bb!Jim Playlist
*WARNING: Contains spoilers for Linger
1. BOOKENDS - Simon & Garfunkel
Time it was, and what a time it was, it was
A time of innocence, a time of confidences
Long ago, it must be, I have a photograph
Preserve your memories; They're all that's left you
("You're...my dad?" Jimmy asks, nose wrinkled in confusion. George turns to look at him, blue eyes twinkling as he watches the little boy. Jim glances down at another of the holopics, where Grampa Ti's arm is thrown over George's shoulders and they're both smiling, eyes crinkled at the corners. When Jim looks back up, George nods. "But..."
"I never wanted to leave you and your mom, Jimmy. I need you to believe me, okay?" Jim nods and George smiles at him, eyes as bright as his son's.)
2. CARRY ON WAYWARD SON - Kansas
Carry on my wayward son
There'll be peace when you are done
Lay your weary head to rest
Don't you cry no more
("He's not! He's not my father! You are!" Jim shouts, pounding his fists on the ground, heedless of the rough dirt and his aching shoulder. "You're my father! I don't want him, I want you!" he insists and the tears in his eyes break free again, carving runnels through the dust on his cheeks.
"I know, Jimmy, I know." George is suddenly right there, arms around Jim but Jim can't feel it and it makes it worse, makes it hurt more, and he's sobbing, wailing at the pain, while George murmurs softly in his ear and the sun finds its way hot through the cornstalks.)
3. PRELUDE/ANGRY YOUNG MAN - Billy Joel
There's a place in the world for the angry young man
With his working class ties and his radical plans
He refuses to bend he refuses to crawl
And he's always at home with his back to the wall
And he's proud of his scars and the battles he's lost
And struggles and bleeds as he hangs on his cross
And likes to be known as the angry young man
(With a deep breath and a last look at the shrieking mass of twisted metal plummeting to the bottom of the quarry, Jim turns his back to the chasm.
"Is there a problem, officer?" he asks the cop planted in the middle of the gravel road, only a little breathless.
"Citizen, what is your name?" After his almost-suicide, the cop's mechanized voice isn't scary at all.
"My name is James Tiberius Kirk!" Jim declares, throwing his shoulders back and ignoring the indecipherable look George is leveling his way.)
4. BROKEN - Seether, ft. Amy Lee
The worst is over now
And we can breathe again
I wanna hold you high and steal my pain away
There's so much left to learn
And no one left to fight
I wanna hold you high and steal your pain
'Cause I'm broken when I'm open
And I don't feel like I am strong enough
'Cause I'm broken when I'm lonesome
And I don't feel right when you're gone away
(He curls over on his side, the asphalt cold through his clothes, and cries himself sick, the only time he's let himself shed a tear for his poor kids. George settles cross-legged in front of him, a bittersweet, reassuring presence, murmuring nonsense until Jim's quieted to aching stillness, the occasional shuddering breath the only sign of his breakdown. Gradually, as a winter breeze sighs through the roadside grasses, Jim rolls onto his back to stare up at the glitter of stars peeking through the thin cloud cover.
"I wish I didn't know you," he sighs into the Iowan night.
George lays his hand over Jim's sternum and abruptly disappears, leaving Jim to the stars and empty fields, a headache digging in at the base of his skull as one last tear trails down to drip hollowly into his ear.)
5. SAVIN' ME - Nickelback
Show me what it's like
To be the last one standing
And teach me wrong from right
And I'll show you what I can be
Say it for me
Say it to me
And I'll leave this life behind me
Say it if it's worth saving me
(“You know your father was Captain of a Starship for 12 minutes. He saved 800 lives. Including your mother's and yours. I dare you to do better.”
Chris Pike's eyes are hard, implacable, and his words aren't anything Jim hasn't heard before, but this time, for whatever reason - maybe it's because he thought he saw George over Pike's shoulder earlier, maybe it's because he's always been desperate to know his dad, maybe it's just 'cause he's bored and tired of Iowa - this time Jim listens.)
6. BLACKBIRD - Evan Rachel Wood
Blackbird singing in the dead of night
Take these broken wings and learn to fly
All your life
You were only waiting for this moment to arise
("Why'd you choose to go?"
George's eyes are on Jim again, but he's too captivated by the dull glint of fading starlight on the occasional panel of aluminum-alloy stretched across the ship's girders. "Something about it just called to me. There was never any chance I wouldn't go." George shrugs and Jim finally turns away from the ship to look at his father.
"I...I've never thought about it, not really."
