I'm still Alive
Hi.
I've been quite useless, and busy. I never got the chance to tell you I was going to be gone the first two weeks of June because I was heading to Cuba on a family holiday.I went to Cayo Coco on the Jardines del Rey islands. Had a wickedcool time, got a deep tan to add to my already brown skin, went swimming a lot, saw tons of fish, unlimited cocktails, extreme food poisoning and lovely, friendly people. I'll be going back sometime, I hope.
My new doctor has prescribed me 60mg of citalopram, which scares me as its the maximum dose. Am I gabbling major depressive, by his reckoning? Or is this just the result of a terrible year (all together - flunked out of uni - though I can return, nervous breakdown, loss of what was to be most important job of my life, moving back home with a Dad that tells me to snap out of it and is now threatening to kick me out of the house)? I don't know, but the intervening process is horrible. For people not on anti-depressants, there is a 2-4 week period when the new drug or increase in drug can affect you horribly. In my case it was sleepiness (like, 14 hours a day), tremors, weakness, and increased depressiveness. Enough to make me think of taking an overdose. Enough to get me breaking out razors again (I didn't use them). And Dad didn't notice. He just thought I was just being lazy and useless. I need to get out of this house!
I'm scared to work. I'm only just coming out of my last bout of depression and I wish I could cope like I used to. And now, I'm thinking about dropping my degree. I don''t know if I can do it, and I don't feel the same love for it I had before. I know everyone hates their degree in the third year, but the impetus is lacking. I want to do English, but is just procrasinating???
Obviously, I need someone to talk to. My support network is a bit shit at the moment because most people just don't have time to deal with my stupid problems. I've got a lot of my energy back, which is something, but I know I haven't got much to offer people at the moment. It's almost a bit of a shame I don't believe in God, cos then I could be mad at Him and my Priest would be my guide...I believe in the Doctor (I do, I do. I believe he's out there in the universe, doing something ridiculous.) *tears up, stupid* I could really do with a visit from him right now.
To end on a light note, I've gotten deep into the Star Trek XI fandom. I love Jim/Bones, because they're funny, and they get drunk a lot and I love how people are writing their friendship and their pain and the sex is wonderful. I'm seeing Regina Spektor tomorrow and I wish I could get excited because she's my favourite singer and it should be beautiful. Her new album is one of her best and I look forward to hearing it, although I'm not so hot on her new version of Genius, just because I'm so attached to this bootleg issue I lost with my old computer. And then the day after I'm seeing the only free counselling service in my borough. And then I'm seeing my gorgeous friend Annabel for a cook-in. I really need to see her. And then...a visit to Manchester, to see some old friends, or seeing my Mum for the first time this year. I really miss her. And I need to end this post! Anyone who read all of this drivel should be given a medal.
Happy Belated Armed Forces Day *salutes*