
Luhan waited, but Sehun never came.
Between sloppy blowjobs and repulsive intercourse with his clients, he would make his way to the bathroom and release the pent up devastation.
It was the worst at night.
He missed Sehun's embrace and found that he couldn't sleep anymore. Closing his eyes meant succumbing to those memories of Sehun that threatened to rip him apart.
I must have loved you too much.
The bruises faded as the days wore on, and Luhan cursed his sickly body for still being able to heal.
The scars were the last remnants of Sehun.
-
Luhan was crying when the blood came.
Lungs heaving, he fumbled with the lightswitch, eventually managing to illuminate the bathroom with the dull, lifeless glow of fluorescent lights. He turned on the faucet hoping that the tub would fill up quickly and coughed violently, bent over the porcelain basin, mouth agape. With a quivering hand, Luhan wiped his mouth.
He wanted to wash all of Sehun away.
Spots of red appeared on the surface of the water.
Luhan watched as the droplets morphed into elongated trails, swirling around in the clear liquid.
Why, he thought, desperately removing every piece of clothing as his breath hitched in his throat.
When he finally submerged his aching body, the warmth over took his senses. Luhan's breathing came out erratic, rasping in his lungs, as he reached out to grab the pack of Djarums from the pocket of the pants that were now carelessly discarded on the ground.
Puffs of smoke lingered in the air, slowly eating at his livid skin.
The bathwater was icy cold by the time Luhan's seventh cigarette was closed between quivering lips. It dropped into the water when Luhan sighed softly, letting out a transparent, hollow breath.
Why, he repeated, eyes falling shut.
"You promised me forever."
-
"Hey, Luhan?"
"Huh," Luhan shuffled on the bed a little to look at Sehun in the dim lamplight. "What is it?"
Sehun rubbed the back of his neck, already embarrassed by the childish question he was about to ask. "Do you ever wish that you could be a star?"
Luhan thought about this question for a moment, "Hmm… I'm not sure."
"Oh."
"Actually, I know!" Luhan laughed easily, using his thumb to trace Sehun's cheekbones. "I wouldn't want to be a star."
"Why?" Sehun gently clasped a hand over Luhan's wandering fingers.
"Because then I'd never have met you."
Genre: AU, romance, angst, character death
Pairing: Sehun/Luhan
Rating: NC-17
Summary: Kiss me baby, I must be staying here day by day... It's sad, but I want to forget you.
A/N: WARNING: alcoholism, prescription medicine abuse (?), schizophrenia, sadomasochism, character death, *implied suicide*
Luhan watched helplessly as Sehun got dressed a few hours after their routine session.
He reached out a hand to grab lightly onto Sehun's, and the younger man turned to glance briefly at him before walking towards the door.
"I'll see you tomorrow?" Luhan fidgeted nervously, the air in the room was stifling.
"Of course," came the reply, lips pulled tight in a forced smile.
Luhan watched as Sehun's fingers slowly disentangled from his and the distance between them grew.
The sight of the retreating figure was almost too much for Luhan to handle.
He groped blindly for a pack of cigarettes.
There had been a time when Sehun asked Luhan why he smoked in such volumes.
-
Sehun had idly touched the matte black surface of one of the cartons sitting on a chair when Luhan suddenly snatched the pack away.
"What for?"
"Hm," Luhan had responded absentmindedly.
"Why do you smoke so often?" Sehun persisted, but Luhan couldn't tell him the truth. Not all of it.
"It calms my nerves," he said, unconsciously smoothing some wrinkles in the bedsheets.
"I always see the empty cartons piling up, but I never see you smoking them. How come?"
I don't need them when you're here. Luhan avoided the piercing gaze aimed at him.
"They help me to feel alive," is what he told Sehun, but that was the exact opposite from the truth. The clove cigarettes numbed him, body and soul. They were a lifeline, barely stringing shallow breaths together to keep Luhan alive.
It was only when Sehun was near that Luhan could inhale clean air.
But Sehun's air was toxic in its own way, filling every orfice of his body, smothering him until he no longer knew whether or not it was bad for him.
-
Sehun had taken a few pills, shaking them out of the bottle and washing them down with some iced tea, and was laying on his bed staring up at the ceiling.
All of this is meaningless.
"Sehun-ah," he remembered Luhan reaching out to him one of the many nights they had spent together, physically worn out, laying side-by-side. "Sehun-ah, will you still be here tomorrow?"
"Forever," he had replied. And he had meant it at the time.
He had felt that, maybe, Luhan was all he needed in life.
Maybe Luhan's hands, as they wound themselves through his hair and roamed all over his body, were just enough to keep him grounded.
So when Luhan's frail fingers gently coiled themselves around his wrist possessively, he ignored the crescent-shaped marks that marred his partner's forearms. Sehun merely looked away, slowly stroking one of Luhan's bruised, bony shoulders as he inhaled the lingering scents of clove and tobacco.
-
It was the dead of night, and Luhan wanted to go out for a look at the stars.
He momentarily stopped in dressing himself to admire Sehun's face.
Peaceful. You look so peaceful. Luhan bit his lip and thought, Why don't you ever look like that when you're awake?
The rain fell in heavy droplets on his head and shoulders as he walked outside and towards the road. As Luhan looked up, all he could see was darkness. Tears began to form in the corners of his eyes, and he wondered if anyone even noticed him standing beside the road.
Can these people even see my tears? Luhan ran a hand through his damp hair, and pulled out a cigarette from his jacket pocket. Or do they just blend in with the rain?