"Funny," George's smile is fond, indulgent as he steps close and lays a careful hand on Jim's shoulder, "I've always thought you'd go.")
7. BEHIND BLUE EYES - The Who
When my fist clenches, crack it open
Before I use it and lose my cool
When I smile, tell me some bad news
Before I laugh and act like a fool
If I swallow anything evil
Put your finger down my throat
If I shiver, please give me a blanket
Keep me warm, let me wear your coat
No one knows what it's like
To be the bad man
To be the sad man
Behind blue eyes
("Bones. Bones. Bones!" Jim calls, finally catching his attention. "It's fine, 'snot like I died or anything." He stops when Bones' expression shifts into a nasty glare, arms crossed over his chest as though resisting the urge to throw his tricorder across the room - or at Jim.
"It was too damn close, Kirk," he bites out, turning on one heel in a pivot that'd make a drill sergeant cry with pride, and somehow manages to slam out of the room while leaving the door to the hall wide open.
Jim stares bemusedly after him until George clears his throat. "He's right, you know. You'd've died if he hadn't been in the room with you." Jim scoffs and looks away, inexplicably frustrated and confused. He keeps thinking about how dark and cold Bones' eyes had gone.
"Yeah, well, I didn't," Jim mutters and shifts over onto his side.)
8. WHATAYA WANT FROM ME - Adam Lambert
There might have been a time
When I would let you slip away
I wouldn't even try but I think
you could save my life
Just don't give up
I'm workin' it out
Please don't give in
I won't let you down
It messed me up, need a second to breathe
Just keep coming around
Hey, whataya want from me
Whataya want from me
Whataya want from me
(Jim wrenches his arm out of Bones' grasp. George's arm winds around Jim's chest as Jim leans down to get in Bones' face.
"Jim, watch it. Come on, now," George pleads, arm slipping through Jim's chest and hands ineffectively clenching through Jim's shoulders as he tries to calm him down.
"There's nothing wrong with me," Jim snarls in McCoy's face, ignoring the wide hazel eyes as they skitter nervously over Jim's expression. Jim shivers from the strange mix of feelings - fear, anger, betrayal, relief, shock - surging through him, augmented by the not-feel of George's hands through his body. "It's none of your business and there's nothing to fix, doctor." Only the word itself keeps it from being a curse, though the epithet still burns like he wants it to.
"Jim." Bones' tone is just shy of begging, hands reaching to placate and calm, but Jim snatches up his tray and PADDs and walks away. "Jim!"
"Fuck off, McCoy," Jim launches over his shoulder and he hears two indrawn breaths echo through the strange silence filling the cafeteria.)
9. YOU CAN DO BETTER THAN ME - Deathcab for Cutie
But I have to face the truth that
no one could ever look at me like you do
Like I'm something worth holding on to
There's times I think of leaving
But it's something I'll never do
Cause you can do better than me,
But I can't do better than you.
You can do better than me,
But I can't do better than you.
("Jim?" Bones mutters and Jim sighs again.
"Yeah, Bones?"
"'m sorry, kid. Shouldn't've said anything." He sounds mostly asleep, drawl heavy and words slow as he mutters them into the pillow. Jim closes his eyes and smiles sadly, reaching out to trace one of Bones' eyebrows.
"It's okay, Bones." Giving into the urge, he shifts closer, forehead touching Bones' and hands curled carefully into the fabric of Bones' t-shirt. He squeezes his eyes shut as tears prick at them again when Bones drapes one arm over Jim's waist and pulls him closer.)
10. LET LOVE IN - The Goo Goo Dolls
You're the only one I ever believed in
The answer that could never be found
The moment you decided to let love in
Now I'm banging on the door of an angel
The end of fear is where we begin
The moment we decided to let love in
There's nothing we can do about
The things we'd have to live without
The only way to feel again
Is let love in
(They lay in silence and Jim is almost asleep when Bones speaks again.
"Thank you, Jim," he whispers, voice muffled by the pillow, and Jim flops over onto his side and slings his arm over Bones' shoulders in response.
"You did good, son," Jim hears softly over his shoulder and he can't be sure which father says it, or who's meant to hear it.)
11. MY IMMORTAL - Evanescence
I've tried so hard to tell myself that you're gone
But though you're still with me
I've been alone all along
("I don't want you to leave," he begs.
George smiles and it's ineffably tender. "I know, Jimmy. I never wanted to leave you," he reminds him, the first thing he'd said when five-year-old Jim had figured out who he was. "I need you to believe me, okay? I never wanted to leave you."
