LJ Idol 11 Week 2
Relationship toxicity seems to be a buzzword/topic in recent years, and I get it. Truly, I do. There’s talk about breaking off relationships that are toxic between friends, partners, spouses, parents, siblings, co-workers and any other type of relationship that you could think of. But…there’s never talk about a toxic relationship with your child. Does such a thing even exist? Is it all in my head? How do I deal with it and not feel incredibly guilty about it? How do I reconcile that it isn’t my fault? Because out of five, I have two.
One has been a little easier to deal with in recent history. Probably because she hit rock bottom about three years ago and ended up in prison. Mostly because she no longer lives with us. We only see her in short spurts about once every six weeks or so. She’s great when she’s sober. Mostly. She’s also mother to our grandson, so we work hard at maintaining a relationship so we have a relationship with him. She’s learned a lot from prison and the programs she was in while incarcerated. We’ll see if that new knowledge and dedication has sticking power. I honestly hope it does. Not so much for our sake, but for her son’s.
The other however, is a rough spot that has always been rough. Now twenty-two years old, he is an extreme failure to launch so to speak. He refused to finish school - the minute he could legally stop going, he quit. Same scenario when he figured out that he had control over his ability to continue therapy sessions. He hasn’t held a job for more than two consecutive months at any time, and the jobs he’s gotten were because I helped him with applications. He hasn’t worked in over six months. He expects us to pay all his expenses and gets ragefully angry when we won’t. He also flies into a rage when we ask him to do simple things around the house to help like clean up his room, or do his own dishes, or straighten the bathroom after he’s used it. To listen to him, we’re abusive assholes. He rages on about how difficult he has life and how he can’t handle a job or go back to school to get a GED. His days are filled by getting high with his friends - who are generally like him - and arguing with me about how marijuana isn’t a bad thing. He steals from us, but also expects us to give him money. He expects to have a constant supply of food but is never around to sit at the table and eat it with us. He expects us to continue to clothe him and clean up after him and supply his entertainment (i.e. electronics, video game subscriptions, etc., which we don’t) but doesn’t take care of his clothing or “toys”. He wants nothing to do with his siblings and disappears any time we have a family function, blaming them for not having a relationship with him.
We’ve talked about kicking him out…but I just can’t. He’s my kid, you know? I can’t kick him to the streets with no place to go and no one to rely on. Because I’m sure he can’t do it himself. As much as I can, I need to keep trying to make sure he somehow develops the skills he needs to be able to work, cook, clean, and support himself. And I’m so frustrated, and angry, and saddened, and defeated. I know he takes advantage. I know he’s just using us. I’m almost positive he’s enough of a sociopath that he can’t care for us the way we care for him. A lot of the time he’s horrible to me when my husband isn’t around, and I know it’s abusive and toxic. But he’s my kid. How do you kick your kid to the curb without continually trying? Where’s the line? When it’s crossed is that the end? How many times do you forgive the prodigal son? And how much of this toxicity stems from disappointment that my children didn’t “turn out” like I expected, that they didn’t follow the life path that I did, or that I wanted them to?
I have no answers, only questions and a foolish drive to constantly try, try again