Wash them away. He inhaled deeply. Wash all of this loneliness away.
"Luhan?" He turned around, face wet and glistening, and saw Sehun standing shirtless under the awning.
"Sehun-ah," Luhan dropped the cigarette on the ground, letting it dissolve onto the wet concrete. "Did you come looking for me?"
"Of course," Sehun reached out towards him. "Always."
Luhan noticed that Sehun had made no effort to move towards where he was standing, alone, in the rain. He sighed in disappointment, nibbling on his bottom lip and looking down at the ground.
That's not enough, Sehun-ah.
I can't always come to you only when you need me.
He quickly walked into Sehun's arms, not caring that the younger slightly recoiled from the cold, wet rain that was slick against his torso.
It's not enough just to live day by day.
The pair walked off towards Luhan's room to resume their activities from before sleep had taken over.
-
Luhan scratched at Sehun's shoulders, hissing with pain, but not wanting to let go.
Never wanting to let go.
Sehun panted, thrusting at an impossible speed, hands seeking purchase in Luhan's hips, crushing the delicate joints as the older male writhed and cried out in distress.
It was only in moments like these that Luhan truly felt alive.
-
One day, Sehun snapped.
This kind of release wasn't enough anymore.
Luhan wasn't enough anymore.
He was beginning to frighten himself, feeling a sudden burst of adrenaline pumping through his veins, making its way out towards the tip of his fingers. There were no pills here, in Luhan's permanent room at the brothel. There was no alcohol. He felt his entire existence spinning out of control.
Meanwhile, Luhan was laying on the bed beside him, naked, skin spoiled with dark blemishes, pale scars, and angry contusions that were all the fruit of his hand.
It isn't enough anymore.
Frustrated, he clawed at his arms, suddenly terrified at the sight of Luhan's marked body. The boy was sleeping, breaths quiet and noticeably uneven.
The chaos in Sehun's head was almost too much to bear as he got dressed and ran out of the building. The taxi driver took one look at his disheveled form and guessed that his passenger simply had a few too many drinks as a result of some growing debt.
-
When Sehun got back to his apartment, nothing made sense anymore, and the voices in his head only grew louder.
Stop it. Please, stop, he begged.
Every part of his body was pulsating, and he grabbed at his clothes, ripping them off, wanting the relief of cold air on inflamed skin. He rifled around in one of the kitchen drawers and his hand finally found what it was looking for.
Sehun took several of the chalky pills.
This isn't enough.
He slumped down on a stool, snagging a napkin and a pen from off of the counter.
Sehun scratched out, "Save me, Luhan." on the small white square.
As he staggered into his bedroom, the medicine in one hand and a bottle of gin in the other, Sehun clumsily bumped his hand on the corner of the nightstand. A red welt began to form, and, all at once, a strong desire to mar his own skin, just as he had done to Luhan's, emerged.
He angrily gnawed at his arm and thrashed around on the sheets, growing impatient.
Exhausted, his body stilled as he looked up, searching for the stars that Luhan had always raved about, taking long swigs from the bottle in his right hand in order to wash down handfuls of tiny pallid pills.
There were no stars.
He waited for Luhan as he lay inert on the bed, swallowing down all of the contents of the bottle as well as the contents of the prescription canister.
Save me.
-
Luhan waited, but Sehun never came.
Between sloppy blowjobs and repulsive intercourse with his clients, he would make his way to the bathroom and release the pent up devastation.
It was the worst at night.
He missed Sehun's embrace and found that he couldn't sleep anymore. Closing his eyes meant succumbing to those memories of Sehun that threatened to rip him apart.
I must have loved you too much.
The bruises faded as the days wore on, and Luhan cursed his sickly body for still being able to heal.
The scars were the last remnants of Sehun.
-
Luhan was crying when the blood came.
Lungs heaving, he fumbled with the lightswitch, eventually managing to illuminate the bathroom with the dull, lifeless glow of fluorescent lights. He turned on the faucet hoping that the tub would fill up quickly and coughed violently, bent over the porcelain basin, mouth agape. With a quivering hand, Luhan wiped his mouth.
He wanted to wash all of Sehun away.
Spots of red appeared on the surface of the water.
Luhan watched as the droplets morphed into elongated trails, swirling around in the clear liquid.
Why, he thought, desperately removing every piece of clothing as his breath hitched in his throat.
When he finally submerged his aching body, the warmth over took his senses. Luhan's breathing came out erratic, rasping in his lungs, as he reached out to grab the pack of Djarums from the pocket of the pants that were now carelessly discarded on the ground.
Puffs of smoke lingered in the air, slowly eating at his livid skin.
The bathwater was icy cold by the time Luhan's seventh cigarette was closed between quivering lips. It dropped into the water when Luhan sighed softly, letting out a transparent, hollow breath.
Why, he repeated, eyes falling shut.
"You promised me forever."
-
"Hey, Luhan?"
"Huh," Luhan shuffled on the bed a little to look at Sehun in the dim lamplight. "What is it?"
Sehun rubbed the back of his neck, already embarrassed by the childish question he was about to ask. "Do you ever wish that you could be a star?"
Luhan thought about this question for a moment, "Hmm… I'm not sure."
"Oh."
"Actually, I know!" Luhan laughed easily, using his thumb to trace Sehun's cheekbones. "I wouldn't want to be a star."
"Why?" Sehun gently clasped a hand over Luhan's wandering fingers.
"Because then I'd never have met you."