"You're leaving me now," Jim forces out, throat tight and aching with the tears gathering behind his eyes.
"Oh, Jimmy, I'm never really gone." He's next to Jim on the bed, suddenly, and his hand's on Jim's cheek and Jim can feel it, oh, God.)
12. SECRETS - OneRepublic
Oh, got no reason, got not shame
Got no family I can blame
Just don't let me disappear
I'ma tell you everything
So tell me what you want to hear
Something that will light those ears
Sick of all the insincere
So I'm gonna give all my secrets away
(He tells Bones the story, watching in detached amusement as Bones' eyes get wider and wider, eyebrows creeping steadily higher on his forehead. He tells him that George was the first person to read him The Fellowship of the Ring, that it was George that convinced him to not follow Sam any of the times his brother tried to run away. He tells him the events leading up to his trip to Tarsus, how George gave him instructions and helped him keep himself and a small group of kids alive until Starfleet arrived. He mentions Kevin and how Jim was able to help the little boy move on - that's when Bones swallows harshly and a flicker of belief sparks in his eyes.)
13. STAY WITH YOU - The Goo Goo Dolls
I'll stay with you
The walls will fall before we do
So take my hand now
We'll run forever
I can feel the storm inside you
I'll stay with you
("What was George right about?"
"He said we needed each other," he answers, fingertips skimming over the knobs of Bones' spine. He leans down and presses a kiss to the point of Bones' shoulderblade.
"Hmm," Bones hums, blinking lazy hazel eyes at him.
"He said I didn't need him anymore."
Bones is silent, eyes slipping shut, and Jim wonders if he's fallen back to sleep. But he rolls over onto his side, legs sliding away from Jim's, and opens his eyes, studying Jim's face.
"Do you?"
"I think... I finally found someone I needed more.")
14. THIS IS THE FUTURE - Owl City
Dive in and swim away
From your loneliness and miserable days
And when you wake up on your own
Look around you, 'cause you're not alone
Let your hopes go and they'll survive
'Cause this is the future and you are alive
You're headed home
(George isn't there when they first set foot back on Earth, not even in passing flashes or glimpses.
Bones is, though. That makes it all right.)
13. Stay with You - Goo Goo Dolls
14. This Is the Future - Owl City
1. BOOKENDS - Simon & Garfunkel
Time it was, and what a time it was, it was
A time of innocence, a time of confidences
Long ago, it must be, I have a photograph
Preserve your memories; They're all that's left you
("You're...my dad?" Jimmy asks, nose wrinkled in confusion. George turns to look at him, blue eyes twinkling as he watches the little boy. Jim glances down at another of the holopics, where Grampa Ti's arm is thrown over George's shoulders and they're both smiling, eyes crinkled at the corners. When Jim looks back up, George nods. "But..."
"I never wanted to leave you and your mom, Jimmy. I need you to believe me, okay?" Jim nods and George smiles at him, eyes as bright as his son's.)
2. CARRY ON WAYWARD SON - Kansas
Carry on my wayward son
There'll be peace when you are done
Lay your weary head to rest
Don't you cry no more
("He's not! He's not my father! You are!" Jim shouts, pounding his fists on the ground, heedless of the rough dirt and his aching shoulder. "You're my father! I don't want him, I want you!" he insists and the tears in his eyes break free again, carving runnels through the dust on his cheeks.
"I know, Jimmy, I know." George is suddenly right there, arms around Jim but Jim can't feel it and it makes it worse, makes it hurt more, and he's sobbing, wailing at the pain, while George murmurs softly in his ear and the sun finds its way hot through the cornstalks.)
3. PRELUDE/ANGRY YOUNG MAN - Billy Joel
There's a place in the world for the angry young man
With his working class ties and his radical plans
He refuses to bend he refuses to crawl
And he's always at home with his back to the wall
And he's proud of his scars and the battles he's lost
And struggles and bleeds as he hangs on his cross
And likes to be known as the angry young man
(With a deep breath and a last look at the shrieking mass of twisted metal plummeting to the bottom of the quarry, Jim turns his back to the chasm.
"Is there a problem, officer?" he asks the cop planted in the middle of the gravel road, only a little breathless.
"Citizen, what is your name?" After his almost-suicide, the cop's mechanized voice isn't scary at all.
"My name is James Tiberius Kirk!" Jim declares, throwing his shoulders back and ignoring the indecipherable look George is leveling his way.)
