Thoughts
This will get long and rambly, probably, so I'll stick it under a cut.
The kids have been going to the school they go to since Thing One was in Kindergarten. I love the school. I love the teachers. They're perfect for my kids. I love that they can challenge my kids and make them think, make them excel. No other school in the city would be able to do this, and definitely not the one they'd go to if I sent them to the local public school. The drawback, the downside, as most of you know, is that they do not bus. I can understand why, from a purely logistical viewpoint, but since the local transit refuses to carry children to school and the taxi is cost-prohibitive, I am often SOL.
I have been asked why I don't put them in the school they can walk to. I am not bragging when I say my children are pretty damn intelligent. Unfortunately, as a side effect of growing up in a home with intelligent parents, they don't suffer fools gladly. The school nearby is a wonderful school that deals excellently and gently with bringing the slower kids along, helping them through. They don't do as well at challenging the exceptional child, though. So, I'm stuck between asking for rides and home schooling them, which I have considered very strongly to the point that R and I were discussing curriculae.
They started back at school last Monday. Last Saturday night, we had a friend (a new friend to me) offer to take them in the mornings, and another friend offer to pick them up. Last minute. I was relieved, and felt like my struggle was over, at least for the moment. Then, Sunday, this friend got a call that a family member had died and she had to go out of state for the funeral. I can understand that. I do not begrudge that. So, I called up a couple friends and asked them to pinch-hit. They did so with serious grace.
We figured our friend would be gone for the week. So, near the end of the week, my husband started texting her again to find out what was going on, if she was expecting to be home... Just so we'd be aware and able to make plans. We haven't heard back.
I have experienced, before, where my eyesight, or lack thereof, has cost me friendships. It's a weird feeling: because I have these eyes, I need something that I can't get elsewhere, and when I ask for it (though I hate asking so much), I have lost friends. Mostly, I think it's because they misunderstood my intentions. One, I think, thought that I was interested in him (way before I met R), and I didn't want to tell him otherwise, because -- AWKWARD (as my kids say). Another thought I was stalking her, because when we did contact her, there was no response, and we were young and foolish, and just kept trying. That time, it was more out of a need for human companionship than 'rides', but it extrapolates (I can't get to all the normal meeting places / adult 'hangouts' if I don't drive, especially if I'm broke, which I was at that time).
Anyway, all this to say that I worry it's happening again. A friend offered to help in 'emergencies', and 'emergencies' keep happening. Because I can't find someone to do it regularly, I'm having to rely on these people who've said "once in a while", and I don't want to destroy the friendship.
As I said, I hate asking. I have realized lately that part of that is because of what I've heard from family and friends, I think that having this 'disability' is my fault somehow. I don't drive because I'm lazy, some have said. Sometimes, it's not said, but implied. "You don't apply yourself enough, don't stretch enough, don't plan ahead enough, so this is why you get into these kinds of situations." No. It's not. I get into 'these kinds of situations' because I can't fucking see. I walk into the walls because I misjudge depth. I will probably never be able to drive and that's probably a good thing for everyone on the road. I am just now realizing at 36 years old that I do have to fight to do what I need to, but that the eyesight itself is not inherently my fault. I did not try to have the infant epilepsy that triggered the need for the Phenobarb (at 6 wks old) that caused my nystagmus (near as we can figure). It just is.
Now, it's also nice to be dealing with people who understand that -- who have helped in situations with other situations that are worse, or at least more stressful. But I still have this niggling worry that I'm using up some sort of limited resource and at some point they'll say, "Grow up, kid, take care of it yourself. It's your responsibility, after all." I likened it to Jane among the Mother Trees (for Ender fans). She didn't want to take too much from any one tree. She found them inherently deep, but didn't want to take too much from one place lest she destroy them. Scares the shit out of me some days. I hate depending on others, but I have to. It makes me a better person, but between the fear of losing those 'others' and the annoyance at being needy, I get extremely tired. It wears a person out.