4. BROKEN - Seether, ft. Amy Lee
The worst is over now
And we can breathe again
I wanna hold you high and steal my pain away
There's so much left to learn
And no one left to fight
I wanna hold you high and steal your pain
'Cause I'm broken when I'm open
And I don't feel like I am strong enough
'Cause I'm broken when I'm lonesome
And I don't feel right when you're gone away
(He curls over on his side, the asphalt cold through his clothes, and cries himself sick, the only time he's let himself shed a tear for his poor kids. George settles cross-legged in front of him, a bittersweet, reassuring presence, murmuring nonsense until Jim's quieted to aching stillness, the occasional shuddering breath the only sign of his breakdown. Gradually, as a winter breeze sighs through the roadside grasses, Jim rolls onto his back to stare up at the glitter of stars peeking through the thin cloud cover.
"I wish I didn't know you," he sighs into the Iowan night.
George lays his hand over Jim's sternum and abruptly disappears, leaving Jim to the stars and empty fields, a headache digging in at the base of his skull as one last tear trails down to drip hollowly into his ear.)
5. SAVIN' ME - Nickelback
Show me what it's like
To be the last one standing
And teach me wrong from right
And I'll show you what I can be
Say it for me
Say it to me
And I'll leave this life behind me
Say it if it's worth saving me
(“You know your father was Captain of a Starship for 12 minutes. He saved 800 lives. Including your mother's and yours. I dare you to do better.”
Chris Pike's eyes are hard, implacable, and his words aren't anything Jim hasn't heard before, but this time, for whatever reason - maybe it's because he thought he saw George over Pike's shoulder earlier, maybe it's because he's always been desperate to know his dad, maybe it's just 'cause he's bored and tired of Iowa - this time Jim listens.)
6. BLACKBIRD - Evan Rachel Wood
Blackbird singing in the dead of night
Take these broken wings and learn to fly
All your life
You were only waiting for this moment to arise
("Why'd you choose to go?"
George's eyes are on Jim again, but he's too captivated by the dull glint of fading starlight on the occasional panel of aluminum-alloy stretched across the ship's girders. "Something about it just called to me. There was never any chance I wouldn't go." George shrugs and Jim finally turns away from the ship to look at his father.
"I...I've never thought about it, not really."
"Funny," George's smile is fond, indulgent as he steps close and lays a careful hand on Jim's shoulder, "I've always thought you'd go.")
7. BEHIND BLUE EYES - The Who
When my fist clenches, crack it open
Before I use it and lose my cool
When I smile, tell me some bad news
Before I laugh and act like a fool
If I swallow anything evil
Put your finger down my throat
If I shiver, please give me a blanket
Keep me warm, let me wear your coat
No one knows what it's like
To be the bad man
To be the sad man
Behind blue eyes
("Bones. Bones. Bones!" Jim calls, finally catching his attention. "It's fine, 'snot like I died or anything." He stops when Bones' expression shifts into a nasty glare, arms crossed over his chest as though resisting the urge to throw his tricorder across the room - or at Jim.
"It was too damn close, Kirk," he bites out, turning on one heel in a pivot that'd make a drill sergeant cry with pride, and somehow manages to slam out of the room while leaving the door to the hall wide open.
Jim stares bemusedly after him until George clears his throat. "He's right, you know. You'd've died if he hadn't been in the room with you." Jim scoffs and looks away, inexplicably frustrated and confused. He keeps thinking about how dark and cold Bones' eyes had gone.
"Yeah, well, I didn't," Jim mutters and shifts over onto his side.)
8. WHATAYA WANT FROM ME - Adam Lambert
There might have been a time
When I would let you slip away
I wouldn't even try but I think
you could save my life
Just don't give up
I'm workin' it out
Please don't give in
I won't let you down
It messed me up, need a second to breathe
Just keep coming around
Hey, whataya want from me
Whataya want from me
Whataya want from me
(Jim wrenches his arm out of Bones' grasp. George's arm winds around Jim's chest as Jim leans down to get in Bones' face.
"Jim, watch it. Come on, now," George pleads, arm slipping through Jim's chest and hands ineffectively clenching through Jim's shoulders as he tries to calm him down.
"There's nothing wrong with me," Jim snarls in McCoy's face, ignoring the wide hazel eyes as they skitter nervously over Jim's expression. Jim shivers from the strange mix of feelings - fear, anger, betrayal, relief, shock - surging through him, augmented by the not-feel of George's hands through his body. "It's none of your business and there's nothing to fix, doctor." Only the word itself keeps it from being a curse, though the epithet still burns like he wants it to.
"Jim." Bones' tone is just shy of begging, hands reaching to placate and calm, but Jim snatches up his tray and PADDs and walks away. "Jim!"
"Fuck off, McCoy," Jim launches over his shoulder and he hears two indrawn breaths echo through the strange silence filling the cafeteria.)
9. YOU CAN DO BETTER THAN ME - Deathcab for Cutie
But I have to face the truth that
no one could ever look at me like you do
Like I'm something worth holding on to
There's times I think of leaving
But it's something I'll never do
Cause you can do better than me,
But I can't do better than you.
You can do better than me,
But I can't do better than you.
("Jim?" Bones mutters and Jim sighs again.
"Yeah, Bones?"
"'m sorry, kid. Shouldn't've said anything." He sounds mostly asleep, drawl heavy and words slow as he mutters them into the pillow. Jim closes his eyes and smiles sadly, reaching out to trace one of Bones' eyebrows.
"It's okay, Bones." Giving into the urge, he shifts closer, forehead touching Bones' and hands curled carefully into the fabric of Bones' t-shirt. He squeezes his eyes shut as tears prick at them again when Bones drapes one arm over Jim's waist and pulls him closer.)
10. LET LOVE IN - The Goo Goo Dolls
You're the only one I ever believed in
The answer that could never be found
The moment you decided to let love in
Now I'm banging on the door of an angel
The end of fear is where we begin
The moment we decided to let love in
There's nothing we can do about
The things we'd have to live without
The only way to feel again
Is let love in
(They lay in silence and Jim is almost asleep when Bones speaks again.
"Thank you, Jim," he whispers, voice muffled by the pillow, and Jim flops over onto his side and slings his arm over Bones' shoulders in response.
"You did good, son," Jim hears softly over his shoulder and he can't be sure which father says it, or who's meant to hear it.)
11. MY IMMORTAL - Evanescence
I've tried so hard to tell myself that you're gone
But though you're still with me
I've been alone all along
("I don't want you to leave," he begs.
George smiles and it's ineffably tender. "I know, Jimmy. I never wanted to leave you," he reminds him, the first thing he'd said when five-year-old Jim had figured out who he was. "I need you to believe me, okay? I never wanted to leave you."
"You're leaving me now," Jim forces out, throat tight and aching with the tears gathering behind his eyes.
"Oh, Jimmy, I'm never really gone." He's next to Jim on the bed, suddenly, and his hand's on Jim's cheek and Jim can feel it, oh, God.)
12. SECRETS - OneRepublic
Oh, got no reason, got not shame
Got no family I can blame
Just don't let me disappear
I'ma tell you everything
So tell me what you want to hear
Something that will light those ears
Sick of all the insincere
So I'm gonna give all my secrets away
(He tells Bones the story, watching in detached amusement as Bones' eyes get wider and wider, eyebrows creeping steadily higher on his forehead. He tells him that George was the first person to read him The Fellowship of the Ring, that it was George that convinced him to not follow Sam any of the times his brother tried to run away. He tells him the events leading up to his trip to Tarsus, how George gave him instructions and helped him keep himself and a small group of kids alive until Starfleet arrived. He mentions Kevin and how Jim was able to help the little boy move on - that's when Bones swallows harshly and a flicker of belief sparks in his eyes.)
13. STAY WITH YOU - The Goo Goo Dolls
I'll stay with you
The walls will fall before we do
So take my hand now
We'll run forever
I can feel the storm inside you
I'll stay with you
("What was George right about?"
"He said we needed each other," he answers, fingertips skimming over the knobs of Bones' spine. He leans down and presses a kiss to the point of Bones' shoulderblade.
"Hmm," Bones hums, blinking lazy hazel eyes at him.
"He said I didn't need him anymore."
Bones is silent, eyes slipping shut, and Jim wonders if he's fallen back to sleep. But he rolls over onto his side, legs sliding away from Jim's, and opens his eyes, studying Jim's face.
"Do you?"
"I think... I finally found someone I needed more.")
14. THIS IS THE FUTURE - Owl City
Dive in and swim away
From your loneliness and miserable days
And when you wake up on your own
Look around you, 'cause you're not alone
Let your hopes go and they'll survive
'Cause this is the future and you are alive
You're headed home
(George isn't there when they first set foot back on Earth, not even in passing flashes or glimpses.
Bones is, though. That makes it all right.)
13. Stay with You - Goo Goo Dolls
14. This Is the Future - Owl City