Thing is, I'll keep doing it, because my kids are definitely worth it.
The kids have been going to the school they go to since Thing One was in Kindergarten. I love the school. I love the teachers. They're perfect for my kids. I love that they can challenge my kids and make them think, make them excel. No other school in the city would be able to do this, and definitely not the one they'd go to if I sent them to the local public school. The drawback, the downside, as most of you know, is that they do not bus. I can understand why, from a purely logistical viewpoint, but since the local transit refuses to carry children to school and the taxi is cost-prohibitive, I am often SOL.
I have been asked why I don't put them in the school they can walk to. I am not bragging when I say my children are pretty damn intelligent. Unfortunately, as a side effect of growing up in a home with intelligent parents, they don't suffer fools gladly. The school nearby is a wonderful school that deals excellently and gently with bringing the slower kids along, helping them through. They don't do as well at challenging the exceptional child, though. So, I'm stuck between asking for rides and home schooling them, which I have considered very strongly to the point that R and I were discussing curriculae.
They started back at school last Monday. Last Saturday night, we had a friend (a new friend to me) offer to take them in the mornings, and another friend offer to pick them up. Last minute. I was relieved, and felt like my struggle was over, at least for the moment. Then, Sunday, this friend got a call that a family member had died and she had to go out of state for the funeral. I can understand that. I do not begrudge that. So, I called up a couple friends and asked them to pinch-hit. They did so with serious grace.
We figured our friend would be gone for the week. So, near the end of the week, my husband started texting her again to find out what was going on, if she was expecting to be home... Just so we'd be aware and able to make plans. We haven't heard back.
I have experienced, before, where my eyesight, or lack thereof, has cost me friendships. It's a weird feeling: because I have these eyes, I need something that I can't get elsewhere, and when I ask for it (though I hate asking so much), I have lost friends. Mostly, I think it's because they misunderstood my intentions. One, I think, thought that I was interested in him (way before I met R), and I didn't want to tell him otherwise, because -- AWKWARD (as my kids say). Another thought I was stalking her, because when we did contact her, there was no response, and we were young and foolish, and just kept trying. That time, it was more out of a need for human companionship than 'rides', but it extrapolates (I can't get to all the normal meeting places / adult 'hangouts' if I don't drive, especially if I'm broke, which I was at that time).
Anyway, all this to say that I worry it's happening again. A friend offered to help in 'emergencies', and 'emergencies' keep happening. Because I can't find someone to do it regularly, I'm having to rely on these people who've said "once in a while", and I don't want to destroy the friendship.
As I said, I hate asking. I have realized lately that part of that is because of what I've heard from family and friends, I think that having this 'disability' is my fault somehow. I don't drive because I'm lazy, some have said. Sometimes, it's not said, but implied. "You don't apply yourself enough, don't stretch enough, don't plan ahead enough, so this is why you get into these kinds of situations." No. It's not. I get into 'these kinds of situations' because I can't fucking see. I walk into the walls because I misjudge depth. I will probably never be able to drive and that's probably a good thing for everyone on the road. I am just now realizing at 36 years old that I do have to fight to do what I need to, but that the eyesight itself is not inherently my fault. I did not try to have the infant epilepsy that triggered the need for the Phenobarb (at 6 wks old) that caused my nystagmus (near as we can figure). It just is.
Now, it's also nice to be dealing with people who understand that -- who have helped in situations with other situations that are worse, or at least more stressful. But I still have this niggling worry that I'm using up some sort of limited resource and at some point they'll say, "Grow up, kid, take care of it yourself. It's your responsibility, after all." I likened it to Jane among the Mother Trees (for Ender fans). She didn't want to take too much from any one tree. She found them inherently deep, but didn't want to take too much from one place lest she destroy them. Scares the shit out of me some days. I hate depending on others, but I have to. It makes me a better person, but between the fear of losing those 'others' and the annoyance at being needy, I get extremely tired. It wears a person out.
Thing is, I'll keep doing it, because my kids are definitely worth it.